Thursday, March 29, 2012


I love making videos of Makenzie. Makes it seem like there is something new to watch even though its the same videos over and over. I have made so many but they are all far to long to post on here or youtube so they sit on my computer and I watch them again and again. I made one a couple weeks ago that was all videos and no pictures. It made it so it was a bit shorter so I was able to upload it. I hope it works right. I am not very good at all the technical stuff. I love both of the songs I used and they always make me imagine her. I wish I had more videos. I wish I recorded everything. I guess that's what happens when you think you have a lifetime with someone. You always think there is tomorrow.
I fear our video camera will never be turned off when this new little one gets here.

Incase you cant play it. The youtube link is 

15 Weeks

How far along? 15 Weeks
Maternity clothes? My goal was to not wear a single maternity anything until 15 weeks and I honestly didn't need any so far. Is you can tell I am definitely growing but I could still do up my jeans and shirts fit just fine- other than showing off what others will think is my lovely muffin top. However just 2 days ago I woke up and my pants all the sudden wouldn't button. Just like that. Overnight. So I am officially wearing the hair-tie around the button of my pants.
Stretch marks? No
Sleep: If I am asleep I am sound asleep but I have been waking up around 1:00am almost every other night and not being able to go back to sleep.
Miss Anything? I am craving cookie dough. Not the kind you can make that wont poison you but the kind with raw eggs in it. Yeah I'm resisting, barley.
Movement: Every so often I think Ill feel the baby move but I am not sure yet.
Food cravings: Milk.
Gender: Ryan and I are officially in the middle. We were so certain before now but for some reason we are both now thinking it could be the opposite of what we have thought all along. So we have no idea. The unknown is driving us mad. We are so set on 2 names. 1 for a girl and 1 for a boy and we are just anxious to know what we can actually call this little one.
Labor Signs: No but I have been having really weird cramps. Agh. They hurt.
Symptoms: I wonder if this will seriously keep changing every week. It seems something new comes up and when I look it up online its normal when pregnant. I have been waking up pretty regularly with bloody noses and this entire week I have been having a major headache that lasts all evening. Its so bad I cant do anything but lay down and push on my temples. again apparently these are all normal when pregnant.
Belly Button in or out? In.
Wedding rings on or off? On.
Happy or Moody most of the time: This week I have been sooo happy. Thinking about this little person. Thinking about Makenzie. Thinking about Ryan. I am trying to remember how simple life is and how all those hard decisions really are just second to my family. and my energy has been back some days so its always nice to be able to do things.
Looking forward to: Finding out the sex of the baby!!!!

Okay friends... We have been debating when to find out the sex of the baby. At first we said right at 15 weeks we are going in and finding out what we are having. Then we said well lets save some money and just wait until our 20 week ultrasound. and now we are both just so anxious to find out that I am not sure if we will make it 5 more weeks. If you know nothing else about me know I am absolutely the most impatient person in the world. I cant wait for anything. I am not a huge fan of surprises and I just want everything asap. So having the option to know what we are having but waiting is taking every last bit of energy out of me. We will see how long we wait. I'm not putting any bets on a time frame. We will just take it one day at a time I guess. BUT I am so anxious to know what you think. Is it a BOY or a GIRL?
I am doing a giveaway for a special person. Just leave a comment with your guess and when we find out ill draw a name of someone who guess right and you will get a wonderful gift!!! Who doesn't love free stuff?
So do you want to know what you will win?

A super cute Pillowcase dress! Okay so I know not everyone has a girl but you can always gift it to someone. The material isn't the same as what is pictured above. It will be a surprise but I promise it will be darling. I hope everyone has a wonderful week and good luck guessing...
BOY or GIRL?!!

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Getting Used to it.

I think when anything traumatic in life happens or something that is life altering you go through all the regular stages of trying to accept what is now. Sometimes you go through those stages over and over for years or even the rest of your life. Sometimes you find yourself in a better place, sometimes not. I look back at my life with Makenzie. My life when she was healthy and home. The good we had. Then I think about when she was sick. I think about how scary things were and how everyday was so unknown. I think about being in that hospital room with her every second just waiting. Waiting for answers. Waiting to go home. Waiting for the end. I think about the day she died. I think about watching that clock. Wishing it would just slow down. Wishing I could just take her home and have our last day be better than sitting in a dark room trying to keep my sick little girl comfortable. I think about holding her body as it went limp. Knowing this was now my life. Life without her. Life with a child in heaven. I was now going to be one of those sad people. One of those people who would break my heart every time I heard their story. One of those people that I always wished I could say something to that would help them feel better but never knew what to say so I would avoid them. That was now my life. I think about the days after. That morning after was absolutely painful. I screamed. I cried harder than I had cried my entire life up until that point. I laid in my husbands arms thinking of my baby's cold body at the morgue. I think about picking out the casket, the flowers, the program, the tomb, the songs, the lunch-in. I think about picking out her headstone. I think about all those days after she died. I think about how life suddenly became a routine. A series of events repeated over and over in order to simply survive. I think about those moments Ryan would find me. Hiding in a corner buried in Makenzies clothes. Laying on the floor in the middle of her room screaming. Those times I refused to do anything and threatened to stop breathing. Begged him to just end it all with me. Asking if we could just go together. I didn't want to leave him but I couldn't imagine waking up another morning with this pain.
I wonder how he did it. How he survived. Somehow he was always there. Pulling me from the darkest hours. I have spent hours/days/months worrying about him. Fearing he was being so strong but would someday crumble like me. We talked. Daily. about missing her. About how she was here and that she is still real. I think that was the best thing for both of us. To know that she is real. That our daughter died.
For some it might sound silly- to keep saying it. You would think it might hurt worse. But in reality its our life. Its real for us and we cant ignore what is. Through all of these days. Through all the firsts without her. Through all the growth. Through all the hard turns and the feeling lost moments.
We continued to breathe.

