Thursday, July 5, 2012

oh the tears keep flowing

okay I know this is like the 14678 post I have done about how I cry and how I miss Ryan all the time and how I am having a hard time. but here is another. because this helps me get things out.

I cry because I am happy. I cry because I am sad. I cry because I am scared. I cry because my house is a mess. I cry because I feel like I never get to see Ryan. I cry because Ryan is working so hard. I cry because its hot. I cry because I feel huge. I cry because my belly hurts. I cry because money is never there. I cry because I miss my baby. I cry because I miss being a mom. I cry because I worry about this baby. I cry because I need this baby. I cry because my DVR broke. I cry because the dog stinks. I cry because I need to get my car washed but don't have time. I cry because I don't have time to do a lot of things. I cry because I miss not having responsibilities. I cry because of lies. I cry because of movies. I cry because of songs. I cry because I cry to much.
Sometimes its nice to have a big huge cry. Sometimes when you have that huge cry it calms you for a while and you feel better. That was me last night. Crying for a long while. While Ryan held me. Crying about missing Makenzie. Crying about how unfair it is that we don't have her anymore. That the thoughts, feelings and memories of her are fading away. I cried about how I hate being so clingy to him. That I hate how I literally think I'm going to stop breathing whenever he leaves my side fearing that will be the last time I ever see him. I cried and cried and snotted all over him. Then I felt better. for the rest of the night.
Now its another day and I am back to wanting to cry.
I think I am ready for the emotions of pregnancy to be over with.
I am ready to be somewhat normal. and that is my kind of normal. which is even crazy for the average. but at least my kind of normal I am used to and I can for the most part handle.

After Makenzie passed away whenever someone would hear they would say something along the lines of...
I don't know how you even get up in the morning... or... I would just kill myself...
Honestly at that time- it was so so hard and like I have mentioned the first couple weeks after she died my sister came over every single morning to get me out of bed. but after that initial period I had to go back to work. I had other daily things I needed to accomplish. I had a husband to take care of and I didn't feel like laying in bed or killing myself was really an option.
I wish I was filthy rich and could go insane and never get out of bed but for us poor folk its not really a possibility.
The past few weeks I have started feeling that same not wanting to get out of bed feeling. I get so frustrated because I think-- if you survived the death of your child why cant you handle the birth of your next?
Its so hard for me to understand so I don't expect anyone else to.
I am scared. Of everything. I am scared of loving him. I am scared of not loving him. I am scared about the whole sperm donor thing. I am scared about his health. I am scared about my patience. I am scared about his life. I am scared about Ryan. I am scared about raising this child if something happened to Ryan.
Over and over in my head I get these images that I am giving birth to this baby alone because Ryan died or something. I try to shove them out of my head and they don't leave. They are like tattooed in there just eating my away. I get all hot and panic-y, sweaty and nauseous and then usually end up just feeling ill the rest of the day. That's everyday.
What is so hard to understand is that I have always prepared for the worse case scenario in life (other than losing Kenzie) Its like I have a plan that if this... happened I would do this... just so I wasn't caught off guard. and the death or separation from Ryan has come up in our almost 6 years of marriage before and although I would be absolutely devastated I was able to somewhat come up with a plan of what I would do... Now please know that this plan would be thrown out the window if something ever really happened because I have no clue what I would really feel or what I would really do. This dumb "plan" is more just to calm my anxiety. I just don't want anyone who has unfortunately been through this, feel like I could sit here and say I would have the slightest idea what I would actually feel or do because I just cant imagine. I cant imagine what you are continuing to go through.
.... so I have had this "plan" mapped out before but since I got pregnant and especially in the past couple weeks/months I honestly cant even fathom something happening to him. I cant even try to make up a plan or prepare myself for what I might feel. Why is it so different? Why is it so much worse now?
and for pregnancy. This is what I wanted. This is what I planned and dreamed and prayed and begged God for. Why is it so scary. Why does it seem so impossible. Why cant I just enjoy this. Its going to be over so soon. I am definitely not ready for him to be here. I am excited but my fear is taking over the excitement.
I watch Kenzies videos and look at her pictures and everything about her was so not scary. It just fit. It worked. We made it work. We did our best and we loved that girl more than anything in this world.
Why cant I just have faith that will happen again?
I don't want this little boy to come into this world to greet such an emotional mess of a Mom.
I am trying everything possible to get myself in check.
My biggest help is crying. After I cry I feel normal for a little while. I feel like I can do this and things will be good. but then I hate crying all the time.
So ill go have a good snotty cry and hope to figure this all out someday.


