Monday, May 23, 2011


Can you say anxiety attack. If I don't calm down I think I'm going to claw my way out the door, down the stairs, through the parking lot and into my car. Literally clawing. I'm on edge. My mind is racing. My heart is beating a million miles a minute. I hate this.... I hate anxiety. Do you all have it?
I have to take medication for it. Seriously I am a walking pharmacy. I have my downers and uppers my calmers and pick me ups. Its rather ridiculous and when I forget to take them. Boy you better watch out. Its rather frustrating... Today. Don't worry I took them but the anxiety is just kicked into high gear. I get these irrational thoughts and they wont go away. I start thinking about life and it becomes overwhelming. I start thinking about my wishes and want to lose control when I realize there is NOTHING I can do about them.
Oh my oh my. My fingers are tingly and my body cant settle. It seems every inch of me is shaking. I'm anxious. Nervous. Irritable.

I don't know what happened last night but my dream consisted of life long ago. High school.  Home with my Mom and little brother. Back then life's "issues" were so different. Not that they didn't matter. I think everyone has to go through those horrid teenager years to grow. Its just part of life. My biggest issues then?
Friends... Wanting them or not wanting them. Who was my BFF? Who will hang out with me?
Boyfriend... I had the same one pretty much all of high school. Of course that came with the regular relationship drama. He was a year older and graduated a year before me. I was jealous. Seriously JEALOUS of everything regarding him. Poor boy. He had to go through a lot of crap with me. I really feel bad.
Family.... We all have our family drama. Mine = combined family.
Who was around- who lived close- who got along. With 9 other siblings nothing was ever sprinkles on cupcakes. I lived at home with my Mom and little brother. Dad was out of the picture. In a bad way as well. I didn't know what I wanted. Where I was going to go. I was so confused. Life happened really fast-- at least that's what I thought. I have since learned better.

The point is life although stressful and crazy it was "normal"
At least it seemed normal to me. It was what I was used to. Even though changes happened and life continued the new normal was always still normal.

So back to my dream... I was back there. In the middle of all that. Nothing really significant happened in the dream It was just so real.
Kinda funny-- when Ryan went to wake me up I kept screaming "Mom leave me alone, I just want to sleep some more Mom"... Seriously I was convinced I was 17. The past 6 years had not happened. I was still living then. My husband was my Mom. It took a little to long for me to snap out of it. It was weird.
I finally got up in my house. Kissed my husband goodbye. Let my dog out to go potty. Drank my coffee. Vacuumed my floors. Got dressed in my clothes and got in my car and went to my job.
I grew up.
This life is now my normal. I feel normal in so many ways.
But so un-normal in others.
I feel asleep last night with my face buried in that polka dot blanket. I found a tiny little spot that smelled like Makenzie. I stuffed my face into that little area so much I kept having to come up for air. We go to sleep with  "Makenzies Sleep-list" Its the same play list she would fall asleep to.
I sit here and think-- how is this normal?
How is this what my new normal is?

I know this is total movie, live happily ever after, storybook kind of idea... but... I still have a hard time realizing that life is not a guarantee. The future, the events that will happen, the things you will do... There is no road map. There is no set way.
For everyone its different... But for me...
I have always imagined... Childhood was a bit rough, Still learned a lot and still had great times. Had to overcome the death of a sister, Dad in prison, Single Mom raising my little brother and I. Going to school and having the regular high school experience. Lucky enough to make some life long friends. Graduate. Maybe go to school. Or maybe marry someone that will take care of me. Finding the right one would be kind of hard. There would be some heartache and struggles involved. I would marry. Life wouldn't be a fairytale. We would have issues. I would need counseling and there might come a day we both need to be in counseling to help our marriage. But we would work through it. We both are in it for forever so no matter how bad things go we would pull through. We would get a place Maybe struggle with money. But we would do it. Then once everything started to fall into place we would have our first kid. Then a few years later we would have another. Then maybe the next might come a little sooner than we planned. Life would be total chaos and mayhem and we would lose our mind a few times. We would travel a few times. I never really thought farther ahead than kids being early teens. I don't know what life looked like after that but that's what life was beforehand. That's how it happened. A few things might come up here and there. But that is life right?
It was in my head that after you start that family--- You just continue with that family. Its the beginning. Its your life. Its this whole new world that is just incredible. But it continues.
That's normal.
Or that was my vision of normal.
I have always planned for the worst. A spouse passing, a parent passing. Sickness, debt, poor, even being homeless.... I have thought about those what-ifs in life.
I never planned for this though. I never planned that along this road I would bury my child. I never planned that I would have this discusing disease that I carry in my body that will kill my children. How did I not plan for this?
Yet, This is now my normal.
I have been wondering around my house in this new normal and trying to understand why this is still so sureal. It has been 17 months. 17!
Why is it still weird for me to look at a family with several kids and get confused? How did that happen?
That's normal... So WTH is wrong with me?
We are struggling so much with trying to figure out how our next child will come into our lives. But it wont end there. We will be going through that for every.single.child. we want in our life.

