Monday, February 4, 2013

148 days of LIFE

Dear Tracker,

Oh my beautiful sweet little boy. Do you have any idea how much I love you?
I really don't think its normal to love someone like this. Tracker Kent you are amazing.
I am consistently in awe of the amazing little boy you are. I love seeing the world at your level. Experiencing something new every single day. You are so full of light. You are easily distracted and I love that something as simple as the blinds, a mirror or my phone can turn a hysterical baby's mood around in seconds. I love how interested you are in the world. How eager you are to move and explore. I know I'm in trouble with how determined you are to sit, stand and just move. 
Your eyes have such a beautiful story to tell. They remind me so much of your sister. 
There is depth. There is wisdom. There is passion.
All in your tiny little almost 5 month body. 
Thank you for being in my life. Thank you for all you are teaching me. Every single day you are showing me something new about life. 

Moose Track I hope to consistently remember to tell you how proud I am of you. I know you are just a few months old but you have already accomplished so much. You are so strong. You are so eager to learn. You are so excited about everything. I am so proud of you for working so hard to grow. I am proud of you for continuing to breathe. I am proud of you for moving your arms and kicking your legs. I am so proud of you for working hard to holding things in your hands and for working hard to roll over and sit up. I am proud of you for smiling. I am proud of you for laughing.
I know all of these things seem so simple. So small. 
but you don't understand how HUGE they are to me. So many of these things your sister lost. She worked sooo hard. She did everything she possibly could to do these things. and she amazed me. I was so proud of her. even after her body failed her I was still sooo incredibly proud for how hard she always tried. For everything she did do.
I am proud that your little body is not sick. Proud you are healthy.

Tracker you are the same age your sister was when she died.
That day is burned into my head. I see those details when I close my eyes.
I miss her.
Your Dad and I had such a beautiful life with her. but it was so short. It didn't last long enough.
I cant imagine having to say goodbye to you today. I feel like our story is just beginning. I feel like we have so much more to experience. So much more to learn from each other. We have so much to look forward to. I cant wait to experience it with you. I cant wait to share your life with you.
Tracker I am completely in love with you. I adore every little detail about you.
I thank God over and over... every single day... for every second he has given me with you.
I savor every breath you take. I soak up every smile, every giggle, every slobbery kiss, every snuggle, every sleepless night. You have given me so much Tracker.
The day you were born was the day I could finally start to breath again.
After your sister died I never thought life would be the same. I never thought I could be happy. I couldn't imagine that pain ever going away. I have never hurt so much.
But when you came along something happened. I was not prepared for it. I had no idea what this feeling would be like. Its amazing.
I think its because of losing your sister that I really learned how much love I could hold in my heart.
and with you. Its exploding. at all times.
The amount of love I have for you seems to ooze from every part of me. I feel like I am going to burst because its so intense. I hold you and have to restrain myself from squeezing you too tight because I just cant hug you tight enough. I look into your face and feel completely refreshed. 
You have given me a whole new life. You have given me a new look on this world.
Its incredible how much I love you.
There are just no words. There is no way for me to articulate how much I love you.
I am so blessed. Blessed more than I probably should be with you.
Thank You Tracker.
Thank you for giving me 148 days.
Thank you for staying strong. Thank you for giving me hope. Thank you for helping heal my heart.
I am beyond amazed at this life.
I pray you always feel how much I love you. How important you are.
What a beautiful role you play in this world. How you have saved 2 lives already. 
Do you realize that?
You have saved lives?
You have saved your Dad and I. You have revived us from a very dark place.
Thank you for choosing us.
Thank you for needing us.
Thank you for growing old with us.

Tracker you are the most incredible little soul.
I love you.
I love your sister and miss her more than I could ever explain.
but through you I am able to feel her.
Thank you for giving us another day.
I love you to the moon and back.
Love Mum


Abby Leviss said...

He honestly gets cuter every day. He is SO sweet and his eyes are so smart....I can tell. Thank you for sharing him.

Lisa F said...

How can he possibly be so big already?
Love you, Kendra!
He's a precious, beautiful boy!!!

Auntie EM said...

Tracker is so precious and sweet. I'm glad he came into yours and Ryan's life to remind you what goodness there is and help you heal. It is strange how you can love someone so much and wonder how you could ever love someone that much again....with Trent after waiting for 7 years, I was so in love. I could not believe how amazing it was to become a mother. But Braxton came along and the love simply grows. Kenzie will forever be your little dollie...your baby girl...but she is sharing you for a while with Tracker and any other children you may have in the future because she of all people would not want you to miss being a mom again and having that love again. She must be smiling in heaven every day because of you, Ryan and mostly because of her little brother whom I am sure she is so proud of. I love you guys!!

Dean and Rachel said...

He is SO CUTE! Can't believe how much he looks like his sis!

Alerie said...

This was a beautiful letter. He will treasure this for the rest of his life. You are a wonderful mom!!


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