10 Month Favorites

Playschools Step Start Walk n Ride: I picked one of these up at goodwill thinking Tracker might like it at some point. I had no idea he would love it and use it as much as he does. I think any sort of walker like this is awesome. We bought Tracker an actual walker- the kind he sits in. and he hates it. Really he will only semi tolerate it when he is outside in it. But with the Walk n Ride he can cruise anywhere he wants. He can pull himself up and take off.

Shopping Cart Cover: I am all about the cart covers. I am disgusted when he tries to suck on the bars. Seriously why does he want to do that every time? and since Tracker has now had 2 viruses that are pretty nasty ones from people not washing their hands this is one of the many things I'm trying to be proactive about to ensure he doesn't catch another virus. On top of it making the whole shopping process more sanitary they make it more comfy as well since its padded. They are super easy to take on and off and I usually throw mine in the washer every other week.

Banana Flavored Snack: I had to put this on here because these bad boys are Trackers absolute favorite. However I have only been able to find them at the Asian market in Tacoma. Seriously! My sister in law got him addicted to these Korean treats so we stalked up when we were in town but he has since gone through them. and now he is sad. and so am I since they are actually pretty good. So if you ever see a bag of these- snatch it up. 

Baby Banana: I guess we are loving the banana stuff this month. I got the Baby Banana a few months back for Tracker but he has just recently started using/playing with it. I love it because its a toothbrush and he loves it because it feels good on those sore gums. WIN! The little banana peels are designed so they cant stick it to far back in their mouth and its all rubber so its not something I am super worried about giving him when we are in the car or when he is crawling around the house with it in his mouth like a puppy.

Honest Diapers and Wipes: I started using the Honest products a few months back. Fell in love with the lotions, soaps, cleaning products, etc. I was a bit more hesitant to get the diapers because they seemed expensive. After doing more research and breaking down the cost. The honest diapers are really to much more expensive than ordering a box of huggies or pampers off amazon along with some wipes. But the best part is these products are all eco-friendly, non toxic and chemical free. After getting my first month of diapers/wipes I was hooked. The first diaper rash Tracker got that I tried to wipe and he didn't scream his bloody head off- I realized these wipes are a dream. They don't burn his poor little bum. and if we are going to talk about another important feature- the prints are adorable. Now I'm sure you are wondering who cares if a diaper is cute?! Really- no one. but when Tracker is sporting his T-shirt and diaper only on those super hot days- I don't feel like he is really in just a diaper, Its kind of like I got him dressed :)

If you are interested in getting a sample or ordering the full on package click HERE...

Playskool Poppin Park Elefun Busy Ball Popper: Okay can that name be any longer? Geesh... So this was a Christmas present from Santa for Tracker. Not sure why I was certain he needed anything for Christmas since he hasn't been interested in any of the stuff we bought until many months later but whatev. but I'm glad he got this. He pushes the button to turn it on and gets excited when the balls start popping up. He pulls them out of his trunk and then stuck them back in. I love that its helping with his hand/eye coordination and he is having fun as well.

Needed to write

Before I dive into this post I had to apologize for the lack of goods on this blog. Seriously I feel like I barely am keeping up on the other blog and its all very much documenting. I haven't been able to just write in so long. I seriously don't have time. All you Mums are probably laughing at me. Seriously. I have 1 child. I only work part time. and I don't have time? There are full time Mums, full time workers, with multiple children. How do you all do it? I have said several times I am not sure we will have another kid because I cant get my shit together with 1. We are nearing the 1 year mark. Seriously. How is my booboo a year? *insert broken heart* He is seriously pure happiness. He is amazing. but he isn't easy. I'm sure no child is easy but I can only compare to him.

So I have to say this Mum/Wife/Human being balance is seriously HARD. I am to tired at the end of the day to be a good enough wife to Ryan to give him quality time (not always the dirty). I am consistently feeling guilty for not bringing in more of the money to help our family. I then feel guilty to even think about working out side the home and not being here for Tracker. People seriously its hard.
When Makenzie was born we were in a situation I had to work. There was no option for me to stay home. I was lucky enough to get 12 weeks of maternity leave and then I had to go back. I only worked a month and a half before Makenzie was admitted to Primary Children's and I stopped working again. The month and a half was HORRIBLE. Every single day I dropped her off I cried the entire way to work. I couldn't stop thinking of her. I felt extreme guilt. I was consistently trying to figure out how I could be home with her. I loved my job at the time. I was successful and starting a career. I felt fulfilled in that aspect of my life but all of that at the end of the day didn't matter when I was coming home just a few hours before Makenzie went to bed.
Now here I am. Home. and I still feel that guilt.
I am living my dream. I thank Ryan everyday for letting me stay home and take care of Tracker. Everyday I am amazed I get to do this everyday. I honestly cant justify actually having Tracker in daycare and going to work because at this moment I don't have to. I am lucky enough to have a part time job from home and that really should satisfy my guilt. I guess its not that getting out of the house/sacrifice I imagine always imagined I was going to have. I never thought I would be able to be home with my kids.
I do miss the success. I felt good about myself. It was nice when I would get recognized for completing a task. I don't really get a review, award or praise for finishing the laundry.
(although I seriously think I should)

Can any of you other Mums relate?
I know I'm totally asking for to much! I want one thing and I get it. Then I'm not satisfied.
I just have to get more of a balance and be happy with that balance.
I have been trying harder to exercise more regularly.
I am working harder on strengthening my relationship with God.
and I am always working on being the best wife and Mum to my favorite boys.
and I will work harder on being a better blogger because seriously I love it.

