Monday, February 28, 2011

repeating myself

so very much missing you.
ms makenzie, its been a while since i wrote you.
other than the letters i send to heaven.
not sure what has happened the last few weeks but i feel i have lost ground. im back to those same days this time last year when everything was so new. its not new anymore. its not so fresh. so why does it hurt just as bad.  that evil jealousy/anger has been creeping around. i push it away and it comes back at me x10.
the anger that i had to lose you. that they get to keep theirs. that you were sick. that you had to suffer. and they are fine. how does this happen. how is this fair. then the thoughts of your life. those horrible flashbacks of the worst times. i hate seeing them. they are most clear in my mind. i was able to push them out for a while there. but they are back and clearer than ever. i was driving home last night and one on top of another they came. i started picturing how you looked the day i finally took you to pcmc in november. how white/blue you were. wondering around the hospital trying to find my way upstairs to your pediatricians office from the er. i had just left work- still in heels and dress clothes. my shoes were so loud and i wanted to just throw them off and run. i was holding you in your blanket. you seemed so light. you just looked at me and were breathing that gasping breath. i can see you perfectly in that moment.
then came the day you were crashing on the 3rd floor and i was alone in a room full of doctors. i can see their faces. i can see you in your bed. they wouldn't let me get close because you were in so much distress. i kept saying i can calm her down, i just need to get to her. they were to busy shouting out demands and trying to help you that they didn't hear me. i was shaking. standing there trying to understand anything they were saying but know exactly what their faces meant. these moments. they haven't left my mind.
i try replacing them with days like this...

it was hot. i wanted to get out of the house but didn't want to do anything. we had a picnic outside. you and me. you were a little bit nudie but we sat in the shade. i thought you would like to feel the sun. it smelled so good. i kept saying i wanted to do this everyday. i took this picture and sent it to your dad telling him how we missed him. you loved this chair. it seemed really comfy. i would like an adult size one.
but these days. they are not as clear in my mind. maybe trauma is carved deeper into your memory.
i don't want to be angry. i hate that your name is associated with anger at all.
that's so not what you are about. that's not what you taught me.
believe me im trying. and ill keep trying. its just hard. its hard to turn around and see that person having the only thing i want. i don't care about money, a career, what i might have in my closet. what i want is you.
they have theirs- and they don't even begin to understand how blessed they really are.
its just normal.
they have a healthy child. why think anything more than that? why be really grateful?
for me. because i don't. for others. because their child isn't well. for some. because they don't have any.

makenzie please know i will keep moving. i will do good. i will make good and i will find good. i will carry you everywhere i go. i will tell your story. i will eventually be in a place im not angry with God or with other people. i don't want to be here. i want you. and to have you. i need to change. and be better.
please stay close. please give dad and i lots of loves.


The Mac's House said...

Oh Kendra,

I wish there were words that would erase the pain and leave the most incredible loving happy moments with you.

Reaching out across to send you a huge HUG!

Nana Teri

Shawna said...

Oh Kendra, I'm so sorry you are having a tough time -- a tough day, tough weeks. I'm so sorry you had to suffer this, are still suffering this. Prayers are being sent your way. Prayers that the anger and pain ease and that more of the good moments fill your mind then the bad. For what it is worth, your story made me even more appreciative and grateful for what I have and every time I begin to get frustrated with one of my little ones I remember you and am thankful that they are here with me. I even give them extra kisses (even when it's 3 am and I'm up with one of them) because of your story. Thank you for sharing yourself and your heartache and helping all of us to remember that our love for each other is what is most important and we should never forget it. I hope you have an okay day/week/new month.

Emma said...

I am so sorry these weeks have been tough and I know you realize some days will be tough, they will come out of the blue, even a year/5years/10years later but knowing they will come doesn't make the time any easier I know. Please know I am thinking of you, sending you lots of love and hugs and asking Kenzie to wrap you even tighter in her love on these tough days. Please know you and Kenzie have touched so many and her life has helped so many of us appreciate things so much more than we ever could have before....I just wish you didn't have to go through the pain, but I do know you will get through, you WILL and ARE doing good...and Kenzie is SO proud to call you her Mommy.
Love and hugs, Em

Kimi said...

Hi Kendra. You don't know me, but I found your blog through my friend, Liz Badger. I hope you don't mind me commenting on here but I just wanted to tell you a couple of things. I have been reading your blog over the past couple of days... all of it. All of your pain, your anguish, your heartache. To say that I am sorry for your loss doesn't even come close to what I really FEEL. I have cried more over the past couple of days, reading, looking at your beautiful daughter, empathizing and struggling with understanding WHY. I have enjoyed reading about the things you have done to keep her here with you- to keep her memory alive; especially the dance parties you still have with her. Just know Kendra, that you are loved. Even though you may not see her, she is with you. The spirit world is HERE, on earth. Those dance parties- I know she is right there with you, laughing and giggling. And I know she wishes that you could see her, but try to see her with your "spiritual eyes."
You will see her again, someday soon, although the time will seem long to you. And she will run to you- what a sweet reunion that will be for you two.
There's nothing like a mother/daughter bond. Nobody will ever be able to take that away from you. Noone will ever replace you. YOU are her mommy, forever and ever.
Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers and that my life has changed because of your sweet angel.
She watches you Kendra. She is proud of you. She loves you more than anybody.
I hope I have not offended you, but felt impressed to tell you how much your daughter has affected my life. I would love to send her some balloons, too, if you don't mind. Thank you for sharing her with so many. Even though I don't know her, Mackenzie will always be a name I say with reverence. May God bless you and your husband with peace and comfort, and even more, UNDERSTANDING.
You WILL see her again.

Anonymous said...
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Anonymous said...

I loved the previous comment, because it is exactly how I feel when I read your posts, Kendra. Nothing can take away the fact that you are her mom. She loves you so very much, and is so proud of the progess that you have made. You are so brave and so strong, and such an example to other moms out there that may be going through the same thing you have. Even to me, and I've yet to bring life into the world. Thank you so much for sharing, and you are also in my prayers. Much love.

Anonymous said...

I am one of those people that you don't know but understandably hate right now. My kids are healthy and I have many days like today when I am not grateful enough. Thank YOU...Thanks too Makenzie for teaching me today and giving me that MRW face to carry this lesson into my future days when I find myself not being grateful ENOUGH.

O remember, remember that God himself knows better than anyone else what you are going through...He too had to watch helplessly as His Son suffered and died. He wasn't allowed the priviledge of holding Him.

He will never, never forget you, Ryan, or MaKenzie. He trusted that you were among the choice parents that would be able to endure what He too endured. You are all amazing.

A stranger called Sara

PS...I know it really sounds good but does not make the pain go away or diminish. For that, I AM sorry. I DON"T understand, I CAN"T imagine, but I WON"T forget!!! Thanks Again

brigette said...

So sorry Kendra. The flash backs are hard and they hurt so bad.. makes it all so real again!! Your Kenzie is so beautiful and perfect and so proud of her amazing mamma! Much love always


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