Sometimes I try to make sense of what life is today. Is it that we are not as sad anymore? Is it that we are just forgetting about that part of our life? Is it that we are just moving forward? Is it that life is getting back to some kind of normal? What is it. Why don't I cry every second like I did 2 years ago? How am I not wanting to run away from the world every time I see another child. How am I able to now smile when I see someone who is Makenzie's age instead of wanting to push that kid down and run?
It still hurts. I still cry. I still miss. I think about her every God damn second of the day. but what has changed isn't that I'm getting over anything, I'm not moving forward, I'm not going back to a normal life.
What I am doing is getting used to this life.
I am getting used to the hurt. The sadness. The forever ache in my heart. I am getting used to a life where my oldest daughter is waiting for me in heaven. I am learning how to control those sad moments so I don't make the rest of the world feel as uncomfortable as I do. I am recognizing what life was and what it is now. I am getting used to what others sometimes say or do. I am getting used to seeing life continue and I'm getting used to knowing its not going to stop just because she isn't here. I am getting used to learning how to breathe in a different way. Life isn't getting easier. The missing isn't any less.
I am just getting used to it. and by getting used to it. I can smile in a different way.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Pregnancy Tips

Here it is 3:00am and I am awake. What is going on? I woke up yesterday but after a while somehow managed to go back to sleep. Today its not going to happen. I have been awake since 1:00ish and my brain wont turn off. My eyes and my body are still so sleepy and want to be in bed but my brain is wide awake. So this morning ill do laundry and make Ryan breakfast and blog.

I was thinking of some pregnancy tips that I am learning and want to remember.

- Not much helped when I was sick but some of the things that helped the most was lemony stuff. I would drink lemonade throughout the day to help a little. One night when it was really bad I drank lemon juice right out of the bottle. Gross. But it seriously made me feel better.
- Not letting myself get hungry throughout the day helped with not throwing up after every meal. I got sick more if I ate on a empty stomach. The best thing for me to eat was dried fruit. I tried fresh fruit and as much as I love it, it didn't make me feel like I ate anything but for some reason dried fruit did.
- Ill have to update on this later but I have been using a concoction of different anti stretch mark creams and oils. I have some of those lovely things from my pregnancy with Makenzie but they actually faded pretty much completely away. Now that this belly is growing I can tell they are starting to show again. They are the same ones so I am hoping I can slather enough crap on to not have any more show up. I have to say I am usually extra creamy or extra oily. Nice right.
- If I drink a lot of water in the morning/afternoon I have been feeling less bloated. and if I drink all that water I have to drink earlier in the day I don't have to get up and go to the bathroom through the night.
- Chili and pregnancy DON'T mix. The 2 times we have had it I have gone to bed in tears because of the mass amount of stomach pain its caused.
- You are more likely to pass out when pregnant. Didn't know this but it happened. At family dinner a couple weeks ago. It was kind of scary. I was talking to my doctor about that weird feeling I have been having where it feels like my stomach is doing somersaults- he said something about things inside moving around, loss of blood pressure and to sit down. I don't remember details- I have pregnancy brain already- but when I told him about when I did pass out he said yeah that can happen, So be careful and make sure you sit down when you start to feel off. When I passed out I just started feeling a little sick and not like I was going to pass out.

That's all I can think of for now. If you have some tips/tricks or lessons learned you should share them in the comments. That way all us prego lady's can relate together and learn something new!

