Sunday, May 27, 2012

24 Weeks

*Sorry No picture. My photographer is having a much deserved few days away*

How far along? 24 Weeks
Maternity clothes? Yes.
Stretch marks? No.
Best moment this week: Finding out everything is going great from the doctor, hearing his heartbeat and laying it bed every night with Ryan and watching him go crazy punching my belly.
Miss Anything? Fitting into clothes and smaller boobs.
Movement: His movements have kicked into high gear this week. He moves all day and night. He has waken me up just about every morning this week around 6:30am. 
Food Cravings: Snow cones. I was craving cherrys and bought some but they ended up making me sick so now I have a big container of cherrys in my fridge that someone else will need to eat!
Anything making you queasy or sick: Not really feeling sick this week.
Gender: BOY!
Labor Signs: Still having a lot of braxton hicks contractions. My doctor assured me again that its totally fine as long as they are not regular. but my GOD they hurt.
Symptoms: On a good note-- my back has been a bit better this week. I have had a couple bad days but its been a lot better. Its just these dang contractions that are driving me nuts.
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: Rather emotional but happy.
Looking forward to: Ryan coming home! I know I know... Its only been a couple days but I seriously miss him so much. and getting his dresser painted this week. FINALLY! I hope the color turns out.

This week has still be full of tears. I would think they have to be ready to dry up soon but no, they keep coming. Pregnancy sure can do a number on a women. I think we all need a special present before the baby comes. Maybe a trip or something. I admire all those women who are confident while pregnant. I sure am not one of those people. I honestly feel like a cow. and dont even get me started on showering. I refuse to bathe because I cant imagine having to sit there and stare at my ever expanding body. It really is amazing that my body can do that and I am so very happy that it can- but it can also be really overwhelming. and for me what usually happens is I start focusing on how big my hips or boobs or belly button is right now and then I start thinking about the next 16 weeks and how much bigger ill be and then I start thinking about when he finally gets here and what my body will look like then--- and without warning--- my thoughts go from my body to life. and realizing in 16 weeks there will be a new life in our house. Then I become a giant basket case. I start freaking out at the thought of me as a Mom. I start freaking out about money. I start freaking out about anyone looking at baby T. I start freaking out about what his future will be. Oh its not pretty. Ill have quite a few ridiculous thoughts thrown around and will call Ryan in tears asking him once again to promise he wont leave me for some hoe. He laughs. Thinks im totally nuts. I get a little offended because I really am worried about that. and then he reasures me he wont be going anywhere. Then I start to threaten him if he does ever think about leaving. Then he laughs. Tells me he is a little frightened and we end up laughing. and this happens quite often. I would say I wake him up in the middle of the night 3-4 times a week with this same conversation occuring. Its kind of silly. but I am really worried about that. and I know I cant control everything so that freaks me out even more. To know that it could happen and that I cant control it.
Oh heavens. Here I go. I might need to call Ryan in a minute. Poor boy had to drive 5 hours to get away so he could breathe for a few days. I always feel so sorry for him when I am pregnant. At least I buy him presents like a candy bar or a new bottle of bubble bath and hope that makes him fall inlove with me again. So far it works everytime.

I was determined to work a little on T's room this week. Other than paint we have done nothing. I have so much to do and not a lot of time left. My goal for last week was to paint his dresser. I got as far as taking 1 drawer outside and I bought the paint. Thats it.
So my goal once again this week will be to paint that dresser!
and find knobs to go on it. any advice where I can find rustic metal knobs? Nothing to fancy. Kind of plain.

Pregnancy Tips

- If you do the whole hair tie around the button of your pants trick- make sure you carry around extra hair ties. Seems so logical but apparently not for me. With not 1 but 2 hair tie accidents where they fell in a public toilet leaving me with nothing to hold up my pants I have now learned.
- If this is your first child you might need to start wearing pantie liners every single day during your last trimester. A little sneeze or cough will cause some serious issues. If you are on your second or I'm assuming any other child after the first. Start wearing these pantie liners in the second trimester. Those little accidents happen a lot sooner. Unless you are me and tend to full on piss yourself.
- Get the book... My girlfriends guide to pregnancy... Seriously the best read. I read it when I was pregnant with Kenzie and I'm reading it again. but this time I totally understand so much more and its just refreshing my memory.
- Invest in a good water bottle. I love those thick plastic ones that have a straw. I love my ice water in them. I find Ill drink more if that thing is always full.
- Drink water A LOT. I cant believe how much it helps me with every symptom I have. I just keep drinking more and more and feel better and better. I think I am drinking close to 100 oz a day. HOLY MOLY. and that's just water. I am still indulging in my milk, coffee and juice. mmm... Maybe that's why I tend to pee my pants. My body hasn't really gotten used to drinking so much yet. I seriously tinkle like 4-5 times an hour. Its almost impossible to do anything outside of my house because I am consistently running to a bathroom.
- Don't buy maternity clothes to far in advance. With Makenzie I went and stocked up in the first trimester and bought out motherhood maternity. I ended up only wearing 2 of the 8 shirts I bought and none of the pants. I grew different and my body wasn't like the "average" pregnant women I guess. I am waiting with this one. Buying as I go if/when I need it. I will use my belly band my whole pregnancy. I was told I will only be able to wear it until the 3rd trimester from a few different people with Makenzie but I wore it up until the day before she was born. That is a life saver on buying new pants. ESP if you have longer legs like me. Its impossible to find long inseam maternity bottoms. If you do want to invest in a nice pair I would recommend the Rock Revival maternity jeans. They are long and have an adjustable waist.
On this same note- don't expect you will for sure be able to wear all your same maternity clothes again. Since I am carrying this baby so much lower than Makenzie, everything fits different. I couldn't wear the over the belly pants with Makenzie. She was sitting so high that they never stretched up far enough. The top of those pants sat in the middle of my belly and was so uncomfortable so I would end up folding it down every time. With this baby I cant wear the thick band that goes under the belly comfortably. I do it anyway because I am broke and cant buy new maternity pants but by the end of the day I barely make it home before those suckers come off and T doesn't enjoy them very much because they are shoving into him.
- Those giant over sized maternity pillows that look like a snake- they are ammazing. I just got one thanks to my sista and I am in 7th heaven. I have never slept so good in my life. I put part of that sucker between my legs then I lay on part of it so it supports my belly and curls around my head enough for me to still snuggle with it. I am telling you this thing is pushing Ryan out of the bed.

