Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Letters to myself

Thank you all sooo much for the awesome advice on my BABY LIST post.
There was a lot of ideas I never would have thought of and a ton of products ill keep on my to try list.
If any of you out there are parents or soon to be parents I bet you could learn something off that list. There is some amazing ideas. Some of those things has put my mind at ease knowing that this whole thing called parenting is a giant learning curve. No one has all the answers but with great people surrounding you, it makes life so much easier.

We are winding down to our final days before this little man makes his appearance.
I am trying to enjoy the down time and trying to take advantage of not having the responsibilities that come with a newborn but I cant help how incredibly anxious I am. I just cant wait. I am ready to have this little person in our home. I thank God every single day- several times a day- for blessing us with this life. For giving us this chance. I know how lucky we are. I wish everyone who wanted to could experience this. Experience the amazing life of being a parent. It breaks my heart that not everyone gets this opportunity. It breaks my heart that its not always in the time frame we want or happens how we imagined. Its frustrating. I wish I could say something to make others feel better. I wish I knew what to say.
I am so lucky- looking back- that it only took us 3 rounds of IUI to get pregnant. There are people that do it over and over, move onto other options and still nothing. When you are in the middle of it, every day- every week- every negative test seems like it will never happen. That you might never have kids. Everyone seems to be pregnant or has kids that's around you and it seems like you are the only one who isn't.
When someone like me- a big ol ready to pop pregnant chic comes and says--
oh it will happen- it just will!
You probably want to punch me in the face.
I get it.
and I wish I could say something else that would help you feel better but the reality is there really isnt.
Its not fair and its frustrating.
I wish these kinds of struggles didn't exist. I guess there is a plan or a reason... yada yada...
In the past, the only thing that pissed me more than all those people who didn't have a child die. or those fertile murtles who got pregnant just thinking about it. or those couples who could have a kid without some random sperm donor... was anyone who didn't understand how lucky they were to have kids, to be pregnant or to have the ability to get pregnant.
It seemed to help me not be so bitter towards others when I could see they were thankful for what they had and that they understood not everyone else is that lucky.
I guess thats my point. I just want to express how grateful I am to be pregnant. To have this little boy. To have the chance to be a Mom again. My heart is consistently overflowing with gratitude. Without T even being here I have found a whole new level of happiness, hope, joy and love.

(and to clear a little something up, those irrational bitter feelings toward others who had kids or whatever, I hardly feel them anymore. progress people-- progress!)

I often think about who I was just 2 years ago. Months after losing Makenzie. I think about how low those times were and how I thought I would never be able to smile like I once did. I thought about loving someone else even close to how much I love Makenzie and it was just impossible. I couldn't even float the idea because it was just insane. There was no way.
Now here I sit. Falling more and more inlove with this little boy rolling around in my tummy. Dreaming of what he will look like. Imagining who he will grow to be. and I just smile. Its not forced. Its not something I am doing to hide being so incredibly sad. I never imagined being in this place today.

Is life perfect? no. There is not a day that goes by that I don't miss Makenzie. There is not a moment I don't wonder how life would be with her here. I would have a 3 year old. I can only imagine the spunky personality that would fill our home. I can only imagine the incredible amount of joy and laughs we would share on a daily basis. and when I think about that my heart still hurts. I still have moments of anger because she was taken from us. I still have moments were I just cant imagine putting another foot forward and breathing one more breathe because it hurts so much. but when there are those moments. I am able to pull myself out of them so much easier. I am able to imagine my 3 year old girl running with Jesus. I am able to thank her for giving me the life she did and teaching me everything she has. I am able to look at myself and make sure I am doing everything I can to join her in heaven one day. I am able to look at my ability to love and make a little mental note to savor every second I get with TKW. That whatever amount of life I get with him- will not be long enough. and that I need to make sure and tell him how much I love him everyday. Hold him as much as possible. Smell him. tickle him. stare at him. kiss him. and make sure he knows without a doubt how thankful I am for his life. because there is no guarantees. I don't know what will be in store for us and for him and I cant let a moment go by that I might regret.

I wish I would have done a better job of Thanking Makenzie when she was here. before she got sick. Thanking her for choosing me and Ryan. Thanking her for working so hard to stay with us as long as she did. and ensuring that she knew just how much we love her.

I cant believe how much life has changed.
I cant believe what life has become.
I wish I could go back in time and prepare myself for what is to come, give myself a little advice.