Ashley Quarles said...

I think everything that you're feeling is completely normal. I'm sorry that you're having such a hard time though. I can't even begin to imagine the fear and worry that goes through your mind every day.

Please know that I pray for you often.

Sara said...

“For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind” (2 Timothy 1:7).

Live by FAITH and not by fear :) (easier said than done, I know. but you are an amazing person and just the fact that you are trying to work things out makes you a good person and great mom. take a deep breath and focus more on having faith that the Lord will make it all right.

Shannon said...

I had postpartum depression and one of the hardest symptoms to deal with was my clinginess to my husband. I felt SOOO alone and I dreaded the moment he left the house to go to work. Every minute he was gone felt like hours. It was excruciating. I can totally relate. Big hugs from Ontario, Canada.

Jami said...

Hi Kendra, I have read your sweet blog for a while, although this is my first comment. First of all, I want to tell you what an outstanding, inspirational mom and woman you are. Your Makenzie was so gorgeous and precious - I can tell all she ever knew was profound and absolute love. As a mom of a 3 year old son and 5 month old daughter who are both my EVERYTHING (along with my husband, of course) I can relate to your incredible love for your children and also the anxieties that go along with such great vulnerability. I just wanted to send you and your family some love and prayers and I hope that your fear and anxiety will let up, you don't deserve to have your own thoughts torture you. You are a thoughtful, strong, blessed, and LOVING mom and wife, that's what matters most!

macros said...

Hey Kendra! I've been reading your blog for awhile now. Ah the joys of pregnancy hormones huh?! A good cry is ok. It's normal to feel a weepy crying mess while pregnant! Been there done that! Lean on your family and friends for support during this time. Tell them how you feel. Keep your doctor in the loop too. Everyone is with you, cheering you on until your baby's birth and after!! Hang in there!

Shawna said...

Kendra, I'm so sorry that you are struggling so much with fear right now. I pray that you will have some peace from that soon and am glad you have found some help in crying it out -- sometimes that is the best option. A good cry doesn't hurt anything :).

Though I haven't been in your situation, I have dealt with a lot of fear/anxiety and was even diagnosed with panic disorder once. That is much better now, thankfully, with some help first of medication and then, when I got to a place where God became a part of my life, with years of leaning on Him, prayer, and learning to give my cares to Him. It's a work in progress though and I still have good days and bad when it comes to the fear thing.

Anyway, I am reading Angie Smith's book "What Women Fear" right now and it is amazing. If you have a chance, even if it's not until your little guy arrives and you need a book to read during those late night/early morning feedings, you should check it out. It talks so much about all of the types of fear you mention here and how they are normal and a part of life. I think you'd enjoy it.

Unknown said...

You don't know me, but I found your blog somehow and have been following your story. I want you to know that you're not alone with your fears. I have never lost a child, and I can't imagine what you are going through, but I am also 30 weeks pregnant with a 2 1/2 year old and so much of what you say rings a bell with me. I also have a history of anxiety, and while my first child actually "cured" it for me, the impending birth of the second one has brought it back. There is just so much to think about--money, keeping up with the house, being a good wife, etc. Just wanted you to know that you are not that abnormal :) Hang in there, and I hope the birth of that sweet little boy will bring you comfort!


Trinity said...

