Friday, December 30, 2011

Makenzie's Christmas

I hope Christmas in Heaven was the most perfect Christmas ever.
I can only imagine how Beautiful it was. 
I wonder what in the world a celebration for Jesus would be like. Do they serve food? Do you even eat in Heaven? I hope so.. I cant imagine not being able to eat a steak :) 
Do they decorate? What games do they play? Do they sing and dance? 
I know whatever it is.
Its nothing any of us could imagine. Its bigger.
I wish I could peak in on her. I wish I could check to make sure she was to bed on time. That she was eating enough. That she was enjoying her nightly baths. Wondering how she would look. What would she love? Would she have a favorite toy. I wish I could just make sure she really is doing as amazing as I dream she is doing. I can only imagine. I just pray. 

We did the decorating, presents and hugs and kisses.

Merry Merry Christmas my little Love.
I pray you had a wonderful day and gave Jesus extra kisses. Thank him for everything he has done and for giving us this day. For everyone to remember him. To realize he life we live and will continue to live is because of him. Kenzie please tell Jesus I am not mad at him anymore. It has taken me a long time. Too long. Tell him I am sorry for blaming him. I know this life was chosen. He did all he did to save her. To make it so she wouldn't have to suffer any more. 
I miss you Makenzie. More than anyone could ever be missed. What I have learned is what I miss most is the love we had together. I miss you physically- so so much. But I miss what my heart would feel when you were here. I miss loving you that much. My love has not gone away. But with every bit of love, there is a little bit of hurt. Because this love I feel, is never ending. But its a love I have to send. Its a love I have to give to my daughter that I will not ever see again in this lifetime. I will never feel. I will never kiss. I am so thankful for what you gave me. As hard as any day ever is, I would never give up that life because that life- was the best life. and that Love. Is a love I will never feel for anyone else. 
Merry Christmas Muffin.
I love you to the moon.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

--- Christmas Still

I have so much to catch up on.
my oh my.
I am having some serious delays due to being deathly ill and lacking any form of motivation.
I am trying to keep up on my blog before I forget the details but alas it is the 28th and I have already forgotten anything that has happened before this morning. Okay I don't even remember this morning.
I am getting through the days in a giant fog and finally gave in and went to the doctor this afternoon.
and what does the doc say?
Umm... You have a virus of some kind. You have way to much stress in life. You need to sleep... and your thyroid meds might be off so lets draw some blood so we can get that all worked out.
It might not have helped that literally the moment he came in the room and asked what he could help me with I had a break down and just started balling. He scooted his chair against the wall in a desperate attempt to get away from the crazy, crying mess in front of him. We had never met before so within 5.5 seconds of him even getting a glace at my face it was already buried in tears and snot. I was able to pour my soul to this doc (who by the way had really stinky breath) and he might have caught half the words I blubbered out before he offered me some prescriptions and wanted to draw my blood. Guess his way to get the crazies out of his office quick is to offers drugs :)
Well I went down the hall to get my blood drawn and the precious little girl warned me that she isn't great at drawing blood but she will try. Of course that made me tense up immediately. So I stared across the room while she SWIRLED around that damn needle. I seriously almost puked. After only 2 failed attempts she decided she was done and asked me to come back in a day or 2 for someone else to draw my blood. The poor girl felt horrible and I cant imagine trying to draw someones blood so I smiled, thanked her and left.
... Not sure if ill go back. I think I have some kind of virus but mainly I am stressed and having anxiety beyond measures. So my real fix needs to be a night alone with the hubs and maybe a hot bath. and a stiff drink never hurts.

Well anyway. enough of that. I thought while I upload a million more photos I would answer this cute little Christmas quiz while watching The Holiday. so enjoy and ill catch up on the rest of my blogging soon enough.