Now I am no expert on pregnancy. Far from it. So if you have any advice I would love to hear it.

Saturday, May 26, 2012


Life is sure full of choices... Some are choices we would rather never make in life but are faced to do it anyway. Up until Makenzie got sick I was always one to try and put myself in someone elses shoes. I seemed to always have an opinion on the matter. I would always have a... Oh I would never do this. Or a if that was me I would make these choices different... It wasn't that I felt that person was necessarily making the wrong choices but I just didn't always understand their reasoning and felt I was oh so wise and would make better choices... You know because I know everything and all. and I say I did that until Makenzie was sick because that was the biggest moment in my life where I realized I know shit about anything.
Sure I thought I had been through "a lot". I thought I was a wise girl and knew much about life. I was fairly comfortable in my beliefs and after all I had my life planned out on a real fancy spreadsheet. I was a Mom. I worked full time and went to school. I was in what I thought was a successful marriage and lets face it people-- We had made the 2 year anniversary mark so we were good to go for the rest of our lives... right? Once that little girl of mine got sick. My confidence and knowledge of life suddenly flew out the window.
I had no fucking idea what to do. and those choices that you say you would make... You know like when you hear of another family losing a child and you say... Oh I couldnt handle that I would kill myself.
What so many of us... INCLUDING ME doesn't realize is when you are actually in those real situations, you really will have no clue what you will do.

You know up until days before Makenzie passed I was certain we would do anything to keep her here with us. We put our house up for sale because we couldn't live in a 3 story townhouse with a child who was on a ventilator 24/7 and had tons of other equipment that needed to be with her at all times. We put Ryan's prized possession at the time-- his truck-- up for sale. We listed just about everything we own online and got in the mind set that we would do anything to protect this little girl and keep her happy and healthy for as long as we could keep her. We would do anything for her.
We talked to other families who were in similar situations as us. Families who made the choice to bring their little one home with a trach and vent. I found so much strength from them. I felt like they made the right choice and they were hero's in my freshly awaken eyes. Their children were remarkable. None of those families that I talked to had the same disease as Makenzie. It was good to know how their life worked with a child on a ventilator 24/7 but at the end of the day we had to take all that information we learned and evaluate it compared to Makenzie. There was only 1 other SMARD family that I had learned about and for whatever reason I never could quite connect with this amazing mama. She kept trying to touch base with me and we emailed but whether it was a doctor coming in the room or a test being done I never got to speak to her directly on the phone. I did read her blog and talked to other doctors about her and her amazing son that were familiar with this family. The doctors did their best to compare our children and see where Makenzie was compared to this little man. Of course there was never a certain answer with anything. They could give their opinions but like most unknown disease they really couldn't go off much. Each case is sooo different that there is no way to know if our Makenzie would be like this sweet little boy.

What we did know was what we could already see. Makenzie was very sick. She was sick for a while and I think because she had so many problems getting the nourishment she needed for those few months before she finally got her GTube she wasn't as well off. It was almost daily that we could see her losing more and more tone in her arms and especially her legs. When she was in the hospital she was not getting better. She was getting worse. It was a constant struggle to keep her happy and to keep food in her. She would throw up, she would have extremely large gas bubbles that wouldn't vent on their own and with all of those things they would stop her feeds. It would take hours and hours for her to settle and the moment we would try to feed her again it would all happen again. Over and over. I know there are other families that have this struggle everyday with their child and I am just amazed at them and how they can do it.
With all of that being said none of that was our reasoning for feeling like it was Makenzies time.
Life is hard. really hard. and we are all given trials that we may think we cant handle but in reality when faced with it, especially with your child, you do anything and everything to get the job done.
Ryan and I were not afraid of the task. We were not worried about how we could handle this. We were not worried about what our life would be. It was not about us. It was about our daughter.
Like I said that hospital gave me some new eyes. A different outlook on this life and it was very clear to both Ryan and I that this choice needed to be made by us but that it was not about us.

When I finally got the courage to take myself out of the equation (Ryan had already, he was way ahead of me on this) we knew what we needed to do. It wasn't a choice we ever thought we would make. It wasn't a life we ever expected to live. but here we were. Knowing this little girl that we simple adored. This little girl who was wrapped up in every ounce of our happiness, our hope, our love, our future was not meant to be with us much longer.
To know my daughters life would end. To know I would never hold her. Never kiss her. Never watch her grow. Never see that smile again for the rest of my life. That choice was not made lightly. That choice was not a choice I ever wanted to make. That choice was a choice that if I was on the outside I could never understand. It just didn't make sense. My job in life was to protect my child. To fight for her. I didn't know what the future would hold other than the little information that was online and the endless hours we spend talking to specialists who honestly couldn't give us a lot of information. We were not certain of Makenzies disease when she died. Her diagnosis didn't come until a few weeks later. but we knew she had some kind of neuro-muscular disease and that she was at the best she would ever be. 
Do I wish my choice was not what it was? Absolutely. I wish her body was able to stay strong enough to take her home. That I could continue being her mom and that I could give my whole life to giving her the world.
Our situation is not one that we can compare to another. There are other kids out there that have the same disease as Makenzie and they are thriving. I cant sit here and wonder if that would have been her. Would she be that happy? Would she be able to do that? I just don't know. We had to go off of what we knew then and what we knew was right for Makenzie. Just like these other incredible families had to make a choice that was right for their child. and none of us choose the wrong thing.

