Thursday, December 30, 2010

whats next

i was looking at another friends blog. somehow i came across this slide show for her birthday of her first few years. i couldn't stop watching. i couldn't turn it off. i watched the beginning of her life through the next few years of her life. what a beautiful little girl she is. but. the whole time i couldn't help but picture makenzie in those pictures. this life that will never happened flashed across my mind. a life i will never have with makenzie. i sat there thinking there would never be a dance recital, funny disastrous outtakes, future memories.
i just feel sick. i know this is real. i know this has already happened. i just wonder whats next for us.
its been very clear that our life is not how we ever planned it. its not just as simple as trying again. trying for another baby. not without the risks. the 1 in 4 chance of having that little baby go through the same life our makenzie went through. that would also mean we would have to plan a funeral for another child. how can this be our reality. this is real. i have to stand up and face what is in front of us.
we can take a chance, we can spend thousands THOUSANDS of dollars and do PGD or spend THOUSANDS and adopt. All of which is not what I "planned" throughout life.
that's not what i planned as a 7 year old stuffing my shirt to make it look like i was pregnant.
i guess that's what life is really about. The uncertain. The unknown. The change. Our life didn't start out like a regular fairytale. it hasn't turned into a regular fairytale. i guess there is no fairytale. im so frustrated.
our "plan" has been made. our path is starting to be set. but now im scared. what if this isn't what we should do. but if this isnt- then what is. what is our path. over this last year- another child has been the last thing on my mind. i cant imagine being a mother to someone else. to love someone else as much as i love my makenzie makes me sick. i don't worry if i am able to love someone else, i don't worry if i could be a mother again- i know i can- i just don't know if i am ready. if ryan is ready. if our life is ready. to bring that love in again. i fear. with a deep dark fear. i fear makenzie isn't ready. i have so many  thoughts. so many things i just don't know. so many things i wish i could just find a clear answer. i wish i could just know. the praying has increased. the waiting for the answer has come. i miss her. i want my makenzie. i want to live that life with her. i want to make videos and memories of her. why cant i let this go. why cant i just get it through my head. that part of life is done. her story has an ending. i cant keep going into the little girls section of the store, looking at the size of clothes she would be in, buying my most favorite outfit that would look so cute on her. she wont wear those. she cant play with the toys i buy. she cant learn to read the books i find. why the hell cant i just get this. why cant i just admit this.
what now. what to do next. what is our path. what is right.
thank god ryan is here. i love him to pieces- but its hard to see there are somethings we are just not on the same page with. i know we will come together. we always do. we always will.
i guess that's life. guess that's what this world is about. these choices. these trials. these loves. these loses. these what ifs. these challenges.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010


* Lose 20lbs
* Be less lazy pants
* Camp more
* Find a new truck
* Find a new hobby
* Attend more Utah Football games

* Get her teeth cleaned more often
* Run more
* Go on more car rides
* Sleep more
* Earn more treats
* Chew up important things less

* Complete my Associates
* Learn to tolerate like running
* Finish Kenzie's scrapbook
* Keep my house more organized
* Read more
* Plan more activities with the hubs
* Camp/Boat/Hike/Fish more
* Go to Vegas
* Eat better - Less junkie
* Find more happiness
* Do more for Ryan
* Volunteer at least once a month
* Raise $10,000 at the next MRW Live, Laugh, Breathe Event in July
* Make a tree for the festival of trees in honor of Makenzie
* Get my extreme anxiety under better control!
* Get my OT Shadow hours in.

Just to name a few.
Obviously I have a few more than Ryan but I was asking him these things while he was playing on his new Xbox that he got for Christmas from Santa. He is obsessed with that thing. hmmm... Lucky boy!
Maybe his goal should be to not kill himself with his own weapon :)

Do you all set NY resolutions? I have set some goals every so often but never really call them resolutions because I try to make goals throughout the year. Even though the only thing that separates 2010 from 2011 is a split second from 11:59-12:00am I am taking this NEW YEAR a bit more than just another day and thinking I should think of it more as kind of a new start. In my mind at least. I want to have more positive thoughts and have more goals and have a better game plan.  I don't want to think this year will be better than last, I want to just make tomorrow better than yesterday.  So I have a few goals for now. They will probably change in a week.  On my "read more" goal- I got a new book today to start it out. Ill let you know my reviews when im done :)

Monday, December 27, 2010

Christmas Day

Makenzie's Christmas Day.
BLING is an understatement. This girl had so much stuff. 

we brought her gifts up to her and addi helped open them.

