Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Half way mark

I have made it half way to the end of this long ordeal. 
The ordeal of Ryan's yearly hunting vacation.
10 days is far to long for me.
I have been keeping busy at home and Ryan has been having a blast there.

What have I been up to?
Spending every second with this chick.

What have we been up to?

Park Play Dates

Girls Only Movie Nights

Babysitting my puppy niece

Trying to stay cool in this heat with Ice Cream messes

Attending luau themed dinners with family and ate the most amazing brownies.

More park visits

Celebrated a very special birthday! 
At Tepanyaki.
Fire... Noodles... Steak... what more could you ask for?
Happy Happy Birthday to the most amazing Mother of my husband. 

Bought new dressers and put them together all by ourselves. Who needs a man?

MORE park play dates... We love the park...
The next few pictures might look familiar. At least it does to me. Reminds me of what this park used to be.  I cant believe I haven't been back since those days. 

Swimming in the big pools and wadding in the mini pool.

Made lots of "silly food" that turned out to be a big hit and certain people ate every bite.

Tried to take naps in any possible place. Looks comfy right?!

Both the midget and I have sure missed our Ryan. (She calls him my "honey") 
We are trying to have fun and get some of the million things done on our to do list.
I have to admit its kind of nice to watch all my favorite shows. Do girlie things 24/7. Eat all our favorite things. Spread out in the bed. But I would give up everything to have that boy back. Half way done. He is having a great time and loving his man time so I wont complain, He absolutely deserves it.

Sunday, August 28, 2011


We are building the Baby Fund.
First on the agenda is a Cookbook!
I'm really excited about this. I was thinking about doing this same thing next year for our yearly fundraiser in July but I am not 100% ill do this or 1 of the other 50 ideas I have so we will see... 
But for now I am putting together "Baby Fund" cookbook to help raise money for the BABY.

Because I know there are so many amazing Foodies (food lovers) out there I am asking for all of your help!
I need recipes!
Its really really easy.  All you do is log onto the account and enter in the recipe. Your name will be listed  along side the recipe in the book which I think is a cool little addition.
Now by adding a recipe its not saying you made up the recipe and taking credit for it. Its just saying you liked this recipe and want to share it with others.  
I want to get the cookbooks printed in October which means you can all order a copy before the holidays! Or order a few copies as gifts for friends and family for the holidays (hint hint).

My goal is to collect around 300 recipes. It sounds like a lot but I figure that would be a good amount of new recipes we can all add to our cupboards.  I love cookbooks and I am always looking for new ones full of recipes ill actually use! These recipes can be anything from your own special way of making Mac n' Cheese to some out of this world super complicated main dish. 

There are several categories:
Appetizers and Beverages
Soups and Salads
Breads and Rolls
Side Dishes
Main Dishes
Dutch Oven and BBQ
Especially for Kids

So how do you add a recipe?

1. Go to www.typensave.com. Click on the log in button. You will then be prompted to enter the contributor name (that is your name), group login and password, here they are:
----- group login:   
--------- password:     phj3f
2. On the next screen click on the “add recipe” tab then type in your recipe.
3. After typing in your recipe click on “Check Spelling”.
4. Click on “Preview Recipe”.  You will NOT be able to save your recipe until you preview your recipe, then you will see a “Save” button.
5. Click “Save”
6. Add another recipe!

You can add 1 or you can add 100 recipes.  However many you want! 
If you have any questions or issues please email me and ill get back to you ASAP!
The last day to add recipes is Friday September 30th so you only have about a month left.
Thank you ahead of time for anything you can help with.

I am so thankful for all the love and support we have received in the past and that we continue to receive.  We are so blessed to have wonderful friends and family but also amazing supporters here online. May of which we have never met.  Ryan and I are always talking about how amazing it is that perfect strangers are willing to pray for us and send good thoughts.  We are so motivated to continue our family and help another life.  We want to do everything possible to follow God and listen for the directions he asks us to make.  We know all of this is through him. We will welcome baby #2 on this path and we are over the moon with joy anxiously awaiting to meet them. We also know we are to thank you all because you are apart of this new addition.  With your prayers, well wishes, support in every way possible you are helping us bring another child into our family.  
We just want to Thank You all again.  For any recipes you can add to the book, for every prayer, thought, email and/or wish you have sent our way.  
We will forever do what we can to give back to the world. 
To give back to you. To give back to anyone who needs it.  

Thank you so so much.
Forever and ever!