High school Kendra---
You need to stop rushing life. Enjoy what you have. The people around you. You are blessed to have these friends. You are lucky to have an amazing support system. Try harder not to hurt others along the way. Be honest. You not telling the whole truth can hurt more than just telling someone everything. Life is going to come really really fast- its not going to be everything you imagine, but you will have some amazing things to show for it. You will learn more than you could ever expect to learn. You will go through things you cant even dream of now. but don't worry to much. You will have someone standing by your side to help you through it. Work hard to find what you truly believe. Stop waiting for everyone around you to make those decisions. Learn who God is for you. Learn what you honestly believe in your heart and don't worry so much about it fitting into any certain mold. It will save you a lot of heartache to just get that figured out and to be proud of what you have found for yourself. and then your relationship to God- will be what you want it to be. and you will feel more peace than you could imagine. Don't expect things to fall into place. You will need to work for what you want and you will need to look for happiness. Don't blame the world or others for things not going the right way- you make your life what it is.

Newlywed Kendra---
Wow you sure rushed that. Why in the world did you think you had to get married now or never? You think you know your husband but you really have no idea. You need to stop thinking you know all about life and take a step back. Listen to those around you. Learn from their mistakes. Take life one day at a time and stop trying to rush it. Lucky for you- you chose right with your husband. It might take a couple years for you to really believe that but just have faith. Stay close to him. Stop trying to change him and just let him be who he is. He will surprise you. Don't be so jealous. He married you. Let the little things go. Stop picking fights. Don't make him feel like he isn't doing enough. Continue to talk to him. Don't feel like you have to hide your feelings but listen to what he is saying as well. You are both different people that came from different worlds. Its not going to work overnight. You have a long road ahead- a road that I don't think will ever be complete. You will work on the 2 of you forever. Ryan will learn. You will learn. You both need to make some changes and you both will.
Work hard at building your friendship as well as your marriage. They are different. They are equally important and you will be happier if you listen to this advice. You and Ryan have a rocky road in your future but know that in order to get through it- you will have to do it together. Don't push him away and do your best to be there for him as well.
Something to think about and look forward to...
You could never imagine the love you will have for this man. Its kind of crazy. You are so lucky.
Don't take him for granted.

New Mom Kendra---
Isn't this the most amazing feeling ever? Hold onto it. Soak up every minute of her. Smell her, kiss her, hold her. Don't worry so much about making sure she is well rounded and on a set schedule. It will come. Just enjoy her. Enjoy every little thing she is doing. Listen to your instincts more. Make sure you don't settle for an answer when it comes to her. If you don't feel right about it- don't leave, don't hang up, keep asking. You are her voice and it doesn't matter who you might offend- she is your child and you need to make sure she is okay. Don't be so hard on Ryan for not always doing everything perfect. They have their own bond and you have no idea how much they love each other. Enjoy watching them together more. Be patient with him. He is learning too. Just because he does something his way- doesn't mean its a wrong way- he can teach you a thing or 2 about that girl as well. After all she will smile and laugh for him first. He must have something pretty amazing going on. Makenzie sees it.
When things get really hard. Trust in your decisions. Know you are making the right ones. You are being the most selfless you have ever been. You and Ryan are putting her first. You are listening to your baby. She is telling you what you need to know. Its hard. Its not fair. but its happening. Hold on because the next part is the hardest.

Life after Makenzie Kendra---
You never thought you could hurt so much did you? You never thought you could miss someone so much. You are on a roller coaster and you might never get off. You might feel okay some moments but completely crash the next. When people say silly comments you can ignore them. Don't take them to heart. They just don't know what to say. They want to help but they haven't been through this. They don't get it. Give them a break. Anger toward others is not what you need to waste your time doing. Hold onto Ryan. He is the only person who understands this pain. He lost her to. Do more things for him. Make sure he knows you love him and you are proud of him. Don't feel like you need to rush your pain. Don't feel your grief is wrong. Your baby died. You will never get over this. You will never get her back. Your life is forever changed and you shouldn't be feeling anything other than what you are feeling. Don't be so afraid to have a day to not get out of bed. Don't do it often but it is okay to have those days every so often. and don't let anyone make you feel bad about it. Keep moving. If you stand still- you will fall and its harder to get up when you fall.
Don't give up. Don't worry so much about what everyone else is saying. Don't let hurt feelings distract you from what you need to be focusing on. Don't think just because everyone is here now they will be forever. Its sucks but that's how it goes. People will be there for the storm but leave when its over. The ones that are still there- they are the ones worth holding onto forever. Instead of getting upset or hurt about it, just accept it and move on. Thank the ones that have never left.
You will soon find you get into a bad habit of spending money to get a moment of immediate happiness.
Try to watch this. It will put you in a place you don't really want to be. Luckily you will realize it before its too late but work on finding that immediate happiness in something else.
Don't wait so long to go to counseling.
Don't be afraid to tell people you need help.
Be proud of yourself everyday. You survived.
This road is hard.
You will have many other struggles thrown your way over the next couple years but just go into that pink room. Remember what you created. Remember what you lost. and remember that you have already survived the hardest part of life. You can now make it through whatever else comes your way.

