Saturday, March 6, 2010


its here.
we leave early tomorrow morning for our 7 day cruise.
i don't know where all this anxiety is coming from.
i just keep thinking about this time last year.
i keep thinking about what vacation we were suppose to take.
disneyland with the girls
addi + makenzie.
instead this year we are cruising with the adults.
don't get me wrong
I'm so excited to be with our family
with ryan-away.
yes- i feel guilty.
i know i know.
i have heard since kenzie passed that she would want me to be happy and live life
blah blah blah
but the bottom line-
to smile without her hurts
to laugh without her hurts
to live life without her hurts.
this last week has been extremely hard
I'm not sure why
nothing to different has happened
this feeling of wanting/needing something so much but no matter how hard i work, no matter what i do, no matter how hard i pray, it wont change- is just killing me. its overwhelming.
i hate feeling so helpless, hopeless, unable, low.
i have been having this dream/nightmare all week
of makenzie dieing
and again.
she is on my mind every second.
i am aching
i am physically drained-sore-desperate.
I'm so glad ryan is here.
without him, family, friends- i wouldn't be here.

we went to kenzie's grave today.
its been 13 days since i have been last.
i usually go a few times a week.
i woke up and begged ryan to make sure we go.
i couldn't wait another day.
i will never wait that long to go up there ever again.
the day was beautiful.
we took harley for the first time.
she must have felt something because as soon as we stopped in front of her grave, harley laid down right there.
we let balloons go.
ryan and i held each other.
i felt so warm
so so warm.
i told ryan to not let me go.
he listened and obeyed.
we haven't ever stayed that long.
we just stood there- cried together- held each other.
i know we will stay longer the warmer it gets.
i wish i felt that warmth all the time.

so we take off tomorrow
I'm a bit nervous to get sea sick
I'm a bit nervous to eat so much i puke
I'm a bit nervous i might fall off the boat
but I'm hoping to go and relax.
come back more rested and maybe a bit more tan.
i know life will still be here when i get back.
hope you all have a good week and see ya soon!


Anonymous said...

You know I truly believe Harley, could feel something. I think your sweet one was there with you today, I really do. I am so glad you had that warmth it’s an amazing comfort. Remember and hold on to moments like that...
Have a fun week!

Lots a Love

Tara Bennett said...

I am so glad you had that special time at the grave today. I'm glad you and Ryan are really there for each other, that's what Kenzie would want! I'm glad (and a little jealous) that you're going on the cruise! I hope you feel a sense of peace and calm -- boy do you deserve it! We love ya and look forward to going to dinner and/or something else when you get back. I miss you! Love ya.

Alerie said...

Kendra I hope you are able to go on your cruise and relax. I have never been on one, so you will have to let us all know how it was.

I am so glad that you were able to go to Makenzie's grave today. That is amazing that Harley just knew. I totally believe that dogs have that special sense. I am glad you and Ryan have each other, especially for moments like the one you shared today. Kenzie was right there with you both today, holding both of you, she was that warmth. I am sure she enjoyed the balloons too and caught every one of them.

Always thinking of you and praying for you!!

Alerie said...

P.S. - that picture of her is precious!! She is so beautiful and you always had her dressed so cute!!

Andrea said...

I am glad that you are going. It is always hard from what I am starting to discover. Maybe it is your body telling you that something needs to change and that is why you are having such a hard time. Been thinking of you wondering if there is anything that I can do to help you. Have a great trip and know that she is there with you. HUGS!!!

Jenni said...

Our family LOVES cruising!!! I hope you are having a wonderful vacation. I'm so sorry it's been a rough week. I'm sure everything that you do for the first time is going to be so hard without her there. But she's with you, having a great time so I hope that you can too.

♥ Stephan & Michelle & Ashlyn ♥ said...

I hope your having a wonderful cruise! You and Ryan both deserve it! And I know you here this all the time. but I bet she will be there right with yah! Cant wait to see your pics from it!
I wanted to let you know we bought two balloons the other day one pink and one yellow one, and sent them for Makenzie and our baby! :)

Emma said...

My heart aches when I read about your pain, I can't imagine and I wish you didn't have to be going through this. I am so glad you have Ryan to hold you through this, I know it can't always be easy to turn to one another but I am glad in the end you always find your way to grieve together. YOu are going through something noone should have to, and although I know you don't feel strong your strength is undeniable to all 'looking in'. I hope you felt Kenzie with you on the cruise, I know it is not at all the way you want of course, but I hope you felt her love and some peaceful moments with you family while you were away. I know she is watching down on you, amazed at her incredible Mommy and knowing where she got her strength and fighting spirit from. Hugs and love, Em

Katie said...

Dear Kendra,
I'm sorry, I don't know you, but I saw your comment on Pics and Kicks and you know how it is. I started reading your story.
I just wanted to say how sorry I am for what you've lost. My heart just breaks for you. Before I knew it, my eyes were swelled with tears for you while I read your entries. I have a firm faith that families can be together forever and one day you will hold your precious child again. We lost a child in utero not long ago. I know very little of what you've endured, but I have had a taste of loss.
Hang in there. I wish you all the best as you move forward and try to heal. A little love from a stranger!

Emma said...

Welcome Home! I hope you were able to enjoy your time on the cruise, that it was filled with love, laughter and joy....I absolutely know getting away doesn't take the pain away, I know nothing can, but I hope that you found there were times when it was eased. I hope that you felt Kenzie there with you, loving you and giving you the strength to enjoy your time with Ryan and whoever else you were with. I was thinking of you so much this week and sending you all the love and strength and positive vibes I possibly could! Hugs, Em


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