Choices... Every one of us has to make them. and no matter who you are there really is no reason for you to doubt or question another for the decision they make. I'm sure if you haven't already learned you will learn one day that every situation is different. There is much more than what you think there is and you probably have no idea why that choice was actually made.

A few months back I had some not so nice comments left accusing me of doing some horrible things to my family. I decided at that time make it so all comments have to be approved before they can be viewed and that was honestly for anyone else that is reading this blog. I know what has happened in my life. I know why we made the choices we did. and just because I don't spell something out on this blog doesn't mean you can read between the lines because you really don't know what else is there. Over the last few months there have still been some comments left and emails received that ask why in the world we would have made the decisions we have.
Some people are honestly very genuine and really want to understand. Its something you cant really imagine and so they are curious. I don't mind that. I get curious too. but there are more that are not so much curious and genuinely want to know but rather pointing fingers wanting to make sure I know I made the wrong choice. I have not published the comments that are not so nice and I have done that because those people really don't deserve to have a voice. but my reasoning for blogging about this once again is because I am honestly asking begging all of you out there to please stop judging.
Get off your spiritual high horse thinking you know any more about life than the rest of us and telling people around you that they are making the wrong choices in certain situations.
You really don't know what is going on behind closed doors and you have no idea what someones relationship with God is really like. Please just focus on your life. There are certain opinions that don't need to be voiced.
There is a difference between wanting to understand me and demanding I understand you.
For all those emails or comments I might receive, that's fine. Thank you for allowing me to take up such an important part of your life. but please leave those comments and email to me. Don't share them with someone else because you don't know what they are going through and how they feel about their person choices.
I have talked about bulling before and I wonder if these people really dont understand that they are being bullys? There is more than just me that has heard some extremely harsh words from not only strangers but people we know. Other people who are in similar situations as me. People who have lost children and had to make really difficult decisions.
I am thankful I have had, for the most part, a pretty clear understanding about what has happened. The reason I am comfortable in it is because of Makenzie. She knew I needed as much reassurance as she could give me and she gave it to me often.
She was done.
She was tired and she was ready to be free.
There is absolutely nothing else I could have given her. I sometimes wish she was still here only for the reason that I could repay her for all that she gave me and continues to give me because it doesn't compare. She changed my life. She gave me the best thing in the world and she is continuing to stay by my side. Her life is beautiful now. and I wish I could look in her eyes and thank her and spoil her rotten for being so amazing.

2 days after Makenzie passed away Ryan and I were running around town. Finishing funeral arrangements, buying him a suit and finding an outfit to bury our daughter in. I remember very clearly thinking that I just couldn't understand how the world was still moving. How everyone was living life like nothing was wrong. Couldn't they see how sad we were? Couldn't they see that our daughter just died? It made me stop and think about how many other people are in that same boat. Maybe not the exact same boat but that they are going through something that would be so much easier if everything around them would just stop for a few god damn minutes. That everyone could stop their silly issues, that they could stop worrying about every non-important thing in life and just stop judging.

Everyone is going through something. Everyone is faced with a choice they dont really want to make in life. and No one deserves to
You cant really imagine what you would choose in any certain situation. You don't know what other people are going through and I hope we can all learn to be a little kinder and more understanding.

Friday, May 25, 2012

Cookbooks for Leggings!!!

Just as a reminder... ALL cookbook sales go straight to our Leggings Project.
If you don't know what the leggings project is... Just visit the tab at the top of my blog. It will explain it all.
You will get an amazing cookbook put together by hundreds of people from all over the world and you will be helping the children's hospital with all the money going toward the leggings.
Make sure you tell your family and friends and go get your cookbook!

You can order your cookbook with the link located on the right hand side of my blog.


Monday, May 21, 2012

23 Weeks

How far along? 23 Weeks
Maternity clothes? Yes.
Stretch marks? No.
Best moment this week: Feeling him move around so much.
Miss Anything? Feeling like a normal person and not so crazy.
Movement: He moves a lot when I am laying down but not so much when I am up. 
Food Cravings: This week I have been craving corn dogs and sonic cherry limeade drinks. I have yet to indulge in either craving.
Anything making you queasy or sick: I have been feeling a little off the last few days but not sure whats causing it.
Gender: BOY! 
Labor Signs: Still having a lot of braxton hicks contractions. but no real labor signs. thank God.
Symptoms: My back is still hurting, my emotions are out of control and it hurts to move.
Belly Button in or out? How is my button starting to stick out already? Oh for heaven sakes.
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: Over the top emotional.
Looking forward to: Doctors appointment this week. Cant wait to hear his heartbeat and be reassured everything is going good.

