Thursday, February 4, 2010

dont understand

who has seen that tv show teen mom?
i will admit I'm a reality show junkie. i wish i didn't HAVE to watch these shows but I'm addicted.
this show- i hate it- but i have to watch it.
after i watch it.
I'm mad.
- good thing the season is over!

i don't understand Gods reason. why will he give a perfectly healthy baby to these teen girls who wanted nothing to do with children yet a mom and dad who have desperately wanted a child don't get that opportunity. how does it make sense that there are thousands of sweet little orphans around the world but my makenzie had to die? how does one child get to live and another doesn't? don't get me wrong- i would never wish someone else to loss their child- i just don't understand how it makes any sense to have one family lose a child when other children are born to families who don't want them. HELLO GOD- you have some serious explaining to do.
I'm sorry but this post is not so nice.
I'm just angry and i needed to write.
i worked late today, ryan joined a bow league so he was gone by the time i got home. i kept thinking about going home to an empty house. i was offered to have company but i have so much homework so i declined but now- maybe i should have- coming home to this empty house makes me mad. I'm so angry that i don't have an almost 7 month old to come home and play with. I'm angry those dumb moms out there that don't take care of their children have their children and totally take advantage of them. how could you? for all you other moms- you moms who kiss your kids every night and who know this love i feel for makenzie- I'm amazed by you, thank you and kiss your baby one extra time tonight for me.

i realized today, ill never get to take makenzie to the zoo.
why does this make me so sad?
why does it make me so mad that she will never get to see those gorillas?


Lee M. said...

Came here from a link from Molly's photography- I am crying for you, so sorry about your precious baby. I can't imagine- it takes my breath away just to think about the unthinkable. You'll be in my prayers. Give Harley a pet, sounds like he is missing her too.

starnes family said...

Kendra, I completely understand your not understanding b/c I'm there, too. My sister and best friend in the world has a multitude of illnesses and cannot have children. It breaks my heart every day of my life. She is so's been devastating.

Praying for you.

Marcia said...

I go through the anger from time to time. My reasons are different, but I get what you are saying. It's completely normal and God's a big boy - he can take it. Sometimes my prayer life is little more than, "It isn't FAIR! and I'm MAD AT YOU!" - It's really, really ok to let yourself feel it.

Trevor and Hilary said...

I have had this same thought so many times. You are not alone. Love ya!

Alerie said...

Kendra I think about this all the time. My sister-in-law is not able to have children without help from IVF and when she finally got pregnant from that she lost her twin boys late in her pregnancy. I have never understood this either and it is definitely something I would like explained some day too. It just breaks my heart and makes me SO mad at the same time that so many deserving couples who would be the most amazing parents in the world go through things like this. ARGH!!!!

I am so sorry about the zoo. Maybe you could send Makenzie a balloon with monkeys or animals on it. I am sure she would love that!! Or you could go to the zoo and take pictures that you could put inside the balloons for her.

Always thinking of you every day!! Much love!!

Jessica and Reece said...

Ever since I first started reading your blog, I've made sure to spend extra time focusing on nothing but my girl. Thank you for reminding me what's most important.

Unknown said...

Amen to your thoughts on Teen Mom- I hate the show, but can't not watch it, I even DVR it?! The only couple who should even be allowed near a child, chose the selfless route and gave their child up for adoption. I want to take all those babies from those girls and raise them.
We don't always know Heavenly Fathers plan, and many times we don't like his plan, but know that it is a perfect plan. I want to share a story about a dear friend of mine- Her and her husband started trying the day they got married to have children, they wanted at least 5 or 6. They tried and tried and tried with no luck- test after test came back normal- finally after 5 years they found out why they couldn't conceive- devastating! They started the adoption process- if you knew them today and didn't know their story you would look at them and say "What a perfect family!" The road has not been easy, but they now have 5 beautiful children! Each of her children have a very special adoption story, that makes you cry everytime it is talked about. My friend, she will now tell you that it was literally hell not being able to have a child, but that she now knows without a doubt that this was Heavenly Fathers plan, she would never have considered adoption if she had been able to bear children herself. These 5 spirits were waiting in Heaven to find the perfect route to get to their family. Kenzie is probably dancing with her siblings in Heaven right now, telling them all about how wonderful you and your husband are!

Tara Bennett said...

Your questions and feelings are completely valid. I had the same feelings when I found out Kenzie had SMA (or what we thought was SMA at the time). I was angry and wondered why a loving God would allow His children to suffer like this. I felt blasphemous feeling that way, but they are real feelings.

The only thing that brought me comfort was when I prayed about it and asked God why, I was overwhelmed with how much LOVE he has for Makenzie, for you and Ryan. I KNOW He loves each of you. I hope you can feel that love to get you through these feelings when they come.

