Wednesday, September 1, 2010

be real

be real.
please oh please be real. be out there somewhere. i don't want you in my imagination anymore. i want to know. i want to feel. please be real. even if i cant see you. make sure your around. be around. be in the wind. be in the sun. be in our room. be with us. please baby. we need you. i don't want this to be a dream. i don't want to just hope to see you again. i want to know it. be real. i know ill be living this life-the rest of my life-without you. it scares me. i hate it. i don't want to say it. i don't want to admit it. but. it will be so much easier if i know your real. that someday. ill be with you again. dancing around. laughing. and loving on your forever. i cant sleep. I'm praying to hard. to long. just praying your real. praying this isn't some trick. that there really is something after this. crying myself to sleep is the norm. my pillow is wet. my tears are heavy. and I'm reaching for you. every night. how do i feel you? i ask for help. i ask others. i never get an answer. ill just feel you is what I'm told. what is that? how is that? what do i need to do? whats the feeling? a few times i remember feeling you. long ago. i cant remember what happened but i know the feeling was without question. i dont feel that anymore. its been months. just visit me in my dreams. just once. let me pretend. people tell me to keep dreaming of you. i hate dreaming. i hate sleeping. your never in my dreams. i want you there. i ask every night. it never happens. at least that i can remember. I'm heavy. I'm moving. i think you would be proud that I'm trying. harder than i ever have in my life. I'm smiling. I'm laughing. I'm making myself live. but not one second is lived without you in my mind. i see you in everything. i feel myself forgetting. forgetting details. i want to remember everything. i wish i wrote more. why do i feel you slipping way more and more everyday?
how can i accept that. I'm fighting it now. i get angry if minutes pass by that i didn't think of you. i feel i have to keep you in the front of my head at all times. i worry you will be sad or upset if i don't. i don't want you to ever think ill forget you. i don't want you to think i don't miss you. i worry about you.
please be real. please don't just be a wish.


Candace said...

Love you Kendra... praying for you

The Pachuilo Family said...

Oh Kendra,
I will tell you this, your daughter will come and you will feel of her love. Sometimes they come when we least expect them too. Hang in there girl, your amazing!

Alerie said...

Kendra I am so sorry!!

I will be praying that you are able to feel her with you or see her in your dreams. Just know that she is always with you even if you don't feel it. It is ok for you not to think of her every minute. I promise she won't be upset. She knows that you have other things going on in your life like work, school, friends, family, etc. She is probably happy that you have those things to loose yourself in sometimes. She wants you to be happy and I promise she also knows how important and special she is to you. You showed her that while she was here and continue to show her that with things like Makenzie days, the Live, Laugh, Breathe event and I'm sure in many daily things you do too.

I will also pray that you find some peace in knowing that you will get to see Makenzie again. I know you will see your beautiful Makenzie again. I promise you this is not a trick. I hope someday you are able to feel this and know this with all of your heart so you may find some peace inside.

You are amazing and you are doing amazing with this trial you have been given. All your feelings are very valid and ok. We are all here for you. Much love!!

Alerie said...

p.s. - that picture is beautiful. it really shows your bond, love for each other and the strong feelings a mother has towards her child. i love it!!

brigette said...

Sweet Kendra oh how I understand this feeling... we want it to be so and we hope that its real but somedays those crazy thoughts creep into our heads and give us doubts. I pray that you feel your Kenzie today or see her in your dreams. Its harder the longer its been but I know you wont forget and she knows you love her.. how couldnt she. You do the most amazing things to keep her memory alive!! Your are amazing and a great example to me. Your blog keeps me going on my dark days. I pray our sweet babies are up there playing together and keeping each other safe until we get there! Much love Kendra


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