This week has been a bit of a hard one. Emotionally and physically. My back has been hurting my stomach has been aching and the tears have only stopped on a few rare occasions. I am so thankful to be pregnant. I am so thankful to have this chance to have a child come into our life and I am honored to be able to carry him myself. I know how great of a blessing this is and I am not taking it for granted. but this round of pregnancy has been a whole different story than it was with Makenzie. I remember having aches and pains. I remember being emotional. I remember the mood swings. but it was nothing like it is now. I am not sure if its different because this is a boy or maybe because of Makenzie or a combination of everything. I am so exhausted. All those books say your energy should be back in the second trimester and I am just a few weeks away from the third and have yet to get that energy back. I could sleep all day and night if my body would allow but this body can’t be in any one place for too long. My back feels like I am carrying a million extra pounds. My stomach is constantly aching. I can’t even have my shirt rest against it without it throbbing. I feel like my boobs are going to blow up any second. I don't fit into much of anything in regards to bras and tank tops. I would go buy new ones but I don't really feel like spending that much money on comfort for only a couple more weeks. I feel horrible consistently complaining to Ryan. He is so sweet and tries to understand but I know he is having a hard time understanding. When I was pregnant with Makenzie I didn't have so many "issues" I was working more than 40 hours a week, going to school full time and still managed to keep my house under control. I am not even doing half of that this time and cant seem to muster up any ounce of energy or desire to take the trash out. On a daily basis I find myself in the fetal position on the floor crying because I simply cant imagine getting up to make dinner. I get so upset with myself and that just makes it all much worse. I hate reading all those pregnancy books because I never feel like I am on the same page. I feel like I am too big or don't feel the right things or I am not doing enough. and it doesn't really help talking to others. Usually because it’s hard to relate. I know this is all sounding like I am one big whiner but this is real and this is where I am at now. I want to remember all of this for the future. I hope I start feeling better. I think I will. and if this ever happens again. If I am ever pregnant again I can look back and see that this will end and its just part of the crazy journey of pregnancy. 

Wednesday, May 16, 2012


I love when others share some of their favorite things in life or things that make life a little easier because I usually find something new to try and I love that. So after writing a not so happy post yesterday and deciding not to post it because I used  the F word a few too many times I decided to be a little more cheery and dive into a list of my favs.

- Amazon... I love this place. I don't buy everything on here but I buy A LOT. I buy most if not all of our doggie treats and shampoo. Its not usually a whole lot cheaper a couple bucks can add up. I only buy things that I can get the prime shipping because I refuse to ever ever pay for shipping when I shop online. I find it a waste of money. Harley along with my children empty my wallet faster than a snow cone sale. I love to get them cute or fun or new things. So if I can shop online and not go into a store I usually spend less anyway.
I buy a lot of other things on amazon exclusively-- such as cell phone cases. Now seriously if you haven't realized how cheap you can get your cell phone case and you are still spending $20-$30 you better RUN to amazon. I never usually never spend more than $4 on a case but my last case I bought I really loved and I splurged and spent $10 on it. For any of you that buy otter boxes-- they are cheaper too. They can be so expensive but Ryan HAS to have one. It has saved it phone hundreds of times so I refuse to let him get anything else.
My tip for Amazon other than being apart of PRIME... Keep checking back for an item you are looking for. There is new stuff added quite a bit and sometimes when I cant get something with free shipping- ill come back a couple days/weeks later and can get it through PRIME.
- My tumblers. I only have 2 because I really don't need more than that but I love them both sooo much. I have never been one to drink enough during the day and for some reason these things make me drink more. I take them everywhere I go and they keep ice frozen all day. Since I became pregnant I haven't been able to drink out of glass cups much. For some weird reason they make me gag and changes the taste of everything I am drinking so I am all about the plastic stuff. Reusable of course.

- "A Place of Yes" by Bethenny Frankel. Okay I know this girl has been on some cheesy reality TV but I honestly love her. You know me and the cheesy reality. I love it all. but what really made me love this lady is this book. I am not a big book lover. I love children's books but I don't LOVE to sit down and read for hours on end. I don't know whats wrong with me. but this book is one I LOVE and enjoyed reading for hours. This book made me want to change certain areas in my life. Not huge areas but little ones. It made me feel more empowered to go after what I am wanting in life. Whether it be big or small and do what I have to do in order to accomplish that. I first read this book when I really needed it last year and I took so much of it to heart and it was really eye opening

-Almonds. Delicious raw almonds. I have always thought I hated any type of nut growing up. I would steer clear of them all. Well now that I'm a grown up I decided to start trying all those things I used to hate again to see if I really hated them. and so far most nuts have now been moved to my LOVE list. There are some I am still not a fan of but almonds are definitely one of my favorites. I have been eating them like crazy through this pregnancy because I am always feeling hungry and that is something I don't feel too guilty about snacking on between meals.

- Kuhn Rikon 4" Paring Knives. Okay so these have to be the best knives I have ever seen. I love these more than our wusthof knifes people. I bought ours close to 4 years ago at Sur La Table but I recently found them on AMAZON for cheaper. You can buy them individually at Sur La Table for about $10 each and on Amazon for $24 for a set of 3. The colors are what made me fall in love, ill be honest. but they are so sharp and hardly ever have to be sharpened. I use them for everything and they are crazy easy to clean. I should take better care of my knives but I usually stick them all in the dishwasher and these never come out looking a bit rusty like some of the others I have.

