Monday, May 31, 2010

memorial day

its a tradition on memorial day weekend to head down to the cabin, open it up and on our way home stop at the cemetery's and pay our respects. last year was no different. the only difference was we kept talking about how our loved ones were playing with our baby and getting ready to send her to us. we kept thinking about this time next year and how we would have a crawler on our hands. we imagined getting ready to plan her first birthday, take a summer vacation, buy her first bikini so she could show off that adorable plump belly we knew she would have.
this year... our tradition changed. the boys went to the cabin the weekend before and we went to st. george this weekend. our life isn't anything like we thought it would be. on our way home from st george ryan and i talked about how last year they were giving away hot dogs at the cemetery and how we thought it was weird and a little gross to eat food at a cemetery.
oh how our life has changed.
never would i have thought i would not only be eating but sleeping/taking naps at the cemetery.
never would i have thought it would hurt this bad to go to the cemetery.
never would i have thought my daughter would be someone i visit at the cemetery.

they had a program of bag pipes and Scottish dancers.

we showered makenzie with lots of flowers and balloons.
ryan went to tie the ones we brought to the flowers but one balloon got away. we brought 2 that were different colors, one was for Makenzie and the other was for her angel friend Ryker. Apparently Makenzie became to impatient and grabbed hers before we were ready to let them go, I quickly let Rykers go so they could play with them together.

we are so blessed to have such amazing family and friends.
they came to support us and we supported them. we have all lost so much. i hurt to see them. i know they don't have Makenzie either. I wish we could all hold her, kiss her and watch her grow up. She loved her grandparents. She loved her cousins and aunts and uncles. She loved everyone. we are all so blessed to know her. she is such an amazing person. she is so strong, so determined and we can all learn so much from her. I cant begin to express how honored I am to be her Mom. It was a hard day, but at the end when I went to bed, all i could do was thank Makenzie for being mine. I am so lucky to have had her. I am so lucky to have known that level of love. She has taught me so much. She continues to teach me. I love her to the moon.

mini vaca

this weekend we took a mini vacation down to st. george.
ryans little cousin derek came home from his mission so we had to go down and see them.
+ the thought of being in warm weather and a pool sounded to good to pass up.
off we went saturday morning.
our road trip was fun.
ryan and i played the get to know you game
(like we do every time we drive to southern utah)
most our answers never changed over the 3ish years we were dating and married but with everything we have been going through these past few months- we both couldn't believe how much our answers have changed. Its fun to keep up to date with the little things you usually don't talk about after you get married.
we got there around noon and had a great day
swimming, relaxing, pedicures, yummy dinner, chatting, staying up late and lots of snacking!

**you can see ryan with his "little" cousin derek in the background- HA!**
ahh... cant wait to go back...
we had such a great time with our family.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Things that you LOVE/Makes you happy

Here are a few of mine:
- seriously how could this not make me smile every time i see it?
im over the moon in love:
- soccer! i love this game.

- my obsession. anything and everything friends.
- yummy cherry limeades during happy hour.

- yum, this man.

- my favorite pair of shoes.

- rodizio grill
- dinner with family
- our other couple
- water fights
- vacations to the beach
- hot tubs
- swimming
- new mascara
- 4wheelers
- boating
- camp fires
- hugs
- old songs being played on the radio
- sand
- my puppies
- clean laundry
- clean dishes
- clean house
- new toothbrushes
- cold milk
- making cakes
- gelato
- my daughters laugh
- her room
- her songs
- his touch
- his funny noises
- his laugh
- his kisses
- her smell
- her blanket
- her videos
- his arms
bottom line
more than anything in the whole wide world...
these 2
- now what about you? your turn -

