Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Making it past that day.


We have officially made it to 5 months.
Its been nearly 4 years since we had our first baby and this is the first time we can say we have a 5 month old. Its so crazy. Its so amazing. This week- the week he was the same age as Makenzie the day she died was really hard. I had an extremely hard day. Thank goodness for my sweet friend who kept my mind busy but it was so hard otherwise. I couldn't stop squeezing Tracker and just hurting because I missed Makenzie and being so thankful he is here and healthy. I tried not to pay attention to the clock but somehow that's all I could think of and when it was 5:25 pm I felt like I just couldn't breathe. I couldn't believe how bad my heart hurt. I just stood there. Holding my son. Imagining losing her. Missing her. Realizing just minutes after that I never got this with her. 
I was officially in a part of life with him that I never got with her. 
I just felt him breath. I smelled him. I kissed him. I couldn't take my eyes off of him.
It was the most incredible feeling on one hand and one of the most painful feelings on the other.
Through all of this grief. Through all of this heartache.
There has never been a time I have been so happy and so sad in the same moment.
I didn't even feel it this extreme when Tracker was born.
It was such a hard feeling.
So confusing.
My mind and my heart didn't know what was going on.
I kept feeling like it was an end to something with Makenzie. It was the end of her being his "older" sister. It was the end of comparing what she was doing at this point to what he is doing. It was the end of what my entire life was before this moment. It was the end of picture comparisons. It was the end of video of her vs. him. It just felt like the end in a lot of ways.

but then it felt like a whole new beginning with Tracker. It was the beginning of a life with him that was not consistently compared to his sister. Its the beginning of a journey in uncharted territory. Its the start of our life with him.

There is no way our life with Makenzie is "over" or "ending". Its just now very different.
I miss that little girl like crazy.
I wish so much I was holding her in my arms.
I long for the day I can run to her. The moment we are together.
That she will be real once again and not just a dream.
That all these pictures and videos will become reality.
I am so thankful. SO VERY THANKFUL. that we are getting another day with Tracker.
I know how blessed I am. I know that his life is not guaranteed and the time I have with him is a gift.
I will not take it for granted.
I will savor. treasure. and not waste a minute of it.
The day Tracker turned 149 days old.
The day he was officially older.
I was happy.
but I also realized that happiness still will NOT take away the pain I have missing her.
I guess a small part of me thought maybe it would.
That if I could just keep him longer than I got to keep her I would feel better?
I know it sounds silly.
but like you might know. It didn't take any of that pain away.
Not the pain of missing her.
Again a reminder that Tracker cant take her place.
That he is incredible. but not her. and my happiness with him doesn't have a whole lot to deal with my happiness with her. Does this even make sense? I think I'm confusing myself. 
I know what I'm trying to say but its hard to put into words.
I couldn't be more thrilled that we are given this opportunity to raise our son.
Its really such a blessing that I will forever thank God for every chance I get.
but its also a hard reminder everyday of another day we didn't get with her.

It kind of makes me dizzy how much I am bouncing back and forth with all these emotions.
No wonder I have had a constant headache the past couple weeks.

I am learning.
I am learning how to deal with these new emotions, these new feelings, these new fears, these new hopes and dreams. 
Learning that grief is always changing and its never going away.




Dean and Rachel said...

Oh my goodness....he is SUCH a doll! So sorry for the hard few weeks!

Alerie said...

I know I don't understand what you are going through, but I do understand what you are saying and you don't sound crazy at all. I am so sad for you and your words tug at my heart, but at the same time I am so happy that you have Tracker and all the new things you will get to experience for the first time. So I guess you could say your readers have the mixed emotions too. I love love love these pictures of Tracker with all of the hearts. So cute!! Always thinking of you and your sweet family.


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