Monday, June 14, 2010

merry go round

her life was summed up in 4 songs.
baby mine - alison krauss
chicken fried - zac brown band
cryin for me - toby keith
the dance - garth brooks
from her first picture to her last.
how is it already done?
how is it already over?
i thought it was just the beginning.
life is spinning out of control and im loosing my grip. i cant hold on much longer.
i feel im holding on as tight as i can, some days the merry go round isn't so fast so i can get a better grip but most days it just keeps spinning at uncontrollable speeds.  others are holding on to. others are on this merry go round. some are stronger. some have more drive, some have tricks or have learned other ways to stay on. i haven't learned those ways yet.
how has it been 6 months-
half a year-
27 weeks-
183 days-
to many minutes
and an infinity of seconds.
Oh Makenzie,
I am missing you so much. Every ounce of me is hurting. Aching. Missing you. My life needs you in it. Here with me. I need your smell and your wiggles and your sound and your amazing everything.
why isn't it getting easier? why isn't this pain feel less sharp? why is it that i feel it was yesterday?
this numb is so strong. this void is so vivid. this loss is too great.
how is it real?
how is life really without you now?
i want to scream, i have no control, i want to run and keep running until i get to you.
i have never felt so out of control.
i cant do anything- nothing- no amount of praying, pleading, begging, bartering will bring you back.
why did he take you from me?
your journey was over- you did all you needed- you were too perfect.
of course, i know that, but i don't understand it.
i never will.
please oh please God love her. 
give her kisses, give her loves, throw her in the air and make her squeal.
show her the world that i couldn't. give her the love i didn't. tell her how much she means to me.
tell her ill see her again. no matter what. i know you wont keep her from me. we will be together again. someday.
to far away.


Emma said...

Oh Kendra, I wish there was something, anything, we could do to ease this pain. I wish the pain wasn't so sharp anymore, but I know the love you have for Kenzie is incredible and not being able to hold her in your arms is the worst pain....I wish you weren't feeling it, but knowing that we can't change that, I wish there was a way to help. Please know there are so many of us loving you, sending you love, prayers and strength and please know Kenzie is in all our thoughts and is still touching our lives everyday-she is perfect, she is teaching so much and her life is so full of love. Hugs, Em

Alerie said...

The way you write and express your feelings is amazing. I can barely see because of the tears that have filled my eyes. My heart aches for you so much. I am so sorry you have to endure this. I wish this was not the case for you or anyone. I wish your pain wasn't so bad anymore. I wish there was something I could do. I know God is taking care of her and loving on her everyday. Just know that I am always thinking of you, Ryan and Makenzie. You are always in my prayers. Sending you lots and lots of BIG hugs today. Much love!!

Anonymous said...

Oh that photo...a million words, and so sweet! Keep holding on...I'm trying too!

Lorraine said...

Kendra -

If only there was a stairway to heaven, to walk up and take our loved ones in our arms.

You are so loved Kendra, so many friends and family would do anything to take even an ounce of your pain away, even though most of us could never come close to understanding your pain.

Love you K-Dog!

Tara Bennett said...

That photo is stunning Kendra. Your words are piercing. I wish I could help. There have been times when I have felt out of control in my life and I've been trying to hold on.... I finally learn to let go. That's the scariest, but that's when the Lord and His angels take over. Let them take over now and then. You deserve the break. I'm always here for you and praying for you. I love ya.

debbie said...

Kendra, like others have said, your words are so powerful and I hate that you are in so much pain. A friend's friend recently lost her daughter to SIDS and I just read something she wrote on her blog that I thought I would pass on. The first line is from an article on helping those who are grieving and then the second part is what the lady who lost her daughter wrote about the line from the article.

"Comments to Avoid: "Look at what you have to be thankful for." They know they have things to be thankful for, but right now they are not important."

"I know I have a wonderful husband. I know I have a beautiful daughter. I know I have so many blessings. And I do my best to acknowledge these blessings and find the silver lining in my trial. But that doesn't lessen the trial. Nothing can make-up for the loss that the passing of my baby has left. Joy in blessings doesn't fill the hole of ones losses. That hole will always remain and only time will make it bearable. My therapist who has lost a son unexpectedly told us that I will always have a hole where Elena was. And that even if I have a mound of blessings and joys in my life, I can't transfer that mound into the hole and be complete. They are separate and incompatible."

Always praying for you, Kendra.

♥ Stephan & Michelle & Ashlyn ♥ said...

I look up to you and your family in so many ways. Your a amazing wife, mother, woman! I wish there was something any of us could do to help ease your pain. You are such a amazing person! I aspire to even be half of who you are! I hope some how some way your pain gets less and less!

Love yah Kendra!

Emma said...

Thinking of you so much today....hugs, Em

Emma said...

Just a little note to say I am thinking of you both today, especially you Ryan as you go through Father's Day wish a huge range of emotions I am sure. I hope you know you gave Kenzie the best gift, all the love in your heart and the best father she could have ever had. I have sent a poem for you Ryan through Kendra's email. I am so sorry you are going through this day without your precious girl in your arms, but she is loving you and thanking you for all your love and all you continue to do for her. Hugs to you both, Em

Laurel said...

Your words go straight to my heart and make me hurt for you. I can tell you are an incredible mother. You will always be. You have to keep learning and bettering your skills because one day you will still have the chance to finish raising your little one.

My heart is full for you and your husband. I will send prayer your way.


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