Sunday, March 25, 2012

The past 2 weeks

We have been trying to keep ourselves busy the last few weeks with the amazing weather we have been having. Other than it being windy it has been some-what warm and sunny.
We have spent as much time outside as possible soaking it up before the Utah weather changes again and we find ourselves back to winter in June like last year :)
The last 2 weeks in a few pictures...

harley meeting a horse and becoming instantly in love
harley chasing balls
jazz basketball game in amazing seats
green beer for ryan. churro for kendra
happy st.patricks day for our muffin
snuggling with toys
bike rides around the neighborhood
mountain biking
naps after long bike rides
not pictured
corn beef and cabbage for st.patricks day
lots of dinners with family
playing board games for hours laughing harder than we have in a long time
visiting baby stores
breakfast dates with my mum
lunch dates with friends
becoming a bit obsessed with draw something on our phones
walks to the park
date nights at home watching movies and eating junk
working overtime
ryan using his smoker constantly
growing a baby

Life is good.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

14 Weeks

How far along? 14 Weeks
Maternity clothes? No
Stretch marks? No
Sleep: Sleeping good other than that 1 night a week.
Miss Anything? Not really.
Movement: No
Food cravings: I wanted a cold hot dog this week. Is that weird? Yes okay it is. Good thing we didn't have any in the house. Other than that I crave milk. All the time. I have always loved milk and we usually go through 1-2 gallons a week but in the last week I have gone through 3 pretty much by myself.
Gender: Ryan is now undecided. He doesn't have any clue.
Kendra is still thinking boy but honestly doesn't care one single bit.
Labor Signs: No
Symptoms: Just feeling weird. Its hard to explain but its kind of reminds me when Kenzie would do somersaults and it would make me kind of light headed and my tummy would just be uncomfortable. I know you cant feel the baby yet so I know its not that but it feels so weird. Its usually when I'm sitting and almost every single time Harley lays on my tummy.
Belly Button in or out? In.
Wedding rings on or off? On.
Happy or Moody most of the time: My attitude has definitely been improving. I am so so so thankful for this little baby and only want the very best for it. I have my hard days where the reality of a new baby is ridiculously scary but I just pray and tell God I am going to sit back and be thankful for whatever he gives me for however long.
Looking forward to: Doctors appointment tomorrow! Anxious to hear that heartbeat.

I have started doing some serious research on this child's nursery. I have so many ideas and things I LOVE. This time around is so different than with Makenzie. All I wanted was over the top, bold, bright, far to much to look at, room. I didn't quite accomplish all of that before or during her little life but that was the goal. With this one. All I want is simple, clean, different, unique, calm. I want color but not much. I am inlove with Grey and White as the main focus and doing other things to bring color in. We are still in a debate whether to use Makenzie's furniture or not. I thought I was okay with it at one point but I'm really having a hard time. But it doesn't make sense to buy all new stuff. I don't know. The biggest issue right now is we just don't know where we will be living. We could get renters and be out of our place next week. Or we will be in our condo for the rest of our lives. I have no idea. So I'm not really going to be doing much decorating. I want to get stuff that can be used anywhere we are. I am thinking of decor and trying to get inspiration. The colors I love to pair with grey and white are--
navy, aqua, lime green and/or a darker grey for a boy. I don't think I would use all of those colors together but I like all of those colors with grey.
If we have a girl I love aqua, yellow and a redish pink.
I am thinking of using an old dresser that was mine and just painting it so that would be a color that we bring into the room. I don't want it to be white or grey so it would be one of the stand out colors. 
I will paint a room at some point. I am thinking in about a year. When we are more settled into wherever we might be. So baby will be a few months old before that gets done so his room needs to be pretty amazing without the paint for a while. But again I don't want it to be loud. I want subtle. 
Oh this is going to be tricky.
Here are some pics from the ever so wonderful pinterest that has been a source for some inspiration.

- love this blanket and using different fabrics that match the colors of the room -

- I love these colors together but don't want the wall painted anything but grey or white -

- I love the color combo. Don't really love the furniture or set up but I like the grey and white with just a little aqua to brighten the room -

- Can ruffle curtains be used for boy or girl? yeah Ryan said no way would we put these in his boys room, but I love them none the less -

- I love the stripe accent wall -

- I have to have this saying somewhere, I sang this song to Makenize all the time and I would love to share that with the new baby as well -

I know I still have many many many weeks to get all of this put together so hopefully by then ill have some fun, cute and inexpensive ideas put together :)

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Our Happenings

Without fail every week for... a while now... I have one night I wake up at like 1:30am and cant go back to sleep. I lay there and try everything. After a while my mind starts to wonder and we all know that isn't good. I get all these weird scenarios in my head, I tell myself silly stories, then I start thinking the worst of every situation. Ah its kind of annoying. This morning I just got up and decided to get some stuff done. Sorry but the wee hours of the morn. is not the time to be doing anything because you cant be quiet enough to keep your husband asleep. So I sit here in the dark, blogging :)
Good Morning to all who is already awake!

To update you a little on our happenings...