I wish I could tell you something to make you feel better but there just is not. Know there is nothing to make this pain go away or anything that can be said to make you feel better. All you can do is let time happen. Hold on and do your best to make it through another moment. We don't live on years, months, days, hours or minutes. We live by seconds. Get through another second. Get through another breath. You are going to go through the absolute worst pain you could imagine. and it gets worse. Get through the first year. After that- there are better moments. Get through the second year. and you will be surprised where you are. As much as you find it impossible. You will smile a real smile again. You will find love and you will find joy. Makenzie will never be far from you. Stop worrying about forgetting her. You will be shocked how no one will forget her. She is forever apart of your family and the ones closest to you- they wont forget either. and sometimes when you need it most- you will have reminders that she is everywhere. They usually come from your nieces or nephews. at least up to this point. We will see where they come from when her little brother is born. That's right. You will be pregnant again. It wont be in the way you think but it will happen. You will have hard days during this pregnancy but you will have amazing days to. You wont believe how much more you will enjoy this pregnancy than you did with Makenzie. You will be amazed how much you love Ryan. He will continue to amaze you. Take life more slowly. Do your best to serve others. You will have some of your best days when you make someone else smile. Work hard to make a difference.

There is so much I could tell myself at each stage of life.
Sometimes it would have been nice to have a little warning or a little-- hey you will be okay--
but I guess the learning along the way is what makes us who we are.
I wonder what I will tell myself today a year from now.


~Erin said...

What an amazing post. I have to say that this one really touched me. I have been a follower for some time now and dont post comments hardly ever but just wanted to give you a virtual hug today and to say you have been such an inspiration to me and I look up to you and all your strength. I cant wait for the you to hold baby T and give him all that love.
Thank you for always being honest and letting us all see your true heart.

Jen from MN said...

Kendra, thank you. I have an SMA son that I will outlive. Thank you. Thank you. Jen

Auntie EM said...

I think we learn the most lessons when things are hard....I'm not sure why that is but it is. I have learned so much this past four years. The most important lesson is that yes, I will be ok and I learned how much I need my family. They are everything to me and I don't know where I would be without them. My mom used to say "it will be ok" a lot and she had such a great attitude about life and was someone I looked up to because she had such a sweetnest about her but a toughness that belied her inner strength. I think you are strong too, probably a lot more than you thought possible. Remember how much you are loved, and how much Ryan, Kenzie and T are loved too. Can't wait to see him!!! Yeah

Lisa F said...

So beautiful!

letty said...

Omg that was beautiful it's crazy that you wrote this post today because just a little while ago I was talking to my son about when he grows up and how he's going to wish he had known what he will in the future and I had him listen to the song Letter To Me from Brad Paisley. God bless you and your family Kendra:) I know this little baby boy will bring ya'll so much happiness and when you feel sad about that precious little angel don't feel bad because no matter what, there's nobody that can ever take her place <3<3

Jill said...

I am one of those people that never had any children and I know how hard it is. I will say this it does get easier, I am very elated every time there is a miracle pregnancy. I don't cry for what might have been, I know that this is my life and I am loved, I am so happy for you to have this chance.

Enjoy every minute and know what a miracle it is. Good luck with this precious little one and thanks for sharing your journey.

Jill said...

I am one of those people that never had any children and I know how hard it is. I will say this it does get easier, I am very elated every time there is a miracle pregnancy. I don't cry for what might have been, I know that this is my life and I am loved, I am so happy for you to have this chance.

Enjoy every minute and know what a miracle it is. Good luck with this precious little one and thanks for sharing your journey.

Cee said...

Hi Kendra,

This has really touched me and I can relate to you on so many levels. I've sent you an email, I hope I got the right email address.



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