Monday, April 30, 2012

Leggings and Cookbooks

I just wanted to thank EVERYONE that has purchased one- or a few- of our cookbooks!
It has been amazing to see the support in our efforts to get baby T here.
Everything can be so expensive and we are thankful for so many people that have wanted to help us.
We have TONS of cookbooks left (seriously a closet full) and we are always thinking of the next project we can do to help raise awareness and funds in honor of our Makenize. This year will be our 3rd annual Live, Laugh, Breathe fundraiser in July. My Mom wanted to take charge this year and with everything going on I have been so very thankful for her support. She is planning a 5k walk/run in the West Valley City area. There will be a lot more details to come so stay tuned!
I am also still actively collecting baby leggings to donate to Primary Children's hospital in December. If you don't remember my goal is to deliver at least 2000 pairs of leggings on December 13th! Holy Moly. So far I have about 200 leggings donated so we still have a long way to go. I will be putting up a link on my blog to talk more about the leggings but in the mean time I wanted to let you all know that we have decided that starting today all cookbook sales will go directly to the leggings project!!! This is huge people! We have a long way to go with these leggings and we need every ones help.
If you purchase a cookbook from the side of my blog you will get an amazing cookbook full of yummy recipes but you will also be helping make a child's day with the leggings!
I would love if you could pass the word along to as many people as possible so we can get as much support for the leggings as possible. If you want to donate the leggings themselves I am always happy to get those! Please email me at to get the address to send them.
Remember you can buy them already made or you can make them with the tutorial HERE.
Thank you all again for all your encouragement and support.

Friday, April 27, 2012


We are definitely having a little BOY!
We had our ultrasound with the doctor yesterday and they not only confirmed we are going to welcome a little boy but we will welcome him sooner than we thought. So its only 4 days sooner but that still makes me happy. Our new due date is September 16th. We talked about the possibility of getting induced a week before that. I am so anxious to meet this little boy but I am not sure if we are going to go that route. I loved going into labor with Makenzie and not having it planned but we will see how things go as the date gets closer. Like my doctor said- I might be ready to just have him here after a hot summer and beg to be induce.

Baby T was not loving the ultrasound. He was burring his face in my bladder and totally turning his body in the opposite direction the tech was trying to look at. He wouldn't open his legs and would not give us any good shots of his cutie little face. At one point we sat there and watched him punching over and over. We all agreed he was ready for us to be done at that point. 
Oh how I love him to pieces already.

Makenzie is pretty happy she gets a brother. Little brothers are the best. 

and thank you for all your advice on painting Makenzie/ Baby T's room. We thought about leaving some pink but ended up deciding against it.  We finished painting late last night and Ryan and my Mom might kill me because I am not certain I love the color. I have spent the last month searching for the perfect shade of grey and thought I found it. I have to say grey is the hardest color to pick. There is no perfect shade of light grey. Its either too brown or too blue or too green. When we finally settled on a color I was so happy. but then we painted. and now I think it looks too dark and too brownish green. 
I will give it a few days and see how I feel about it later.
So... I have an awesome tip to give everyone!
apparently its not new according to my mama but if you are like me- it was a mind blowing-super cool- tip that i couldn't get over.
when you have nail holes all over your wall like we did in Makenzie's room--- 
use white soap to fill them in!
son of a gun.
shut the front door.
get out of town.
stop it.
yes this pregnant women almost peed her pants in pure excitement.

not that im planning my moms funeral- because she will live to be 102- but i honestly made a mental note to make sure and mention that in her obituary. best advice ever. i almost cried watching her fill ever single one of those holes. it was amazing.
so back to painting
we painted
and Ryan replaced all the outlets and did some electrical fixing.
i wont post the finished product pictures until we are completely done with his room.
its going to be amazing.

let me note that planning a nursery for a boy is very different than planning a nursery for a girl.
mainly because Ryan has opinions on what he wants in his boys room and didn't with Makenzies room.
and i really do want him to love it as much as i do but my masculine yet shabby chic style isn't the rugged camo/hunting style he is looking for. and trying to combine those two styles is not easy.
but ryan we are making some compromises and i think it will turn out perfect.
i cant wait to get it done.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

19 Weeks

*Please note: I have no idea where I am looking-- maybe a bird flew by. and as you can see when I am pregnant, I am pregnant all over. My face, arms, butt, sides, eyes, hair, legs. I'm growing.

