Wednesday, June 27, 2012

I need to get ready

Things have been rather chaotic around our area.

There are lots of new opportunities, lots of new adventures, lots of stuff happening.
Something’s are exciting. Something’s are just life. Something’s are terrifying.
I feel like things are always crazy in our home and I honestly would love to slow down a little and just have things be boring. Routine. I should be thankful that life is keeping me on my toes but I guess its one of those things that when you have it you don’t really want it and when you don’t have it you do want it.
I am thanking God everyday for our life though and for the things we have to look forward to.
Getting closer to this little boy coming is both exciting and very scary.
I keep telling myself things will be good and fall into place the moment he arrives. and when I say things-- I mean the emotional things. The whole part about us being parents again is keeping me up at night.

Its been hard when people ask if this is my first or second. I always respond with our second. We have a girl and now having a boy. They get so excited for us and start asking question after question about if our girl is excited and ready and that we must be pro's at the whole parenting thing now and that #2 isn’t that bad. There is some advice given but mainly people just assuming we are already in the routine of family life and this will be a piece of cake. Working at a baby store I have only told people my baby isn’t still alive to maybe 2 people.
I have gotten pretty good at knowing how to answer questions when people ask about my kid/s. I have been able to come up with some good answers to a fictitious life that I only dream about.
I’m sure many of us at some point in our lives have looked at another and kind of envied what they have.
I have found myself guilty of that more in the past couple years than ever. I am doing better at just being thankful for what I have and being grateful for the unique life we live but it can be hard. It can make for frustrating days when everything seems to be going wrong and everything’s going right with someone else. Which we all know is not accurate. We all are living with different issues and no one has it perfect.
but we like to imagine someone does right.

Anyway... back to what I was talking about... We only have 1 trimester left until this little boy will be in our house. Such a short amount of time until life will change. Such a short amount of time to get ready for him. Such a short amount of time to prepare for my heart to grow. I have been missing Makenzie so much. Missing that short life we had with her. I pray we get much more time with baby T. I pray we don’t ever have to say goodbye to him. I pray I never have to know what its like to hold my child’s lifeless body again.
I am so anxious for our family to begin as a family of 4. I am so anxious to have a son.
I want to be a Mom.

I know life is always changing and for us it might never slow down. We might always feel like things are making a complete 180 change every week but I know that no matter what I have everything I need. I am thankful for a healthy pregnancy. I am thankful God is allowing me to carry this baby and that he is giving me a chance to be a parent again.

I might be having issues with depression and this weird separation anxiety from Ryan and all the other little complaints about pregnancy but I am honestly so thankful for my life. I am so thankful for the time I had with Makenzie. I wish more than anything she was here. I wish I could have held onto her for a while longer but I am now finding myself just thanking God for taking care of her. For keeping her smiling and for helping her understand how much her mom and dad miss her. I am thankful for this little life we get to welcome into our home. I am scared about being a Mom again. I am scared about his little life and I am scared about all the regular responsibilities that come with kids but I can’t be more thankful for getting this new start.

When it comes to preparing for him. I am letting things fall through the cracks. I want to get stuff done. I want to get his room all ready and set up. I need to get a pediatrician picked out. I want to read up on all those books that are going to help me get him on the same routine we did with Makenzie. but I have no will to do it. I have every intention to. I have gone to the hardware store I have to say a dozen times and have yet to make purchases. I carry that book around with me but have yet to open it up. I have a list of numbers to call to interview pediatricians but have never made the call. When I think about what we will do when he gets here I honestly freak. I have no clue. I feel like we are doing this for the first time. Except without the over eager excitement. I am so excited to have him in my arms but I am terrified of everything else. I haven’t quite figured it all out and why I am putting everything off. I find other things to keep myself busy and just don’t do those things that honestly stress me out having undone. I feel like i'm always stressed because I can’t stop thinking about what needs to be done but then I stress even more when I start to do it. What the hell is happening?! I think about where I was with Makenzie at this time. What we had done and what I have done now. hmmm... totally different. We painted his room and I did get his dresser painted BUT no hardware put on it. and that’s it. There are still piles in his room, no decor, no newborn diapers, no thermometers, no diaper bag packed, no wipes... We do have a pair of cowboy boots so we are ready in that aspect! I guess we have the necessities in Ryan’s mind :)
I know we still have time. We have over 2 months. but what scares me more than not having things done is just how undesirable everything is to me. I don’t want to be in a slump when he comes. I don’t want to be sad. so that is what I am trying my hardest to figure out and change.
I remember with Makenzie having those baby blues before she came. I kept reading online that sometimes the post pardon stuff actually can start before the baby even gets here. I was so worried about how I would be once she arrived and other than 1 breakdown I was pretty good after she came. We stayed busy together, we were happy and I had a great support system. I am kind of hoping this is just the same type of thing. That when he gets here things can just simmer down a bit emotionally. That I can just take every minute with him and enjoy it. That I can soak it all in. That I wont be wishing time would speed up.
Every minute he gives me of his life will be a blessing and I just hope I can live up to being the mom he deserves.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

