Tuesday, February 22, 2011

this life

im sitting on the floor
the door is shut
i emptied every one of her drawers, everything is surrounding me
the room is very bare compared to how it was when she was here
cant find the cord to hook the camcorder up to the computer so its sitting next to me playing
i wish the picture was bigger
i wish the sound was louder
i so badly want to be back
to the place that all of this was okay
im so confused
what am i suppose to do. be. experience. accomplish
i am missing those sounds
i am missing those dreams
i am missing those smells

she had the saddest cry. every inch of her body would get upset. the most innocent little squeak would pop out. her arms would go nuts. her eyes would either completely close or get really squinty and serious. her fingers would spread out as far as possible and she would make the most heart wrenching sound.
i think every mother can agree that when you hear the sound of your child's cry- esp when they are little- is can be the most numbing, helpless feeling you will experience. kinda weird how i can still hear it and it will still give me every one of those same feelings.

she will be 20 months this month. 2-0 months. i hate that i only got to experience a few.
i should be in another place with all this right.
i should be feeling peace and a better understanding.
i am changing my thoughts. i make myself smile when im really low- literally smile. i then turn off every sound (the radio, tv, phone) and just sit. not think about anything but good. not think about whats missing but think about what is to come. i know i have so much to look forward to. but. i feel stuck right now. past the beginning stages. past the initial hurt. past the shock. but i have yet to get to the next place. the next phase. im planning. im preparing. but im not there yet. so i feel stuck. not sure what will get me past this. maybe ill never get past this.
sometimes i think if i had another baby i could start life again. then again the thought of another child terrifies me to my core. the truth of everything. not only this but everything in life. for anyone who is experiencing this stuck feeling. no one or nothing can change you. you have to do it. maybe you can get help giving you a little push, but its only you that will make yourself move. i have to keep reminding myself that nothing will ever change or happen in life unless i do it. i will never be happy if i don't make my own happiness.

i know this.

but i just needed to have a moment. a moment where i am just sad. where i cry. where i feel like i cant pick myself up off the floor. a moment to scream. to get angry. to lay here and just miss.

but now i guess i need to get up. smile because she is mine. and move.

do you ever sit back and wonder if this life was really meant for you? i have. especially lately. everything from my childhood, to getting married, to my job, to school to my child- to the loss of everything that was lost. was this all really meant for me. was all this really suppose to happen in my life? was i suppose to chose this road. did i make the right decisions? if i did something else years ago would things be better?
who's to say whats better? maybe i should have ran away when i was little. lived with some old lady in the forest who's house was made of candy. then marry her grandson who road up on a white horse and saved me from everything bad. then become a plastic surgeon or something.
who knows.
maybe i totally screwed up everyone of Gods initial plans for me.
and if that's true. dang it.
but here i am. without a time machine. so what now?
no idea.
i want to be a mother again. i want to experience just some of the happiness my baby once gave me.
i know in time and when we are ready things will fall into place. most likely with lots of money (debt), tests and doctors waving magic wands but it might happen.
in the mean time... ill just sit back.
admit to this reality. admit to what has already been. admit to this life i have chosen. admit to what i don't want.

this low needs to get outa here. i sure hate it. i hate the sad. i hate this heavy. i hate this confusion.
so let me write it here on this blog. ill then turn off my computer. lay on the ground. curl up with that polka dot blanket. watch those videos. listen to her. dream our life. hold her clothes. imagine her smell. probably cry a horrible, not flattering, puffy faced kinda cry. then ill pass out.
but ill wake up tomorrow. and. ill make it new.


Cox Family said...

Had a whole long comment for you but decided it would be a better email :) I hope today is a little better for you.



Shawna said...

You're right -- you need to have those moments to be sad and yell and scream. To hurt. Because in the hurting, as awful as it is, you will find strength and peace once again. Things will continue to change and you will continue to grow. You will always miss her and when you need to yell and cry -- yell and cry. Let it all out. Take that time for you. For what it's worth, I don't think you screwed up. I'm pretty sure God didn't intend for you to run away and live in a candy house and all that :). I know He is with you and He is holding you and He loves you and feels your pain. We don't understand His ways but He does and He will guide us through them.

Emma said...

Please don't ever feel you need to be "in another place with this"...regardless of time, you lost your baby and in all reality it really wasn't that long ago. You are going to have days where you just feel it all come back, overwhelm you, knock you down...but I think it is good that you acknowledge that this happens, you feel it all, you let yourself fall and then you get back up-that is INCREDIBLE STRENGTH! None of us can truly know what you are going through, even others who have lost a child, everyone grieves differently but you are continuing on, you are living, smiling and loving and that says so much. You and Ryan do have a future, a happy one I just know that, and although these days feel like a step back they seem to be getting less often and that is a big step forward in your journey. Through it all know there are so many of us you are touching, so many of us loving and pryaing for you especially sending you hugs on these tougher of days. Life is never how we 'plan' and I know you and Ryan still think of the life you thought was ahead, but I also know the one coming will bless you just as Kenzie is continuing to do....love and hugs, Em

Alerie said...

I wish I had all of these comforting words to say right now. My heart just aches for you. Please just know that you don't need to feel "stuck". I think you are doing amazing and everyone grieves so differently. You lost your baby girl and you have every right to want to lay around by her stuff, cry, scream, watch videos, whatever you want. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Sending lots of love and hugs your way!!

Jessica and Reece said...

Thinking of you and praying for you and hoping this low becomes a high very, very soon. Sending love your way...

Ashley Sullenger said...

Ah! I hate that those feelings, emotions, and pain have to be felt. I was directed to a blog tonight, a couple just lost their little girl. I couldn't help but feel grateful that I'm not the one finishing up a funeral and have all the intense grieving ahead of me. I know I've become a stronger person because of the past seven months. Just think, you've survived 1 whole year. A big accomplishment to me. You can see how you've gotten stronger with each post. You've done great.

Packing up their things is tough. I did that last week. I too sat on the ground and cried. I pray a lot, I pray that you can be a mom again, and if you want it, it can come quickly. You deserve it. Love ya girl! I hope today is a little easier for you!


Helen said...

Just wanted you to know that someone out there is praying for you. You don't know me and we probably will never meet until we're in Heaven, but I wanted you to know my thoughts and prayers are with you.

brigette said...

Oh Kendra im so sorry! Going back to days like these are so hard!! I had one not to long ago and Im a year ahead of you... So I think its completley normal!! Some days are tough and suck so bad!! You have to let the emotions come.. other wise one day youll explode! Your an amazing mom and I know Kenzie is so proud of you. I hope when the time is right for you and Ry that youll be able to have another amazing child. I love you so much and think of you often! Cant wait to get together again!! Much love


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