- Jergens gradual self tanner. I hate self tanning lotions. They never go on me evenly so I am left with streaks and orange in random areas instead of a light tan. I used to love to go to tanning beds but honest have been scared to death about cancer and how dangerous they are so I haven't been inside one for a couple years and well now that I am pregnant I cant really unless I want to cook my baby in a bad way. but I also hate being so glowing white that I have to wear sun glasses when I am nude or if my legs or arms are showing skin at all. I was really skeptical about using Jergens but when I saw my sister looking like she just got back from Hawaii with a perfect tan I was sold. I bought a bottle which I just have to say is kind of expensive so I was a bit nervous but I love it. I started to notice a little color after 3 days of applying once a day. I stopped using it after 6 days because I did start to see some streaking. I think if you apply to much it can do that but its now been a full 2 weeks since I started to put it on and 8 days since I have applied some and I am just now starting to see it washing away. I figured ill do some exfoliating and start over in a day or so but I love the color it gives me. Its just barley anything really but it makes me feel like I have something. AND it smells really good. Normally self tanners smell weird and smell like a tanning bed but not this stuff. I love it.
- Weekly planners. I started this right after Ryan and I got married and over the years it changes all the time to fit our needs in the moment. I am a bit of a control freak and I need things to be written down and planned out. I am doing better at living in the moment but this is one thing that at least gives me some healthy control and keeps our house running. I have a TO DO side of things that has to get done during that week. When it gets done I don't care just as long as by Sunday everything is crossed off. That way if Ryan has time to help he can see what still needs to be done and does something. The other side is a food menu. I have sections for breakfast, lunch and dinner but we usually never follow the breakfast and lunch ones. I try to at least have a list of what we have in the house so we are not standing there in the morning thinking there is nothing to eat. but we always follow the dinner menu. We might switch the days up depending on what we are in the mood for but we always pick something for that week because I know we have everything to make it. On the back is my shopping list. I try to keep that up to date when we run out of the staple items like butter, certain seasonings, cheese, etc. Those are sometimes items ill over look when I'm trying to plan a meal for the next week and forget I need to get those at the store.

I really could make a list much larger but I figured you might be kind of bored so ill end it with that. If you do these favorite lists make sure you let me know because I would love to see it. I am always looking for new tips and tricks and products to try.

Happy Wednesday!

Monday, May 14, 2012

Mother's Day

Makenzie, Happy YOU day! I am so so so thankful that you came into my life almost 3 years ago. You were the best thing to ever happen to me. You gave me the name Mom. You taught me more in my life than I could have ever taught you. Thank you for being mine. Thank you for choosing me to be your Mom. I cant wait until the day I get to hold you again. I cant wait for the day I can never let you go. Makenzie you are now and forever will be my reason in this life. I am so thankful for the chance to be a Mom again with your little brother and I hope I make you proud by raising him the very best.
You are my first. You are my life. You are the best part of my existence. 
Thank you for the life you allowed me to live with you. and thank you for the promise we will be together forever. Keep dreaming with me baby.
I love you.
Love Mom

Baby T, Happy YOU day! You have no idea how excited I am to have you apart of our family. I cant wait to see your face and hold you for the first time. You are an incredible gift that will bring so much sunshine after some really hard times. I promise I will live everyday trying harder and harder to be the best Mum for you. I don't take your life for granted for one second. Every moment you give me will be a treasure. I am honored you chose me to be your Mom. 125 days until we meet. In the mean time keep kicking, punching and wiggling away. I love it. Every little movement. 
Stay strong and Ill be counting the days until you are here.
I love you.
Love Mom

Mommy Diane, Oh there are no words to express the amount of love I have for you. Thank you for being my example. Thank you for being the strength, light and love that holds this family together. You are amazing. I don't know what I would do without you. You have taught me so much. Thank you for loving me and my family. Thank you for always being there when we need you. Thank you for loving Makenzie as much as you do and for always counting her. You have no idea how much I love you.
I cant wait for baby T to know his Grandma Diane.
I hope you see how much you mean to me and how much I need you.
I love you.
Love Kendra.

Mommy Becky, Oh how I love my Becky. You are such an amazing example to me. The Mom you were and continue to be is simply incredible. I am forever grateful to be apart of your family. I have no words to thank you for raising the incredible man you did. I pray every day that baby T grows up to be just like his Dad and you are to thank for that. I have so much to learn and I am so happy to have you there to help me along the way. Thank you for loving us and our Makenzie as much as you do. Thank you for always keeping her so alive in our family. Thank you for being her Grandma. I cant wait until baby T gets to spend time and learn from his Grandma Becky. I hope you know how much I love you. I am so incredibly thankful for everything you are.
I love you.
Love Kendra


I am so very blessed to have so many Mom's in my life as incredible examples for what a Mom really is. Not only my own Mom and Mother in law but my sisters and my friends and my Grandmas and my aunts and cousins. I am so very happy to have each and everyone of them. 
Motherhood is seriously the hardest job in the world.
I admire everyone of you out there who is a Mom or trying to be a mom or soon to be mom.
I hope everyone out there has a wonderful Mothers Day 
and you see what an amazing job you are doing.
You have the most important job in the world. You are raising the future. You are shaping the world. You are creating life. That is amazing.
Happy Mothers Day!

22 Weeks

How far along? 22 Weeks
Maternity clothes? Some.
Stretch marks? No.
Best moment this week: Watching my tummy move from the outside.
Miss Anything? Clothes that fit. Still in a weird stage and kind of hate how everything looks.
Movement: He has been moving less this week but I have been so busy and haven't had a ton of time to sit down and that's when he moves the most.
Food Cravings: Dr. Pepper fountain drink. Oh it always tastes so good.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Because I have been so busy this week I haven't been as good about drinking enough water and when I don't drink enough water I start feeling extra nauseous. but remember if I drink water at the wrong times of the day I get sick as well. Its a funny balancing act.
Gender: BOY!
Labor Signs: No
Symptoms: A lot of braxton hicks contractions. Oh they hurt bad. I never got those with Makenzie and they are no fun. My back is still aching so between the 2 its not always a fun time.
Belly Button in or out? In the middle.
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: I am very very Happy. Very emotional but definitely happy.
Looking forward to: Feeling him move more.

