Miss Her.

I miss her.
I miss her more than and more all the time.
How is it possible to continue hurting this much?
I look through her pictures... over and over... I look at her eyes. her sweet sweet face. and there are times I have to remind myself that she was real. That she was here. In my arms. She was alive.
I cant believe she was mine. I cant believe I created her with Ryan. I cant believe I was her Mom.
and now I am 9 days away from meeting her brother. 9 days. I want her here. I want to be a mom of 2. I want to be soaking up my last moments with 1 baby before the next one comes.
Its still so hard.
I keep thinking things will just be okay. Things will get easier.
I think life in general and the ability to live has gotten easier.
but when it comes to her. when it comes to anything that pertains to my little girl. there is nothing easy about it. i miss her more than i can even put into words.
I have missed so much of her life. I have missed so much of who she would be today.
In my mind the only thing I can think is that she has pretty much frozen in time. She hasn't aged at all and when I die I will be greeted by my beautiful 4 month little girl. Then Ryan and I will get another chance to raise her in heaven.
I have had people tell me that's not what they believe but I don't care. I have to believe what I can in order to make this all a little more bearable.
I miss her.
I am scared to forget more and more. I am so worried she will not understand how much I love her.
I hate that her brother will not know her. He wont miss her. He wont be able to have memories with his sister. I hate that she isn't here.
I wish I could feel her more. I wish would dream of her. I pray everyday. over and over. that she is happy. That she is having a good day. That she knows how much her Mum and Dad love and miss her.
I pray I never will know this pain with baby T. I pray he isn't taken from me.

25 on the 25th

I used to think 25 was old. You are in your mid twenties now and you are only 5 years away from the big 30! eek. Now that I have finally reached such a milestone in my life--- Its not that old at all. At least I don't feel any older. I always wondered what I would feel like after I graduated high school, then what I would feel like married, then what I would feel like after becoming a Mom. I guess I always imagined I would 'feel' older. 25 is still so young. and I still feel so young. I feel like I have so much to learn and experience in life that everything is really just beginning. Its exciting yet intimidating. So far life has been wonderful but hard. I worry about all the other hard things that will come up in the future and pray they don't get much worse than what has already happened. I am anxious for all the wonderful things that are still to come. I imagine how I will be in 2 weeks. Mum to baby #2. Mum to a little boy. Mum to our first child after our first died. Who will that person be? Will she feel any different than I do today? I can say I know how lucky I am. I am only 25 and have been able to experience a lot of things most don't get to in their entire life. I have learned a lot of lessons already that are helping me understand life better. I have been blessed with amazing people around me. I have had great opportunities. I am growing. I am learning something new everyday and I am closer to God than I have ever been. I have a unique relationship with him. One that is right for me but probably not for everyone.
I am thankful for the path he has paved for me. As bumpy and rocky as some parts have been- there have been some incredible views along the way and I wouldn't change them for the world.

My birthday always falls around inventory time at Ryans work. Usually we work any birthday celebration around him and it usually is never on my actual birthday. This year was all over the place. First he was going to have inventory the day before my birthday and then leave early Saturday morning (my actual bday) for the cabin to start his long hunting trip. Then he was going to stay here that morning and leave in the afternoon. Then he was needed at work longer so he would be working all day Friday, Saturday and Sunday and wouldn't leave until late Sunday for the cabin. Pretty much every scenario left me without him on my birthday. and honestly. the only thing I wanted was him so I was a little sad but know the drill so its no surprise. BUT lucky for me. He always does his best to make this time of year special for me and does his best to be here. He ended up working all day Friday- late into the night. I went to dinner at my Mom and Jesse's who made a yummy seafood Alfredo pasta dish. We enjoyed talking and visiting with my little brother and his wife since they are temporarily staying with them (did I mention they moved back to Utah from Cali? woohoo. happy to have them around more)
I didn't feel like going home so I asked if they wanted to go see a movie with me. We ended up seeing Hope Springs. Seriously such a funny show that every married couple can relate to. No matter if you have been married a few years or 30. I would recommend it. We had a good time but I have to say it was a little awkward sitting between my mom and her husband and my little brother and his wife watching this show. Once you see it, you will understand.
After the movie I called Ryan who had gone to his friends house to have their traditional after inventory celebration. Which is pretty much a bunch of guys sitting around drinking. He had me pick him up and left right before midnight. He had fun ringing in the first moments of my birthday with me in the car.
He then worked that morning and I hung at home and cleaned. Exciting right?!
I didn't expect he would be home until later but to my surprise he arrived home around 1 with a Dr. Pepper and flowers. Love that man. We hung out for a few hours and then went to dinner with Ryan's family. Its Ryans moms birthday a few days after mine so we were celebrating for 2. We went to Tepanyaki and enjoyed a very yummy dinner.
That night we did what I love best and snuggled and watched tv.
I was so happy with nothing but those moments with Ryan.
Great day.
Ryan did end up working Sunday as well so he wasn't able to leave for the cabin until late. but he made it there! I waited until after midnight to hear he made it up the mountain safely. I always get so nervous.

