Monday, November 21, 2011

The Big Missing

feeling completely empty.
good lord.
the hot/cold chills.

Do you ever get something in your mind and you have to do it. No matter what you wont stop until its done? That's me. Last night I realized I had never gone the hospital pictures and did the little editing I try to do. So of course once that got in my mind I couldn't get it out. So I stayed up till the wee hours of the morn finishing that. Literally I thought I was going to die before I finished them.  I have never looked at her pictures and wanted them to end.  I kept looking at how many were left.... 356.... 223... 113... 35... 3... I couldn't believe how much it hurt. I felt incredibly empty. I felt heavy and weak. I kept shaking and just doing the minimum just to hurry and get through them. I kept thinking I should stop but realized if I stop I would have to start again.  so I just kept going. Every picture made me think of something else. Every picture reminded me. Every picture took my breath away. I cant believe how much I miss her.  I guess I thought over time it would become less painful. I now know I was wrong. There is nothing easy or less painful. I want her. I am so tired of waiting. When I went through her pictures I could feel her skin. I could smell her. I could see the details that I tend to forget.
I used every last bit of energy to finish going through those pictures then went to bed. I woke up around 4 am and realized there was a picture that I didn't edit. I almost jumped up right then to find it which must have been buried somewhere. I held off until Ryan got up and began the search. I was a bit nervous to find more and have to go through all of that again. I got out every memory card and back up hard drive and began my search. I found over 200 more photos.  Most of them were blurry but I couldn't delete them.  So I think I have officially found each and every hospital photo and have them in 1 place.  I have been through everyone of them and fixed them as much as possible. (I need real photo editing software-- someday)
So now I am sitting here and cant get up. I am so exhausted.
My heart rate is going down and I'm not shaking as bad. My stomach is starting to settle and I'm just trying to keep my mind busy.  The moment I stop all I can do is picture her. I go back to those days. I have those still memories of holding her, kissing her, hanging over that crib bar trying to calm her.  I cant believe all of this really happened. That I was a Mom. That I had a daughter. That my whole world was her and now... I am just here. Almost like it was a dream.  Everyday is another day a huge part of me is missing. Everywhere I look she is there. I don't want to get away from it. But it hurts. I don't want to push the thought of her out of my head. I feel so guilty. But I feel like I have to in order to function.

I hate coming home to an empty house.
I hate not having a little someone to wake up to.
I hate the feeling of being a mom with no one here.
I want to make her meals.
I want to play on the floor all day.
I want to watch Disney Jr. all day.
I want to give her baths.
I want to kiss her face off.
I want to chase her around the house.
I want to read to her.

Oh please God help me. I know life is still moving. I know ill see her again. But I need your help today.


I used to rub her every single day. I would massage her legs and back and tummy and arms.  I would rub on lotion. I would tickle her little feet and knees. When I would rub her legs she would stretch them out as straight as they would go.  She loved it. I loved her smell. I loved the feel of her skin. I was in love with the LITTLE roll on her thigh. It was so perfect. The only hint of chub this girl ever had. I loved when her belly started to fill out again in the hospital. No matter what she was doing she had to have something in her mouth. Usually her hands. I want to reach through this picture and grab my muffin.


Shawna said...

Aww Kendra, those pictures and words bring me to tears. I hurt for you though I cannot even begin to imagine the hurt you must feel. I'm so sorry honey. I pray for you. I pray that even in your tears you will always remember this is not the end -- for Makenzie or for you; she will be with you again someday. I pray that you cling to that promise and to God. Hold Him dear, trust in Him, listen for his guiding, and hang in there. Those are my prayers for you.

Robin said...

Praying for you always Kendra. I so badly want to help, but I know there is nothing I can do to make you hurt less. I am so sorry you have to go through painful days and nights. I can only pray that you feel God's love surround you and He is able to comfort you. Ask Him for help and comfort...He will be faithful. Your sweet Makenzie is so beautiful! What a perfect little girl!

HOPE said...