Missed her so very much. Wanted her so very much.
Day Dreamed about her all day.

Meeting Santa

standing in a line for what seems like hours with whinny kids who cant stop complaining in an over crowded mall just so they can sit on some old mans lap and get a candy cane...
yeah I really really wanted to do that.
So I did.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

twas the night before christmas....

twas the night before christmas and all through the house,
not a creature was stirring - other than our mouse (harley)

the stockings were hung from the shelf with care, in hopes that saint nicholas would soon be there.

last year there were no decorations, no real christmas cheer, the night before was spent in a fog.
the presents weren't really thoughtful because we really couldn't think. we went through the motions but never really experienced any of the real christmas.

On this silent holy night
as i hold this precious child
there are no words for this moment
heaven and earth meet in my arms tonight
he is mine
and yet he is gods
sleep now
sleep my son
sleep in peace

First Lullaby-Silent Night by Hilary Weeks

Have you ever heard this song?
My sister made me a Christmas CD last year while we were in the hospital with Kenzie. 
The night of Makenzie's Christmas we put this song on repeat.
I remember sitting there holding my baby.
Hearing these words.
Knowing she is already an angel and in a few short hours she would no longer be in my arms.
She would soon be back in heaven.
It was one of the most amazing moments to sit there knowing I am holding the closest thing to 
God right now.
As much as I miss her, I am overwhelmed with gratitude for the life I had with her.
I have been so Thankful to Jesus Christ for giving us this day,
A day that lets me know I will be with her again. I will get to hold my baby.
He was born for us.
As much as I don't understand so much of this life, this world, this purpose - I know there is a plan and there is a reason. He gave us a way back home.

I wanted this Christmas so be so different than any other. I didn't want to worry so much about gifts, what we "wanted", the frustration of all the to do's, the hussell and bussell. I just wanted to feel. I wanted  to feel my Makenzie, I wanted to feel Jesus. I wanted to feel this Christmas.

On Chritmas Eve we went to the amazing Christmas Concert at the The Cathedral of the Madeleine.
I felt like I was in a room of angels. The music was incredible. I have never heard anything like it before. I prayed just about the whole time. I prayed for Jesus, I prayed for God, I prayed for Makenzie. 
It was an amazing feeling through the whole night.

We came home and decided to sleep downstairs. 
This time last year we were still sleeping on the floor or air mattress in the front room. I couldn't go in our room. I couldn't sleep in there. I couldn't picture doing that routine without Makenzie there. How would I go to sleep without watching her in the monitor or listening 
to the faint sounds of her music playing.
Ryan was pretty exhausted and went right to sleep. I laid there for a while. 
The tree was still on and I just stared at it. Thinking about this last year. How much has changed. 
How different I am. How different Ryan is. How different our everyday is.
I never thought I could get through an evening let alone a year without my baby. 
How did this year pass?
How did we do what we did, how did we wake up everyday, how did we keep breathing?
The person I am today is so very different than that person last year. 
Everything from my routines, my thinking, my prayers, my dreams, my wishes, my desires, my worries.
What I want out of life, Who I want to be. Everything is so different.

Life is so very different.
We are so very blessed to have each other.
To have our angel.
To know this Inst it.

then it was christmas morning.
happy birthday Jesus Christ.
i have been spending so much time thinking about him. thinking about who he is. what kind of man he is. i try to picture who he is, what he sounds like and what its like to be in his presence. 
then i know however or whatever i think- it so much more beautiful than i could ever dream.
what a life he lead. what trials he went through. 
what his father had to sit back and watch. what his mother had to witness. all to give you and i a chance to live again. to be our imperfect selves and be able to still return home. to live in peace. 
to live in that world. 
i have tried to picture makenzie there. i cant let my fears consume me. because. where she is. 
fear does not exists. 
i thank God and my savior Jesus Christ for giving me a happy ending someday.

we celebrated the best we knew how, 
a birthday deserves much happiness, celebration, love and family.
keep our love close, keep her happy, keep her safe and tell her everyday how much love we have for her. make sure she knows how hard we are working to be with her again. so soon.

we hope everyone had a wonderful christmas.


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