I have done this before and it was kind of fun to look back on and see how things change. For the big 25 here are 25 random facts about me.

- I am kind of obsessed with chalk board paint. I love it. I love to put it on anything and turn something boring into something fun. I love to use it for labels especially.

- If there is anything in this world that I cant have enough of that would be nail polish.

- I love when my fingers are painted but they never stay on long. I have a bad habit of biting my fingernails and the polish when its on there so it rarely gets done.

- I have a love/hate relationship with getting flowers. I love to get them because they are so pretty but I hate when they die and I hate when I end up killing them faster than I should because I am horrible with any kind of plant.

- Ryan got me a big fancy camera last year and I have yet to learn how to use it. I thought it would be so simple and something that I could just take out of the box and snap pictures all day long and they would magically turn out amazing. I really need to learn the dang thing because my iphone camera will only take such good quality of pictures and I need great quality pictures for this little boy.

- I vacuum a few times a week and would do it everyday if I had the time.

- I hate any kind of reptile.

- I love me some reality TV but lately cant find the time to watch it. When I do actually sit down to watch something I get annoyed how dumb it is and end up fast forwarding most of it. but I still crave it. 

- I have never craved soda like I have during this pregnancy. Root beer or Dr. Pepper. I'm obsessed. but I don't like them out of a bottle I need a fountain drink. They taste totally different. I have not let myself indulge more than once a week if that. I try really hard to go a couple weeks without a drink but lets face it. The bigger I get the more excuses I make to treat myself.

- I am finding myself searching flights and hotels a lot lately. Not that we will be going on any vacations anytime soon. I dream of the ocean. I dream of Ireland. I dream of a cruise. I even dream of Las Vegas. I am itching for a little getaway and somehow searching how expensive everything is and seeing really how out of the budget it is makes me feel better. Go figure.

- I already know what elementary school TK will go to. I am very concerned about his education and finding a place that is well rounded and will give him as many opportunities as possible. It maybe a little spendy so we have already started a savings account for it.

- I cant wait for Fall. I am so done with summer. I love everything about fall. I have started a Fall check list of things I want to do before winter. Its rather long. Somethings will be near impossible to do with a newborn but whatever. I am holding back decorating until after TK arrives. I figure that will be close enough I guess. I have already bought his Halloween costume and a bag of candy corn. The day pumpkin lattes come out I will be first in line. Oh the sweetness of fall.

- Even though we have decided we will not be moving for a couple years I am dreaming of what I want for our next house almost daily. There are things I love about our townhouse but there are a lot of things I want different. I never realized how important cupboard space is.

- I hate yard work. Ryan loves it. All he talks about when we think about our next place is that he wants a big yard and a huge garden. All I think about is how that will never happen unless he is in charge of all of it 100%. I hated mowing the lawn and picking weeds growing up and have continued to despise that task. I put it off as long as possible and our flower bed is TINY. I have nothing to complain about but I hate it all the same.

- I have such a hard time decorating. I change my mind so much. I see all these super cute decorating ideas on pinterest and never seem to get my house to look like any of that. I want something that is calming, easily done, unique/different, has character and detail but is not overwhelming. I like the look of random items put together but that all match in someway and flow. 

- I hate crusts. I never eat them. On bread, rolls, pizza-- anything...

- My new color obsession is grey.

- One of my biggest pet peeves is when parents ignore their kids especially in public. 

- My favorite food lately has been spaghetti. I cant get enough of it.

- I only get my hair done twice a year.

- I love Caramel Frappuccinos

- I am completely obsessed with my nieces and nephews. I hope I can stay close to them the rest of my life. They make me so happy.

- One of my most favorite things is getting random calls or text messages from Ryan just to say I love you.

- I am so ready to be done being pregnant but the thought of him actually being here so soon scares the crap out of me. I cant wait to meet him but all I think of is that I am just not ready :)

- I never take a nap. There are days I feel like I could totally use one but always feel like there is so much else that needs to be done. Ryan on the other hand- HAS to take a nap daily. 

Growing Belly

Its amazing how much your body changes when you are growing a baby.