Ryan is going to start school. Kendra is not.
Ryan is nervous for school. Kendra is nervous for Ryan to go to school.
Ryan is working his butt off getting a lot of overtime. Kendra is just working.
Ryan has been busy picking up some side jobs to earn some extra money and Kendra is writing the invoices for them.
Ryan has been feeling good. Kendra has been feeling good. Woohoo!
Ryan has been moving stuff to the storage unit. Kendra carries the light boxes and holds the doors.
Ryan has been obsessed with pickles lately. Kendra is worried Ryan might be the one pregnant.
Ryan is already counting the days until the hunt. Kendra is counting the days until baby.
Ryan went snowboarding. Kendra went shopping.
Ryan is reading the newspaper. Kendra is reading children's books.
Ryan got new work boots. Kendra is happy Ryan isn't crying about his feet hurting.
Ryan likes to eat. Kendra likes to cook.
Ryan has gone out with his friends. Kendra has gone out with her mom.
Ryan got tickets to a Jazz game. Kendra was his date.
Ryan is sleepy all the time. Kendra is getting energy back. Things are getting back to normal.
Ryan doesn't like watching movies at home. Kendra has been making Ryan watch movies at home.
Ryan loves Iggy's. Kendra has now thrown up both times they have gone there in the past month.
Ryan has been dancing. Kendra loves to watch that boy dance.
Ryan is the worst at draw some. Kendra is the best.
Ryan has been thinking of boy names. Kendra has been thinking of boy names.
Ryan wants a boy but thinks its a girl. Kendra is kind of hoping for a girl but thinks its a boy.
We both really don't care what we have as long as we can keep them forever.
We are both really nervous for this baby but so excited at the same time.
We both agree babies take too long to cook. Dogs are only pregnant for like 6 weeks.
We are both sad the Walking Dead is over until fall.
We are both anxious for nicer weather.
We are starting to help plan the Live, Laugh, Breathe fundraiser in July.
We are collecting Leggings.
We are selling cookbooks- slowly. Want one? You can order one to the right of my blog.
We are trying to rent out our condo STILL. Its super cute. Great neighborhood in Fruit Heights UT. Its close to Hill Air Force Base but not far from downtown SL. Its 3-4 bedroom and 2.5 bath. over 1700 sq ft. and we are allowing pets. If you know someone interested go to to schedule a walk through. Any help passing the word on would be so much appreciated.

So pretty much to sum up. Ryan is working hard all day long and I am just there :)
It has felt like we have been busy but its been with nothing too exciting. Just regular everyday stuff. We are anxious for some change. We are ready to move onto the next chapter of our lives and right now it just feels like we are stuck. Do you know that place? Where you have pretty much made all your decisions but nothing is coming of it yet. You cant really do anymore to push it along. You just have to wait. and when you wait you second guess yourself for every decision you are making. Its really annoying. Poor Ryan is so tired of my daily phone calls asking if he is sure we are doing the right things. I look back and remember making certain decisions and feeling like they were the right ones to make yet turned out to have some not so good outcomes. Its just so hard to know what you are suppose to do. Being a grown up isn't fun sometimes. Its hard to look at others that are established and got their crap together. I know their life isn't perfect and I'm not expecting mine to be. Its just nice when you are on the right path in life and things are getting done and you are seeing accomplishments and growth. I have felt we keep running in circles. Getting nowhere fast. Everything from our children to education to money to friends to our own health to money again to jobs to a career to our house to renting...
The only thing I do know that is right all the time is Ryan. Being with him. Loving him. I have to stop and remember that is a big thing and not to be taken for granted. I am thankful beyond words for God putting him in my life. He is the best thing to ever happen. I still pinch myself knowing I will go to bed and wake up next to that man everyday. He is forever. and I don't ever forget to thank God for him. He is the constant. He is the right path. Oh how I love him.
So that sums our happenings. Its still to early to be up. I'm now getting sleepy. and hungry.
Happy Wednesday.

Monday, March 19, 2012

A Good Grief Benefit Concert

I started connecting with THIS blog shortly after Makenize passed away. Molly is an amazing Mum and an amazing writer. She has written her journey through grief and has done some amazing things to help others who are in similar situations. She has started a foundation called A Good Grief which raises money to pay for children's headstones that have passed.
Something no parent should ever have to think about. Something they should never have to pick out. Pay for or Worry about but unfortunately to many have.
The Jackson's have done some amazing things and helped some very deserving families. Molly is such an inspiration. I wanted to pass on some information for a great benefit she is having next week. If anyone can go I promise you wont be disappointed. This is the second year she has done a benefit concert and all money goes to her foundation. 

A Good Grief Foundation is hosting its second annual benefit concert. All proceeds go directly to headstones for children who have passed on. Join us for an evening of incredible entertainment with some of Utah's top performers.
Evening will include a memorial tribute to honor local families who have lost children this year, including the PACK FAMILY, who was hit by a drunk driver Christmas Eve.
Come support this wonderful cause and be thoroughly entertained!
Performers include:
•Charlie Jenkins--Country Sensation! (
•Jessie Clark Funk --Broadway:Footloose (
•Angela Jeffries (hottest voice in Utah Musical Theatre!)
•Kyle Olsen (a voice you'll simply swoon over)
•Lea Cabrera--Broadway: Footloose, Finalist on American Idol
And other OUTSTANDING voices.

