Wednesday, May 4, 2011


Sometimes I still find myself surprised that life is still moving. That nothing will last forever. No one. Nothing. It will all end. You sell it, lose it, burn it. Someone dies, runs away, moves away, goes missing. Nothing is permanent. My anxiety is kicked into high gear. Seeing how little control there is over anything really.  These are the times I have to sit down and just breathe. I have to give all my fear, anxiety and doubt to God and pray he gives me some sort of relief. I still have this dumb earthly mind that still doubts who God is, what he looks like, how he runs things, what is going on up there, is it really "up" there, does he have a desk, do we all have a file in a filing cabinet?  What do the angels do? Are they all in white, do they have wings, do they wonder around with their hands pressed against each other and sing? Is the ground just clouds? Do you eat? Do you poop? Do you get a tummy ache or rashes? Do you still need to get your shots if you are a baby (Makenzie is past due for a few)... Is there houses? Do you sleep? Where do you go?
You see my mind is spinning all the time. The wondering and fear. The what ifs and who is there.
I am learning to trust in my faith.
I'm learning my faith.
I'm still learning this new world.
Ryan and I decided we should sell our video camera. We bought it a month after Makenzie was born. I had to have something to capture everything about her. I needed to remember everything then. Who would have known how precious and irreplaceable those videos are to me now. How just the sound of her breathing will take me to a different world. This camera is great. However, we got a new computer for Christmas this last year, an Apple. Love the computer but our computer and camcorder don't sync. Weird. Every other brand would work on an Apple but not Sony.... So we have had to convert all of Makenzie's videos to a format that we can play on our Apple. THANK GOD. I also have those videos in a couple other places... Just in case! But the point is we think its silly to keep this camcorder around when we should get a new one so we can capture memories of future children. The decision to sell wasn't a huge deal. That is until I realized I will have to delete her videos off it. It has internal memory so we never had an SD card or anything. Those videos are on that camera. There is no taking them off without deleting them. I have them in several other places, I have them all, I will never lose them but the thought of hitting that delete button on those videos makes me want to throw up. I want to pull out my hair. I want to scream and hide. My anxiety is on overdrive.To have them gone off that camera.
Irrational. Crazy. Doesn't make sense... All Yes.
But its real.
Its another thing. Another reminder. Another milestone to crawl through. Makenzie is in heaven. Those videos are the best things I have now of her. They are what make me feel her the most. I watch them and I am there. I can feel her skin, smell her, drift into that. Her Mother.
Those videos remind me how amazing she is. There are videos of her before she went into the hospital and was struggling so much. I see how much strength she had. I think about what she must have been thinking and feeling. Working so hard just to breathe. Just to breathe.
She knew I needed her. She knew She couldn't let go yet. She knew she had more to do so she worked harder than anyone has ever worked to just be.
My worst days- I think of her and I make my mind shift... because I know if she got through that I can get through this. Its now my turn.
I know she needs me here, I know I cant let go, I have more to do and ill now work harder than anyone to just be.
These videos.... ahhh.... it hurts.... That camera... it will be gone soon... but ill never lose her.
That camera is not life. Its a thing. Its disposable. I am grateful I had it but I will not let that define my life. I will not let the camera that once held her videos become more precious than the world that's in front of me.
My faith is learning because of this. The selling of a camera. Silly-Doesn't make sense- Yes.
But sometimes those are the very best things that help you learn the most.
Another memory. Another day. Another thing.
I will not let go.
I will learn to live through all of this because I am lucky enough to have her teaching me what life is really about.


Katie Danner said...

Kendra, first of all, I love the beginning about God having a desk and a filing cabinet. I know this is a hard post, but when I read that I thought how stinkin cute you are. Everything will be ok, Kenzie is happy and loving you from afar :) :)

Chels said...


You should read the book "Heaven is for Real" written by Todd Burpo.

Love, Chels

~plaid said...

I love your spunk. I have many of the same anxieties. Many of the same questions. It's a lot to process. Your blog is sharp and soft all at the same time, and I so appreciate it. I am glad you are learning your faith. It's something I'm still struggling with, and I admire your wit about it. Thank you for willing to share so openly.

Anonymous said...

I am purely a stranger from Idaho who came across your blog awhile ago from another one I follow. I hope you don't mind me commenting, but tonight I felt compelled to leave a little message. I absolutely love reading your thoughts & seeing pictures of your beautiful, little daughter. You have such a wonderful way of writing that keeps me wanting to come back & read more. My heart has hurt for you, your husband & your sweet baby girl. I hope you keep working through things as you do. I imagine your little Makenzie must be watching over you patiently awaiting the day when you are physically brought back together! Bless you!

Alerie said...

Even though I know you have all of your videos backed up, I can't imagine having to do that. You are so strong and so amazing!! I admire you so much.

On a side note though, I have a Mac and a sony camcorder and I am able to put my videos on my computer. Hmmm....this is weird. I curious now how I have been able to do this.

Well, you are always always in my prayers!! I'm glad you have a couple of weeks off even though it sounds like you are going to be busy. I can't wait to hear what you are raising money for. I'm sure it is something amazing. I will pray that your garage sale has a ton of success!! Much love!!

crystal said...

I agree with Chels. " Heaven Is For REal" is an AWESOME book. It helped me figure out so many things in my life and gave me peace within. I know that Heaven is for real and I can't wait until taht day when I get to go there. That book made me that much more excited to go there :) Praying for you!!!!

cre8ivesky said...

Hi there- found your blog through TMB. I am so impressed and moved as I've browsed around. I've often blogged about not wanting to look back when my boys are older and feel like I missed it. All of the sudden I feel superficial in my easily written thoughts along that line. Your strength and realism is amazing. I'm anxious to stop back by often- I sincerely wish you hope and continued faith through the future!

Shawna said...

I does make sense Kendra! The human side of you does not want to give up yet one more thing, especially when giving it up means hitting "delete" on something that has her in it. It makes total sense. But the spiritual side of you recognizes that hitting "delete" is just a part of life -- another step forward in your journey and that it will not truly "delete" anything from your heart, which is where the most important things in life reside. Sweet Kendra, you are still in my prayers and I pray for you as you continue this journey.

Mommy used to be so pretty... said...

I have been also blog-stalking you for awhile.

I have written you emails that I never send from back when your blog wasn't even on the front page of TMB.

My words don't work when I try to write you, I think it is because I don't want any of this to be real for you. I too, want it to be a bad dream.

This post, however, is exactly how I feel. Anxiety eats at me all the time. I have to learn every day that fear is not from God, and I have to learn it EVERY day like I didn't just learn it the day before.

THe day I first read your blog, I sobbed- I looked at her beautiful pictures and read your heart break and sobbed. I went to work the next day and felt like I had a hang over. People asked me if I was ok, and over and over again I relayed the story..."there was this blog..."

You have a gift in your writing. You have a gift in your Makenzie. She is waiting for you just like you are waiting to see you again. You are right, things are just things, but we hold on to them as if having the thing holds a piece of the person we miss. I have a whole basement room full of totes labeled "memories."

I am actually writing a bit about finding your blog in my next post. I usually write a humor blog, because I have lost most of my brain cells since motherhood, but reading about you and your beautiful daughter has stuck with me for over a week now. My heart is with you, sweet family.

Love, Sarie


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