Thursday, December 30, 2010

whats next

i was looking at another friends blog. somehow i came across this slide show for her birthday of her first few years. i couldn't stop watching. i couldn't turn it off. i watched the beginning of her life through the next few years of her life. what a beautiful little girl she is. but. the whole time i couldn't help but picture makenzie in those pictures. this life that will never happened flashed across my mind. a life i will never have with makenzie. i sat there thinking there would never be a dance recital, funny disastrous outtakes, future memories.
i just feel sick. i know this is real. i know this has already happened. i just wonder whats next for us.
its been very clear that our life is not how we ever planned it. its not just as simple as trying again. trying for another baby. not without the risks. the 1 in 4 chance of having that little baby go through the same life our makenzie went through. that would also mean we would have to plan a funeral for another child. how can this be our reality. this is real. i have to stand up and face what is in front of us.
we can take a chance, we can spend thousands THOUSANDS of dollars and do PGD or spend THOUSANDS and adopt. All of which is not what I "planned" throughout life.
that's not what i planned as a 7 year old stuffing my shirt to make it look like i was pregnant.
i guess that's what life is really about. The uncertain. The unknown. The change. Our life didn't start out like a regular fairytale. it hasn't turned into a regular fairytale. i guess there is no fairytale. im so frustrated.
our "plan" has been made. our path is starting to be set. but now im scared. what if this isn't what we should do. but if this isnt- then what is. what is our path. over this last year- another child has been the last thing on my mind. i cant imagine being a mother to someone else. to love someone else as much as i love my makenzie makes me sick. i don't worry if i am able to love someone else, i don't worry if i could be a mother again- i know i can- i just don't know if i am ready. if ryan is ready. if our life is ready. to bring that love in again. i fear. with a deep dark fear. i fear makenzie isn't ready. i have so many  thoughts. so many things i just don't know. so many things i wish i could just find a clear answer. i wish i could just know. the praying has increased. the waiting for the answer has come. i miss her. i want my makenzie. i want to live that life with her. i want to make videos and memories of her. why cant i let this go. why cant i just get it through my head. that part of life is done. her story has an ending. i cant keep going into the little girls section of the store, looking at the size of clothes she would be in, buying my most favorite outfit that would look so cute on her. she wont wear those. she cant play with the toys i buy. she cant learn to read the books i find. why the hell cant i just get this. why cant i just admit this.
what now. what to do next. what is our path. what is right.
thank god ryan is here. i love him to pieces- but its hard to see there are somethings we are just not on the same page with. i know we will come together. we always do. we always will.
i guess that's life. guess that's what this world is about. these choices. these trials. these loves. these loses. these what ifs. these challenges.


Devon said...

Oh honey...I am sorry. So so sorry.

Alerie said...

Kendra you are in my thoughts and prayers. I am so sorry!! I can't even begin to imagine. Much love!!

Emma said...

Don't worry about the "right" path, just make it YOUR path...every step you take is toward a goal, and you will get there in your own time and you will make such an impact. You have touched so many people already, you are going to help/inspire so many more...

As far as other children, I believe you will know the right decision for you and Ryan when the time comes. Please don't ever worry about what Kenzie would think of any decision (I know easier said than done) but you gave her freedom, the most selfless gift and all she wants to see is her parents happy, joy on their faces, smiles deep down to their heart...and she will be happy no matter how you get there-she is proud of all you do each and every day.

As for you and Ryan, you won't always be on the same page-thank goodness for that or who would be there to help you on your bad days, to pull you up when you need it most...just keep coming back to one another and eventually you will be on the same page again, as it always happens.
Sending you love and hugs, Em

Kristen said...

I was just writing about finding the right path myself and have decided to just focus on moving in the right direction - something that you are definitely doing. Give yourself time to continue moving and see where life takes you. Trust yourself and trust Ryan. Trust Makenzie and trust God. Your path will show itself to you. I think that it's just hard for us to see it sometimes. Happy New Year! I will be thinking about you tonight.

Anonymous said...

Kendra. Im sorry you are going through all these things. It's just not fair. You are incredible. I truly believe Makenzie is watching you with a smile on her face, so very proud of her mommy and Daddy. I truly believe she can't hurt, or miss, or be sad. I think she is up there with her siblings to come, telling them about how amazing you are. They are there together rooting you on. Try not to fear, because satan wants you to fear. The Lord wants you to be faithful. to trust him and to know he has a plan for you that is not completely full of hurt and pain. Trust and be faithful. Love ya!

bibc said...

i wish i could tell you what's next for you, or a path that you could take that would ensure an easy, happy life. we all deserve that, but babylost moms i think, deserve just a tiny bit more gentleness in this world. wanted you to know that i think of you and your beautiful girl often, and i know that no matter what is next, you will have that gorgeous angel with you.

Tristan said...

Pardon my bluntness but I can't help but wonder, what if you did beat the odds with the next baby and got to keep him/her? Would it be worth it to try again despite your fears? I'm sorry! I know it's probably not that simple and I am sure all of these things have crossed your mind. You'll figure out what's right for you and you'll do the right thing. And when you and Ryan are 100% on the same page, you'll know for sure that an answer has come! :)


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