Friday, August 13, 2010

8 months

I find this picture irresistible. To me, Its pure bliss. I cant help but smile.
This is the first picture that only makes me smile and not burst into tears.
I smile because I remember this day. I remember her in that bjorn.
those glasses
that bow
her outfit
first trip to the farmers market
WTFudge were we thinking?
AL and I took our newbe bebes.
The 2 things I remember most
#1 EVERYONE there adored Makenzie. Seriously everyone looked, commented or smiled at her -
Probably because she was on total display. I think she did this on purpose, she looks like a diva.
Note that she is awake. Alert. And totally satisfied. ha.
#2 the sweat pouring down my back from that bjorn.. it was like one of those body wraps that help you lose weight. although i ate like a whole pie so i definitely didn't lose weight that day.
#2.5 I remember that pie... mmm...

I love her. I'm so passionate about her.
I stare at the way shes holding her hands,
the way her head is tilted,
the very unimpressed look on her face.
This is my paradise.

So today- Its been 8 months.
8 months without her smile, arms, legs and essence.
Oh how I miss her.
Missing every little piece of her.
I still wonder how life has become this. How we are now in this place. Without her and learning to live again. You know me and songs-- well there is this song I listen to quite a bit. I have been trying really hard lately to have a more positive attitude. Try to find some happiness and try to find peace in the knowledge my daughter is with God.  This song by Garth Brooks fits for me, esp in times when I just don't know what to do. Its nothing really grand but a simple push in some sort of direction
I'm gonna smile my best smile
And I'm gonna laugh like it's going out of style
Look into her eyes and pray that she don't see
That learning to live again is killing me.
It might sound like a weird song but It makes me think I need to keep smiling, keep laughing even if it hurts.
I need to keep going for my daughter.  I want to return to her with so much accomplished. I want her to be proud of me. I want her to be happy to call me her Mom.

I miss her. I miss that life. That amazing life. Its hard right now. She was here this time last year. I was in paradise August 13th 2009. I miss those days. Waking up to her. Staying up late with her.
Feeding, bathing, walks, parks, car rides, trips, sun, swimming.
I used to love fall. My favorite season.
I loaded up her closet with hundreds of 2009 fall inspired clothing. I started Christmas shopping. I couldn't believe I was able to experience this amazing season with her.
This year- I don't want it to come. It makes me sick to think ill be experiencing this season without her and that the 1 year mark is coming.
To know ill live through that day again.
But ill keep trying. Everyday. Pushing through in honor of Her.
8 months down- a life time to go.


Tara Bennett said...

That picture truly is special of your little diva. Those glasses! Love them!!!

Love the lyrics, that song is perfect. I don't know what it is with me and songs, but that is the best therapy to find a song that expresses how I feel. I'm glad you found a song for today.

Thinking of you. Love you.

Emma said...

Oh my, I love that pic! Such a diva, so sweet!

The song is perfect. I totally get why it touches your heart. You are relearning to live, to live with all she gave you, taught you and will continue to each day until you hold her again. I have NO doubt you will continue to make her proud. I know she is so proud to have you as her Mommy already and knows she is blessed to have you and Ryan, just as you are to have her. love and hugs, Em

Alerie said...

LOVE, LOVE, LOVE that picture of her!! So sweet!! She looks quite comfortable.

I also relate to music A LOT!! I don't know if it is the dancer side of me or what, but music just touches me and has helped me through different things in my life. If you were a fly on the wall in my house, you could find me dancing around to whatever song represents my life at that moment. Yes, I'm crazy and dance around my house all the time. Doesn't everyone though? ha ha....

I have no doubt in my mind that Makenzie is proud to call you her mom. You are amazing and so inspiring!! I am sure she adores you!!

I'm sorry you are dreading these next few months. I hope you are able to feel a little bit of peace and comfort over these next few months and know that you have lots of family and friends there for you when you need it. Much love!!

Nana said...

What an adorable picture!!

Makenzie loves you and IS proud you are her mommy. You have the right attitude. Hang in there.

derek, allie, emma , & bradyn said...

I absolutely LOVE this picture, definitely a favorite!!! (not just because I took the picture, hehe) She is my favorite diva by far!! Love you guys!!


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