This week has been pretty uneventful as far as pregnancy goes. I have been busy baby/house sitting my 6 adorable nieces and nephews. Ryan has been working a horrible schedule and doesn't get off until about 8:00 pm or later and since I am not staying at my house we see each other for maybe 15-20 minutes a day when he stops by to say hi before he goes home to tend to Harley and sleep.
I sure miss him.

Friday, May 11, 2012


Thanks for all your advice on names for baby T.
I am pretty sure we are sticking with our different name but I promise its not spelled weird. It sounds just how it looks. I have to say I should kind of get the "different" name issue. I mean Kendra is definitely not the name everyone in the world shares. I used to hate my name. I even asked to be called by my middle name for a period of time-- Diane-- no offense to all the Diane's, like my Mum, its a nice name but I don't know why I thought Diane was that much better than Kendra when I was 9. In my ideal world my name would have been Michelle or Stephanie. I was a little obsessed with Full House and those were pretty popular names at the time. Eh well. Over time I learned to accept my name. Then I learned to like it. Now its just me. I am sure no matter what we name T he will go through a period where he might want to change it. but someday he will see how important his name is to us and he will learn to love it. I hope. Or he will tolerate it. I have thought of all the nicknames he could be called. My nieces and nephews have been great at helping me learn all of those. but I honestly don't mind them. My family all is calling him by name and my nieces and nephews are always asking about _____ and when he is going to get here. Ryan and I talk to him and refer to his things as his so I cant imagine at this point calling him anything else. I guess its stuck and I am totally fine with that.
I am so anxious to hold this little boy for the first time.
There are so many mixed emotions with this pregnancy but when I think of meeting him for the first time everything else just seems to fade away. I miss Makenzie. I miss her more and more everyday and honestly have hurt more in the past few weeks than I have in a long long time. I ache feeling like she should be her. Wishing that having our second child felt like we were having our second child and not our first again. I imagine what Makenzie would think about her mums growing belly and all the talk about a little brother. I think about what she would be saying and what our days would be consumed with. I miss my little girl. and I wish I didn't have to wait so long to see her again. I miss her. and as much as I am anxious to be a mom again, this little boy wont be my Makenzie. I accept that. I am fine with that. I am happy about that. I want him. I want every piece of who he is going to be. Its such a hard battle between the 2 sides. I think when he gets here it a lot of my anxiety and mixed emotions will calm. I think ill understand things better and many of them might go away.
I am so happy for this opportunity to have a son. I am so thankful Ryan and I are able to do this together. My life will be open to a whole new level of happiness and love and I simply cant wait.

Onto T's room.
Have I told you my vision? I cant remember... Well I seriously had his whole room figured out. I had fabric samples, paint done and a diagram of what will go where and what we still needed to get. It was going to be a masculine version of a shabby chic room. Can you imagine it? Grey, White, Lime Green and a little bit of Black. Oh it was going to be perfect.
Well I guess I should have taken Ryans... "I really don't care what you do" not so literal.
So far everything I have purchased for the room has been returned. Its all to girly for Ryan.
He has somehow convinced me that we need deer antlers, elk pictures and some kind of western theme in there. WHAT?! This is not the image I had envisioned. I want a calm relaxing room that isn't baby-ish. Now his room is starting to turn into Ryans man cave. I would put up more of a fight but I am honestly happy he wants to be apart of it and is taking such an interest in every single thing that happens in that room. as well as what that kid will wear. Its rather funny if you ask me. So now my whole vision is changing and my search for the perfect items is continuing. Talk about too much time on etsy! I hope I can figure out the decor and make it something we are both happy with.
oh and did I mention we are working with a budget of slim to none. ha. It really is an intense mission I am on :)

Sunday, May 6, 2012

21 Weeks

How far along? 21 Weeks
Maternity clothes? A few items but I mainly wear my regular jeans with a bella band or hair tie.
Stretch marks? Nada.
Best moment this week: Getting a very special present! I am seriously so emotional and excited about this. Ryans aunt Carma made this super cute polka dot blanket and gave it to me at one of Makenzies showers. I am sure you have seen this blanket- its THE blanket. Without trying she became obsessed with it. I tried to find another that was the same fabric so we had a back up but she was never happy without that polka dot blanket totally wrapped around her neck (loosely). It was the best healer when she was in the hospital. Nothing calmed her down like that blanket. She always had an arm wrapped around it. Its now become the thing I cant sleep let alone live without. I love that thing and have to admit its become a little discolored because of my extensive use but whatev. So I wanted to ask Ryans aunt to make baby T one since the last one was so special and such a huge part of our lives. I wanted baby T and Kenzie to have that connection from their Great Aunt. Well without asking this lady totally made and sent one! Seriously I just want to die. Its the cutest blue and brown and monkey blanket. Its so soft and I am already wanting to snuggle with it before baby T gets here. but I wont. Ill save it for him.
Miss Anything? Sushi. I want me some raw fish. Really really bad.
Movement: Yes.. Yes.. Yes.. He is a wild one sometimes but I have yet to feel him on the outside. and when Ryan puts his hand on my tummy he stops moving completely. Ryan thinks its because he doesn't like him- I think its because he is happy his Dad is close.
Food Cravings: Green Apples again... and CREAMIES. I could eat a case of those things. I may or may not have had 3 creamies for lunch yesterday.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Getting stuck under the stairs in the crawl space and squishing baby T. It was frightening. I was putting stuff away and somehow got logged between a few boxes in a bent over position. I couldn't move and my legs were straddling another box. I hurt myself trying to claw my way out. I am all cut up and my back is killing me. I worried I might birth this child under there. and it made me almost puke.
Gender: BOY!
Labor Signs: No
Symptoms: Still having a lot of back pain. My legs will go numb out of no where and then I wont be able to hold my body up and I crumble to the floor. My doc said its my sciatic nerve and if it doesn't get better ill need physical therapy. sooo I am just trying to take it a little easier when I start hurting.
Belly Button in or out? Umm my belly button is starting to have an end and that is so weird and kinda scares me. My button hardly changed with Makenzie so this is totally new. I think its because T is sitting really low so he must be shoving his arm through the hole. Makenzie was all about my ribs. I am not sure which is better. Honestly I am sick of pee'ing every time I cough, sneeze or breathe heavy.
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: So very emotional. Geesh. I am so happy and so afraid all at once. The tears are just about as often as the pee. Its really a messy situation over here.
Looking forward to: Getting more things done in his room. Its already starting to be a nice fresh place. Relaxing and kind of an area of new beginnings. The rest of our house is one giant Makenzie shrine and I know his room will have much of her in there as well but its nice to have a place that is his.