She is 4.

It's the same every year. Days. Weeks. Leading up to this day my mind can't get off July 18. What that day was. What emotions were filling that room. The moment we met. The moment we became a family. It's the best most beautiful memory I will ever have. The day my husband became a father. The day I became a mother. You gave us such a beautiful life my love. Thank you for coming to us. Thank you for choosing us. I can't imagine my life without this day.
Any parent knows that feeling. That moment where everything in the world stops. That moment your mind goes completely blank and focuses on that one thing. Your entire body is overcome with this warmth. The moment in between labor and the gross stuff after. That moment that in my mind seemed to last forever. It seemed to freeze. It's so clear in my mind. The moment you were no longer a day dream and a constant wonder of who you are. The moment you become my entire world. The moment my life drastically changed. Everything is right. Everything is good. And there is no denying how close The Lord is.
That moment you left heaven to brave this world. Where you knew what was to come and you still chose to come.
Makenzie rye thank you. Thank you for that moment. For giving me the very first breath you ever took. Thank you for your life. Thank you for teaching me. I am forever grateful to have you as my daughter. 
My love, tomorrow you will be 4. I have so many questions as to where you are, how are you, what are you doing, are you happy? Who are you with and what things have you learned? Are you 4 in heaven or just 4 here? Questions I wish I could ask. Questions I know I won't know the answer to for a while. 
What I imagine is you are surrounded with our family. Grandmas, grandpas, friends, uncles and my sister. You are ridiculously spoiled. You are loved beyond words. You are happy. You are with us when we need you. You are with your brother a lot. You smile. You dance. You move. And today all you see is balloons. You are with The Lord and he tells you again about how special this day is. He tells you what an amazing thing you did. That you were extra special. That you had a different light and so you were chosen. You are very special to The Lord. 

Happy birthday my sweet girl. I miss you. I wish I was celebrating with you. I wish I was giving you a party you could enjoy here. Not one you will observe from heaven.
You are so loved my girl. By so many people.
Dad and I are aching for you. Catch all our balloons and kisses.

Leggings

We are more than half way through the year and I have yet to post much about leggings!
We are collecting leggings until November. If you are not sure what the leggings project is about go HERE and read all about it. Over the past 3 years we have been able to collect over 3000 pairs of leggings. Amazing. I cant thank every single one of you that has helped spread the word, collect leggings, sew leggings, buy them... You are all amazing. Over 3000 leggings means 3000 kids with a pair to keep their arms and legs warm. I cant wait to see how many we are able to donate this year.
I still have cookbooks (seriously :/ ) and if there are any cookbook sales all money will go toward the leggings project. If you choose to purchase that way you will get a pretty awesome cookbook out of it.
I have been making recipes like crazy out of that book. I cant believe how amazing every single recipe is. You wont be disappointed. You can order a cookbook to the right of the blog.

Makenzie's birthday is in 2 days. Can you believe she would be 4.
I cant imagine having a 4 year old running around.
I wish so much I did.
I miss her. I miss her so much.
I can only imagine the birthday celebration she will be getting in heaven.
If anyone of you happen to visit the cemetery make sure you send me a picture. I have loved getting those from people. esp since I cant visit her right now its been so nice knowing someone is.

9 Month Favorites

Honest Healing Balm: I started slowing introducing some of the Honest products a few months ago by trying their samples. I soon became obsessed. Their stuff is all natural and doesn't have any harsh chemicals or toxins that you would be surprised to find in other baby items. They have everything from diapers to toothpaste. Tracker has had some bad diaper rashes. This stuff is like a dream. I used it once while he had a bad rash and I didn't think it did any better than any of the other creams I was trying but maybe that one day was a fluke because I tried it again and his rash was gone the next day. I have since only used this whenever he gets a rash and its honestly gone within hours. I also used it for weird thing I had on my skin and it cleared it right up.
If you want to try the Honest products go here.

Ikea Vessla Storage Crate with Casters: I love this storage container. It was especially handy in our move. It holds a lot of stuff but isn't to big an bulky. It has wheels which is awesome as well as a lid. Its super easy to stack. I packed a lot of Trackers things into these and it was so easy to take in and out of places. The best part is they are cheap. Score!

See Kai Run Smaller: These shoes are some of my favorites. Babies learning to walk are not suppose to have bulky soles but so many of the soft sole shoes seem to be too soft and slippery. I love that these have little traction pads on the bottom. They are so easy to get on and off. Tracker has fat feet so its hard finding shoes that fit him but these fit awesome. They stay on his feet even when he tries to kick them off which NO other shoe does.