I love you Kendra, you can get through this! You are my hero, and I just know with all my heart that little Kenzie is with you always!

caseyp said...

Oh sweet Girl my heart breaks for you!!!! I hope you find some strength and rest in these very hard and trying times... Keep fighting!!! YOU CAN DO HARD THINGS!!!!!!! YOU can do it!!!!!!!!!! I wish i could hold you and make it ALL better!!A BIG huge hug from South Carloina!!!

Melica and Aaron said...

I feel your aching. Although I have looked at my sweet Hailey's pictures, I have not done much with them. I can't imagine what a task that must have been for you. Makenzie is beautiful. I hope that the Lord answers your prayers today and fills the emptiness so that it is at least bearable. --Melica (Hailey's mom)

Emma said...

I can't even imagine what going through those pics was like, seeing her, missing her....I am sorry you have to feel that way and I hope you feel a wave of peace, a wave of love wash over you quickly. I know there is no true peace until you hold her again, but I hope you can feel her, feel her love with you, loving you just as you do her. Hugs, prayers and strength always, Em

HOPE said...

Kendra, this may seem odd, but I read your blog all the time, and for some reason I have been on here about 5 times today, just staring at Kenzie. Then just now I scrolled down to her NILMDTS picture, and realized my baby TODAY is 4 months, 3 weeks and 4 days old. Its been an emotional day for me, (not sure why) but I think its because I feel like Mckenzie has touched me today. Just wanted to share, I hope your day is brightening up....

Julie said...

I'm so very sorry - I'm sitting here with a lump in my throat and tears streaming down my face (thank goodness all of my students have left). No mother should feel the paing you're feeling.

Presley & Charlotte Gleason said...

I love seeing her personality through these pictures! Hand in mouth, all stretched out, her big expressive eyes! Mackenzie is BEAUTIFUL!!!

Dean and Rachel said...

She is beautiful! Praying for you!!

Lisa F said...

The pictures are beautiful; but your readers need to know they just don't do her justice. Those eyes!!!!

Anonymous said...

Kendra... Oh the heart of a mother. No mommy should have to yearn for her baby like this. No one. I know this sounds odd but through your words I can feel your pain, as much as another mother who's not been in your situation can. My heart hurts for you. Your baby is beautiful, I love the chub, and her gorgeous knowing eyes. Big hug. Keep writing. It is probably so good to get your feelings out and just really support other mommas who may be going though a similar loss. Much love.

Kennedy Klan said...

My heart aches for you, I so badly wish that no one in this world would ever have to endure this kind of pain you are in. I can only imagine the pain you must feel. I know when I seen Makenzies pictures on your post my chest became so heavy, my heart began to race and the tears started to stream down my face. She is so beautiful Kendra, her little eyes have such an extra special sparkle to them. What a blessing she is and an even greater blessing for you to be able to say, "she is my daughter" :) I believe god sent her to you because he knew you were the best of mom for this sweet little girl. You are always in my prayers and your strength amazes me. cherish these pictures and feel Makenzies love and comfort tonight, this I pray for you.

Ronja said...

Your words have me crying. I don't know you or Mackenzie, but have followed your Blog for a while. I really hope that the hurt will stop One Day and that you will be able to focus on your happy times together, even though that time was much too short.

brigette said...

Well written as usual Kendra! Those pictures brought tears to me eyes. I wanted to grab her out of my computer so I could bring her to you! Your an amazing mama. What a beautiful girl Kenzie is. Much love!

Toni ~ Mom to 8 heavenly Angels and 1 earthly Angel. said...

Lots of ((hugs)) for me it hasn’t taken the pain away looking at my 4 children I have buried, makes my arms and heart ache even more. BUT at least I do have those few pictures of them. Keep them safe, I keep all mine in one place, some call me weird (I call myself crazy, come on now, I am, I have buried 4 children, 3 within 50 weeks of each other, so I am crazy) but in case of fire or anything I KNOW where they are and they go out first. ((Hugs)) I'm sorry but the ache and longing never go away, it becomes part of our "New Normal".


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