I hope many of you can go. Ryan and I will be there.
If you don't live close or cant make it but would like to make a donation please go to
her website for more information.



These cookbooks were started in August 2011. Ryan and I knew we were going to need some help with how our family grew and at the time we just were not sure how we would go about doing it. Adoption was the first thing that came to mind. We started in on the process, started classes and about a month into it we felt like that just wasn't the right thing for us to do right at that time. During that process however we had already started the... Live, Laugh, Cook... cookbooks. We asked everyone that could to please submit a recipe. We got over 600 recipes submitted from all over the world. Most came from all areas in the US but it is just amazing to see all the amazing dishes and different ways to make them. All the amazing people that submitted a recipe are mostly people we have never even met. They are our friends through this blog.
After we decided adoption wasn't the right path right now we started looking into a sperm donor. I was more apprehensive than Ryan which was a total shock not only for me but for a lot of people. It didn't take to long before we both just knew this was the right path for us and we should continue down it.
After a lot of research and going through hundreds of donors we finally found the perfect one.
We started the IUI process and the first 2 rounds didn't work.
But lucky #3 did.
We were implanted December 27th 2011
Found out we were pregnant January 8th 2012
Baby is due September 20th 2012

Through this whole process we have still been diligently selling these cookbooks. I have to tell you these medical costs are not cheap but they sure are worth it. These cookbooks are just a way to help. The amount of support has been overwhelming and we are forever grateful to all who have purchased one and for all who might in the future. Not only does the sales of these cookbooks help us- they are pretty amazing and you will love them so much.

600+ recipes.
Tons of different cooking tips.
We are always trying new recipes in our house and I'm telling you they are all so yummy!
If you are interested in ordering a cookbook you can place your order to the right side of my blog. There is a link that takes you to Pay pal. They are $20 each which includes shipping but if you buy more you can save. We have tracking numbers on all the orders so if you don't have your order within 3 weeks make sure you email me so I can either track it down for you or send you a new one.
Thank you all so so much again for all the endless support!
Have a wonderful day!

Thursday, March 15, 2012

13 Weeks

How far along? 13 Weeks-- last week of the first Trimester!

Maternity clothes? None.
Stretch marks? Nope.
Sleep: Sleeping fine other than needing to pee every hour :)
Miss Anything? Having the desire to do everyday things. All I want to do is lay around.
Movement: None.
Food cravings: Craving nothing but when I want something--- I want it NOW. and its usually the very thing we don't currently have in the house. Doesn't it always happen that way? Don't worry I don't make Ryan run out and get it. I suffer through my moment of craving and move onto something else.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Hallelujah this week has actually been the best week yet! I have been a little sick at night but not bad at all. Its been like a vacation. But I still don't have the desire/energy to do anything productive.
Gender: Ryan = GIRL
Kendra = BOY
Labor Signs: None.
Symptoms: Tired, No energy = Lazy :) and can anyone help me with the bloated thing? What is some kind of natural thing to ease that? I could eat a peach and get bloated. Everything makes me bloat and that my friends is so uncomfortable/painful/totally unsexy!
Belly Button in or out? In.
Wedding rings on or off? On.
Happy or Moody most of the time: When it comes to this baby. I am very happy. When it comes to anything else in life. Oh I'm a mess. Ryan and I have had so many things going on lately and so many decisions to make and we are just about maxed at the overload department. My mind is always racing we are always on the edge of our chair. Man alive its been a rough one. I just hope things start to fall into place soon.
Looking forward to: Having the desire to start running again. I work or I clean and that's all that I can get done in my days. Nothing more. So I am anxious to start doing something good for my body again.

So how do you all decide on big decisions? Pray? I have been doing hours of that. Literally hours and hours a day. I am trying to get a feeling of what to do but everyday it seems I flip flop. I go from feeling good about something to feeling sick to my stomach about that same thing. We are trying to rent out our condo since trying to sell has been no luck but we have yet to find any renters. Do you know anyone? Its a great neighborhood! We are trying to get debt paid off... AHH I know I hate that word as well. That can cause mass amounts of ulcers right there! We are trying to figure out school. Should Ryan go. Should I go. Should we both go?? What about work. Working now... Working after the baby comes... What happens after the baby comes... Then there is my depression and anxiety. Oh they are on a giant roller coaster lately. I have been working on my meds to get things in control but right now they are a little crazy. That doesn't ever help anything. and to top it off-- I am bloated like all the time! Seriously.
Okay I'm going to go cry into my pillow and eat some girl scout cookies to feel better.
Any advice would be welcome :)

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

11 Things

I have been tagged...
I am not so good when I get tagged because well--- I usually forget. Sorry. So if you happen to tag me. Send me a note. Maybe a couple times. Just so I don't forget :)
But here it is. I am doing it. Thanks for the note Robin.