Thanks for your kind words in my past few posts. You can probably tell I don't make much sense, I am all over emotionally and its probably best to just ignore me. I am glad I wrote the last post because after I did that I couldn't stop thinking about how silly I sounded the rest of the day and it helped me sort out so many things. I am scared to pieces about what is to come with baby T but who isn't. When you are having your first, second, third, tenth... Its just scary. Its a life. Its the most important life. That is a lot of responsibility and that is a lot of your heart you are putting into someone else. Ryan and I thank God everyday- several times a day- for both Makenzie and T. We know how incredibly blessed we are to have them apart of our life. Apart of our journey and we wouldn't change them for anything. Our life with Makenzie was the best part of life so far. Baby T has some big shoes to fill- and I'm sure he will do fine filling them. We are nervous, happy, scared, anxious, worried and a million other emotions when it comes to this next step in life. We are so ready though. For whatever happens. We are a family. We are a team. and we will live through it together.

.... on another note I need to ask some advice. Ryan and I are pretty much set on this baby name. We got out our baby name book and seriously went over all 100,000 names and nothing was even a contender to this one. BUT its really different. Its not listed in any name book or online anywhere. Whenever I mention the name to anyone they have to say it like 5 times before they get what the name is. Once they say it enough they usually like it because it totally sounds like Ryan. I love it but I'm not totally convinced that is his name. BUT I was never totally convinced Makenzies name was her name until well after we got her home from the hospital. I am just so anxious about the RIGHT name. I know they will end up fitting any name we choose but some names can kind of shape your future more than others. I mean I don't know of any doctors named Sparkle. Not that Sparkle wouldn't fit someone but its a weird name for a doctor. Dr. Sparkle. I dunno so I am trying to make sure no matter what he chooses to do in life his name can go with it.
Doctor, Lawyer, Chef, Car sales man, Gas station attendant, Computer nerd, Mechanic, Plumber, Farmer, CEO or Steel worker.  I don't want his name to completely steer him in a certain direction.
So my question for you--- What is your thoughts on a name that is different? A name that isn't even listed in any name dictionary. A name that doesn't yet have a meaning. A name that people have to say a few times to really understand? I am not saying this will change our minds but I just wanted to see what others thought.
Thank you.

PS. If you haven't noticed I started listing some of my crafts on Etsy. I put a link at the top of my blog. I will keep adding stuff as there is much I craft. Hopefully its something some people might like :)

Friday, May 4, 2012

a wee bit controlling?

When we found out baby T was infact a boy and I started looking for things for not only him to wear but to put in his room, different fabrics for blankets, etc. It has proven to be a bit of a challenge so far. With this little man I want things simple and different. I am not really into all the characters and shirts with words on them. I think they are so cute and love them on every other kid but I just not for T. I love anything that looks like its one of a kind, has stripes or is grey. If you can combine all of those into 1- I seriously will scratch your eyes out to get my hands on it.
In my attempts at finding T the best wardrobe, decor and accessories I have stumbled upon some amazing finds but they are very limited. He has a couple things in his closet already but most were gifts or hand me downs. What I have personally purchased will last him an afternoon of spit up's and blow outs.
I have been to seriously tons of stores/boutiques all around Utah... I have spent the majority of my time online searching. I have bought a few things and honestly returned 75% of what I have purchased for him already. I get it and just don't love it so I send it back. I have no idea what my issue is. Everything for him has to be perfect. It has to be something I LOVE and not just like. His room is so important to me and I have no idea why I am so controlling about everything in it. EVERYTHING.
I have even gone as far as going through all of the children's books we have and taking several out because I just don't want to read those ones to T.
I am not sure if I am like this because its really the only control I have over him. I don't know. I am getting a bit frustrated and really overwhelmed. I mean there is no way I can control that much. There is no reason for me to control it. Its silly. and I know that.
The only thing that is steering me away from being 100% all over his stuff is Ryan. I honestly want him to love his room and his clothes and his books and his... whatever...
So I am really controlling about making sure Ryan loves everything as well. There are a few things that have gone into his closet and his room that I don't LOVE. shocking! but Ryan loves them so I am fine with it. Our styles are so different and what we love is so different. If Ryan was able to have totally control over T's room it would be painted camo, with camo bedding, with deer antlers hanging in every inch of the wall, with some dead animal on the floor and a closet of only camo and cowboy boots.
I love Ryan and want him to be apart of it all but that's a little to much for me. I don't want to scare my son. So we are settling with antlers in his room, lots of camo in his closet and the knowledge that this boy will always own a pair of cowboy boots. He already has his first pair. and honestly I love them. They are so cute.