28 Weeks

How far along? 28 Weeks
Maternity clothes? Yes.
Best moment this week: Oh this week has been crazy busy. The best moment was any moment I was home with Ryan.
Not so good moment of the week: Man its getting really uncomfortable over here. Sleepless nights not only because I am consistently in the bathroom but Ryan and I have been so sick and just cant breathe when we lay down.
Miss Anything? Being able to sit comfortably. Sleeping. and taking cold meds when I dont feel good.
Movement: This boy likes to wake me up at night. HOLY COW. Ryan keeps saying we are in trouble. He doesn't move much all day but at night goes crazy. He is so funny because he moves lots more if I have a blanket over me and as soon as I try to lift it up and watch him move he stops. If I put my hand on my tummy he stops. He doesn't like much attention apparently.
Food Cravings: Milk.
Anything making you queasy or sick: I haven't been feeling queasy sick but my appetite has gone out the window. I am hardly hungry and when I am nothing sounds good.
Gender: BOY. 
Symptoms: Does outgrowing clothes at a rapid pace count as a symptom?
Emotions: Emotions are all over the place. Anxiety is at an all time high. I am usually crying and I keep myself up at night with all the worrys in life.
Looking forward to: Doctors appointment. Its the lovely glucose test this week.
and making it to the final trimester.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

a bit off

I have no idea if its the pregnancy. If its depression. or what is going on but somewhere along the lines I have developed this overwhelming anxiety to be away from Ryan. and that's even being away for a normal days work. I start to breathe heavy, I cant sleep, I seriously have a daily panic attack thinking we will be apart for 10-13 hours. Its crippling because once he leaves I go into this super heavy, cant really move around, kind of state. It takes a good amount of time for me to get going. If I am working I am usually late because I honestly cant get going. If I don't work It takes hours for me to just get ready and get the house picked up. I have tried to get in a morning routine in. Work out, get ready, a good breakfast, get going for the day.. etc... but no matter what I do it seems like I am moving at a snails speed and the clock is just racing. I cant think of anything but when will Ryan and I be home. I have been obsessed with trying to figure out what I would do if something happened to him. What would happen to the baby. I have had horrible thoughts and I get so upset with myself. I usually end up crying hysterically several times a day because I hate feeling like this. I hate having these thoughts and I just want them to go away.
Ryan tries his best to understand but seriously who can understand a crazy person.
I know many of my thoughts and emotions are totally unnecessary and unrealistic.
I try to talk myself down and I try to get a better hold on whats really going.
and I don't know.
I feel like a child.
I feel like I am a crazy girl who has a weird obsession with a guy.
I am a bit embarrassed.
When I am with Ryan I honestly have to be right there.
Like, not giving him an inch of space. and if you know Ryan you know this annoys him. He is not a cuddler and needs his space. He has been very patient with me and wanting to help but I know this is out of control.
What am I scared of?
I am scared something will happen to Ryan.
I am absolutely terrified that something will happen and I wont have him anymore.
I keep thinking, I need to get pictures of him doing this or that. I need to record the sound of his voice. I need to remember what he smells like, what he feels like. I am acting like I was just told he only has a week to live. This has slowly been getting worse and worse over the last few months.