I am so sorry that you are feeling so emotionally overwhelmed. I can't imagine what you are going through as I have not been through the loss of a child. I have however, been pregnant twice and I am an emotional person anyways and added hormones just made me much more emotional. After reading about all your fears and desires I think your fear just surpasses the desires of your heart. Not that your desires are less, but you have been through a lot and I think that you are just scared of what could happen. No one expects to lose a child or husband and that is a very scary thought. I think that you will be an excellent mother to this child as well as you were to/still are to your daughter. I believe that once he is placed in your arms much of your worry will fade away. You may never completely get over the fear of losing your loved ones because sadly, you know just how hard that is. However, you can enjoy each and every possible minute you do have with them. I know that although all seems well right now with my family that that can all change in an instant. I just strive to be the best mom I know how to be and make sure that my family knows just how much I love and care for them. I think you are doing amazing and if crying and typing down your thoughts helps than by all means cry and type. I pray for comfort for you at this time.

Esther said...

You should read the book "You are not your brain." It teaches how to over come deceptive brain messages that are taking over your life or that cause you to act in ways you don't like. I have read a lot of self help books and this is the best one I have ever read and I really think it could help you. Your library probably has it. Seriously I recommend it. What you are going through would be so hard, but it doesn't have to be this way. There is so much hope for the future. Good luck with everything.

Kayla said...

Oh my heart breaks for you! You don't know me, but I've been following and reading your posts silently. I think I could've written this post.. at least the emotion side. I can't say I know what you're going through. I've never lost a child, but my dad was unexpectedly killed when I was 13 and when I got pregnant with my first child after his death my emotions went CRAZY. I cried all the time over EVERYTHING, and I was totally and completely overcome and paralyzed by fear.. fear of losing my husband, fear of dying myself, fear of losing my baby.
I think what you are going through is perfectly "normal" for someone who has gone through the grief and pain you have.
I have the "plan" too.. the plan if my husband died, if my kids die, or if they all die, and during my pregnancy I'd get vivid daydreams of them being killed and would be hysterical for hours and hours. During my pregnancy, the fears and thoughts of losing them consumed me and I thought I was nuts.
You've been through the worst thing in life.. something that will never EVER leave you, something that has changed your perspective, your course of life, and how you approach different things, and that is something only you can understand. Its horrible, its not fair, but you understand the reality that horrible things happen and pregnancy sure does have a way of amplifying those emotions and drawing them out in an uncontrollable way.
The thoughts are normal, but I promise you that once your baby is here, the fears and hormones and tears won't be so strong. My child(ren) have been one of my biggest sources of strength, joy, hope, healing, and purpose in the wake of losing my dad, and I think that once your precious bundle arrives, it'll bring some healing to your broken heart.
I will pray for you, that Jesus will wrap his loving arms tightly around you! Don't doubt yourself, you've been through hell.. you're an amazing mom and your little boy sure is lucky to have you!

Jill said...

Hugs and know you are loved. God is watching, listening and blessing. Each tear is noted in Heaven, you are loved.

Jen from MN said...

Kendra, hang in there. Don't be so hard on yourself, you're doing great. Sincerely, another SMA mom

Alesha said...

I get anxiety pretty bad when I am pregnant also. I am literally SCARED to see how it effects me next time after losing Pierce. I know I will be a crazy crying anxious mess.

I do the same thing, plan what I wuold do if "something" happened. It never actually happens like that. I always think I would handle things much more gracefully than I do. ;)

Hang in there. Hopefully these pregnancy emotions can let up a little. I'll say a little prayer for you. ♥

Robin said...

I'm still praying for you Kendra. I know you will make it through and see some amazing sunshine on the other side of this rut...


Unknown said...

It is therapeutic to write things out. You are doing such a great job at expressing yourself, which you've always done, and that means that even though you feel different, you are still you. You have the amazing strength to get through hard things! You can make it each day, you will love your little boy, life will be hectic bliss! Hugs


Cee said...

Hi kendra, its absoutly normal for you to feel so emotional after what you have been through. Reading your story about Makenzie was like reading an image of my story. I know exactly what you mean about the crying, sometimes you just can't stop it.

brigette said...

Can I just tell you how much I love you! Seriously you are amazing and every time you write I can feel ya!! Im sorry your having a rough time. I say cry it out! Cry, cry, cry if it helps you feel better that is what you should do. Dont worry baby T wont think your a mess... hes going to be so happy to join your sweet family!


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