When I step back from all of this I get frustrated with myself because me of all people understands that everything in that room and in that closet are so NOT important. They mean nothing. They are just things and will never define who our son will be or the amount of love we have for him.
Packing up box after box after box of all the things Makenzie never used, never touched, never grew into, never care about... I know all that shit is just that--- shit. Its nice and some things are necessary but most are not. He could sleep in my dresser drawer and be just as happy.
So knowing all of this why is it so hard for me to let go?
Why cant I just chill and enjoy it?
I refuse to buy anything that is bigger than 3-6 months. I honestly wouldn't have even purchased anything that big but a cute outfit was on sale so I got it in the last size they had which was 3-6 M. Everything else I have bought is either newborn or 0-3. My mind cant even go past that. Thinking he will grow bigger than that. I cant even get my mind to go there. It almost feels like an impossible accomplishment. Whenever I tell Ryan this he agrees with me and then says-- well that is all we know.
It breaks my heart that his mind goes there to. I wish I could be the only crazy one and he could just live in a life of bliss where you get to raise all of your children and you never worry about them leaving you before you leave them. I wish I didn't know that either but I wish he didn't more.

I want to let go. I need to let go. I cant control this.
I wish I knew how to do that. Just do it. Just stop. Just walk away. Just live.
I tell myself these things over and over and without even thinking about it my mind goes back to the controlling--- no that cant happen--- no he cant wear that--- no that cant go in his room--- no one can step foot in his room--- that's his, only he can sit there, only he can use that. and it becomes an obsession. I have to protect that. My mind will focus on that thing and that thing only because that is T's.
I feel like I did when Makenzie first died. I became obsessed with every single thing of hers. I didn't even want people to look at certain things because it wasn't for their eyes. I feel like I am doing the same thing but in reverse. I am obsessing over T's things before he even gets here. Things he has yet touch or see or feel. Everything has to be protected and preserved for him.

Jesus Christ I am a little lot messed up.
Sometimes just writing things out and seeing how ridiculous I am being helps. I am hoping it does this time because man alive I need to get a grip. I have the logic in my head and for some reason cant actually do it. I guess its good I can at least realize my craziness and now I just need to learn how to get over it.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

half way...

Since my doctor moved up my due date by 4 days I am officially over the half way mark. As happy and excited as I am to be that much closer to meeting baby T I am feeling 10x more fear. I am scared to death. I am scared for what is to come. I want to just be happy and anxious and ready but I am so terrified. I am scared of what kind of mom I will be, what kind of wife I will be, what kind of life we will have, how long ill get to keep him, what will change, what will stay the same, what issues will arise. I am sure many of these things are normal. I mean I remember feeling so many of these things with Makenzie but she was my first. I am not a first time mom anymore yet I feel like I am. The biggest change from my fears with Makenzie and my fears with this baby is with this baby I am honestly not worried about loving him. I worried so much with Makenzie about loving her enough. With this baby- I cant even believe how much I love him already. I remember that feeling when you meet your child for the first time and the incredible feeling you get. I don't have any doubts that will happen again. and I guess that is nice to not have to worry about but the worries I  have now I think surpass that fear- with Makenzie I never worried about how long her life would be. I never worried about ways she could die. That just wasn't a possibility. and with this one. That is all I think about. I am trying to find a balance between being proactive in keeping him safe from things like the blinds cord or electrical outlets and then going insane seeing everything as a death trap for him and pretty much doing everything but build him a bubble to live in. There are so many things out there and so many experts have all these opinions on everything. I find myself going crazy trying to know what is the things I should get and what is really unnecessary.
but then realize no matter what I do- I cant stop everything.
There was no safety product I could have bought to keep my Makenzie alive.
Then I completely lose it. everything is so unknown. nothing is certain. there is no control.
I am praying everyday for this child's life. So we can have a life with him. So we can raise him. So he will see us go before we see him go. We just cant do it again.
I cant plan another funeral for my child.
I want to be excited. I want to be full of happiness for the life I will have with him. I want to stay positive and just thank God for however long he will give me but right now I just cant accept anything less than forever. I am scared to get excited for the future because I don't want to get my hopes up. I had so much planned for Makenzies life. I had toys and clothes that would last her until she was 3 or 4. Packing up 6 huge bins of girl things that she never got to have. Seeing this life Ryan and I imagined having with her. Knowing it ended so soon. I don't want to buy much of anything for baby T. I don't want to plan. So far his life has been mapped out on Makenzies timeline. I thought it will be nice to have him here on Christmas, we will have fun. and then I look a little more into the future and cant imagine a life with him past February. Makenzie never made it that far. Will this baby?
I should just have faith. I should just be thankful for any amount of time God gives us with our son. I should be doing a lot of things but I cant. I don't want to see an end. I don't want to have the beginning and an end of a lifetime with him. There is nothing I can do. There is nothing that will guarantee anything. So why cant I just let go? Why cant I just accept that? Why am I fighting it so much?
I hate when fear takes over.
I hate that I know this fear.
I hate that she isn't here.
I miss my daughter.
I want to be a mother of 2.
2 babies that are both here.


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