Monday, June 6, 2011

Change you forever kind of lemons

Its funny the lemons that life throws at you.
I think about my basket of lemons probably more than I should.
I should make lemonade with my lemons right?
Turn something not so good into something good.
I feel I have done that. To an extent.
But sometimes when you are thrown a lemon-- making that lemonade isn't so easy.
Maybe when it was thrown at you, it hit you in the face causing lemon juice to drip into your new black eye that it left you with. That doesn't make it easy to make lemonade. Maybe that juice causes permanent blindness! You will always remember that lemon. That damn lemon that changed your life!
I may be taking this analogy a bit to far but you get the idea.

I was sitting in Makenzies room this weekend and I just kept thinking over and over--- my daughter died.
That word is so permanent. So raw. There is no way of sugar coating.
I remember years ago paying house for hours and hours with the kids in my neighborhood. I was the mom, I always had like a billion kids. I told them what to do, they served me, that was it. That was life to me. There was no D word. I feel like that kid back then and even the mother I was when Makenzie was first born was so foolish. I think of me at that time and think how could I have been so--- oblivious ---- To think nothing like this could ever happen.  How was life so simple. So black and white.

I sat in her bright pink room, surrounded by all her things. Thinking about sitting in that same spot when I was 9 months pregnant sooo ready for this little girl to just get out already.
I thought about the day I walked in that room for the first time with her in my arms.
I thought about her first night in that bed. I thought about the other 100+ days I spend in that room with her. Never with the thought that this could happen.
My little girl is turning 2 next month. 2. a toddler. a big girl.
But somehow we will once again be celebrating her birthday without her here. Without knowing what life would be like past 4 months 3 weeks and 4 days.

My friend Ashley who also lost her little girl wrote a post that really hit me. She wrote about how she hates looking at pictures of herself before the accident. She wrote about how she wishes she could yell at herself at that time and tell herself not to take any moment for granted. She proceeded to talk about how she nor her husband will never be "normal" or who they once were ever again.

Its not that I have been trying to be who I once was, its that I have been trying to convince everyone else to understand I wont be that way ever again. I just have not known how to explain it and maybe not understood it myself. Its almost been 18 months.
Where I feel I "should" be or where other feel we "should" be is irrelevant.  The truth is we never will be there. We will never be in that place. We will never be even close to the same people we were 18 months ago. We have seen things in life that most never see.
We held onto our daughter as she fought for her life in a hospital bed.
We cried into her body as she took her last breath.
We planned a funeral.
We stood by her casket.
We carried her casket.
We buried our daughter.
We visit her body.

That isn't like anyone elses life. Not unless you have lived it.
Like I said its not that I have been trying to be who I once was but I have been struggling through some things that I have to understand wont be how they once were. I don't think the same, act the same, love the same, talk the same, believe the same or see the world the same. I cant expect ill put blinders on and not remember Makenzie in every single thing we do.

I am changing and will keep changing for the rest of my life.
That hurts my heart.
To know neither I or Ryan will ever be close to the people we once were.

I still love him. More than anything in the world. To the moon and back. and I can honestly say I love him more today than I did yesterday. or the day before. because somehow, my heart grows more for him every single moment. Just like it still does with Makenzie.
But I hate knowing he has had to live this as well. I hate knowing he has to feel this hurt.
I will live forever trying to make him smile.
I hope he knows he makes me smile without any effort. Just because he is who he is.

Everyday we are walking in uncharted territory. With lemons we will never forget, that have changed us forever. In every possible way.
I am blessed to have this life because if I didn't have this life I wouldn't have the 2 most important people in my life. Right now. I just have to hold on and grow into this new person. See who I am. Develop. Learn. And make not only my daughter and husband proud but myself as well.
I will learn how to smile in this new way. Even if it takes my whole life, Ill figure it out.

The article Ashley shared really struck me. It was very powerful and I will forever keep it close and read it often.


Ashley said...

Ah, there's not much I can say but that I understand. I hate when it hits that your daughter is gone. It's a hard feeling to explain how much it hurts. I'm still thinking about you! There's no doubt that Ryan, and especially little Makenzie Rye are definitely proud of you. Love ya girl!

Jackie Koll said...

I read Ashley's blog as well and both her post and yours are so powerful. Thanks for sharing. I've been reading your blog for almost a year and, as a reader, I can see how much you have grown and changed over that time - a good change. A positive change and a powerful change. Just thought it might encourage you to know that someone else is seeing that you are using your lemons for something good, something that no one else can do you but you. Thank you for being real with what you share!

Kaci said...

Love the article.. I might have to use that as a reference in my blog.

Lea and her Mustangs said...

Kendra, you don't me, never will more than likely. Years ago we lost a baby girl after 5 days. Those days they did not allow us to take pictures and they gave us nothing. When she died it was we are sorry now go home and get over it. I have not a single reminder of her except in my heart and memories. Reading your blog and Ashley's too has reminded me to keep those memories fresh. We take flowers to the cemetary, that is all we have. She would be all grown up now but to me she still is the tiny little precios girl I held in my hands in the isolette. Bless you and trust me it gets easier but you don't get over it. Just store it in your memories and smile at the lemons. Duck so they don't hit you in the eye.

Jessica and Reece said...

I have to say that though life has handed you some ridiculously rotten lemons, you have certainly shined as an example of how to make sweet lemonade. I was just telling my family about you and all you've done in the way of fundraising and awareness and fighting to find a cure for the horrible disease that stole your baby. That shows tremendous strength and courage and I am constantly amazed by you and the person you are. Sending love your way, always...

Anonymous said...

Your words certainly put things into perspective....when something happens in our lives that change us forever. I will be changed forever because.....well, you know. But I also know that life is still worth living and I want to do the same things you are doing: Make them proud (they are!!). Keep doing things that will help others. Be the best mother and grandmother I can be. Be a support to all those people whom I dearly love. Try not to waste time being angry or too sad (that one is hard). Live each day like it is my last. Always remember Kenzie. Be the best friend I can be. AND, someday, I know it will all be made right and my tears will be tears of joy. I love you Kendra and think you are a very wise woman. Today, you have helped me remember that life sometimes does hit you in the face with a lemon but it is still worth living. Always and forever, Auntie M


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