Friday, July 27, 2012

50 Days!

50 days until this little boys due date!
People that is crazy.
I have been a bit emotional the past week. Not because there has been anything really wrong but just because. I cried one morning because I just didn't want to blow dry my hair. I cried because I just missed Ryan when I had just seen him a few hours before. I cried because I missed my brother. I cried yesterday morning because Ryan used the last of the milk.
I blame these on the pregnancy. Emotions running wild.
I am mainly just excited. A very happy, full of joy, anxious kind of excited.
We had another doctor appointment yesterday and everything is going great. I am so blessed to have such a smooth pregnancy. I know how lucky I am and that we really have so much to thank God for right now. This little boy is only measuring a week ahead now. ARGH. I was kind of hoping he might come early if he was measuring so early. but now he is only a week so I am thinking he will have other plans. I don't know. He is still head down and getting ready for the next few weeks left in his nice little home.
He moves all the time and I cant tell you how much I love it.
This morning I was looking at Harley who was wagging her tail and I asked Ryan if he thought TK might have a tail because there are times when I feel movement and it feels like it could be a tail wagging. Its the weirdest thing. Ryan laughed. I laughed. and then I started imagining what we would do if he had a tail.
After my appointment yesterday I went to visit my Kenzie. I found this HUGE pinwheel and couldn't wait to take it up there. I cleaned up her stone and sat there for a while. I almost died of heat but whatev.
(it was 103 degrees yesterday- this summer is killing me)
It was very surreal and very hard to go from a happy doctors appointment for son and visit his big sister at a cemetery. It just doesn't seem fair and still doesn't always seem real. There have been times in this pregnancy that I have to remind myself that this is a new pregnancy and that the last 3 years did happen. Its so hard to explain but I honestly have felt myself pushing out the last 3 years and just continuing the pregnancy I had with Makenzie and thinking this will be the start of our life. It probably doesn't make sense to anyone else and I sound crazy. I feel crazy at times. I think its weird how hard it still is to understand there was a life that is now gone and that this is a new life.
I want to be a Mum again. Oh how I have missed that role. I cant wait to hold my son. I cant wait to see his face and kiss his lips and feel his breath and completely fall head over heels in love with every inch of him. I need him. I need him in my life. I am scared of what will or will not happen with his little life. I am scared he will be sick. I am scared something else will happen to him. I am just scared.
but the scared I have felt this pregnancy is not near as strong as it once was. I think I am in a place now that I accept that I don't have control over what is to come. I cant change what is in Gods plan. So what I need to do now is savor every second from here on out. I love when he moves around my belly. I get nervous when I haven't felt him for a bit and I do everything possible to make him move. When he does I just sit back and soak up those movements.
I am so thankful for his life.
I am so thankful for Makenzies life.
I know I wouldn't be able to love TK the way I do if it wasn't for Makenzie and everything she taught me. I know TK will have a better life than I could have ever given Kenzie because of what we went through with her. I wish I would have been able to learn all these hard lessons without losing her. I wish that everyday.
Its a strange balance. I am trying.
I am excited.
I am nervous.
I am so thankful to get the chance to be a Mom again. I cant wait for Ryan and I to be parents again.


Trinity said...

You are so amazing and strong. Your children are so very lucky to have such wonderful parents caring for them, looking after them and loving them with all of their hearts. Thank you for continuing to share your story. Thoughts and prayers being sent your way.

Joe and Kirstin said...

50 days will go by fast :). I am so excited for you. Almost 3 months ago I had my little boy, we didn't have his name picked out until the day he came. I just realized though, his initials are MRW, I always think of your sweet angel when I see his initials. :)

brigette said...

arrgh you are soooooooo close!! Im so stinking excited!!


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