Game Rules:

1. post these rules.
2. post a photo of yourself and 11 random things.
3. answer the questions set for you in the original post.
4. create 11 new questions and tag people to answer them
5. go to their blog/twitter and tell them you've tagged them

11 facts about me.
1. I hate the crust of anything and I refuse to eat it.
2. I am not a huge fan of reading. I try to get into it. I have bought several books that come highly recommended but I just cant get into any of them. I will read and make myself read and read some more but Its rare if I ever finish the book. I usually get to the last chapter and never finish. Weird right?!
3. I wish I was better at crafts, baking and sewing. I don't have the patience for any. Ill do it but I end up getting frustrated and just want to get it done fast. I don't like learning. I just want to know it.
4. I don't have a dream car. I have cars that I would love-- A Jeep Wrangler-- along with about 5 others but I cant imagine not driving my beater 2001 honda accord. That thing has been with me for years and even if I had the money today to get a new car I cant see doing it until my honda totally dies.

5. If this baby is a boy. I have an obsession with making him a mini cowboy/lumberjack. All clothes I pick out fall in this style. Seriously its so not me and so Ryan. What am I thinking? Totally enabling his WT love.

6. I have spent a good 2+ hours just driving around looking for girl scout cookies last week. Never found them. Until I was least expecting it on Saturday. I ran across the parking lot tossing women and children out of the way in order to get 7 boxes of goodness!
7. My least favorite chore in the house is dishes and laundry. but I love vacuuming and cleaning the bathroom.
8. I am extremely anal when it comes to planning. I have to have everything from what our life will be like in 5 years to what we will be eating for breakfast, lunch and dinner for the next month written out. If anything goes of the plan- I have a bit of a panic attack. ie. Last night tuna nuna was on the dinner menu and we were out of noodles. I almost stop breathing when Ryan said he was making chicken instead and we would just eat tuna nuna on Thursday. I have a serious problem. and my life. So far. has not followed my plans. You think I would have learned by now?
9. I am wanting to go swimming more than ever right now but my swim suit doesn't fit. The "ladies" have grown a full cup size already and there is no way I'm buying a new swim suit for this chubbiness. I cant imagine putting this in anything but jeans, sweat shirt or a mumu.
10. I love police/law enforcement shows... Law and Order, CSI, The first 48, K9 Cops. Fascinating.
11. I talk to myself in the car. I have a full on conversation or even argument out loud.

11 Questions for me.
1. What animal most resembles you and why?
Probably my Dog Harley. Because we both have sever anxiety and just want to lay around all the time.
2. If you could wish one thing for me what would it be and why?
For Robin- I wish you forever happiness. You have always been one to deserve it.
3. What's your favorite memory about your childhood?
I loved having a big family. I loved seeing everyone. I loved being around them. I loved being one of the youngest even though all I ever wanted to do was be as grown up as everyone.

4. What is your favorite thing to do?
Hanging out with my BFF. The hubs. I love going on walks or hikes or anything outside when the weather is warm.
5. What do you want to be when you grow up?
Oh heaven help me. I have no idea. I am still wanting to go into sociology with some kind of study in disabilities as well but I have no idea what I want to do with it. I want to help but that's as much as I know. As for right now my focus is being a Mom. Seriously my dream job and I am just counting the days until Its a reality again.
6. If money wasn't an issue where would your dream vacation be?
Any place tropical. Totally unique. Secluded. Where I can swim nude in the ocean :) always a secret dream.
7. Heels or flats?
Flats. My most favorite pair of Flip Flops!

8. What is your favorite smell?
Juicy Couture for me and Clinique Happy Men for Ryan.

9. What is your favorite flower?
Gerber Daisy
10. One of your biggest regrets?
Rudeness. I seriously want to slap myself every time I remember a time I was rude. I really hate that I ever put that into the world. If I have ever been rude to you- I honestly am so sorry.
11. Do you dream in black and white or color?

11 Questions for Brigette R. Allie A. Cindy M. Jessica I.
1. Who is your favorite Celebrity?
2. What is your favorite Disney Movie?
3. What was your best vacation?
4. If money was no issue what is the first thing you would purchase?
5. When was your first ever date? How did it go? How old were you?
6. What is one rule you never thought you would have with your kids but you now have it?
ie: no eating in front of the tv?
7. If you could only eat 1 thing for the next year what would that be?
8. Have you ever wished for a different name?
9. Name 3 things on your bucket list?
10. If you had an extra hour in the day what would you do with it?
11. What was your favorite TGIF show?