So I have to say I have heard about a million times since Makenzie passed that most couples divorce when they have a child pass. Guess there are some things that are a bit more personal and need to stay within closed doors but Ryan and I are both very open. You want to ask... We tell.. The good and the ugly.
So even though you didn't ask. I'm going to tell you the ugly.
I love Ryan. There is NO doubt about that. He has been the best thing to ever happen in my life. I could go on for hours about him. But marriage and esp. marriage with things like this new normal doesnt make for an easy life.  There are far to many days I am just angry. I am just stressed. I just cant focus. I just ache. There is nothing he can do about it. He can hug me or love me or tell me nice things but it doesnt help. I get angry with him for dumb things... Like the fact that he to carries this dumb gene... But don't worry- I get 10x more upset with myself that I carry it.  I get upset that he doesnt talk about her enough. I get upset when he doesnt say goodnight to her with me. I get upset when I feel alone. Lost. Helpless. Angry. Scared. Worried. Overwhelmed.  I get upset with him when I am really upset with others. He is the one that gets the short end of the stick with all of this.  Because he is the only ONLY only one who really knows. He knows what it feels to lose Makenzie. Not a child, not someone-- Makenzie. 
He is living this new "normal" along with me and he is going through the same issues I am.
We maybe reacting to things different but in the end the aching and wanting and missing is the exact same.

In the beginning... I remember Ryan and I both saying how we have grown so much closer through this experience and that we couldnt imagine ever not being without the other... I have to say. Luckily. We are still there. I couldnt imagine a day without him. I can definitly see how others could fall apart though. It makes me so sad because it could happen so easily.  Thank God he gave me Ryan. I don't know anyone else that could put up with me.  AND I have to say-- He better thank God he has me because I don't think anyone else would put up with the smells, messes and weird things that boy comes up with.

My dumb anxiety is really high today... Maybe just because I woke up and though I was in high school still? Maybe because I'm seeing our normal - again. Maybe because I am trying to understand what is next for us and I just cant.  I put my trust and faith in God. I try to let him take control but I am a control freak and don't relinquish so well.
I don't think ill ever be okay with this new normal.


Preston and Keri said...

I'm SO sorry you have to have these harder days! I say harder cause I'm sure everyday is hard!
Like I told you in the email, I can't even imagine what you're going through but I still think that you are incredibly brave. As I have read yours, and some other blogs of people that have been through the same sort of thing you have gone through, all that I can think is that Heavenly Father must really believe in and trust in you to have sent you this amazing gift and trial.
One thing that you should know about me is that I am adopted. I am a HUGE believer in adoption (obviously) and I believe that those who can't, for any reason, have a child of their own, that THEIR child will come to them in another way.
I think about you often and my prayers are with you!
You WILL have your family even if it's not the way you imagined getting it!


Heather said...

I don't know why but I keep wanting to ask this question. Please don't take offense. Have you considered doing foster care?

Emma said...

I am so, so sorry you and Ryan are having to deal with this "new normal". No parent should ever have to and it just makes me so sad that you are. I am SO glad you have one another and a love that you know is worth fighting for. I know Kenzie is watching and is so proud of you for being there for one another. I can only imagine the frustration when each person deals, grieves differently but in the end you come back to one another and that is so important.

As for other children, I wish I had the magic solution, but I have no doubt you and Ryan will decide what is the best for you and your family and you will hold a baby in your arms again. Yes, you are always a mother, an amazing Mother, but I can only imagine the missing of the "actions" that are involved in the care of a child and I can't wait for you to ahve that again-in whatever way you choose.

I am sorry the anxiety is so high right now, the pain, the missing...I wish there was some wonderful advice I could give. Just know there are so many of us thinking of you, praying for you and loving you. I hope you can feel it. You are still moving forward, although these hurdles I am sure make it feel hard to do so, but just keep taking each day, each hour, each minute at a time-whatever it takes. Love and hugs,Em

Ally Cox said...

