Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Day 9 and Day 1

So I am on day 9 of my cycle.
Which means its day 1 of testing my ovulation everyday.
I got the expensive, super easy to read digital tests.
I am testing right at noon.
I am taking my temperature each morning.
So hopefully this month I wont miss it.
I am going out of town for a couple days tomorrow but I am prepared I might have to come home a bit early if I test positive while I am gone.

I cant believe how much I want this. How much I am aching to hold my child again. To be called Mom. To have a future with another life.  I have thought about the what ifs. The worry if this will ever happen. We have been wanting to add to our family for almost a year now.  We have been trying to figure out what is the best way to have our child come to us. We were so close at one point but lost her. I cant help but wonder what will be next. If there will be something else. I feel like I have so much love to give. I pray that God has another little life ready for us. That he knows how much we will love them and do anything for them. I miss my Kenzie. I miss the family I once had. Its overwhelming to think of what life was 2 years ago right now. The choices Ryan and I were forced to make. The life our Makenize was living.  I would have kept her forever. I would have given up my whole existence and taken care of her if she would have let me. I didn't want to say goodbye. I didn't want to give her back to God. I wanted to keep her for myself. But I knew her plan was different. I had to put my wants aside and do what she wanted. I just pray God knows Ill do the same for any other child he blesses me with. I know how incredible their life will be and I promise to live my life for them. To give them as much as I can. To love them more than they could ever imagine being loved. I have seen how precious life is. I have seen it taken away. I know every second, every snotty nose, every upset tummy, every smile, every laugh and every breath they take will be a gift. I will not take their life for granted. I will savor it. I will soak it up. I hope it happens. I hope it happens not only for me but for every other Mother out there praying for the same thing. The wanting and waiting is absolutely heart wrenching. I pray God hears all of our prayers.

Monday, November 28, 2011

96 hours of Thanksgiving

Starting bright and early Thursday morning!
6:00 am 
Get ready and start the turkey.
That's right, Ryan smoked one of the turkeys this year. Oh it was heavenly.
9:00 am
Thanksgiving breakfast with my family.
I love them. Yummy food. Thanksgiving birthdays. Searching the adds for the best sales.

10:30 am.
Kenzie Thanksgiving
decor. treats. a couple balloons (2 blew away early and 3 popped as they were being filled). wind. kisses

12:00 pm
Cooking the dinner.
Munching on appetizers.
Visiting with family.
Holding babies.
Making memories.

- this little man smiled and laughed looking at this little miss. then he feel asleep. I'm sure they are the best of friends -

5:00 pm
Welcomed some very special visitors.
Oh I can not get enough of those lovey babes.

9:30 pm
The girls decided to brave the craziness and do some serious black Friday shopping. We picked up my sister and headed to Micheal's. Then ToysRus (which we quickly left as the line to get into the building was around the block). Headed up to park city and shopped the outlets until 3:00 am. We then stopped by: ToysRus (again) and Target.  We grabbed breakfast sometime around 7:00 am and didn't get home until 10:00 am. Misty and I ran home to relieve the boys of baby duty and they headed to the Utah tailgate/game.   

We drank a few cups of coffee, played with K and let the babies sleep before we loaded them all up and headed to a couple other places to shop.  
3:00 pm
Grab the boys from the game and head up to Heber City for the Polar Express!

1st class tickets
Hot Chocolate
Although rather crowded and squashed. We had a lot of fun.

7:30 pm
The girls did their best to just stay awake for that 1.5 hr drive home. We were both going on 32+ hrs of no sleep. We were far to sleepy to cook so we grabbed Chinese and to eat at home while watching the Polar Express movie!  We all ate and at some point I passed out. Literally. I don't remember a thing after I filled my belly to the next morning.

8:00 am
Wide awake.
Playing with our favorite little people.
The dogs had each other
The boys had each other
So the girls decided we still didn't get enough shopping in and headed back out.
It was pretty much black Friday all over again and we ended up not buying much because we refused to stand in those lines again. 

5:00 pm
Came home to get ready to see the lights downtown
but decided it was far to cold and we were way to sleepy to go.
maybe next year.
But... we had a yummy rib dinner and played for hours.

9:00 pm
K and I felt the Dogs and Mike should have their nails painted.
It seemed like a necessity.
Harley looks amazin.

10:00 pm.
All the kids were in bed so we watched Bad Teacher.
We laughed.

Finally crawled to bed.

Sunday came way to soon and our visitors went home. I went to work and Ryan got ready for the next week. Our mini vacation is over and we are back to the regular.

I am so so so THANKFUL for our amazing family. For a wonderful Thanksgiving. For food. and for our sweet friends who came into town as a little vacation for them but turned into more of a vacation for us.  The next couple weeks are going to be hard. Not the best time of year. Wednesday will mark 2 years since their Ryker went to heaven and just 13 days after that will mark 2 years since our Makenzie followed.  We sure miss our babies. We miss that life. We miss the simple happiness we once lived. But for some reason, being together gives us that simple kind of happiness again. Maybe its because we are connected in a way not many are. I don't know. But I am THANKFUL for the knowledge that this isn't the end for either of us. That we will be with our Ryker and Makenzie again.


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