I remember thinking how huge I was in those first few pictures. Guess I forgot how much bigger you end up getting. There is always so much pressure put into appearance. You would think during pregnancy there would be some kind of break and you wouldn't stress so much about what you look like, the weight you gain or what you eat but I have to say I have. If anyone else says how big they are or how much they have gained I am always quick to assure them that they look great and that you cant compare yourself to others because every body grows different. Maybe I should listen to my own advice. I see these tiny cute prego girls that look like they stuck a basketball under their shirt and get a little jealous. I see my growing thighs, growing arms, growing face, growing hips and totally get down on myself. I have had many times I hate looking at myself in the mirror. I have been much better this pregnancy than with Makenzie about telling myself its not about what I look like compared to others its about how I take care of myself and this little baby. He is whats important. Making sure I am doing everything I can to keep him healthy and growing. If that means my body takes a nose dive- than so be it. He is totally worth it. Just like Kenzie is. I cried many many days when I would notice a stretch mark. I still hate the sight of them but they are nothing to be ashamed of. They are what come with the blessings. Every pregnancy is different. I have grown so much different with this pregnancy than with Makenzies. I retained a lot more water with her and she gave me my stretch marks. This boy hasn't given me any new stretch marks and I haven't retained water near as bad but my boobs have grown more than I ever thought possible, my back hurts worse than it did with Makenzie and my butt has even gotten bigger which it didn't with Kenzie. Every baby is different, every experience is different and every ending is different. I am thankful my body can do what it needs to do in order to get my children here. I am thankful for those flaws because they remind me of the path we walked to get the joy we now have. I am so close to meeting TK. Its not close enough but its coming soon. I cant wait to see him. I cant wait to kiss him and I cant wait to have all the joy I have been aching to have for years. 

37 weeks down... 2-3 weeks to go...

I cant wait for the rest of our lives.

13 weeks

14 Weeks

15 Weeks

16 Weeks

17 Weeks

19 Weeks

22 Weeks

23 Weeks

25 Weeks

26 Weeks

27 Weeks

28 Weeks

29 Weeks

30 Weeks

32 Weeks

34 Weeks

36 Weeks

37 Weeks - Full Term

How far along? 37 Weeks
Clothes? I thought I hated clothes before. I really hate them lately. Nothing is comfy. Leggings and long shirts are the only thing that makes me somewhat happy.
Best moment this week: Getting the majority of TK's room done, crossing off a lot of to-do items and spending time with my Ryan.
Not so good moment of the week: Not feeling good. Horrible aches and pains. Little sleep and having to say goodbye to Ryan...
Miss Anything? Being able to move around with ease.
Movement: He moves a ton but is sure running out of space and I can feel it.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Eating. I am back to the everything makes me nauseous stage.
Gender: Boy
Symptoms: Back is killing me, pelvis hurts like hell, I am having bad contractions but nothing regular, sleep is almost non-existent. I am exhausted all day and could sleep all day but there is no sleeping at night. I don't get it.
Emotions: I have been more emotional with the thought of Ryan leaving me for his hunting trip than anything. I am still having some serious separation anxiety from him. As for the baby- I am so excited. I cant wait until he gets here.
Looking forward to: Getting this week over with. I cant wait for next week. I cant wait to see Ryan. and then being just days away from meeting our son. There is so much to look forward to. So much good coming our way. I cant believe we are in this place. So close.
Full term! I am so thankful to have made it this far. 
I am so thankful to be this close to welcoming our son into our lives. 
I cant wait. 

Weekly Appointments

Went to the doctor Wednesday.
The whole night before I was seriously wondering if I was going to go into labor soon. I have been so uncomfortable, feeling extremely nauseous and started having some contractions that were going into my back. I have been so nervous about something going wrong with this baby the entire pregnancy and have spent a few days/nights crying until I could feel him move. So before going into my appointment I was terrified something like my fluid levels would be too low so they would rush me into a delivery room and he would be here right then. I know that's not really how it would go but my mind is rather extreme. So anyway at this appointment I was scheduled to do a NST and an AFI. Then go upstairs to get an ultrasound and then have my regular checkup with my OB. Now I haven't had any problems with this pregnancy so there was no real need to have these done but my OB is awesome and he has seen how anxious I have been throughout this pregnancy and how the last couple appointments I ask about a million questions regarding--- what if--- scenarios. So my last appointment he said- lets put all of our minds at ease and do these tests.
I ended up being more nervous going in for these tests than I thought I would be. I guess I am just waiting for something to go wrong. Its hard to just sit back and have faith things will be fine and TK will be just fine.
Well I started with the NST and AFI.
My level was a 10 which was fine. They want it between 10 and 20 or 30 I think.... either way I was fine and the nurse said it fluctuates all the time as the baby is breathing and swallowing so there was nothing to be worried about. During the NST they want the baby's heart rate to increase and decrease at least twice. Meaning he would be moving at least twice. Well he passed with flying colors. He moves all the time especially lately when my hand or something is resting on my belly so with those monitors he was going wild. They ended up monitoring me for almost an hour because they were busy with some other mums-to-be but I was totally fine with that. Listening to baby's heart beat was amazing.
After that test was done I made my way upstairs to get an ultrasound.
It was so fun to see T so big. He was sucking on his hands. The ultra sound tech was so surprised how much hair she could see. She kept going back showing us. She doubled checked and assured us HE was definitely a HE. There was no question. He gave us some nice clear shots. She said he is measuring right on track and estimates he currently weighs 6lbs 6oz. She said the weight is not totally accurate so give or take some from that but also remember I still have 3-4 weeks until he gets here. I am thinking he might be a little bigger than my 6lb baby girl.
They did a 3D pic of his cutie little face. The cord was in the way so its not the best but it was still pretty cool to see his little facial features already.
After the ultrasound I was headed to my regular checkup.
My OB is seriously amazing. He is so good about always making sure I am doing okay both emotionally and physically and understands why I am such a crazy nut and always calms my fears. Sometimes he will laugh at the silly things I come up with to ask but he makes sure I walk out without a doubt in my head for that moment :)
I guess this little boy has started leveling out size wise. I am not measuring 2 weeks ahead any longer. He is still head down and shoving his head into my pelvis. I am dilated to a 1 but not thinned at all. So it looks like Ryan is still good to go hunting all next week. I don't think baby will be making his appearance real soon. I go back next week and we will see how things look. Ryan is ready to jump in the car and speed home if necessary but I am really hoping this boy waits until his Dad gets his little man-cation in. He needs it. and I still have a long list of to-do's that I want to get done.
So things are looking good. TKW is growing great. I am still extremely nervous every other minute that something might happen but I'm trying to relax.

