Thursday, February 18, 2010

happy 7 month bday baby.

.7 months.
not sure what to say today.
don't know why this morning was so hard.
woke up early to get ready for school- after i got out of the shower couldn't do anything but go in her room. i picked out the outfit i would have dressed her in today- i loved this sweater dress that i bought for her with cute leggings. i whispered what i would have done with her today. i held her socks and diapers and hats and bows.
i looked at her pictures- trying to feel her in my arms, trying to smell her hair.
i looked around that room- that room that we spent hours/days/months getting ready. making it perfect for her. i remember the thought i had when picking out that specific pink for her walls. i remember the visions i had of how i wanted it all to look. i tried to make it a room she would love for years to come.
i held the small amount of hair we took in the hospital. i held her obituary. i held her hand molds.
i read my mini-diary that i kept in the hospital. i wrote down our dreams.
if you don't remember- since she was born i hated going to bed- leaving her in her room- not being with her. so we made up dreams to dream every night so we wouldn't ever have to be apart. i continued that in the hospital. i read how our dreams changed. they went from dreaming we were dancing with our dolls to dreaming we could find what was wrong with her.
(that dream was 12/1 and we got the diagnosis the next day)
i sat on that big ball i used while in labor. i thought about that day- 7 months ago. how could i have ever dreamed this is where i would be today.
without her.
i still don't believe this is my life.
it just cant be.
i ended up staying in there all morning- didn't go to school because i lost track of time.

going to meet with the wonderful dr. swoboda later today.
kenzie was officially diagnosed with smard on dec. 31, 2009 and we haven't talked to her in detail about it yet. the Internet is useless at this time. smard is so new and so rare that there really is no information on it- except for what a FEW sweet people have written on their personal websites or blogs. i think they probably know more than any doctor but i still need this all written out for me before i can really believe its true. she will tell us our options for the future. i want to know more- everything i can about this horrible disease that i hate. i hate that word smard- i hate that meaning- i hate that it took my daughters life. i hate that it continues to take other precious children's lives.
I'm praying extra hard today. to walk back into that hospital. to talk to that same doctor. to understand what she is telling me.

oh kenz... please baby- be with me today. all day. i cant believe how much i love you. i cant believe how much i hurt just wanting to hear you.
just to say your name, have anyone say your name.
i need that.
i miss you.


Tiff@ny said...

Happy 7 months Makenzie!!!

Kendra you are in my prayers today. I hope you get some answers today that will possibly give you a better understanding and maybe some more peace. Not sure how but that is what I hope for you and your husband. As hard as this day is for you I hope you have the most beautiful memories or this precious little angle. I hope Kenzie spends this day holding you and helping you through it.

Please if there is anything I can ever do for you do not hesitate to ask. I know you have a wonderful support system already but from what I read in your comments we are all here for you.

Our prayers are with you!

Emma said...

I am glad you took your time today, to escape into Kenzie on such a special day. I wish she was in your arms, I wish you could hear her, see her, smell her and hold her....I am so sorry that isn't happening.
I hope meeting with the Dr. will help you to understand the disease more. You have a greater understanding about what it actually entails than anyone would ever want, but to know medically what it means is different...and I totally get why you would need that.
YOu will be in my thoughts and prayers as you go throughout this day. I know each and every day is hard but some make these emotions more raw. I hope you and Ryan can hold one another, comfort one another and talk about your sweet girl together...
Hugs today and always,
PS, Kenzie's room is stunning, such time, effort and love went into all of it. What a special Mom you are, and were before she was even here!

Tara Bennett said...


Thinking of you today and I hope you get all the information from Dr Swoboda that will help you make more hard decisions in the future.

One thing I do when I have major appointments like that for Chloe is take a recording device so I can go back later and listen. I just can't process everything and I almost always catch something important when I go back and listen to the recording. Just a thought.

Love you guys. Happy 7-month Bday, Sweet Kenzie! You are so lucky to have such an amazing mommy and daddy who love you SO much. Be with them, baby girl! Let them feel you!!!

debbie said...

Kendra, you and Kenzie take my breath away. Praying for you today like always.

Stacy said...

Praying for you today Kendra! I hope the doctor is able to give you some information you need, more importantly I hope you can feel Kenzie today. {{hugs}} ~ Stacy

Alerie said...

Happy 7th month birthday Makenzie!!

Kendra I am glad you were able to take some time out for yourself this morning and do what you wanted. I have no doubt in my mind that the outfit you picked out for Makenzie would of had her looking like she just walked out of a baby magazine. She was always dressed so cute!! You are such a good mommy!!

I hope today went well with the doctor and that you and Ryan got some answers that you needed.

I thought about you, Ryan and Makenzie all day. I hope that you were able to feel her comfort and love today. I know she loves you both so much....she knows what special parents she was blessed to have. Always thinking about you and praying for you!! Much love!!

Jessica and Reece said...

Happy birthday Makenzie! You are beautiful and I love you, even though I never knew you. Give your mama lots of loves this week :)

*Amber* said...

How gorgeous. You both amaze me!!!!
Happy 7 months!


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