Thursday, July 24, 2008

Just a Hint

Someone does something wrong-they say sorry-you forgive!
That's the way it goes right? What if someone does something really bad? What if they did something that has shaped the rest of your life for the bad? Do you still need to forgive those people? I started this blog just thinking ill put up some fun pictures and use it as a little journal (because I'm so bad at keeping one myself) I have seen some blogs that are very personal- when I have told some people to look at them since they inspire me and they come back with- why would they publish something like that? I started thinking wow- maybe I shouldn't write such personal things- who wants to hear that. Well if you don't want to hear it I'm going to tell it anyway simply because even if your not listening I am talking and it feels good to get it out. I need to talk and I need to find some kind of therapy in this world. I hate complaining and no matter what has or will ever happen in my life I don't ever want someone to feel sorry for me. Life happens for a reason and even if its a hard issue I believe it was suppose to happen to me. I will never say "Why Me." I thought years ago that I wanted to stare a little part of my story with others because when I was going through things I always wanted someone who could relate to me through all the trauma. Believe me I think I had it really well compared to what others have had to go through in life. I like to hear how people deal with their struggles and how they over come them because I really learn from that. So here I go, my blog will be my journal and a way to release my mind. I talk to other esp my amazing husband but sometimes I want to tell it to the world but not make others feel obligated to give me a response. If you don't like these kinds of blogs- don't read mine.
I got a letter today, its not the first time I have received a letter like this- actually I have received quite a few over the last few months. Ever since I am now an adult and the courts have removed the "no contact" order. The letters always have so much in it that I get sleepy after trying to interpret them. Not only because of poor word structure but because of the way he talks. A foreign language is the best way to describe it. Half the letter it leaves me sad, feeling guilty and missing. The other part leaves me angry, feelings of hate and confusion. You can only imagine the big block of information that is shoved into usually 3-4 pages. This particular letter first came with my married name on the envelope. You may not think anything of that however I never told him my married name. The last he knows me as, Kendra White. I have made a point to not let him know. Well the secrets out. The letters have always been sent to a different address not to my home. In the middle of the 3rd page of this letter he describes my little brother and his relationship. My anger is boiling. I don't like him talking about this perfect little person that was traumatized by the choices he made. Jonathan, who always dreamed of being just like him when he grew up but Jonathan soon all the sudden realized he would be nothing like him. I am very protective over Jonathan. The letter goes on- and he says the words that I don't want to hear- He wants pictures so he can have "just a hint" of my life.
All I can think is that this is my life now. For the most part he has not been in it since I was 13. Just a hint would mean giving him an image. He has the image of a little 13 year old girl who doesn't know what the hell is going on in this world. Now I'm an adult and stronger than he could imagine. This "just a hint" will give him everything I have been working to create for myself and leaving him out of.
That little girl is the old me.

1 comment :

The Pachuilo Family said...

Kendra you've have grown so much. I read your blog alot and love to see how you are doing. You are an amazing person!
By the way this is Ashle.


Related Posts with Thumbnails