Thursday, March 8, 2012

12 Weeks

How far along? 12 Weeks
Maternity clothes? None.
Stretch marks? Nope.
Sleep: Trying to get comfy has become a little harder this week.  I am a tummy sleeper and its starting to hurt laying on my tummy.
Miss Anything? Planning a meal. I cant plan ahead more than what I'm eating in that moment. It never fails that if I do try to plan that's the only thing that makes me want to puke when it comes time to eating it.
Movement: None.
Food cravings: Cereal in the morning and PB&J for lunch. But again if I plan ahead and make myself a sandwich for work- once I'm there that sandwich makes me want to puke. Weird. 
Anything making you queasy or sick: That changes from moment to moment but right now what always makes me want to run to the bathroom is the thought of Chick-fil-a... I was violently ill after eating that a couple weeks ago and I have never fully recovered.
Gender: Ryan = GIRL 
              Kendra = BOY
Labor Signs: None.
Symptoms: Its funny because with Kenzie I didn't really have many symptoms but with this one, I am like a pregnancy book- everything that could happen is happening. So yes. All the same- sick, tired, uncomfortable, boobs hurt, gas pain, bowl changes, no energy... Doesn't pregnancy sound sexy?
Belly Button in or out? In.
Wedding rings on or off? On.
Happy or Moody most of the time: You know after starting my little thing where I wake up everyday and tell myself I will be happy and have a good day has really made a difference. Even when I'm sick. No matter the random symptom. No matter if I fart in public. I am happy. I am happy to be where I am and I am happy for what is to come.
Looking forward to: Almost done with the 1st trimester!!!

This week I passed the 200 day mark. We are under 200 days until this baby comes into this world. I cant even explain how excited I am. We have been trying to figure out what day to go to a place called fetal foto and find out the sex of the baby. They can tell around week 15 what you are going to have. We went with Kenzie at 16 weeks and it was actually really cool. They put the baby on a big screen in front of you and spend a good amount of time letting you watch the baby move all over and hear the heart beat.  We are so excited to go again with this baby but we are having trouble knowing when to go.  We want both our parents there and we want to have a gender reveal party after. So trying to get every ones schedules lined up has been a little hard. But we are thinking the first week of April. So not this month but that's okay. 
As for taking some medicine for my nausea my doctor said he wanted to hold off since its not so bad that its effecting my weight gain. I am able to keep enough down that this baby is definitely growing. I have been taking some Bvitamin and some unisom but I don't think that's helping. I have also had to have most of my other meds changed so I am figuring out when the best time to take those is and as of this last week I think its at night time. Seems to be helping some.  I am on medication for my thyroid which is all messed up as well as for my depression and anxiety.  The stuff I was on pre-pregnancy isn't good for the baby after the 3 trimester so they switched me now which is the same as with Kenzie. They switched things around then as well. Then I am on those ferret iron pills and prenatal so I am maxed out with pills. I am doing my best to just relax and keep calm. Obviously I am ready to fall off the edge :)
Happy Day to be at week 12.
Cant wait for the next 28 weeks.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Race to Happiness

