Friday, June 4, 2010

10 Months

Hi Baby,
I'm very late. I should have written this to you weeks ago. Just haven't been able to do it. You turned 10 months on May 18th. I cant believe it. I bought a 2010 calendar while I was on maternity leave and filled out every 18th. I also filled out things like goals and milestones I predicted you would hit through the year. I see them everyday. I think about that time. Our time. Those few months you were mine, all day, all night. I miss them. We had a great time didn't we? We had our favorite shows to watch every morning- of course Regis and Kelly, GTU and The View. We would do our exercises on the floor together. Well you would last only a few seconds on your tummy before I would give in and turn you over or let you join into my workouts. You would lay on my legs while I moved them up and down. You would lay next to me while I did sit ups. Lets be honest- you never could see a difference, probably because it was more play time than workout time. We would jog every morning. You, me and Harley. It was peaceful to go early- before the heat. We kept the same routine. I haven't walked it since. It wont be the same without you. I would always get you dressed first thing. Mainly because I loved dressing you and couldn't wait to pick out what adorable (non funtion-able) outfit you would wear today. You always looked fabulous. I promise. People ask how I painted your teeny tiny toes- I tell them, she wanted to be beautiful from top to bottom so she layed there without moving while I painted them. It was you that wanted to look beautiful. I promise- you didn't have to even try. you are unbelievably beautiful. I wish I would have taken you more places. I wish I would have showed you the world. There is so much to see. Although- my favorite moments was anytime I was alone with you. Looking at you, holding you, loving you. I cant begin to tell you how much I love you. You are my world little girl. You are so amazing. I knew that from the beginning.
While I was pregnant I was terrified of getting stretch marks. I used all different kinds of coco butter, oils, etc. WELL none of them worked. I got these horrible ugly stretch marks. At the time, I was devastated. I thought I would just die. (oh how silly those worries are now)
Every morning I see them now, they make me smile. I am proud of them. They are my scares. They are the physical proof I carried you for 9ish months and its the proof you are real. I wouldn't wish them away. Although they are not the most attractive thing you will see and you better believe I wont be sporting any string bikinis, I still love them. I hold them. I trace them. Because they are you. They are a part of our miracle. Thank you for giving them to me. Thank you for giving me you. Thank you for choosing me to be your mom. I love you. To the moon and back. Last night I held your little hand molds that I have. I love them because they have every detail of your sweet fingers. I loved your fingers. I loved your tiny nails. Everything was perfection. You are my angel. Please give Daddy loves. He needs you now. Give him strength. We are trying to keep moving. We are doing it together, some days, most days, are just so hard. We need you. Keep smiling, keep laughing, keep farting. We are missing you. Everyday.
Happy 10.5 month birthday!
Hugs and Kisses.
Love Mom


Emma said...

Once again you leave me with tears and so full of love-your love for Kenzie is so incredible and I know she feels every bit of it! I know you might wish you showed her more, but she had all she needed-you and Ryan!! I know she loved every second with you just as you treasured it with her-I can just picture you doing your exercises, her thinking Mommy was doing some funny looking things and just loving your time together! Don't think of the things you didn't do, I know she doesn't, just think of the things you did, the love you gave her and she gave you-what a gift!!
I wish she was in your arms, that you could feel her, smell her, touch her...I hope she sends you and Ryan extra love, moments you just feel her love through you, peaceful moments you can just take a deep breath and really breath....
Thinking of you both, hugs and love,Em

Anonymous said...

Everytime I read your posts my heart breaks a little more. I want to reach out and hug you like no one has hugged you before (and I don't know you at all.) I want to make yours and Ryan's pain go away. I only hope you can eventually find peace in your heart. The love that you express is unbelivable and you verbalize it so well.
Hugs all the way from Canada.

Alerie said...

Kendra you write your feelings so beautifully!! I love the way you think of your stretch marks. What a beautiful way to think of them. I am so sorry it has been so hard lately. I wish there was something we could all do for you. I am sending lots of love, BIG hugs and prayers your way for both you and Ryan. Much love!!

debbie said...

I've been thinking about you more lately. I told you that we moved out of state and won't be able to go to Kenzie's event, but I let all my slc/ogden facebook friends know about it. You are the best mom and I love the new perspective on stretch marks. Love you, Kendra.


Darling said...

I stumbled upon your blog today through a friend's request. What an absolutely beautiful post! That was something I really needed to read today, and I am thankful there are graceful women like you who are willing to share their stories. Thank you! God bless you and your husband both!

Tristan said...

I never thought of my stretch marks as a blessing until after your post. Thank you! I guess I should be proud of all my mommy battle wounds too for what they represent.

Anonymous said...

Kendra...You are amazing! I love that you share your feelings so perfectly. I'm glad you have a place to share them. Your daughter is a lucky girl. So lucky to have your love for her. I know what it is to feel utterly helpless to help your child. It is nothing I can describe. But your sharing helps me feel like I can make it through another day. Please don't stop! And, though we don't know each other, I pray for you to find peace! Best wishes!


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