How far along? 19 Weeks
Maternity clothes? Not this week. I am having a hard time fitting into anything. To small or to big. I started using the belly bands this week so between that and the hair tie I am at least dressed when leaving the house.
Stretch marks? No new ones.
Best moment this week: Still just soaking all this in and that is making everyday pretty amazing.
Miss Anything? Fitting into clothes. I am growing as big around as I am tall. I will soon be a square. Or a circle. then ill just roll around.
Movement: Yes. I cant wait to feel him more. Its in the morning and at night when I feel him so I cant wait to feel him throughout the day.
Food Cravings: Salad and peaches but not the peaches that are at the grocery store right now. I need fresh fresh peaches. Like the kind you can get in the middle of summer. ahh. I need the farmers market to start up so I can get my fix of fresh fresh veggies and fruit. Costco is okay but I am needing more :)
Anything making you queasy or sick: I am drinking a ton of water right now and if I drink it at the wrong times or too fast I throw it all up but other than that I am feeling fine.
Gender: BOY! and pretty sure his name is not going to change. We are calling him by name so until we tell everyone you can just refer to him as T or T man or TK or Tweb or awesome T or TT or TW or TKW... Whichever you prefer. Check out all those nicknames already. Ah he is seriously the coolest fetus ever.
Labor Signs: No
Symptoms: Horrible back pains. I have been exercising more and doing more around the house and Ryan thinks I did something to hurt my back. Last night I went to stand up and seriously collapsed onto the floor. I couldn't straighten my back or put weight on my legs. I just laid there all curled in half crying in pain while Ryan tried to help me. When I finally got up he laughed at me because I was walking like an old women with a broken hip! Rude. The pain lasted all night but this morning I am feeling better. It just comes and goes.
Belly Button in or out? This sucker is getting shallow.
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: I have to say I am moody. but not moody like I am a wench but moody where I am happy one minute then sobbing the next. Super emotional. I have been having a really hard time getting into Makenzies room to make those changes for baby T. We bought the paint because we feel like we need to start making his room his instead of Makenzies. That has been so difficult. We have been making little changes since she died but its always been her room. To now have it his room makes this all so real- again- if that makes any sense. We are painting over that pink over the next few days and my anxiety levels are out of control. I think I'm just trying to balance the wanting them both here and knowing she isn't coming back. My son needs his big sister and it breaks my heart to know he will soon forget about what he knows right now. I don't ever want him to not know her. and just what we tell him isn't good enough for me. I guess Ill just keep smiling at the thought of them together for now.
Looking forward to: Ultrasound today! Hoping they confirm this is in fact our T man and not a
little miss. Although we would be ecstatic, We are ready for our boy.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

my plan

oh friends. you know how life is ever changing and you should just accept that.
well in my 24 years of life I have yet to really embrace that.
i am a planner.
every part of my day. my week. my month. my year. and onto the next 10 years.
i have it mapped out.
like on a spreadsheet and everything.
and about 15 notebooks that I use daily.

i am learning to enjoy the journey more and take time to smell the roses -literally- but no matter what happens or doesn't happen in my life i continue to plan.

now for some fellow planners like me. this works great. you have a few set backs but for the most part your life is what you planned it would be. sometimes the detailed portions are not accurate. but the main parts of your story have stayed true.
then there are the rest of us that took some weird turns on the road of life and our plans seem to never work out how we envisioned them in our head. (or how they were perfectly planned on that spreadsheet)
sometimes you might look back at some of the plans you made and thank God those plans didn't work. other times you wonder if you had just stuck with the original plan would your life be better than it is now?