"I know that [God] loveth His children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things" (1 Ne. 11:17).

Jenni said...

You have a right to be mad Kendra. There is no good explanation for why this had to happen to you, right now. That is something we'll find out on the other side. Did you find that song 'Like Stones In A River'? I tried to play it online the other day and couldn't find it to play, but I did find the lyrics. I'm going to bed now and I will say a prayer for you. Sleep good sweetie. Loves!

Jenni said...

I just read over my comment (after posting it, of course) and just wanted to make sure that you know that I don't take this situation all. My heart aches for you daily. I think of you often and wonder how you are doing. Just wanted to make sure you knew that and let you know that what you are enduring is huge. And you're amazing!:)

Sam and Julie said...

Hi Kendra,
I couldnt agree with you more; how could any mother or father not cherish the precious child that they have in their lives? I dont get it, either.

I do know one thing - I will go in and smooch up my little RJ tonight with you and sweet Kenzie in mind. Thank you for being the reminder of the mother that I need to be. You are amazing!!

Hugs and kisses from California.


PS - We'll spend a few extra moments at the gorillas for Kenz this week. But according to RJ, they're overrated. The elephants are the coolest :)

Emma said...

Don't ever feel like you can't post your real feelings, this is YOUR blog, and we are here to support whatever state your mind and emotions are in at any given time. Of course you are angry!!! Your sweet baby girl, the love of you life, was taken much too early and no mother should ever have to go through that. If you need to yell at God, do so, He can take it, he knows without you even saying the words. We don't understand everything, and I hope one day we will, but until then you let whatever emotion you are feeling don't want to hide from them or you will never move forward in your journey of learning and I know Kenzie is still teaching you each and every day. Hugs to you today and prayers for peace and overflowing love in yoru day! Em

brigette said...

Oh kendra I know the feeling all to well!! After loosing our son I hear these stories about moms smothering their babies or abusing them etc and I get so mad @ the parents and god. How is it fair for them to take their kids for granted but we who wanted them so bad loose them. Its not fair!!!! I'm so sorry your going through this. I'm starting up a blog because yours inspired me so. Its a work in progress but I hope to get it all up today! Thanks for your inspiration and sorry again for your situation! I hope to hear from you soon so we can help one another!

Anonymous said...

I do not know you but I have been following the story of your precious angel. There is another blog I have come across, and she too lost a little girl at the age of 2. Her story was on Studio 5 today and her blog is Please read, I think this link will help you to feel like it's not the end of the road.

Anonymous said...

Hello Kendra.
I also want to share a blog with you, but I had been leary too. It's so very touching and heartwrenching at the same time and I would never want to cause you any more emotional upset. This family also had a dear little angel return to Heavenly Father. While there is great sadness, there is also an amazing spiritual feeling reading about it. Here it is: There is a link to their family blog on there as well, when you click on Josh and Cali on the right side, part way down.
I also wanted to tell you how darling Makenzie's photos are with all her stuffed animals! They are some of the sweetest photos I have ever seen!
Your friend in SC.

Mother 25 - 8 said...

I have those same questions. Why women who don't want their kids or end up hurting their kids get them in the first place and those who have so much to give, at times can't. I don't know. And yes, it makes me angry most of the time. I don't have answers. One day though, not in this life, but in the next, I'll know.

Jill said...

Some friends in our ward had a little girl who died at 24 months old from the same thing Kenzie did. They went on to have four perfect kids after that. When I asked them about the risks, they just responded that it took a lot of prayer and prompting, but they knew that their other kids would be healthy. I hope you don't give up praying and find a way to release your anger at God. He has so many blessings waiting for you.

Brian and Rebecca Nate said...

I think that there are a lot of things in life that we don't know the answer to. Why did I decide to go into that cafe on that day to see that guy? Why did that drunk driver kill a mother of 6? Why is there child pornography? There are so many things out in the world today that we will NEVER know the answer to. We just have to have faith that there is a plan even though we don't understand it sometimes. When I lost my little boy 10 years ago I also screamed WHY? 3 months later a 16 year old in our town went into premature labor and kept her 26 week old little boy. I was married in the temple, I was trying to do the things I'm supposed to do and my baby dies and this teenager keeps hers?! WHY? There are no answers. Heavenly Father knows why but we probably never will. I do know that things happen for a reason and even if we don't understand them now, we will in the end.
I love the pictures of Kenzie in the stuffed animals. So precious, so beautiful, so innocent.
I also thought your dream was awesome. Heavenly Father knew that you needed some comfort and to be able to hear all those children, who may have been in pain or handicapped here on earth, laughing and having fun in Heaven is so wonderful. They are in a better place. It doesn't make it any easier on you or your heart, but keep going. One foot at a time.


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