Wednesday, March 24, 2010


found myself in the hall, dialing heathers number to check on how makenzie is doing.
i almost threw the phone when i remembered.
for a moment i almost punched myself in the face for even thinking makenzie was gone,
then i realized its true.
oh these moments.
they come at such unexpected times.
im just breathing.

i have been wanting to write a little note in regards to a comment i recently received.
i didn't want to write when i was angry or hurt or any "off" emotion. i simply wanted to respond.
this blog is MY crazy, usually doesn't make sense, release my emotions, scream it out, boring online journal. now- I KNOW that because its online and public, everyone has the right to their own opinion about me, what i write and my life. i accept that and im not trying to change this certain bloggers feelings about me- i do however want to make something clear.
*not for one second did i, am i or will i ever blame ryan for anything that has gone on with makenzie. if i have ever given off that impression, re-read what i wrote because i would never even hint that. ryan is my rock, my world. if it wasn't for him i wouldn't be here. he gave me makenzie, how the hell could i ever feel anything but incredible love and gratitude for him.
*not for one second did i, am i or will i ever EVER not see the greatness of my daughter. she is incredible. she changed this world. she blessed my life in a way i cant describe. i couldn't be more proud that i am her mother and YES I DO see this everyday. i thank God everyday for giving me her life, but her death is killing me. my world has been taken from me (as well as from ryan) and remember im only 3 months into this. when i write, i tell you how i feel. i don't sugar coat anything. if im mad- ill tell you im mad. if i hurt- ill tell you i hurt. im not going to paint a pretty picture of some make believe life im not living. i am trying everyday. some days, i really don't move anywhere but backward but that's okay. im okay. i can feel however i need to feel. you can feel however you need to feel. i wont tell you to move forward, even if we are in the same situation, because i don't know. i don't know where your coming from, i don't know where you are spiritually, i don't know what you really believe. the only thing i would say to you is- i love you. we are bonded because of this horrible event, now lets join together and help each other through it.
i love comments, i love comments that give me suggestions, advice and show me love.
(maybe im in a dream land because i know life isn't full of the positive, but i can dream right)
i also love the comments where people are real with me. sometimes i need that point in the right direction because im stuck. for this comment that im talking about, i appreciate it. i have read it many times and i have thought about it. i thank this person who took the time to write it
- but-
some of the things that were said were a bit out of line for me to just sit back and not address -just in case anyone else felt this same way.


derek, allie, emma , & bradyn said...

no matter how you're feeling, no matter what you want to write, no matter what you put on your blog...
you always say everything so perfectly.
as a reader and your friend i feel what you're feeling through your words.
thank you so much for sharing your life, your feelings, your words, your pictures with me/everyone.
i love you so much. and you better keep writing! :)

Jessica and Reece said...

This is your blog, your catharsis, your life, and I'm sad that someone felt the need to judge you and your feelings. Chances are that person has never had to feel the pain you feel every single day. I hope you know how many people love you, many of them (like me) don't even know you but love you even still. Keep writing, keep living, keep doing the things that help you remember your girl. You are amazing.

Robin said...

It is interesting to me that someone would even think to say something to bother you so badly. If you think something and you know that it is inappropriate you shouldn't say it to someone regardless of the situation. You are right in saying that everyone handles their issues differently and although your blog is private if someone doesn't like what they see they don't need to read it. I hope that you don't let things like that keep you from telling the truth in your blogs as you always have. Love you

Esther said...

I'm sorry you got an inconsiderate/ignorant comment from someone! Anyone that would elude to you not caring enough for you husband, and perfect daughter, is a crazy person! Your love for your family shines through your words, and pictures. I hope that comment doesn't bother you too bad, words can really hurt.
You are amazing!

Emma said...

