Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Catch up.

Life has been a whirlwind.
It's been amazing being a mum once again. I didn't realize how much I actually missed until tracker came. I knew there was so much missing in life but forgot some of the details. Looking at his carseat in the backseat, feeling his head nuzzled into my neck, endless poopy diapers, holding hands, kissing lips. I can't even explain how much love I feel for track. I worried about how life would be. I worried about loving and taking care of him well enough. It's unreal to me how incredibly smitten I am with my son. I have missed talking about my baby. I have missed holding my child. I have longed for this. Tracker has healed my heart more than I ever thought possible. I never thought this would be possible. To be happy. The most incredible purest joy.
I have been falling behind on my blog as well as every other daily task. My every second is spent getting back in the swing of being a mom. I didn't have this hard of a time with Makenzie but I second guess everything I do. I am ridiculously paranoid about everything. My anxiety is really horrible. I am working hard everyday to figure out how to juggle housework and making sure my baby is breathing, moving, eating and sleeping properly. I knew I would be worried about him but never imagined it be this bad. I have had horrible nightmares about losing him. I have had these images flash in my head of his lifeless body. The fear of anything happening is constant. I have many break downs and just pray that God doesn't take him away. I try to convince myself there is no way I could lose another child but I am very aware I am not exempt from having something happen again. I am not in control of what could happen in life and I can't stop it. The logic is there. I know the unlikely hood of something happening but that doesn't take away the fear. Not right now.
Tracker rarely gets put down. Mainly because he is a bit colicky. It's honestly the saddest thing ever. He cries for hours a day and hardly sleeps at night- just cries. My heart breaks and I just pray for him to get some comfort. I am reading and trying as many tricks as possible to help him. The most effective-- baths. I would let him soak in a tub all day if I could. He loves it. I think he has some reflux as well. I am watching my diet and trying to cut back on dairy, high fiber and veggies as these are all hard on their tummies.
No matter how little sleep I get or how many times we both break down and cry together. I am always holding him close. Kissing his face and thanking him for choosing me to be his mom. He is my love. I am obsessed with him. He is so incredible and I am overwhelmed with gratitude for every second of his life. I know how lucky I am to have him. To hold him.
Oh what I wouldnt give to hold makenzie. To have another day with her. Missing her has been great. Especially because I see so much of Kenzie in tracker. It's amazing and I love it. I worried it would be so hard to see her in him but it's the opposite. I love finding pieces of her. We talk about her everyday. Tracker dreams of her every time he closes his eyes. He starts smiling and I ask if he is dreaming of his sister an he starts smiling even bigger.
I have so much to write about our new life. Our new family of 4. I need to find time but just don't have enough hours in the day. I am being extra talented right now and feeding him and writing his on my phone with one hand. Greg it takes a while to type with 1 thumb :)
Life is so wonderful. It's hard but it's so worth it. Every minute with my son is an answer to many many prayers.


Clement Park Ward Youth Trek said...

If you think he has reflux, definitely try and get the doctor to prescribe zantac or prevacid..Jack had really bad reflux and that made our lives so much easier when we got some zantac from the doctor :)

Trinity said...

Although, I do not personally know you this makes my heart smile. I am so happy that you have found a new found joy in life and that having Tracker brings such comfort and that you are able to see pieces of your daughter in him. I believe that would be very helpful in healing. Although the feeling of loss will never disappear you are allowed happiness and joy until you meet your sweet daughter again.

Anonymous said...

I am so happy to read that you are crazy busy enjoying your sweet little man! I would say--relax on the housework and cleaning. That baby is so much more important. (I am realizing the same thing now too!)
I have something else to tell you, but I do not want it to be on here...I will email or text you.

Alerie said...

I'm so glad you are happy. You are an amazing mom!! Makenzie and Tracker are so lucky to have you and Ryan as parents. I love that Tracker is dreaming of Makenzie. So amazing and sweet. You and your family are always in my thoughts and prayers!!

Lengland said...

Congratulations on such a beautiful boy! I'm so happy to read that your heart is healing and you are feeling joy! Sorry to hear your little T has a little collic.. hopefully you both can get sleep soon! I heard that wheat gluten can cause tummy troubles too, so maybe you can try to take wheat out of your diet for a few days to see if it helps. Hugs to you. I love reading your journey and thank you for sharing your story.

Unknown said...

Hi Kendra,I was wondering if you have tried colic calm, they sell it at drugstores it's all natural ,it's for colic,and reflux we used it for reflux and it made a difference and my pedi. suggested it! Good Luck!

Katrina said...

Have you ever heard of or tried gripe water? Both of my kids had acid reflux and unfortunately I never heard of this when I was going through it with them. But a few months ago a friend of mine taled about gripe water and how it works wonders! I'm sure you can find it online and I even think I saw it at Walmart the other night. It might be worth a try! Here is a link you can look at for more info. Hope it gets better soon! I know first hand how hard it is on the little ones AND the mommy! :) Good luck!

The Jeffries said...

My daughter had colic from 4 weeks - 10 weeks every night. Keep trying all the tricks, it's good that you have found baths help. For my daughter, often an ounce of Chammomile tea, cooled (but still warm) and in a bottle would calm her right to sleep. Other nights, the cool night air, other nights, the vent on the oven...what doesn't work one night, may work the next. If you haven't already, read "The Happiest Baby on the Block" - the 5 S's are useful.

Good Luck! You're doing a great job!

Eschewing Debt said...


I have never commented on your blog before but I thought I would because my daughter had colic and it was HORRIBLE. Finally she was diagnosed with GERD (bad reflux) and put on Zantac and that changed everything. She stopped crying so much, ate better and gained weight better, and made everyone happier. It might be worth looking into. Good luck, and again- CONGRATULATIONS!!!

Raquel said...

He sounds just like my baby did she cried at least 8 hours a day for the first two months but didn't spit up a lot so I didn't think reflex but at her 2 month dr appointment they gave her the baby version of Zantac and she's a whole new baby! (Although she still doesn't nap she at least doesn't scream in pain all day)

Raquel said...

He sounds just like my baby did she cried at least 8 hours a day for the first two months but didn't spit up a lot so I didn't think reflex but at her 2 month dr appointment they gave her the baby version of Zantac and she's a whole new baby! (Although she still doesn't nap she at least doesn't scream in pain all day)

Kjack1405 said...

Ive been reading your blog for a while now and never commented but I want to pass on some "mommy info" that might help :) My second daughter was born in August and she too, was "colicky". We had multiple days where she would cry from sun up to sun down...its heartbreaking, From the day we brought her home, she never liked being laid down on her back and was spitting up 7-8 times a day which is alot for a breastfed baby...after doing some research, I found alot of information that made me believe she has acid reflux. We quickly scheduled an appt with her doctor and he agreed...we put her on Zofran 2x a day and she has been a completly different, happy, smiley baby! My suggestion is to keep track of all of his movements for 72hrs...thats what I did and it made me relieze just how much she was crying/spitting up and when and consult with your pediatrician. Its really eye-opening when its written down right in front of you versus trying to remember what happened and when using your sleep-deprived memory! Good luck....Trakker is so beautiful :)

Jocelyn said...

Have you ever considered Chiropractor to see if it would help? I know some children it worked wonders for.

Good luck. He sure is a sweetie


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