I don't know why this is coming on now. I don't know what has changed.
A few weeks ago we signed up for life insurance. (yes big step in the world of adulthood)
The whole process has seriously made these fears sky rocket.
I remember in November of 2009. Makenzie was having issues but it was something we thought she was going to grow out of. I was signing up for my benefits at work for the next year. My job at the time offered life insurance for you, your spouse and your child. I remember looking at that page and thought how unnecessary it was. Obviously I didn't get it, how important it is to protect both my child and my spouse in case something happens but at that time... nothing like that would ever happen. I remember clicking NO for Makenzie. Thinking that would be a waste of money.
How was it that just a month later she was gone?
Lately I am just fearing that something will happen. To Ryan or to this baby.
Last night I couldn't sleep. I have been really sick and couldn't breathe so I had to sit up and catch my breath. I looked over at Ryan and fell apart. I just kept praying over and over for God to please never take him away from me. That I cant imagine a day without him in my life and I just couldn't continue without him by my side. I watched his back go up and down as he was breathing and just kept saying how I needed to remember this. That I cant forget what he felt like. I worked myself up into such a tizzy that I couldn't control my silent tears anymore and shoved my face into my pillow and just begged God and Makenzie to not ever make me live in this world without Ryan. I hate that I had to let Makenzie go and that I just cant have him leave me too. I fell asleep again sometime after that and woke up just feeling so off. I hate this feeling. I hate fearing that the most important people in my life are going to die. I can only imagine how I will feel when T is born. and it scares me to love him that much. It scares me to hold him and to kiss him and to fall completely head over heels for him. and I know I will. There is no way I can stop that. What happens when you see your child for the first time really is out of this world and I know once I lay eyes on him there is no turning back and that scares the shit out of me.

I know we all have fears and even before losing Makenzie I always had the fear of something happening to her or Ryan but it was always just that, a fear. Something I would worry about but something that most likely would never happen. I know this fear wont go away completely but I need to be able to function in life... good heavens... Its really not okay to be this upset because we have to go to work.
Its always so frustrating when you can logically see how you are being silly but you still feel it.

Monday, June 18, 2012

Fathers Day

I honestly don't know how I got so lucky to marry this man and be able to have him as the father of my children. He is the very best thing to ever come into my life and I couldn't imagine a day without him. 
Makenzie adored her Dad. He could always get her to smile and he was the only one who could ever make her laugh. He would do anything for her. Now that we are nearing the end of this pregnancy and we will be jumping into the world of parenthood in less than 3 months I can feel the excitement oozing from him. He cant wait to meet his son. This man has been through more than most.
He is so incredible and I learn from him everyday.
He has the very best heart and would do anything for the ones he loves.
He deserves all the happiness in the world and I cant wait until he gets to be called a Dad again.
This will be the last Fathers day he will have to spend without a child.
I cant wait for that day.

We are so lucky to have him. 
Makenzie and baby T are the luckiest kids in the world.

We spent the morning visiting with our friends and I made Ryans favorite breakfast. Ryan has been feeling sick so he spent the rest of the day sleeping. That evening we had an amazing dinner at Ryans parents and came home to relax and go to bed early so hopefully Ryan can feel better. All that boy has been wanting for years is a camo cowboy hat. and I have held off for as long as possible before making such a purchase. I mean a camo cowboy hat? but I figured he had waited long enough and that boy deserved that hat. It took some serious effort to find the perfect one and one that was his size. Apparently they are not in high demand. weird. but I found that perfect one and I honestly wish I would have taken his picture when he opened it. He doesn't show much emotion when it comes to gifts but the smile he had was perfect. He really was so excited and cant wait to wear it. So what if I think its kind of weird and not really my style. My Ryan was happy and I will be happy even if it never takes it off the rest of his life, just as long as he is happy.


and we cant go without saying how incredible Ryan's Dad is.
These 2 are one in the same.
I know Randy, Ryan and TK will have an amazing relationship.
They cant wait until he is here. 
First step- be born
Second step- learn to shoot a bow.
That's how its been done for generations :)
Randy is such an incredible example of a Fathers love and I never understood what that meant until I met him. He adores his kids and his grand babies even more.
He is always there and would do anything for all of them.
I am so thankful to have him in our lives and I know Ryan wouldn't know what to do without him.
He is the very best Papa anyone could ask for.
Makenzie was kind of obsessed with his mustache.