I am so sorry that you got a comment that made you feel that way, that would even hint to your feelings for Ryan and Kenzie being anything less than amazing. It is so obvious in all you write how much you love your sweet girl and how, although you wish she was here with you of course, you cherished every minute you did have with her! I also can always 'feel' the love you have for Ryan, and to be honest I am amazed at how well you do to connect with him and allow eachother to grieve in your own way, even though it might be different, and still come back to one another for comfort also. So many relationships are pulled apart by this kind of loss, and really, often much less, and I think you two are amazing, incredible and the love for eachother and the love you share for Kenzie is so, so evident in all you do!!
This is YOUR blog, you say what you need, feel and want, you have to in order to move through the tough days. Right now, that is probably 99% of the time, but you are right, you are only 3 months in and although it is hard to imagine the loss getting 'lighter' it will. It will never go away as your sweet girl will forever be missed, and not having her with you will always hurt, but those take you to your knees pains will lessen...thankfully! I just want you to know how much I care about you and your family, my love is always sent your way, you are just such an inspiration. Thank you for being you, for being honest, for being real....that takes someone truly special. Love and hugs, Em

Anonymous said...

No one should ever put you in a position to have to defend your thoughts and feelings. You speak from your heart and Its real, raw emotion that many of us feel even though it may be in a different situation. So many people admire and love you because you are brave enough to put your whole heart on your sleeve and tell it like it is. Even when someone anonymous says absurd things you still try and give that person the benefit of the doubt and say you love them. I sure don't know many people that would take it like you have, it just shows even more how selfless and kind you are. I was pissed when I read that comment just because it couldn't be further from the truth!!! Alright I'm rambling now... ha ha. Keep being you because you are an amazing person!!

Cox Family said...

I came across your blog through a friend's blog who posted about your situation. I ache for you when I read all the things you have gone and continue to go through! I can only imagine what as a mother (I have 3 little boys) it feels like to lose your baby. I admire you for being so strong and just getting up a living everyday! As you said it has only been 3 months which I am sure seems like forever and so short at the same time. I guess the point of my comment is to say I am praying for your comfort and your peace. I feel like I know Kenzie now and will always remember her story, her beautiful life, and her sweet face long after your blog and that is the biggest way to honor her. You are an amazing mother and Kenzie is lucky to have you!!

♥ Alyse

Jenni said...

I'm so glad you posted this Kendra. I agree with everything you've said 100%. Just remember, it's your life, your hurt, you pain. People need to respect your situation because I think you are handling things incredibly well given the circumstances. I seriiously can't even think about being put in the situation you are going through. And you're right, it's only been three months. I am so grateful that you have shared your story with the bloggy world. It has definitely made me a better mother and more concious of others around me...not to judge anyone cause you don't know what they're going through. I'm so glad that Ryan is your rock. That's a wonderful blessing. You are an amazing person and I feel like a better person through "knowing you". Love you girl!

Alerie said...

Kendra I can't thank you enough for letting us into your life and telling it how it really is. You know that I think you are amazing!! I know that you think Ryan is the most amazing man in this world and that Makenzie is the most perfect little baby girl in this world!! NEVER once have those thoughts that you mentioned even crossed my mind. It is VERY obvious when you read your blog that you love both of them more than anything in this world. You do whatever you need/want, feel whatever you need/want and write whatever need/want. It is your life and your feelings and no one can take that from you or tell you that you should be doing something else. Your family has changed so many lives through this blog. You are an inspiration to many. Love you!!

Tina Montgomery said...

I do not know you, but when I read your blog I wish I did. I don't know what it would be like to lose a child. I lost someone that I loved more than anything about a year ago. He was my everything. I felt like I was going crazy because I was on this roller coaster of pain, people act like they understand and try to, but really, no one can truly understand your pain except for you, maybe your husband, and kenzie. They are the only ones that know truly your relationship!
keep writing. though our situations are different. Writing helped me to put into the words the feelings I had never felt before, and understand them. You seem like an amazing, strong, beautiful person, and I hope the best for you! KEEP WRITING! And... keep feeling!! It is important.

Gaspegirl said...

Stay true to yourself Kendra... those of us who have been reading your thoughts since before you were even blessed with a pregnancy know that you are a kind, compassionate lady who feels that your life is complete because of the LOVE of your family! (((hugs))) to you girl... I wish we could be closer geographically because I am certain that we would be good friends IRL.

Anonymous said...

I won't write any more to you. I'm truely sorry if I hurt you with what I wrote. I did not do it in a mean way I really just wanted you to see oh it really doesn't matter. You sound like you are a good person, a good mom and a good wife continue on and in time the saddness and hurt will find a different place in your life. I'll read how you are doing and I do wish the best for you.

Anonymous said...