Monday, August 22, 2011

Part of the Journey

I wish my head would stay clear. Knowing where she is. Knowing it will get better. The hope. The smile. The happiness. The motivation. I want that all the time. But no matter what- there are hours, days or even weeks I just feel... Lost... 
In a place that is so unknown. A place I can't understand. It is ground I have never walked and I fear it wont lead back to what I know. No matter how long you have been walking down the grief path-- there will always be a new turn. A path that is unlike the others. 
I hate to admit I have found myself on that path and in that place far to often lately. Feeling Lost. 
There are things Ryan and I are certain about. Like continuing our family. But then there are so many things we fear. The noise of the unknown path. Whether it be the small hint of wishing for the old path, the wondering whats going to happen on this new path, the aching that its not the original path you dreamed you would walk. There is still and forever will be so much noise no matter where we go in life.
Its important for us to ignore the noise. To block it out. But sometimes it is just too loud. 
I question over and over... 
Why did any of this happen? Is there ever going to be the good? Why did it happen now? Whats next? When? Not just with Makenzie. But Everything. When did life make this turn. Could I have controlled it. I feel I can't control anything. I feel powerless. The things I care most about are out of my hands. This was not ever going to be my life.
Here I am. In this life. This uncertain, uncharted, unknown life. Walking a path I never imagined walking. Making decisions I never thought I would make. 
So much of my life lately has been spent in fear. 
What a silly waste of time. 
Nothing will come of it. I don't accomplish anything. I don't grow. Fear hinders me from so much. So why do I let it in so often?
The wants I have in life are simple.
No amount of money, fame, career, power, lifestyle could define it. 
The simplicity I long for is a family. 
It has been my whole life. 
Wanting what I imagined a family being.
Love, comfort, encouragement, happiness, hugs, kisses, holding your hand, fearless, powerful, invincible.
I remember imagining my family being a "real" family.
There was to much fear, anger, hate, hurt for it to be real in my eyes then.
It has taken me building my own family- with Ryan- to see there are so many definitions of a family. So many different levels. 
What I once had. Was family. It was just a very different kind. Maybe it wasn't the best. But it was mine. They are part of my path. 
The unknown path then is now known. I walked that.
The abuse, the tears, the alone, the missing. 
It brought me to this place. A place that I can now look at Ryan and say---
It was for you
I walked that, lived that, survived that--- to get to you. 
The new path I'm walking I can honestly say is a million times worse than any path I have walked before. 
I see you playing at the park, I see you hugging them, I see you having another. and all I can think is ...that is suppose to be me. That is suppose to be Makenzie. that is suppose to be our second child...
Understanding that this is suppose to be my path is part of the journey. 
I don't believe ill ever understand the why. but I'm not sure I'm suppose to.
Its only meant for me to accept.
I know the feeling of being lost doesn't last forever. 
I usually can talk myself out of it. 
Knowing it could be worse. 
Seeing that I do have good. 
But more than anything its knowing that one day there is going to be a moment. 
A moment where I am going to look at someone- makenzie's younger sister or brother- and I'll see it. I'll understand. I'll be able to say... 
You are the reason... 
To get to you. 
I had to be there. 
I pray and pray that moment comes.
And that I don't miss it. 
That I can keep my eyes open so I don't miss that moment. 
Because moments like that don't stick around. 
They are not given out everyday. 
I will keep holding on. 
Waiting for that. 
--- Waiting for you ----
and while I am still in these lost moments. I'll learn. I'll learn this hurt. Ill learn to accept it and ill learn how to live around it. 
Its all part of the path. Part of the Journey.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

What we did...

Since Ryan took off for weekend #1 for the hunt I decided it was time to head up to my sisters house for a little visit.  Its been far to long since I have been there so It was a must.  Last minute my Mom decided to tag along.  We had a great time! We stayed up late talking the day we got there so we didn't get to bed until well after midnight.  On Saturday we went to a cute diner for breakfast, visited the ice caves, headed up to Sun Valley for some sight seeing and shopping, Ate a yummy steak dinner, grabbed some ice cream and carmel apples, wondered around and saw some incredibly HUGE houses.

While I was having a great time with my family... 
Ryan was having the time of his life hunting this once in a lifetime hunt.
He drew out on the Paunsaugunt this year. He has been putting in for that hunt since he was 16 years old.
and guess what... On opening day... HE GOT A DEER!
Check out this bad boy. I was so excited when he called to tell me the news.
Look how happy he looks in these pictures. 

Poor bambi... but I promise we put this big guy to good use. I don't know if I have ever mentioned but the only meat in out house is deer meat.  Over the next few days we will be busy butchering this deer up to last us this next year. We are out of hamburger so I am very excited.
Even though he got his deer he will still be going down again next weekend to be with his Dad and Brother-- plus he has an Elk tag so hunting is far from being over.

Yeah for Ryan!!


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