Happy Happy Fathers Day to all the Fathers out there!

weekend visitors

We had a great weekend with great company.
Its been far to long since we got to see these little loves.
Ryland has yet to warm up to us other than watching us from afar, Rylee is my snuggle bug 
and Keelie loves everyone.
We swam everyday, ate amazing food, wondered around the farmers market, admired the amazing chalk art downtown, played in the toy room, played outside, played in the front room, played in the kitchen, played on the stairs, went out for frozen yogurt and stayed up late.
Sunday morning came way to fast and our stay-cation was over.

Its a good thing we already have our next visit planned. July is full of birthdays between our families.
Their Ryker and our Makenzie were born just 4 days apart.
We find it fitting that since our babies will be celebrating their birthdays together in heaven we will celebrate their birthdays together here.
I cant believe in a month we will both have 3 year olds.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

27 Weeks

How far along? 27 Weeks
Maternity clothes? Yes.
Best moment this week: Visits from friends and getting the fabric for baby T's room. and celebrating the best Daddy I know on Fathers Day.
Not so good moment of the week: Not being able to sit anywhere comfortably. He is sitting so low.
Miss Anything? Being comfortable.
Movement: He moves the most when I lay on my side. He starts going crazy in there.
Food Cravings: My milk craving is back. I cant drink enough.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Not this week.
Gender: BOY. 
Symptoms: My back has been doing much better and I think that is because we have been swimming a lot more and I am walking more. The contractions are better. My only complaints right now is the feeling I cant breathe and my tummy feeling rather uncomfortable all the time.
Emotions: My emotions have been in check a bit more this week. I am crying my eyes out everyday for one reason or another.
Looking forward to: The next time we go swimming. Oh it seriously makes my whole body feel better.

This week overall has been much better pregnancy wise. Not sure whats changed. We have been crazy busy so that might help but I feel better in just about every aspect. I am nearing the end of the second trimester and getting close to end. I am super anxious with both happiness and fear. I cant wait to hold this little boy. I have longed to be a Mom my entire life and to have that slip away so soon after it began has really been hard. This little boy will never take the place of Makenzie and she will forever be a missing link in our family but TK is going to bring so much joy into our world. Our son is going to have a whole different kind of love from Ryan and I. He is going to experience a life with us that Makenzie never would have been able to have because it took losing her for us to get it. Ryan is so anxious to have a little boy. He asks how he is doing everyday and is always so concerned about him. He is the very best Dad and I cant wait until we gets to experience this whole parenting thing again.

Monday, June 11, 2012

26 Weeks

How far along? 26 Weeks
Maternity clothes? Yes but my favorite piece is leggings and they are not maternity.
Best moment this week: Our weekend getaway with the family and hearing Ryan's dreams about this baby. I find it so strange that I am 26 weeks pregnant and have yet to dream of him. Not even 1 little dream. but not Ryan. The roles have switched. Although the other day he dreamed about him being born the size of a 2 year old with creepy teeth and some hell-ian child.
Not so good moment of the week: Starting to doubt the name for this baby. Ryan is making his name to hang on his wall and I was getting the measurements and everything for it when I started having a panic attack. I hear that name and picture him. but all the sudden it sounds weird when I say it. It just doesn't sound right. I had the same issue with Makenzie and what kind of fixed that was changing the spelling. We were originally going to spell her name Mckenzie. and we even did some things with that name to put in her room but literally a couple weeks before she was born we changed it. Mckenzie was not her name. Even though we just changed the spelling it changed how I felt about her name completely. The only thing about this baby's name is we really cant change the spelling or it will change his name. It will spell a different word and we will be calling him something different than that word and I don't like that. So right now we are both freaking out a little. Ryan is not even interested in floating around other ideas. T.... is his sons name. I have no other names I even like and I have been through my 100,000 baby name book a few times and nothing else is even an option.
Miss Anything? Sleep.
Movement: All the time. He is so active and I love it but honestly it hurts. His movements have been feeling more like he is physically assaulting me more than him moving around. and he particularly loves my bladder It must be rather squishy and he uses it as some kind of toy.
I have to note on Saturday I started getting really freaked out because I didn't feel him move all day. I cried several times throughout the day and finally told Ryan. I didn't want to say anything because I felt like I was being a bit dramatic but I was seriously freaking out. I kept thinking about what we would do if something happened to this baby. I drank a ton of water and took a hot shower before bed and finally about an hour after I laid down he started going crazy. I cant even say how much of relief that was. and since then he is all over the place. I kept telling him on Saturday that I will never care how much he moves or hurts me ever again as long as he just moves now. and its true. I will be even that much more grateful for every little movement he makes because it reminds me he is okay.
Food Cravings: Snow cones.
Anything making you queasy or sick: I haven't been sick but all the sudden I am extremely picky about food. If it even has a hint of smell that I don't like I cant eat it. I don't get sick I just cant eat it. The past week I have spent far to long just staring at things in my cupboards and fridge and I cant bring myself to eating any of it. The only thing I could eat all the time is snow cones.
Gender: BOY.
Symptoms: Back is hurting again, contractions, little energy, super emotional and quite uncomfortable sleeping.
Emotions: Very emotional. I cried watching Will and Grace a few days ago. at a part that was not sad. I have been having some serious anxiety about this baby and if he will be okay. I feel like I'm back to those earlier stages of not even being able think of a life with him. It just seems impossible. but then it also seems impossible that God would take him from me. Its all very confusing.
Looking forward to: Snow cones, Fathers day next week, play dates with some friends, cabin trip planned and swimming.


