Sunday, February 20, 2011


I have started to write this post more than a dozen time. I keep deleting everything I write feeling nothing is good enough. How can I articulate this life. This life I want to tell you about. But also a life I never knew.  To tell you about this child. A beautiful little boy that I never met. 
But a little boy that has changed my life.
July 14 2009 just 4 days before my Makenzie was born a beautiful baby was born to Mike and Misty.
Ryker Michael

I wish I could tell you about his life. 
I wish I could tell you how he would smile, what he liked and the sounds he would make. 
I wish I could write a whole story about his life. 
What I can write- every time I see a picture of this little boy, something inside me changes. I get this warm butterfly-ish feeling. I get this tingly-goose bumpy-getty rush. I smile.
He is amazing. To live his life in just 4.5 months. To fight as hard as he fought.
I can tell you that he isn't like anyone else. He has a big story to tell. and he has only begun writing it.
I know I love him. and. I think of him when I see good. 
I think of him when I dream of Makenzie.
Because they are together.
and. I couldn't imagine anyone else she should spend forever with.

Ryan and I met Rykers parents at primary children's hospital the end of November 2009. We were there with Makenzie. We had been there 2 weeks. We felt like we were pros. We knew the good food and the bad, we knew who to ask for a toothbrush or what counselor to help you get a room to sleep in. These 2 young parents the same age as us came in with their sick little boy who was our daughters age. 
We talked for a bit. Learned how sick their Ryker really was.
Understanding far to quickly that this wasn't the same. We didn't know this
Wishing, but not knowing what to say.
From Saturday to Monday.
2 days their life stopped.
1 weekend.
Ryker returned to our Father in Heaven on November 30 2009.

It was over the next few weeks/months that Rykers Mom and I started talking. 
back and forth
telling her everything she already knew
wishing everything she was wishing
living in another state but going through the same thing. the exact same thing
being a mother without them here
wanting to hold them. kiss them. save them

There are people that come into your life that are completely meant to be there.
People that change your life in a way you could never imagine.

That was this family.
This incredible. brave. loving family.
This family made us believe in hope, miracles and life.

Within weeks of Rykers passing they learned they were pregnant.

Meet Ryland and Rylee

These are the faces of Heaven
We got to met these adorable little babies.
oh my perfection.
They both have this incredible little light about them.
Something a little extra.
The love we feel when being around this family is not something I could ever explain.
We didn't want to leave. We could have stayed forever.
They talked to us. In ways we cant talk to others. Because we all know. Those same feelings.
They have another little girl. She is the big sister. and. I want to keep her. 
Maybe all of them.
Just for a bit. I tried.

I wish I could tell you more.
I wish I could write all about Ryker. 
I love hearing his stories.
He is so amazing. So very amazing.
I cant wait to meet him someday.
Until then. 
I pray for our babies. 
That they are experiencing a happiness we could only dream.


Candace said...

I love this post Kendra. We love you!

debbie said...

I'm so glad you go to go spend time with this family. When you talk about how you can't wait to meet Ryker, that's how I feel about Kenzie. There is going to be this huge line waiting to meet her, and I'm sure I won't be high priority, but it will be so amazing!

Emma said...

What a beautiful post and although I am sad that any parent ever has to go through this I am also "glad" (for lack of a better word) that you found such a wonderful family out of it. What a blessing to have them in your life and I know you will be a blessing to them as well. I can just imagine Kenzie and Ryker playing, laughing and running around up in Heaven, causing trouble no doubt!! :-)
I love that you say you cant wait to meet Ryker in Heaven, that is how I feel about Kenzie, she has touched my life in so many ways and I can't wait to let her know how much!
Love and hugs, Em

Shawna said...

Aww Kendra, how great that you got to meet these babies and that you had some time with people who feel what you do. What a great gift. I hope you continue your friendship as you both need each other -- that is why God put you together, I'm sure -- to aid one another through this. And to have that reunion on the other side with your little ones -- amazing!

Alerie said...

What an amazing little boy and family!! I'm glad you guys have each other to help one another. I am sure you will have an amazing friendship for many years. I can just see Makenzie and Ryker running and laughing in heaven. I am sure they are the best of friends. Always thinking of you and praying for you!!

Misty Allen said...

Hey you! I finally brought myself to read this. I have said it before and I will say it again, It is amazing the people you meet in such tragic times. I hate the fact that we met you in a hospital and that we will forever be connected in that way. I think it was supposed to be this way and one day we will understand why. Just know you have become family and we LOVE you guys. You will forever be a part of our lives. I find comfort in knowing Ryker has a beautiful little angel named Kenzie with him!! And I know they are both happy and healthy and no longer in pain:) Love you


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