Sunday, May 1, 2011

Our Weekend

1. Painting... Trying to get a few more details extra perfect so our house might sell SOON
2. Soaking up a few sun rays... Aww... Spring please come.
3. A night in for the girls & a night out for the boys results in my windshield being broken. Thanks Ryan.
4. Sunday Din Din with the fam. Ryan Loves his Mama
5, 6 and 7. Remember finals are next week. I have been doing that. Non-Stop.

This weekend has been busy yet so laid back. We have been doing stuff - yet doing nothing. 
hmm. I want to run away to the beach. I'm trying to tell Ryan that if I was able to study on the beach I would get much better grades which would help me graduate top in the school which would get me a super amazing job with Oprah or something which would allow me to make mega $$ which would then pay for Ryans ranch stalked with horses. 
See its the perfect plan. Lets move!

I am missing my love. My mini. My muffin. My midget.
I am watching her movies when my brain gets overloaded and I need a little break. I cant believe how much I am forgetting. I always said I would never let myself forget this or that and now here I am- Forgetting it. Reminds me to never say I would do "this" or "that" if I was in someone elses shoes.
I miss those details. The details I have forgotten. The details I never thought I needed to pay attention to. How did I let that happen? How did I let those moments slip away? 
I have learned so much this past year. These past 2 years. I have learned what an amazing gift that life is. I have learned what love is. I have learned what commitment is. I have learned what determination is.
I have to keep moving. I have to keep breathing. How many times a day do I just wish I could stop breathing and this could all just end? Sometimes I think others feel it should just be done. She will never be forgotten but I cant live the rest of my life pretending she is still here. I just cant do that. I don't even need to close my eyes without having constant flashes of her. Her moving. Those legs. This same image. Over and over and over. Her legs. In the hospital bed. When they started moving less and less. The little movement they had, Its always playing in my head. How can I not think of her ever second still. How can I not always always ache for her? How can you expect me to be okay now? 
I am focusing on school. For tonight. To get through these tests. Physics tomorrow. 
I hate to say it but I have to push Makenzie out nights like tonight. If I think of her I'm done. There is no focus. I want her. I want all of her. I get angry or sad or low or heavy... I just want her. I want that family. Ryan and I started our family over 2 and a half years ago. Today its just us. No one to take care of. No one to care for. We need to share this life. We want to share this life. We hate knowing when or if it will ever happen. It should be simple right? I mean we did it once, We should be able to do it again. Wrong. Its not that simple. I wonder what the plan is. Not our plan but the plan God has. Its obviously different than ours. Than all of our dreams. From the beginning. He is in control. I know he is. I hate being out of control. I need to build that trust. Trust in his plan.
I believe, but it doesn't make it easy. 
Its just a moment. A moment that will pass. A moment that I will get through. I am not wasting my life away on the pain. I will never do the good I want if I do that. But this is part of the journey. To embrace even the lowest of lows. To know this is real and this isn't going away. She is part of this process. Even though she isn't here. Its because of her. 
Ill keep breathing.


Anonymous said...

Thinking of you and Ryan....Knowing some of how you feel....Not knowing how you feel....wishing it didn't have to be this way.....but, the love never ends....I'm so glad of that. Love you guys. Aunt Mary

crystal said...

I am praying for you. I am praying that God will give you the ability you need to pass your finals, praying that he will give you the strength to make it, and that He guides you and shows you the plans He has on your life. God has a way of doing things that no of us understands but He always has a reason and shows us later on why He did it. Just keep your Faith in Christ because He will be back soon to take His children home, What a wonderful day that will be, you will get to see McKenzie again!!!

Malinda Q said...

My heart breaks for you, I can't even imagine the pain you must feel. I know I don't personally know you, but I am so touched by your blog everytime I read it. And everytime I see pictures of Makenzie I think to myself that I have never seen a more beautiful baby girl! You are in my thoughts and prayers often.

ZJ said...

I somehow got on your blog and have been absolutley heartbroken by your story, but the good it has done for me is that I hug my little guy every chance I get. I also noticed that you had a brother here in Lacey WA. That is where I live and am a teacher. I wonder if your nieces will be going to school in my district! Small world. I also wanted to point out as I was looking at your pictures that you posted on this entry, your crack in your windshield looks like an angel. That is exactly what my mind saw. I know that your baby girl is there watching over you.


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