Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Fathers Day

"Dear Daddy"

Dear Daddy,
I know today is Father's Day
And you miss me really bad,
But if you could see what I see,
You wouldn't be so dad.

I have all kinds of playmates
And playgrounds everywhere!
With swings and slides and
Balloon rides that whiz right
Through the air!

We have ice cream, cake and candy,
Milk, cookies and punch;
We never have to go to bed,
And we choose what we want for lunch.

There's even a river where you and I could fish,
The water's as clear as a day in spring,
And beautiful rainbows and fluffy white clouds
From which I can see everything!

So you see, daddy,
Even though I'm not with you,
I'm under my Father's care,
And when it's time for you to come,
You'll find me waiting right here!

And I'll give you the biggest hug -
Gee, I can hardly wait.
And when no one's looking,
We'll even swing on Heaven's Gate!

I love you daddy. Happy Father's Day!
Oh how Fathers Day has changed over the years.
When I was younger I would get up in church and sing in front of everyone some song about wrapping my arms around his neck and giving him a kiss.  Then life stepped in- He was gone. Not because some tragedy happened but because he made horrible decisions in life and in turn had to pay the consequences.  Fathers Day then became a day I didn't like. It was a day I realized what I lost and what was missing. 
Then life stepped in- I married an amazing man, and he was lucky enough to have one heck of a father who lucky for me- became my Dad to. Fathers Day then became a day I celebrated one heck of a guy who amazes me every time we are together. Someone who I love with all my heart, someone I look up to, someone I adore.
Then life stepped in- A month away from the next chapter in our life. June 2009- a day to celebrate what was about to happen. A gift, exciting anticipation, a day spent pretty much in her room dreaming about what next year would be. Joy, Excitement, Anticipation, Love..
Then life stepped in- How do you celebrate this day June 2010? A day that should so much be celebrated. A day that should be so full of Love. The days leading up were not easy. I could see it in his face. I could tell when he would talk about this weekend. He knew what this weekend was and who was missing. I had ideas of what to do. I planned a day full of what I thought he would love.
but again- life stepped in-
i got sick.
not just feeling off sick but feeling horrible, couldn't get up sick.
happy fathers day- was spent calming his wife because she was hallucinating. Yes I was hallucinating. I took some cold medicine and it apparently didn't mix well in my body and I thought I was a strawberry swinging on a vine. happy fathers day was keeping his wife from falling over because she couldn't even stand up, it was fixing all the meals, cleaning up the dishes, being the one who cared for someone instead of being pampered himself. it meant going to see his family alone. it meant not having breakfast in bed, not going out to do things for him, not holding him instead he had to hold me... once again... the day ended with both of us crying ourselves to sleep. him because it was a hard day and he didn't get a break, me because i was sick but mainly because i ruined his day. 
so- he will get another day. this week. i will make him breakfast, take him on that adventure he would love and let him fall into me for once. we will talk to our baby. he will see how much she loves him. ill make sure of it. he is so amazing. he is a dad. forever and for always. she is his baby.

how in the world could she ask for a better daddy?  love is such an insufficient word for what he feels for her. everyday, every moment, every breath is for her. oh how amazing he is.
thank you for giving her to me ry, thank you for being her dad- her biggest fan- her voice. when i couldn't make those decisions you saw what she needed, wanted, already decided and you made it happen. thank you for being strong. thank you for standing up for her. she is soo you. beyond love is what i feel for you.
I'm sorry she isn't here. I'm sorry you didn't get to wake up with breakfast in bed and a 11 month old crawling all over you. I'm sorry you cant have your baby sing songs and wrap her arms around you.

i couldn't have asked you to be better. you are the best. you have taught me what a dad is, what love is and i couldn't imagine anyone else but you to be our makenzies daddy. 
she loves you ryan. more than you will ever know. you gave her a sense of security and comfort that no one else could give her. you brightened her eyes. you gave her that smile. she knew she was safe with you. she didn't mind that you were a little bit hairier than other dads, she didn't mind that you were quite a bit smellier, or that you watched way to much hunting on tv or that you have a funny lazy eye or that you would rather wear wranglers and cowboy boots, or that you eat PB&J with cheese, or that you're dirty, or that you make funny noises in public. she wasn't ever embarrassed, or grossed out, or annoyed (i have a lot to learn from her) she loved all those things about you. she accepted all those little "quirks" she even mimicked a couple herself!  ryan you are an amazing dad. you love that little girl with a love i don't understand. a love i couldn't and wouldn't compete with. she is yours. forever. know she goes to work with you everyday. she sits in the back seat on your way home and wishes you would play chicken fried over and over like you used to do. she watches you sleep, she holds you when your having those moments, she kisses your checks, she smiles at you all day. you are hers to. 
we love you ry.
you are an amazing daddy and don't you ever ever forget that.
we sure love you.
**we did wake up on sunday to find makenzie left a little surprise for her daddy. she wrote an amazing little note that told her daddy exactly how she felt about him and she also left a sweet willow tree statue for him.


Unknown said...

I couldn't help but cry reading your post. It was very touching. Your husband sounds like an amazing dad/husband/person, just like yourself. I wish my ex-husband would appreciate our little boy and didn't take things for granted. Life is too short.

Candace said...

This breaks my heart... You two are so amazing and so strong! I know Kenzie loves you so much!

Emma said...

Kendra and Ryan, I am so sorry this Father's Day wasn't the way you imagined, not in any way. I am sorry Kenzie wasn't in your arms, smiling up at you, laughing at how silly her Daddy is so you could hear...but she is watching, loving and of course laughing too. She is loving you every second, and I hope in some way on Sunday you felt her love. She is sending it in different ways, through different people and I am sure sometimes it is hard to see, when you so badly want to physically feel her...but it is there, always. Kendra, I am so sorry you were sick. I know you cherish the times you can be "the strong one" but life does intervene and I have no doubt you will give Ryan a wonderful day...and I know his love for you helped him through Sunday. I am glad you were able to cry together, even if for different reasons, it is so healthy. You were on my mind all day, Love and hugs, Em

Tara Bennett said...

Did you write that poem? It is so perfect, I love it.

I was very touched by this post, but I have to admit that I laughed out loud at the thought of you believing you were swinging from a strawberry vine.

But after I got over the giggles, I took a moment to realize what a special daddy Ryan is. They say the best way a father can show love to his children is to love their mother. I'm glad he was able to show Makenzie how much he loves her by caring for you. I'm sorry you weren't feeling well, but needing to be needed was probably the best gift Ryan could have received for Father's Day.

Alerie said...

I thought about Ryan all day on Sunday. I am so sorry that he didn't get "his breakfast in bed with an 11 month old crawling all over him". It breaks my heart!! I am also so sorry that you were sick, being sick is no fun at all!! I am sure he didn't care that he didn't get the day you had planned, because he loves you and would do anything for you. Just like you said you can do it sometime this week and it will be just as nice. I am praying for you all!! Much love!!


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