Tuesday, March 30, 2010

what would have been.

oh the stories i wish i could have told you.
the experiences i wish we could have had together.
i know you would have been just like me-
im sure you would have yell at me,
you prob. would have laughed in my face when i smacked you for talking back,
i know you would have had friends i didn't approve,
you would have stayed out way to late with a boy,
you would have yelled and cried when we said no boyfriends,
you would have had a secret boyfriend.
i would have worried the night away in the kitchen waiting for you to come home,
you would have spent hours trying on dresses for prom,
we wouldn't have walked out with a single one because even though you looked breath taking in every single thing you tried on- you weren't satisfied.
you might have snuck off to get a piercing that we told you a million times we would never allow.
i might have looked through a journal once or twice just to make sure your staying out of trouble.
i would have been caught and you would have burned your journal.
you would have been late to school every day because you wouldn't get up on time.
i would have drove you to school everyday because you would NEVER be caught riding a bus.
i would have pretended to be a cool mom just because i always thought i would be,
but in reality- i was a total embarrassment to you.
family trips would be spent trying to get you to stop texting your friends and enjoy us.
you would have gone well over your texting limit.
you would have been grounded and forced into a job to pay for your outrageous phone bill.
we would have gone broke buying you new clothes.
we would have had that fight- "im 18- im an adult, i can do whatever i want!"
i would have snatched your pretty 18 yr old pony tail and locked you in your room that was still located under our roof :)
you would have sluffed school and barley got by- but graduated.
you would have fought us on college because getting married is a much better idea.
we would have threatened you enough to wait on marriage and bribed you enough to attend college (of course with a shiny new car to get you there :)
we still would have had that argument- "but you and Dad did it"
oh how life would have been.
im sure i would have pulled my hair out.
im sure i would have cried myself to sleep thinking what i did wrong.
im sure i would have wanted to run you down in my car a few times.
but girlfriend
i would have adored every inch of you- i would have loved every second of your life.
i would be next to you- every step of that rough life you would have lead.
i would have picked you up everytime you fell, i would have kissed you even when you push me away.
because- you are my everything.

ill keep dreaming.
imagining your incredible self.
day dreaming about how much spunk im sure you have.
i know your the center of attention-
i know a few people are teaching you things i really don't want you to learn
ex- spitting and swearing :)
i cant wait until you can show me all the things you learn.
i cant wait to grow old with you.
i cant wait to have all those crazy life experiences in heaven.
im sure- it will be a little different (being in heaven and all), but- i hope a little crazy to!
no matter where we are- where you are, you have my heart and i wouldn't ever want it any other way.
i love you.


Emma said...

I'm sorry you don't get to share those things with Kenzie, but she does share your heart, your love and you and Ryan are her life too...always and forever. Love Em

Tara Bennett said...

I love those pictures of Kenz, esp the 2nd and 3rd ones. Sorry you don't get to share those things, but you WILL get to experience them with her one day. The wait is long and hard, but it will come. Until then, we're here for you.... so many people are here for you. xo

debbie said...

beautiful - both of you

Devon said...

She has such beautiful big eyes. I want to echo Tara: I know you'll get to have those experiences someday too. Hugs and love to you, Kendra.

Anonymous said...

I am so addicted to reading about you and your beautiful family. The things you write are just amazing, I swear you know how to get to others hearts. Your such a wonderful person, I think everyone I know, knows about you and your family. They always ask how you are and how things are going. You touch others lives who have never even met you or read your blog. Your inspirational! I love seeing pictures of Kenzie she is so beautiful and I love the smile. She is also so well dressed ( must get it from her mamma. Keep your head up, cry when you want to or need to and let it out girl. I feel so close to you even though I have only passed you a couple of times at Amex. I feel a love for you and your family that has kinda tied me to you. Your so sweet and I always hope for the best for all of you!
Love Shari& Rhandie

Anonymous said...

I dont know you.
But I love you.
I read your blog everyday
and somehow you give me strength
though our trials are different;
your loss of your beautiful girl,
and my loss my unborn children,
I relate.

Have you ever heard the song "Save A Place For Me" by Matthew West

I love it.
I know my babies live somewhere,
I just have to wait

When I hear this song I think of them and I think of you.
Thank you for your strength.
May God bless you to be able to face each and every un-faceable day

Amie said...

I have to say I agree with both the anonymous comments...I stumbled along this blog thanks to Tara...I LOVE reading what you write-I am extremely sorry for you loss. I have no idea what you must be going through each day-I have 3 kids of my own and through your blog I have come to appreciate them SO much more- just want to say thank you for touching my life and helping me strive to be a better mother-you are beautiful and so is your little Kenzie-and one day you will be able to do all these things and MORE with her-you are always in my prayers:)

Alerie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Alerie said...

Kendra this was so beautifully written and so gut wrenching at the same time. I am so sorry that you don't get to experience all these things with her here on earth, but I know you will get to experience all these things with her in heaven. Who knows, maybe there are dances and proms in heaven!! I believe that heaven is full of all the things that make us happy and who doesn't love to just dance to music like no one is watching? AND you are right she does have your heart and you have hers. That is the beautiful thing about families. No matter how far apart we are, we are always linked together. Always thinking and praying for you!! Much love!!

Jessica and Reece said...

You are beautiful. Thank you for being so strong, for reminding me how sacred motherhood is, for inspiring me to be a better mother every single day and to appreciate every single moment. I've said it before, I'll say it again -- you, Kenzie, Ryan and even Harley are always in my thoughts and prayers.

Emma said...

I commented earlier but for some reason it didn't post....I just wanted to let you know how much those pics of Kenzie speak to so many people. Her loving spirit, wise eyes and strength are so evident...such gifts from you and Ryan. The love you shared with her while she was in your arms is so evident, such a beautiful little girl! The love never stops, if anything it grows by the minute, and she can feel it, every piece of it! I can't wait until you dance with her again, hold her in your arms, but until then know she is always with you and always holding you in hers. Love Em


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