gone

and its gone.

remember how we sold our last truck last year because it was all brand new and rather spendy and we were trying to cut back in order to prepare for a family. knowing no matter what we did it would involve a lot of money and we needed to rearrange our priorities.

well we sold the other truck- shed a few tears when we said goodbye- and found this much older but did the job truck. the monthly payment was a fraction of what the last one was so we thought this would be perfect and we could get it payed off quick. well one thing after another kept coming up and after months we were not seeing any benefit of selling the new truck and buying the old truck. 

there was one problem after another.

thousands were dumped into this thing.

i was so upset. i thought we were doing the right thing but then it didn't feel like it.

after a few long months and one problem after another. everything got fixed.

well we ended up liking the dang thing for a while. and it ended up being the right move.

thank god.

but now the right move is to sell it.

we thought about it long and hard. kind of drug our feet listing it, mainly because we just didn't know if this was the best thing to do once again.

but the day we listed it. it sold.

and i kind of took that as a good sign.

we are down to 1 car for a bit. not long. and another truck will be parked in our drive.

we were actually not sad one bit to see it go.

it was good for the time being but we are happy to move on. 

the one thing i am extra happy about- the new truck has 4 doors and doesn't have a 6" lift so getting a baby seat in and out will not be near as difficult. 

Harley

Right before Makenzie was born I was so afraid I wouldn't love her enough. 

I worried I would love our Harley more than her. Silly silly thought :)

Ryan still makes fun of me for that one. I blame it on pregnancy brain. Not thinking clearly.

I was also nervous Harley and the baby wouldn't adjust well to each other. I worried what if Harley was left alone in a room with her what she would do. I was panicked for a few days after bringing Kenzie home but it wasn't long before those girls fell in love with each other. Harley adored Makenzie. It was really cute. She knew not to lick her anywhere other than her feet. She would lay next to Kenzie on the floor or on the ottoman and snuggle up to her. Harley would get up with me when Kenzie cried at night and was always so worried when she would make a peep.

When Kenzie got sick and we were at the hospital she would lay in front of her door for hours and hours. She was depressed. After I got home she wouldn't leave my side. In just the last few months I have been a little worried about how Harley will do when this baby comes. I honestly am not too worried. Harley loves babies and is super gentle with them. Its when they get a little bigger she doesn't understand they cant play like a big kid and can be a little too rough.

I find it funny that she has been even more clingy lately. I think she knows there is a big change coming. I have been giving her extra attention and she has been soaking it all up.

This girl is the funniest dog ever.

Ryan and I are both a little obsessed.

Pocatello

Since this last weekend was the opening of the hunt and Ryan wouldn't be anywhere but in his tree stand up wayy to high for my liking waiting for that perfect buck... I decided to head out of town myself for one last little getaway before this boy makes his appearance.

So the boy and I loaded up the car and took off for Idaho.

The trip was great. Very relaxing and a lot of fun. It was the twins 2nd birthday on Monday so they let me help celebrate a little with gifts, a day at the lake and lots and lots of birthday snuggles.

Misty treated me to my birthday present and took me to get a pedicure. Oh it was heaven.

I didn't take many pictures at all.

I tried to just love on these 3 kids as much as possible.

It all ended far to quickly.

I was happy to be headed home to my Ryan. I always miss him so much.

It was crazy to say goodbye knowing the next time we see them there will be a little baby to add to the mix. Oh the nerves are kicking into high gear.