i have had those days. i have thought many times what if i would have just done this or that, how would life be different.
ryan and i talked about this when we had been married just over 2 years and wondered if we made the right decision marring each other. things were different then. we were still getting used to each other. we were still trying to merge 2 different worlds into one home. we were trying to make choices and we didn't always see eye to eye.
after makenzie was born the wondering if we should have got married kind of just flew out the window. our life was all about this new little person in our life and if it wasn't for both of us she wouldn't be here. and that was just something no one could deny.
then the next couple years happened. that's when pretty much every single plan we ever planned completely crumbled. that's when our test of marriage was really tested. that's when life just never seemed to slow down. we were going through a lot. we were surviving barley. and we were consistently trying to make a new plan for our future so we could have some stability to hold onto. every plan we would make kept failing. i couldn't understand why it seemed we could do nothing right. we could never have things just be okay. there were many things i never shared on this blog that happened in those couple years after Makenzie passed that shook our life.

it was a few months back. when i was in some very dark places that i found this silly quote.
(don't you ever wish you could come up with some profound saying that would change the world)
anyway i posted the quote on here and then printed it off and put it on my fridge.
it says...
it was that simple little quote that pretty much changed everything about me.
my whole life i have been so focused on being in control of what is to come that i have missed out. who knows how many opportunities i have passed because it just wasn't on my spreadsheet.
there was a couple things that happened in life that i honestly am thankful i didn't listen to my spreadsheet.
the main one was marring Ryan.
would you believe he is absolutely the person i was not suppose to be with? well that was according to my spreadsheet. he didn't fit the profile. the job. the future. the same likes and dislikes. he just didn't fit.
somehow. even though our dating world was no fairy tale. we kept coming back to each other.
and with this life we have had to lead. i couldn't imagine doing it with anyone else.
he helps my crazy controlling/planing issues. He reminds me that just because i have something all mapped out and planned doesn't mean that's the path our life will take us down.
we balance each other. when we have talked about us as a team- we both cant imagine doing it with anyone else. as crazy as we are individually- we come together and make a pretty good team that can survive anything.

lately we have been struggling so much with figuring out all the decisions in life.
selling our home, renting our home, renting our basement, college, new jobs, selling cars, buying cars. baby.
all those big consuming decisions.
i have been so worried about trying to do what is best for our plan. the plan that is waiting for us and the plan on my spreadsheet. i have been so concerned about listening to God and doing what he wants. after seriously almost 2 years now. I'm beginning to realize something.
God isn't going to give me an answer for everything.
he isn't going to help us with every single decision in life. he is there for us. but some choices in life are not so life altering that he needs to help us get down a certain path.
i think there have been some big decisions that he has helped guide us to. one being a sperm donor. i think it was important for us to go down this path and get this little man here in this way.
i have had a few big 'ah ha' moments lately that have helped my views and planning in many ways.
maybe i am wrong and if i am. oh well. but i believe God is there. he has a plan waiting for us and it most likely isn't the plan i have all worked out on my spreadsheet. I'm sure there will be many other twists and turns and ill get angry and feel defeated when my plans don't work out but i also know its just because a much better plan is waiting for me. maybe its totally different than what i ever imagine. but just like my plan with who i will marry. if i didn't steer away from what i thought was right, i never would have got what was actually very right and that's my ryan.

I have no idea what is currently going on in our life. I have no idea what our plan is. I have no idea what tomorrow will be like. I don't know where we will be living. I don't know where we will be working.
I kinda want to freak out. and I kind of am. but I am really just trying to live.
in this moment.
I may have no idea what is happening tomorrow
but for right now I know that I am married to my best friend
we have a little girl who is waiting for us in heaven
and we have a little boy who is going to be making his grand entrance into this world in less than 22 weeks.
and if that's the only thing I am certain about today- I guess I have the whole world.
I have everything that matters and everything else can just happen.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

18 Weeks

*no picture this week because I have been one hot mess puking my guts out everyday and that's just not the look I'm wanting to share with the world. its scary.*