1. Egg nog or hot chocolate? Either... 
2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree? Santa has not been to our house yet. But I don't think he will be wrapping gifts for this house.
3. Colored lights on tree/house or white? White. 
4. Do you hang mistletoe? No. I have no idea where to even get it!
5. When do you put your decorations up? In years past the weekend after Thanksgiving. This year--- The beginning of November. I couldn't wait. I wanted my tree in my house.
6. What is your favorite holiday dish? Turkey or Roast!
7. Favorite holiday memory as a child? Christmas story on Christmas Eve and opening Jammies
8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? I have no idea. I honesty don't even remember believing in him but I'm sure I did at some point.
10. How do you decorate your Christmas tree? I have kept my tree exactly the same as it was given to me. This amazing group of girls made our tree last year for the festival of trees and some anonymous angel bought it and donated it back to us! Seriously Its a true story and I will forever treasure it. I have added our special ornaments but nothing else has moved. Its all wired on.
11. Snow! Love it or dread it? Love it. I love winter as long as there is snow. But I hate when there is no snow and its just cold.
12. Can you ice skate? Not well.
13. Do you remember your favorite gift?  Anything from Ryan.
14. What’s the most important thing about the holidays for you? Being with family and bringing happiness to others
15. What is your favorite holiday dessert? Gingerbread cookies
16. What is your favorite holiday tradition? Sub for Santa/ Angel tree...
17. What tops your tree? Angel
18. Which do you prefer: giving or receiving? GIVING!
19. Candy canes: are yummy.
20. Favorite Christmas show? The Grinch or Polar Express
21. Saddest Christmas song? First Lullaby/ Silent Night. Makes me cry every time thinking about Makenzie.
22. What is your favorite Christmas song? First Lullaby/ Silent Night. Makes me think of where Kenzie is.
23. What is your favorite Christmas ornament? Every single one of my angel ones.

Well that was fun. Guess Christmas is over so I can get over the festivities but for me its still Christmas until January 31st. and to be honest. I am not sure when ill take my tree down. Don't be surprised if its in our Valentine pictures.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Merry Christmas.

I wish I would have worked harder on making this Christmas more about Jesus Christ and less about the hustle and bustle of everyday life. I can always learn. I can always strive to be better. There is so much going on everyday that its essential to take time out for the reason behind who we are.
I think about Mary all the time. I think about what she must have thought as she held her son. Watched her son live. Grow. and become the man he was. I cant imagine standing aside. Wanting to take away your child's pain. Wanting to do whatever you can to just make things different. Did she know what his purpose was? Did she feel God answered her prayers and heard everyone? Did she ever have fears? 
In no way am I comparing my life to that of Mary or Jesus Christ. But no matter the struggle. No matter how big or small. I wonder if we all end up in the same place at one time or another. Wishing for answers, begging for prayers, hoping our Heavenly Father really knows us. Knows what is in our heart and will really answer us in his time. As angry as I have been getting with God and Jesus lately. I have to keep stepping back and remember that all the chaos of life, the frustrations and fears, the anger and hate. Isn't from them. They have not left. They are here. They know me. They are holding my Makenzie and telling me over and over that they know my path and I need to have faith in them.
It wasn't until Christmas was over that I calmed down and made myself remember this.
That I prayed to God. Telling him that he knows my wishes, he knows my heart and he knows what I am longing for.  But that I am now going to wait. Wait for his timeline. Wait for his plan. It will come. Whether that means I will have the pleasure of being a Mom here on earth again or maybe I wont be.
The details of money, school, jobs, friends, relationships, cars, living arrangements, vacations... Can all be important to each of us. They can mean a lot. To a great degree we are in charge of our future. What will happen. But there comes a point that we find ourselves on a road we didn't put ourselves on. Someday we will understand why we are meant to walk this road.
But its meant for us. God has a reason and a purpose. No matter how hard things can be, he has made it so we can always get down on our knees and pray. Ask for help. and he will be there. In someway. and no matter how we might waver in life, Jesus Christ has made a way for us be whole. Be perfect and come home with a pure pure heart. To live forever with them.

In our home... We are striving to remember these things everyday. We are remembering the good. We are seeing hope. We are feeling love. We celebrated our Saviors birthday in the best way we know how. With each other, with family and with our Makenzie.

Our 2011 ornaments for Ryan, Kendra, Makenzie, Harley and our angel Gracie.

Makenzie's Purple and Pink Christmas Tree

Christmas Morning 
with kids is always much better than just Ryan and I. We get a little bored watching each other open gifts we picked out ourselves :) So we headed over to my sisters for the second year to watch her adorable kids go nuts.

We hurried home to open our gifts to each other and get over to Ryan's parents for breakfast.

*yes, ryans gifts are all in camo paper and he had to open them with a knife... can you say WT*

Going from my family where there is a million of us, its always fun to go to Ryans family where things are much more mellow. but then again. That little A has more energy and a bigger personality than 5 kids put together. and with the newest addition joining us this year, it was still a very eventful day.

We were able to help 5 families this year for Christmas. Several of our family and friends came together to help collect items and wrap everything so they can wake up to something on Christmas. I thought about those families all day on Christmas hoping they had an amazing day.  We also collected items to donate to our local homeless shelter. It was so nice to see the faces of those families being able to get things they need, things we all take for granted--- like socks! and be overjoyed with it all. I am so thankful for everything in our lives and for all the blessings we continue to receive. I hope and pray everyone had an amazing Christmas and was able to find peace.


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