Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Makenzie's Christmas

Wish we could be there to decorate it ourselves. Thankful for family who makes sure she is taken care of. Tracker made her some necklaces and painted some little figures this year. 
He picked out the presents under the tree.
He picked the pink and purple theme. 
I am glad he is more interested. 
Wanting to be involved. 
but I hate that this is all he will ever know. 
Some years my vision and thoughts of her in heaven have been really good. They always hurt. but they were strong and I KNEW she was in the best place she could be. It seems to be a battle each year at the place I am at. With her. With God. This year, like I mentioned in her Angel Day post- has been really hard. Tracker is a great distraction. He keeps me busy and my mind preoccupied. I have no idea how I did it before he was here. A crazy- horrible- fog I guess. 
I miss her. 
I miss being her Mama. 
I ache to know how it would be to be her Mom now. 
How she would look and talk and what she would like. 
What would she have wanted for Christmas?
So often I wish I could just have one clear understanding or feeling and it would stay. That I could always feel that. Peace. I long to feel that peace. That knowledge that she is okay. That she is happy and that there is going to be something after. That I will see her again and we will be together. 
I know this is all something I have to figure out and learn. and continue to learn and grow on because the moment I don't have it at the front of my mind it goes away. 
My relationship with God has not been effortless. It hasn't been easy. It hasn't always been there. 
I have yet to figure out why. I'm sure its me. 
but I don't know what I am doing to make it come and go. 
I know the closer I am to him, the closer I am to Kenzie. 
There are walls built. I don't know why. 
I don't necessarily want to let him in. The unknown maybe? 
The frustration from always feeling like its not good enough in someone else's eyes. 
Why do I care what others think? I do though.
The path I am on is my own. I am learning as I go. I don't know what I am doing. I am testing the waters and following any little belief I have and doing what my heart is telling me. 
Ill figure it out.
I pray for her. For what her Christmas must have been. I pray for her happiness. Her freedom.
To know she is better where she is. 
because not knowing she is okay and safe is excruciating. 

Saturday, December 27, 2014

Christmas Day

There is nothing better than seeing your child on Christmas morning. Seriously its magic. 
He was so excited to see what Santa brought. He ran down the hall and immediately went for the coaster. I knew he would and once he saw it I had the revelation that we should have hid that for the very end because what happened was he wanted nothing to do with anything else. 
I don't blame him. Ryan and I got to play with it for over a week in the garage before he saw it. We had to test it out and make sure it was safe :)
We spent the morning taking our time visiting, drinking pot after pot of coffee since someone didn't sleep well the night before, and soaked up every minute of the day. Tracker couldn't focus on anything but the coaster so he would open a present and run back to the coaster for a good 10 minutes before we could convince him to open another. It seriously took until lunch time. but we had no plans and no where to be. We stayed in jammies all day and let Tracker enjoy every second.
We made a big dinner and more treats. This time for our neighbors. 
The baking in the house was out of control this last month.
I loved spending the day with my Mom and having her all to ourselves.
We face timed with all our family which made the missing them a little better. Tracker was not interested in talking to anyone since he was once again too wrapped up in that coaster. When we made him take a break he was so upset until his cousin Lucy discovered the "big eye" trick and Tracker went nuts. She would put her eye right up to the camera and he would break out into a fit of laughter. He could have done that the rest of the day if he hadn't spotted that coaster once again.
We ended the night sending Kenzie some wish lanterns.
Sure miss that girl. There was not a moment we didn't wish she was right there with Tracker opening presents and having the best day ever. This would have been a fun year for her. I hope her Christmas with Jesus was more amazing than anything we could have given her.

Friday, December 26, 2014

Christmas Eve

My Mom was here the week of Christmas which made everything so much more fun. 
Ryan had to work on Christmas Eve so we spent the morning making Santa cookies, cooking dinner and making Santa a card. After Ryan got off work we headed to Christmas Eve church service where Tracker got to go on stage. He was making us laugh as he sat there so well and listened to what the lady was telling them to do. Doing something like this on Christmas Eve every year is so important to me. I can get so caught up on the excitement of Christmas morning and sometimes not remember to talk about Christ enough. We try harder and harder every year to do more surrounding Christ. To make sure he is apart of every aspect in this holiday. By serving others or reading stories of his life. Praying and thanking him for all he has given to us. 
These are things that I hope Tracker continues to grow up knowing. Knowing him. Feeling him.
The service was so nice. It was great to be brought back and centered in what this holiday is all about.
After we got back Tracker opened our Christmas Eve present which was jammies and slippers for all. Even Harley got a new Christmas sweater/dress.
 We started a tradition a few years ago to make 1 angel cookie and leave it with the rest of Santa's cookies. The angel cookie is for Makenzie. The last 2 years Tracker has obviously had no idea what we were doing but this year he was so into everything aspect of the holiday. When we set out the cookies for Santa he would point to each cookie and say "Santa's cookie" and then point to the angel one and say "Da one for sister". 
After Christmas stories and tucking Track into bed we watched a Christmas movie.
It was so hard going to bed because we were all so excited for the next morning. 


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