Monday, May 24, 2010


oh this life.
some days are okay
other days are hell.
what have we been up to?
spring semester ended for me- i didn't do great in school but passed.
I'm taking 1 class this summer.
i need extra time to prepare for Makenzie's Live, Laugh, Breathe event in July.
I'm working really hard on the event but never feel I'm on top of it yet.
ryan went to the cabin with his dad and BIL last weekend.
they had a great time, even if there was still 4ft of snow!
i went to idaho.
of course i forgot my camera!
it was nice to spend some time with my amazing sister and her family.
i miss them. ms S is getting so big i cant believe it.
dogs are doing good.
milo is sweet but not my buddy yet. harley is still my "baby puppy"
milo pee's and poops all over the house and chews up everything. (yeah i know, what else did i expect?) i had more patience with harley. i don't know why i cant have more patience with milo. he is growing like a weed- seriously. he is 13 weeks old and 22 lbs! he is going to be huge. i didn't realize i was buying a horse. maybe next winter we can hook a sled up to his back and he can pull us around on the snow :)
ryan and i are keeping busy. over the last month our days seem to be getting harder not easier. we talk about makenzie all the time. we think about her every second.
i worry about ryan. i wish i could hold him all the time and be his strength. I'm trying. he is so amazing. he is my strength. I'm the one who crumbles on him. we lay in bed and cry more often. we do it together though. then we make each other get up. we are a good team. i couldn't ask for a better partner. i feel more love for him everyday.
our cute roomie (jillie) still lives with us. I'm not sure if we will ever let her leave.
we have been asked about more kids quite a bit lately. right now- its not even in our thoughts.
***just an fyi- if you find out someone has lost a child, i know its uncomfortable and you don't know what to say but please oh please- more than anything don't say
"well you can just have another one"
seriously- like its a pair of shoes, i can just go buy a new pair! no... not only is it offensive and ridiculous but you might also put your foot in your mouth like people have with us because no- we cant just have another child... our daughter passed away from a genetic disease- that means most likely- our next child will have it.***
ok anyway- children right now, or anytime in the near future is a no.
for things coming up in the next couple months:
- St. George this weekend
- Yellowstone next weekend, cant wait to stay here.
- Camping in June
- my brother Ben is moving to Washington with his family! They will also be able to make it to the event in July!
- of course Makenzie's event-- 52 more days!
- San Diego vaca... we leave with D+A+E+B+Dboy+Ry+Me on July 20th
- Ry bday in July
- summer semester ending
- fall semester beginning and... ill have a college buddy- that's right- Ryan is enrolling in school!
there are other events here and there that will keep us busy.
we are trying to live. although its so hard and sometimes we just don't know how we will do it- we do. because of our friends, our family and this blog. we are moving. slowly. painfully. but moving. i pray for Makenzie's freedom everyday- i pray for her happiness- i pray for her.
someday we will hold her again.

*ry came to our sonic picnic this time*


a couple weeks ago we had our adorable niece and nephew come stay with us.
They are to cute for words.
we love having them around.
that weekend we wanted to enjoy the nice weather and do something fun.
i have been wanting to go to the zoo for a year now.
i have been dieing to see the baby elephant ZURI.
= madness
we had a great time but it wasn't done easily.
we had to park up the mountain, around the block and in some neighborhood and walk like 5 miles back to the parking lot- it was so busy and crowded - it got really warm hauling around 4 kids - they got cranky - they got hungry - the train line was a bit to long - we only brought 1 stroller - their legs got tired - our arms got tired - devlin was done holding hands...
it was also sunny - we laughed at the funny animals - we didn't go into the bug building (which i prefer) - we saw all my favorite animals - they got cool souvenirs - we rode the train - we brought at least 1 stroller - we got to carry the kido's when legs got tired - the animals were pretty active - the baby elephant was adorable - the girls were best friends - we ran down hills and hiked back up others - the peacock shook its tail feathers - we ran - we smiled - we played on the playground - and i got A time...
i have to admit, i thought about makenzie the whole time. i just imagined her brady's size (ok a little smaller) i imagined her smiling at the craziness of her mom. me trying to get her to look at all the animals and experience the amazement of the zoo. the hardest part was the gorillas. i love them and wanted her to see them so bad. i know she was with us but i just wish i could have seen the look on her face. good thing these guys kept me on my toes and smiling!


new haircut-new boy

...If you have read my blog you know about his boy...
his name is
sweet boy.
cute boy.
he is my adorable nephew
we love him so much.
we had him and his cutie lil sister the other week and while they were with us
this poor kid has had to deal with me trimming his hair just about every time he is with me. his poor parents have to deal with a kid that looks different every time he goes home.
hmm.. and this time.
it wasn't a little trim
aunt j took it all off!

at first- he was a little worried he couldn't do spikes.
after a little squirt of
and a running through of fingers
it was a little spiky.
for hours after he kept telling us he feels so different.
he kept saying- im like a different kid.
he looks so adorable i cant stand it!


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