How far along? 18 Weeks
Maternity clothes? So I pulled out a shirt and pants last week and for some reason the pants don't fit again this week. I definitely haven't lost any weight I guess the weight is just shifting? This is such a hard stage to wear clothes. I have thought on several occasions to just walk around nude.
Stretch marks? I memorized my stretch marks from Kenzie and I am starting to see those annoying buggers come through. They are so light and I can only see them in certain light but they make me sad. Sleep: I cant fall asleep to save my life but once I get to sleep I am sound asleep!
Best moment this week: So many things: Telling our family its a boy, deciding we are going to do a nursery and feeling him move.
Miss Anything? Looking presentable when I leave the house instead of now looking like a miss matched 3 year old who just put on anything that fit.
Movement: I have definitely been feeling him move around. and I forgot how this stage of them moving is a bit uncomfortable.
Food Cravings: Green apples, mango's and salad
Anything making you queasy or sick: I have felt sick this week but I think its more a stomach bug than anything related to pregnancy.
Gender: BOY!!
Labor Signs: No
Symptoms: Headaches... Still getting them almost every night. Drinking more water is helping a little.
Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy!
Looking forward to: Picking out the paint color for his room.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012


Its funny when I was pregnant with Makenzie I was so certain I was having a Boy. I wouldn't even hear any talk about a girl. I honestly wanted only boys. I was so scared to have a mini me. Seriously I will die. My thoughts were I would have 4 adorable healthy boys. The day we found out our sweet Kenzie was in fact a GIRL and not a boy. I was a little disappointed. That only lasted until we got into the car and then all the thoughts of how fun a girl will be started flooding my mind. It only took a few moments to know this little girl was suppose to be in our family and the disappointment of a boy flew out the window. I couldn't imagine anything but her coming into our family.
I had the fears of how will I love this baby. How will I care for this baby. How will our life change. How will Ryan do. I remember crying for hours a couple weeks before I had her telling Ryan that I worried if I could love her as much as I love Harley. I think its so funny yet so normal to look back on. Until you experience it. Until the moment you actually become a parent. You could never understand the amount of love you will have. Its simply out of this world. A feeling you will never get anywhere else. The day Makenzie was born was the day that little miss started teaching me what life was all about. I never expected to learn as much as I did in 5 months but that girl had a big lesson for me to learn and she was going to teach it quick.

Love is simple.
Love is unique.
Love is endless.
Love is patience.
Love is learning.
Love is growing.
Love is fear.
Love is hope.
Love is dreams.
Love is small.
Love is big.
Love is a boggy nose.
Love is spending hours holding that crying baby doing everything to help them feel better.
Love is sickness.
Love is health.
Love is helping your baby poop because she cant get it out herself.
Love is spit up down your shirt.
Love is late night steam baths when someone gets a cold.
Love is sitting next to you in a hospital bed.
Love is never leaving even when I'm a blubbery mess because I know you need me.
Love is selfless.
Love is letting go.
Love is your future.
Love is forever.

If I learned nothing from being Makenzie's mother I learned what love is.
I cant think about this little boy without extreme emotion for how much I love I have for him already.
I have no doubt I will love him with all my heart.
I have no doubt that I will do absolutely anything for him.
I know how lucky I am to have him in my life. For however long God will give him to me.
There is not a day that goes by that I don't thank God for giving me this chance. To be a mom again. To love in that way again. There is no doubt in my mind that he is a miracle.

Because of Makenzie I am able to love him more than I could have ever loved without her and what she taught me. I cant believe how much it hurts to think I will have 2 children but only 1 here with me. I would do anything to have that big sister. To have them both. but if we didn't go through what we did and if Makenzie was still here. I would never know this kind of love. I would never understand how precious his life is. I wouldn't know how to love this much.

and as much as I think I love this little man today, I know its nothing compared to the amount of love ill feel for him the day he is born. and then everyday after.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