Have you ever been in a place in your life you felt like you were always chasing happiness?
I have. Most of my life. Its always been something that well when this happens then ill be happy. Or well when I finally finish this or get that job or quit that job or have a baby or move or run a 5k... then ill be happy. It becomes exhausting because its a race that is never ending. You get to where you thought you were going. What was suppose to make you happy and then you realize you're still not happy. So you keep running. For that next thing that will make you happy.
I can honestly say there was 1 time in my life I was actually happy. In life. With my life. In that moment. I always said it was because I knew my time was limited because I was going back to work but maybe it was God helping me because he knew my time was limited with her life.
After I had that little girl.
From the moment she was born. In the hospital. At home. On everyone of those doing nothing but sitting and watching each other days. Those sitting in the sun while I ate lunch and she got some fresh air. Those walks. Those late nights. Those early mornings. Those trips to the grocery store. That feeling of being able to say "Yes she is mine". Story time. Bath time. Every smile. Every snuggle. Every time she slept. Every movement. That girl was complete bliss. I had never imagined what real happiness was until I lived it every second with her. I remember on several occasions sitting there. Watching her. Thinking- seriously I would be okay if tomorrow never comes. I am so perfectly happy right now. I didn't wish for more. For the first time ever. I wasn't in a race to find happiness. I held it in my arms and I soaked it all in.
The moment we knew Kenzie was not going to leave that hospital alive was when that perfect, immediate happiness went out the window. I definitely was able to find it in moments. She totally gave it to me. I can tell you some of the greatest moments in my entire life- even above when she was home and "healthy" was in those early mornings. I was still in a fog from the little sleep the night before, I was trying to get my things together for shift change but I would stand beside her bed. She was always awake. Wide awake. I would talk to her. Smile at her. I would kiss her face and hands and tummy and legs. I would straighten her leggings. I would prop her toys and blankets to make sure she was super comfy. Then I would ask her. "Are you ready to go home to God today Kenzie?" and every one of those days that I knew she would tell me NO if she could gave me that perfect immediate happiness. Because I knew I had one more day. One more day to look into her eyes. One more day to touch her skin. To feel her toes and fingers. To try and get her to smile. To try and make some kind of memory. To give her some bit of happiness. To love on her the very best I could. Those moments in the morning when I knew my daughter wasn't going to die today gave me a the simplest happiness I could have ever learned.
I hate to say that simple happiness, that immediate joy hasn't been around since she left. I'm back to racing. Racing for what will make me happy. For the first year it wasn't a baby. The second year it was a baby. and now here I am. Learning to find that happiness in whatever stage I maybe in. Learning to be happy for other people. I feel like I am doing better than I have in the past. Stopping and seeing life.
Its so hard sometimes. I find myself in this hole of just wanting everything that's not.
Wanting Makenzie is the biggest obstacle.
Not that I will never not want her, but this wanting is unrealistic. Its so deep and its overwhelming. It consumes my every thought. It makes it hard to really enjoy and thank God for this new life coming into our lives. Believe me I am so anxious. I cant wait for this part of our life to begin again. Loving this new life. It will be amazing. but I guess the hurt and the missing Makenzie is just extra strong right now.
I think its another one of those firsts that you have to go through after a loss. Even though its been 2 years. This is the first time I have actually accepted that there is going to be a new life in our family. With Gracie I honestly wouldn't let myself think about much. I was so numb to everything else going on in life and then when that little one came along the feelings of fear were much more powerful than any feeling of hope, joy or even missing. Not many people in our life knew about her. We didn't know how to process things. We didn't know what to say to people until we could answer the questions we knew they would ask first off. Will this baby be sick to? We wanted to be able to say yes or no. We wanted answers for ourselves and once we had those answers. It wasn't long after that we lost Gracie. There was no time to find that joy or excitement or even experience the missing of Makenzie. Now with this one. Its a whole new set of emotions.
What I want right now is to stop running. Stop chasing the next thing that will make me happy. I have a good life. I have so many blessings and things to be grateful for. Its not that I don't see that. I guess its just learning to be happy with this. With the big things and the little things. There doesn't need to be some big life changing thing to make the difference. What I have is all that I need.
For the last few days I have put into my mind that I will be happy today. No matter what. I will do it.
I wake up and tell myself what a good day it will be. I tell myself things Ill get done and things ill do to relax. I talk to Makenzie.
I think about Ryan.
I think about this baby.
I see that what I have is pretty great. I see that happiness doesn't have to have be a lot of effort.
It can be that simple. Immediate. Seeing what you DO have that can make all the difference.
It doesn't take a lot but it take some. It takes wanting to see it as well.
I am so not there. Happy as a clam all the time. but I'm working on it. I want this baby to see happiness all the time. I want them to know what happiness is. Pure joy.
I don't want them to be chasing it.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

11 Weeks

How far along? 11 Weeks
Maternity clothes? No but my favorite thing to wear is my sweat pants right now.
Stretch marks? No.
Sleep: Horrid nightmares have lessened this week. But I am having a hard time getting comfy and falling asleep. I am afraid of the next 29 weeks. 
Best moment this week: Today. March 1st. We will find out the sex of the baby this month.
Miss Anything? Feeling Normal.
Movement: None.
Food cravings: Still no consistent food. It changes every second. Usually nothing sounds good but I'm always hungry. 
Anything making you queasy or sick: Still so so sick. I have been taking the B6 and unisom like my doctor told me and so far its not helping. I found out the other day that I am anemic so they put me on some iron pills and ill tell you right now I hate those pills. Its almost like an instant puke pill. I have yet to keep it down. I have tried taking it in the morning, midday, night, with or without food. Nothing is helping. 
Gender: Ryan = GIRL 
              Kendra = BOY
Labor Signs: None.
Symptoms: My stomach and pretty much whole body just aches from puking. My boobs are huge and sore. I am farting like a chubby man eating beans. My emotions are a complete mess. Yes I think I am pregnant.
Belly Button in or out? In.
Wedding rings on or off? On.
Happy or Moody most of the time: I have had a rough week emotionally. Been having a really hard time with things just not being what I imagined. Guess ill never learn to just let life happen and stop planning and expecting.
Looking forward to: Reaching the second trimester and hopefully starting to feel a bit better.

Man you would think life is horrible with how much I complain. Guess I should be clear that no matter how sick I could ever feel I know it could be much worse. I am so thankful for being able to be sick, have these crazy hormones and watch this changing body. I am so very lucky and I don't let a day go by without thanking God for giving us this gift. I hope no one ever thinks I ever feel anything less than complete joy when I think of this life. Makenzie's little brother or sister. No matter how hard things will be because ill be honest-- its not going to be all rainbows and sprinkles. This is a life after a big loss and that is not easy. But we wouldn't change this for the world. 


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