Monday, September 20, 2010

happy 14 months baby girl

Hi Peanut.

     so you're 14 months. where has the time gone? how can you possibly be so old? before i know it, ill be saying your 14 years old. i can only imagine the trouble you would be getting into. major amounts of messes. screaming fits. attitude. new teeth. lack of sleep. runny noses. running after you. new foods. chubby cheeks.
oh my love. you are perfect.
this weekend a few songs kept coming to me. the same songs i would sing to you over and over again. you know i wasn't good at remembering songs without the music and i never knew cutie nursery rhymes or church songs. (sorry babe) so you usually got a verse or 2 of lady gaga's poker face, zac brown bands chicken fried, spice girls tell me what you want... the more mellow songs included- selena's dreaming of you, from the disney movie oliver and co.'s good company, rihanna's hate that i love you or the popular choice somewhere over the rainbow.
i tried. probably didn't do that great of job teaching you morals with some of those songs but i figure we would talk about lady gaga's disco stick when the time came years down the road. i would make up some fun story about a beautiful flower and a watering can like they did in now and then. it would be simple and you wouldn't really care because you would always be innocent and pure and never think about boys in that way - right?!

anyway- being 14 months i guess i still don't need to worry about that. back to the original topic. i have been singing those songs in my head over and over. thinking of you when i would sing them. i have tried to sing them to other kids but they don't appreciate my angelic voice like you. you would usually coo and aww at me then throw me a flirty smile letting me know my voice was like angels. you always made me feel good about myself. even on those ugly, smelly, lazy days you would suck that dried milk off my shoulder and nuzzle up to my smelly neck. music was huge in our house. we would listen to all kinds before you were born.  i would keep the radio on the spanish station in hopes you might be bi-lingual. your dad thought i was crazy. i didn't care. after you were born i made sure you had your ipod every night to go to sleep with. i know i need some soothing sounds to fall asleep so naturally i figured you did to. i was right. you loved your "kenzie play list" full of our favorite soft songs. you always liked when dad or i would sing to you.
we would have wild singing- dance parties on a regular basis. they were pretty fun. you sure enjoyed them. legs would be kicking, arms would be flying, tongue would be waggin! you were spectacular!

life has slowed down and become much more boring. dad and i don't find it as entertaining to dance around without you there as our excuse. ill jam out in the shower or car but try to keep a more sophisticated persona around others. you made me enjoy life so much more. those little things i never do now i did with you. we didn't rush our day. we didn't worry about what tomorrow or next week would bring. we just wanted to live for that moment. make that day and that hour great. we wanted to smile. we wanted to laugh. so we did whatever possible to make that happen. thank you for giving me that gift. thank you for showing me that side of me. i have never smiled so much- laughed so much- as then.

seriously kenz- how can you be 14 months? life has flown by since you went back to heaven. those few months you were with us seemed like a whole lifetime. even looking back it seems like it was years and years not 4 months 3 weeks and 4 days. that's a good thing though. its a good thing your life seemed to last so very long. we got to experience quite a bit in that short amount of time. we got to soak up more than what most get to in years.  we didn't take advantage of a second. even if we were just holding each other, we felt each moment. i would touch your skin, stroke your face. back then i just didn't want to miss anything just because. i didn't want to wake up and say holy cow your 14 months and i don't remember what your skin felt like last year. i wanted to feel your breath. i wanted to feel the heat off your body. i wanted to engulf myself in your essence. to be in your presence was a blessing. a true gift that I'm honored to have been apart of.

daddy and i went to see you. we laid on the grass. i felt the grass. i touched the grass. i held the grass. you lay under that grass. i smelled the smells and i felt it. we took advantage of that moment. the moment where we could feel something your body is close to.
every time the wind blows i stand there. i let it knot up my hair. i shiver when its cold. i close my eyes and i just breathe. those are moments i soak up so i can be close to something that's close to you. where you are now.

I'm learning baby. I'm learning to live life again. its been scary because you taught me how before.
i guess my biggest challenge is learning to live with you still. you will forever be here. with us. our daughter.
thank you for the last 14 months. thank you for those opportunities of happiness even if i didn't take them. ill do better in the future. i know your sending them. thank you for watching over daddy and i. thank you for watching over so many others. you are giving us life again. in a different way.

i miss you terribly.
i love you forever.
love mom.


Liesl said...

this is beautiful and as always i find myself with tears in my eyes. thanks for sharing

brigette said...

So beautiful!! I think your amazing Kendra!

Shawna said...

You always make me cry with your touching words. You sound calmer today and more reflective of your love than anything else. I'm glad of that. While you will always grieve some, I'm glad you can hang on to your love for Kenzie because it is that love that means more than anything and that will endure.

Jenni said...

What a beautiful post. That baby girl is so blessed to have a mommy like you!

Alerie said...

My oh my you have a way with words. This was so beautiful and so touching. You never fail to amaze me. Happy 14 months Makenzie!! You continue to change people for the better!! Much love to all of you!!

GINA. said...

This post made me smile. You are amazing. Remember that! AMAZING. So was Makenzie. And she continues to live on.

You sound so much better Kendra. You are learning to live. WITHOUT forgetting about her. You're going to be alright! And she's alright cause she's watching how amazing you are. She's proud of you from way up there.

Sending many hugs and many more prayers...

Anonymous said...

Kendra: The connection between mother and daughter is so very strong. I know - my sweet mother, your Grandma D, is not here on this earth but I feel her love and influence every single day of my life. I miss her more than words can express. I know she watches out for her 5 girls, all her grandchildren and her family. She loves me and all of us still. Same with Kenzie - she knows you love her and that love will never subside, dimimish, fade, or go away. She smiles at you every day. She is hoping you will continue doing good things because she knows you have so much more life to live. I can only imagine how hard it is to live your life without her but you have lots to do still. You will have so much to tell her when you see her again and she will be so proud of all you will accomplish. Love to you always - your Auntie M (Mary)

Emma said...

What a beautiful, love inspired post! It is amazing how I can feel the love you have for your little girl through your words. You are right, Kenzie taught you to live in a whole new way and is so incredible that she is still teaching you every step of the way. I know she is sending you moments, thoughts, songs at the right time etc to make you smile and I am glad you are able to hold onto some of those more lately. It isn't easy, but grasping those times to be happy she sends you will help-it will take time but you are on your way!
Happy 14months Sweet Kenzie! Thanks for teaching us all about life and love. Hugs, Em


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