Finding out

So you know how I said we were going to find out right at 15 weeks what we were having and then we changed our minds and said we would just wait until our 20 week appointment. I had high hopes of waiting. I mean I didn't schedule an appointment or anything. but lo and behold on March 29th, the day I was 15 weeks we went to find out. I couldn't wait another minute. I was so certain up until this point I was having a boy but then I started doubting my intuition and thinking well it really could be a girl. I was going crazy not knowing. I could never have been pregnant in the olden days. I have no patience. We had our appointment to get an ultrasound at 5:30 that evening and we just couldn't wait. On the way there Ryan kept saying- its a girl. I just know it. We are destined to only have girls. 
I laid on that cushioned table and watch our baby on the big screen. It was so fun to see him moving all around. He was a little shy at first. He kept opening and closing his hand so we kept getting the cutest shots of his little fingers but he wouldn't move his legs. After a few minutes he decided to give us the money shot. There was no mistaking. Then he wouldn't put the thing away. Every other shot he was showing us what he got. The second the ultrasound tech said there is his penis I about died. I looked over at Ryan who couldn't stop staring at the screen with the biggest smile on his face. He just kept laughing. I cried a bit. Then we enjoyed just watching his move around and wave at us for a bit longer. 

We are still pinching ourselves. Its so crazy to think we are having another child first of all but to now know its a He. That we will have a son. That Makenzie is getting a brother. That Ryan is getting his mini me. It is the best feeling ever.

We decided to not tell anyone what we are having until Kenzie Day. We were all getting together for our yearly Easter egg hunt at the cemetery and I wanted to tell everyone in a cute way. Thanks to pinterest I did my best to re-create the idea of balloons coming out of a box. I thought it would be so obvious what it was. You know a sign that says... It's a... and then blue balloons come out. Well I guess it wasn't so clear for everyone. Most of the kids stared at the balloons and then said--- "well, what is it." 
So if you decide to do this in the future make sure you give instructions... If blue balloons come out it will be a boy but if pink balloons come out its a girl :)
haha.. we all laughed for a while. Some of the girls were a little sad. They wanted another girl but all of the boys were pretty dang excited. On my side the last boy born was almost 7 years ago. and on Ryan's side this baby and his nephew will be exactly 1 year apart so they will have lots of fun playing together as they grow up.

Ryan is naming this little man and has picked one but I am making sure he is totally set on it before we tell everyone. I am pretty sure he wont be changing his mind. We have fallen in love with it and we are already calling him by name.
I will say his middle name has been picked out since the day Ryan was born :)
He will have the same middle name as Ryan and Ryan's dad which is his Grandpa's name. 

I cant wait to have a life with my son. I cant wait to see what he will look like. I cant wait to see who he grows to be. I just pray once he gets here. Life slows down. I need to keep him as long as possible. 

AND the moment you have all been anxiously waiting for, the winner of the pillowcase dress is...

Kayla said... A handsome baby boy!!
MARCH 31, 2012 1:00 PM

and I believe your profile says you are from El Dorado, Kansas
Kayla please email me so I can get your address to send you the gift.
You can thank my nephew who drew your name. I promise he didn't cheat :)

Friday, April 13, 2012

Its a...

What is your guess?
Boy or Girl

Blue is for BOY
Pink is for GIRL

We could not be more excited to welcome this little man!

Thursday, April 12, 2012

17 Weeks

How far along? 17 Weeks
Maternity clothes? I dug out a couple things this week and have worn them a couple times.
Stretch marks? No
Sleep: I have had a really hard time sleeping this week. I cant fall asleep. I am so tired but I cant turn off my brain.
Miss Anything? Fitting into clothes.
Movement: I think whatever I had been feeling was not the baby because I haven't felt anything this week.
Food cravings: I have been feeling so sick again this week so nothing has sounded good.
Gender: WE KNOW! but we are not revealing it until tomorrow. Make sure you get your guess in on the 15 week post for a chance to win the pillowcase dress. and make sure you check back tomorrow evening for our big reveal.
Labor Signs: No
Symptoms: I have been extremely nauseous this whole week and I have had horrible headaches that are lasting all day and into the night.
Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On.
Happy or Moody most of the time: I have been happy planning for this little baby but I have had a hard week missing Makenzie. I haven't been super moody but I have been extremely emotional. I am crying every other minute.
Looking forward to: Our gender reveal party tomorrow!