First camping trip of 2012 was a lot of fun. Our plan was to spend a weekend sitting by the lake, getting some sun, stuffing our faces with mallows, fishing and just enjoy doing a lot of nothing.
Of course things don't always work out exactly how you plan.
Friday before we even left for the lake I went to my pool for a wee bit and burnt my ass off. Seriously. I don't think I have ever been so burnt. My legs ached because of how swollen they got. I was a bit worried to sit out in the sun the rest of the weekend but I shouldn't have worried too much and simply just looked at the weather forecast. It was chilly. Not even warm enough to put your tootsies in the water. and dogs were not allowed so all of our swimming fun went out the window. Its probably a blessing in disguise because I don't think I could have handled a moment in the sun. I packed Ryan and I for warm lake weather but like I said I didn't think to look at the forecast and so we were freezing most of the time. Thanks Becky for loaning me some pants one night. Seriously who only packs tank tops, shorts, swim suits and flip flops for a weekend camping? Did I think I was going to a California beach? Did I not forget I am still in the mountains and maybe a pair of jeans and some tennis shoes would have been useful?
oh well.
So our warm lake planned weekend didn't turn out but we had a great time none the less. We had lots of good food, we went on walks, were attacked by a wild cotton tree that almost took us all out allergy wise, the mosquitoes were at war with most of us, we talked a lot, we went and cheered Randy and Shaun (Ryans Daddo and BIL) as they finished the Tour de Cure Saturday afternoon, we walked down by the lake for about 30 seconds there before we were blown away, we roasted mallows, cooked with the dutch oven, ate tin foil dinners, played with the baby, played with Addison, chopped wood, made a few trips down the road to the gas station to fill up our drinks and did our best to stay warm. 
On Sunday morning we realized we didn't have to check out of our stop until much later than we planned so the boys loaded up their fishing gear and headed to the lake since the sun was out and it was much warmer. Ryan has been wanting to fish for quite a while so he was happy as can be.
It was fun to be with family. It was fun to have a little time away from the everyday routine. 
and we definitely cant wait to go out again.

Poor Harley had a rough time. She was somewhat happy but between the cold, her horrible horrible allergies and being eaten alive by some kind of bug she was more ready to be home than anyone else.
We did our best to keep her bundled and by the fire but this girl is such a wimp. We laugh at how pathetic she can get. After a bath, overdosing her with benadryl and a warm bed she is recovering slowly. 

You can see in this picture some of the bumps on her head. Seriously they are covering her body. I have been quite a bit worried but her vet assured me that she is fine and to just keep an eye on her.
I have to say its rather sad when her vet pretty much knows my number by heart because I'm consistently calling about something. I fear for baby T's pediatrician.

Its always so nice to come home. I cant say how amazing a shower after camping is. I think one of the best feelings ever. Call me crazy but its true in my book. Ryan and I didn't sleep hardly at all either night so we were exhausted and not feeling well by the time we got home. We slept most of the evening and then woke up long enough to drag our butts to bed.
Oh how I love my bed.
Cant wait to go out again.


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