I have been reading your blog for a few months now and I truly admire your honesty. You inspire me! I have never had to deal with such tragedy in my life and honestly, I plead everyday with god that I won't ever have to. But, I just wanted you to know that I have moments of anxiety about life just like you are describing. If I lay in bed and let myself think about it I can almost lose my mind. I find comfort in knowing I am not the only one that does that! Hang in there, you are so much stronger than you know! :-)

Mommy used to be so pretty... said...

I am definitely one anxious lady.

PS Your grandma's lovely gown still cracks me up when I see it on your blog.


Candace said...

Kendra, I never made it to your planning party, you never emailed me with an address?? Lets go to lunch or something? Email me!

Tiffany said...

Oh Kendra!!! My heart just aches for you, but I can relate to EVERY SINGLE WORD about your anxiety and your "normal". I remember before Jack passed, I'd look at "things"...(big houses, pottery barn decorations, cars, money...) THINGS and think..."Wow, they are lucky." Then Jack died and my thinking changed. I'd look at families and think..."You have ALL children??!!" (Like it was some big miracle that they got to KEEP their kids ALIVE) and think... "Wow...they are lucky."

Our new normal SUCKS! And to add anxiety into the mix makes it even worse. When Elder Scott gave me blessing he told me that when times got crazy (and I can only assume he was talking about when I was so anxious I wanted to run away from EVERYONE including myself because the "thoughts" the HORRIBLE thoughts that would continue to creep into my mind were so breathtakingly AWFUL) to remember WHERE those thoughts were coming from. He said that they were NOT of our Heavenly Father. I think that Satan has SOOO much time on his hands and he's learned and MASTERED how to be patient and wait. So, that's exactly what he does. He's waits for you to have a bad minute and then he starts in. And if you can't control with some sort of meds...he knows that too and then he really lets loose!

I'm not sure where you live, but I wish with all my heart that we could hang out. I was reading through some of your posts and kept thinking that you remind me so much of myself. :)

At any rate, I hope your sweet little Makenzie is close today and tomorrow and the next and the next...(you get the idea). She is certainly lucky to have such an amazing mom!

Loves to you,
Tiff Rich (Jack's mom)

~plaid said...

Thank you for sharing the Ugly! It is amazing your timing. I hate that I have the ugly, too. And it's really been a struggle for me this past few weeks, even though so deeply I truly love my husband. It's just a struggle when you've lost kids. We don't know what the gene is for us, but it is suspected that this is a genetic problem that is autosomal recessive. I hate this life so bad sometimes, but I love your posts! Thank you for being real and letting me see the perfect side of you, and the imperfect, too!

Well, hopefully Makenzie has made time to meet Dominic and Bridget. And they are working on great things for our families. Families have it rough in this life, and families who've buried kids have a dynamic that's just very complex. So I hope they help us. I want to believe it, but don't feel it. So I am glad for your candid posts to help. Thank you!

erica said...

oh kendra, my heart aches for you. really it does.
i cannot imagine losing a child. you are a strong woman to get up everyday. whether you want to or not.

hang in there, i know that you will be with your little baby one day.
you are in my prayers.

Kaci said...

Don't worry..I'm crazy too! With all the drugs and everything that comes along with it. I know my husband is one of the only people willing to put up with me and I should be really lucky to have him, but it's still hard. Really hard sometimes. I too get mad cause he doesn't seem as sad as I am about Joshua dying.. But my counselor told me that it's not my responsibility to make sure he is grieving or not. I think about the hospital when we decided it was time to let him go... And my husband lost it... He was crying a lot.. But that's because he was in denial most of the time at how sick Joshua really was. I cried but not that much. Mostly cause it didn't come out of me for a couple weeks but mostly cause I just wanted to get it over with... We had been in the hospital almost a month! Well you know how that is living in a hospital.. And our son was ready... Sooo grief is so dynamic I try not to even think about my husband and if he's sad or not. I try to think of it as a blessing that he's not crazy like me that he can function completely normal and work and make money for us. Since I'm the carrier and hes not I can only be mad at myself... Well actually sometimes I wNt to be mad at my mom but she won't even be tested
. Not yet anyways... So annoying cause my three sisters all have to be tested just cause she won't. Maybe she is scared she will feel guilty if she is a carrier also.. I highly doubt she will feel guilty but I don't know... Life sucks sometimes. Big time. Well know that I'm gladnthat there's someone like you who has gone through similar experience so I know I'm no alone.


Related Posts with Thumbnails