Monday, April 9, 2012

Easter Weekend

I went to bed last night thanking God and Jesus Christ.  Thanking Jesus for what he did. Thanking them for allowing us to be able to be a family again. I cried. Not a big blubbery cry- I was trying not to wake the husband. But I was filled with emotion. Sometimes I find myself stuck between 2 worlds. A world of wanting her and a world of thanking them for holding her. I so badly want my family. I so badly want the image of a family in my house. Not the image that someday we will be a family again.
but last night I was just thankful.
I cant change what is. I cant make it so Makenzie is here. so the only thing I could ask for now is that she is happy. That she is being loved on every single second. That she is still getting her stories and her baths. That she is still getting kissed a million times. and through them. I know she is. and through them.
I know its not forever that we will be apart. although it seems like it. I am sure my time away from her will seem like moments when we are finally reunited
compared to the rest of forever we will spend holding each other.
Easter has a whole new meaning for me. Easter represents hope. It represents faith. It represents a future.
Its my sanity.
Its my dream.
Its the only thing that allows me to breath every day.
Knowing there will be a day ill wrap my arms around that tiny little person. There will be a day ill kiss those checks and nuzzle my face into her neck. There will be a day ill change that dirty diaper. A day ill kiss those toes and fingers. A day ill be able to look into those eyes. There will be a day where there will never be an end again. Whenever that day comes. It will be the very best day of my existence.
and for that day. and for every day leading up to that day that they are holding her instead of me.
I thank Jesus Christ.
For he is the reason.
For what he did.
For who he is.
For me.
For you.

For such a day we just couldn't contain it to 1 day.
Not this year.
So we celebrated Easter all weekend.
and it was lovely.
Friday night we had a yummy dinner and decorated eggs with Ryan's family.
The boys were not at all interested in the coloring fun but us girls got every last egg colored and we made it out of there with only a few eggs that didn't survive.

On Saturday my mom had an Easter dinner and egg hunt. I totally forgot to take pictures but that was just because I was to busy stuffing my face with yummy food and enjoying a wonderful evening.
She had the kids decorate eggs which proceeded with an egg fight.
Okay so her eggs were filled with confetti and I just happen to throw an egg that was full of anything but.
Good thing my mom is a pretty good sport about my trickery.
I might have felt bad for a few minutes while she was washing herself off in the sink.
but seriously what would she do without me to make her laugh?!

After our fun Easter party Ryan and I enjoyed a date night with our friends.
It was great to get out and just laugh for hours and hours.

Sunday morning we woke up early to see if that silly rabbit paid us a visit.
I am all about Easter and making it extra fun for kids but since there are no kids in our household right now Ryan has to be the one to indulge in my need for holiday fun and he gets to act really excited while looking through his Easter basket and taking pictures. 
Harley understands my need for joy in the house as well so she got excited about her basket to humor me.

After all the necessary pictures were taken and I got the proper response I was looking for out of Ryan and Harley we loaded up the truck and headed west to do some serious 4wheeling with Ryan's family.
The Easter bunny just happened to pay us a visit while out there so we got to have a fun kid/adult egg hunt. Becky (Ryan's Mum) put money in some of the eggs so the boys were knocking women and children out of the way to get the green stuff.
I am happy to report there was no serious Easter injuries during the craziness.
We spent the rest of the day eating a yummy lunch and tons of candy.
Chasing lizards.
Riding the wheelers.
Soaking up some sun.
and chatting away.

We were all so dusty and dirty but we still had to make a little stop before we could end all the fun.

After our visit we spent the rest of the night driving around town trying to find a place
-anyplace- open for dinner.
We were starving.
Sunday+Easter+Evening means nothing is open just an FYI.
but we ended up settling for good old Wendy's to end our Easter weekend.

The weather was perfect all weekend and we spent it with the very best people the entire time.
We were definitely not ready for it to be over.
We need to make more weekends like this one.


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