Dear Anonymous,
You are the type of person that makes me doubt the good in humanity. You should be deeply ashamed of yourself. Your careless words have hurt someone who is in the most vulnerable and low point any human could ever go through in life. How could you hurt someone that is already hurting so much? What kind of a person beats a broken and wounded soul? The answer is you; you do and you are an awful person.

To quote your own words, "you make me mad, you fail to see the greatness" in the way that Kendra and Ryan are dealing with this. You fail to see the greatness in the raw emotion that she is conveying, and to understand that this expression of hurt is the path that they are taking to heal. They are on the path of greatness – the right path to healing.

It is clear from your post that you have also gone through a great event of grief. I couldn’t be more sorry for that. However, it is also clear that it is not Kendra who you should be giving advice to, but instead to yourself. You have obviously made many mistakes in your path to healing, including blaming and pushing away those that love you most, failing to see the greatness in the one you lost, staying in the same place, and worst of all, have only felt for yourself.

It is clear that you have not moved forward and healed from you pain, but instead moved on to hurting others in the most profound way to make yourself feel better. How sad.

Take your own advice and look beyond you. You are an awful person and a coward. At least if you have something terrible to say, take ownership and post your identity.

Signed, Your Conscience

Kendra – please excuse my French, fuck this person. Don’t listen to anything they have to say. They are clearly crazy and need help. We all couldn’t love you more.

brigette said...

wow.... I am sorry for such a hurtful comment. You are amazing its clear in your actions and words. Im sorry you had to have pain added on top of your pain. I think the upmost of you!! You are special and I can clearly tell how much you love kenzie and ryan!! Thinking of you always!

Brian and Rebecca Nate said...

There's only one word that comes to mind and that is heartless. When someone is in the depths of despair you try to keep their head above water, you don't push their head under. You are such a strong person. I don't even know you, but I feel it in what you write. Life is hard and we do take knocks once in a while, but try to block out all the crap and remember the people that are here to help you through your pain. Stay strong and keep going. I love your blog and obviously so many other people do too. You are so honest and sincere and that's my favorite part. I love people that are blunt and honest and I see that in every one of your posts. Take care and don't lose heart. One foot in front of the other.

Tristan said...

I'm currently working on slurping my 2009 portion of my blog into a book through book smart. My sister-in-laws did this and it is nice for them to reflect on their thoughts, feelings, pictures, events, etc of their lives. Since I learned you can do this, my blog has become more and more like a journal too. It's very therapeutic for me and in some odd way brings me peace and happiness. It's a good thing to journal and get your emotions out. I think it will really help with the healing process. Some days will be good and some days will be bad. I guess the hard part about doing it online is it does make you an open book and easy target for judgments. It really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. You are doing this for you and that's what's important. You need to do whatever you have to to make it through this tragedy in your life. With certain comments (including mine), I think they need to be taken with a grain of salt. If you can use the advice, take it! If not, throw it out and forget about it. You need to do what's right for you and your little family.

Anonymous said...

I heard about your blog a few months ago and started reading.
I am a young mother. I had my daughter when I was 16 it was very hard to me to realize that my life is no longer about me and I everything I do is for my daughter. I was going through a hard time being a single mom. I was seriously praying that I could find some inspiration. Then my sister told me about your blog. I read it for serioiusly 2 hours and CRIED THE WHOLE TIME! I seriously fell on the floor and started balling. I felt so bad for you. I can't imagine how anybody could deal with this loss. I realized that day how grateful I was to have such a healthy daughter and I was so happy to be a mommy and cherish all the small but amazing moments a mother has. I wanted to thank you for laying your heart out in this blog. You explan everything so well. WHenever I read I feel like I'm living in your life. I seriously can't imagine. So thanks so much for sharing and helping me as a mother cherish all the small tiny things that are huge.
You are seriously amazing! Don't feel like you have to defend yourself on this blog!
You have deeply helped me as a mother be grateful for everyday I spend with my princess.
THANKS AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Kendra -

You continue to be such a role model because of your honest voice. Thank you for sharing your true feelings and not holding back - that is what is so moving about your writing - that is why so many people are drawn to your blog - because you are candid and open and real. Your love for Kenzie and Ryan are clearly evident in your writing. You are an amazing mom and wife and woman! Thanks for sharing your life with us. Your strength is motiviating and inspirational! Not only has Kenzie changed lives -but YOU and RYAN have too!!!


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