Thursday, June 9, 2011

I cant tonight.

I used to write on most every bad day or moment. It helped. I got out of that habit somehow. Maybe because it was partly me feeling I needed to find another way to deal, I don't know.
Tonight. I'm trying anything.
I just can't.
I can't.
I'm sitting in this chair.
Crying that horrid cry.
I can't stop.
I am missing.
I hold her little hand.
The mold that was made 5 days before.
My thumb fits perfect.
I can't stop thinking about my life at that time, in this chair, with her.
Her I'm my arms after a bath. Lavender smell. Warm. Favorite pjs. Story. I cheated and skipped pages. Why did I skip pages??
Then I kissed her head.
I tickled her face.
I put her to bed. Before she was asleep. Why did I put her down?
I feel her in my arms when I close my eyes. I smell her.

God I want her. Help me. I can't breathe. I'm trying to breath and my chest is burning. I can't get a breath. I want to scream but nothing comes out. The tears are hot and just fall. Faster and faster. I want my baby. I want her hands. I would give anything. Anything. I keep begging God, my sister , grandmas anyone to hold her. Give her kisses and read her a story. Please just hold her.
How do I do this?
I still can't figure it out.
I want that weight in my arms.
I want that smell.
I want her in my life.
I don't understand.
I'm trying to be ok.
To say this is ok.
I can't. Not now. It's not ok. It's not. I want her. I need her. She is the reason I breathe. I'm realizing I can't breathe. Not now. Not without her.
Please God, please give her to me. Just for a day. Let me hold her and kiss her. Let me read her a story. I just want a day. Please.
Baby I miss you. I miss you more than I thought someone could miss. I am broken. I am not me. I am just here. Without you. I need you. I need to see you. I need to kiss your lips. Ah I miss your lips. I miss your fingers. I miss your eyes and belly and toes and ears and bald spot. Please don't let me keep living without you. Please let this be a mistake and you come back. Please come back.
God. I can't breathe. I can't. I can't do this without your breath. Your heart. Please. I can't.

Why did I skip pages??

Her fingers always fit perfectly into mine.


kmb said...

My heart hurts so bad for you right now. I wish I could bring her back for you. *** giant hugs*** Katie

Tiffany said...

My heart is aching...literally aching for you. I've had those days. Those days when I could hardly pull myself off the floor because my whole body ached to hold him. She was there, I assure you. She WAS holding your hand last night... I KNOW it! Sometimes when I'm overly emotional, I know Jack is close. I think it's their way of telling us and our hearts they are there and our spirits feel it and recognize that little someone we've known since before the world was. I bet there isn't anything she wouldn't give to to be back with you and Ryan. She misses you too. Someday girl! I promise. I know it doesn't make it better, but please know that so many love and admire you. So many still pray for your heart to breathe again.

All the love in my heart,
Tiff Rich
Jack's Mom

Emma said...

I wish there was something to ease the pain, the missing, I am so sorry. Hugs.Love.Strength, Em

Alerie said...

I'm so sorry Kendra!! I wish there was something we could all do for you, but I know that nothing will help ease this kind of pain. Just know that you are always in my thoughts and prayers. Even though I know it isn't the same as holding her actual hand, I'm so glad you have those molds of her. Much love!!

AJ and Cindy said...

saying prayers of comfort for you....thinking of you!

The Johnson Crew said...

Lots of hugs, love and prayers coming your way!

Anonymous said...

I cannot imagine going through what you and your husband are going through and I pray for you both every single day. I think you are so courageous for putting all of your feelings in writing. I hope it brings you some peace to know that there are people reading your blog and sending prayers and good thoughts your way.

Monica said...

My heart aches for you!

Jenni said...

My heart is broken for you. I think of you often. I am so sorry for your loss. Just know that there are people praying for you. It doesn't take it away, but hopefully you can feel the love. I'm so sorry Kendra...


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