Hylands Teething Tablets: I bought these when we were going through the terrible week of 4 teeth popping through hoping they would help this boy. They must be miracle pills because they totally worked. I would give him 3 when he started to fuss and hold onto his mouth and it was almost immediate that he would stop. They have saved me!

Sophie Giraffe: I could have posted about Sophie for months now. We love her but what kid doesn't? I haven't added her until now because she has become Trackers BFF this last month. He has been more obsessed with her than ever. He chews on her but more than that he waves her around making her squeak like crazy. Its hilarious to watch because he gets so into it. This is definitely a toy to buy when they are young though and it will last a while.

Fisher Price Monkey Dancing Bandstand: This was so generously gifted to us by the Allens (thanks again guys ;) It has to be the most annoying toy. Okay maybe not the most annoying but its over stimulating to me. BUT Tracker is obsessed. He seriously plays with this toy more than any other toy he has x10. I do love how much fun he has playing with it. I love that he can pull himself up and stand and keep playing. I love that he can play with the mat and still have it make noise and light up. As much as we don't LOVE this toy its not about us. It makes our boy so happy.

Ella's Kitchen Squeeze pouches: Although I make the majority of Trackers food, I don't make it all. If we are going on a trip or ill be out and about all day I don't take the food I have made because that stuff has to stay in the refrigerator and I worry to much about how long its left out. I love Ella's meals and so does Tracker. Some of the combinations don't sound all that appetizing (like spinach, apples and rutabagas) but they end up being really good. I don't know if you are like me but I try all of Trackers food. Honestly I don't want to feed him something I wouldn't eat myself.
Ella's is all natural and organic.

Flooded

It still comes. In heavy waves. 
Big waves. 
It's been a while since the last one. 
I thank god they don't come as often as they once did. Those days were... Nearly impossible. 
When they come now I know I just need to hold on. Keep breathing and I know it will be over soon. I pray. I sit. I immerse myself in my son. Because that's all I can do. 
Today I had to pull over. Not really sure what happened. I hadn't been thinking of anything in particular. Just driving. My baby asleep in the back. I need to keep driving until the store opens and cant park or Tracker will wake up. 
But then she came into my mind. Lately they are happy memories. They make me smile. Then I just talk to her. but when it's a wave. When it's grief. It's different. It's like my heart remembered all over again how half of it is missing. and how painful that missing is. 
Then those images flood my vision. 
The road ahead gets foggy and I have no choice but to get off the street. I pulled into a parking lot and the flood gates open. It's like a slide show of her. 
Her birth. 
The moment we met. 
The smile. 
Her breathing. 
Her eyes. 
Waking up to get her. 
Holding her. 
Carrying her up the stairs. 
Cradling her body in mine. 
The fear. 
The sickness. 
The weakness. 
The hospital. 
The tubes. 
The beeping. 
Nurses. 
Doctors. 
The diagnosis. 
Her fate. 
Her eyes. 
Her breathing.
Her lack of movement. 
Hunched over the rail until the bottom half of me was numb. 
Tears. 
Helpless. 
Lifeless. 
Numb. 
Empty. 
Dirt. 
Ground. 
Where she will forever be. 
It runs through my mind over and over. 
Fast. Slow. Fast. 

Then its interrupted at the exact time I start falling. Its interrupted with the sweetest sound. Its interrupted by the gift she gave us. Her little brother. He brings me back to this moment. Right now. How much has changed. I remember she is near. I wish I could see her. Feel her.
How much I miss her. That beautiful. Strong. Full if life little muffin that had a short stay in my arms. That didn't stay long enough. I miss her. She will be 4 years old in a month. I see all these other kids turning 4. She would be that big. She would be talking. She would have such a big personality. She would have likes and dislikes. When I picture Makenzie I imagine a baby. but she wouldn't be a baby. That is crazy to think. 

I miss her. I cant believe how much that missing hurts at times.
but at the same time I am consistently reminded how thankful I am for her. 
For the life she gave me. For the life she left. For what she taught me. 
Everyday I look at Tracker I am reminded once again just what she did for me. For him.
She taught me how to love on the deepest level my heart could bear.
She showed me what living is.
I am very aware I wouldn't be the mother I am to Tracker if it wasn't for her.
I hope he understands that one day.
I hope he really understands the blessing his sister gave him. She is watching out for him. Always has and I always will. 

Q&A Answers

Thank you for your questions both here and through email!

Do you ever go back and read your blog posts and regret anything you have said?

This blog started out as a way to update about our life. Keep track of what we have done. It then turned into my journal. Something I treasure. I turn my blog into a book at the end of every year. This is something I will save forever. Something my children will be able to read and see the path we have walked. I don’t regret anything I have ever said. I might wish I had made different choices in life but not what I have said about it because those were my feelings. Those were my emotions and if I wouldn’t have been honest- I might not remember when I look back on those moments in life.

I have noticed that you are really transparent with your feelings. How do you decide what to share on your public blog and what not to share? I often want to write (On my blog) about some tough issues, but I fear that I will be judged and misunderstood. Any suggestions?

I honestly wish I could just have kept this blog up and not needed to get a second. I love sharing everything about my life and being very open and honest. The main reason I had to start a separate blog was because I was sharing A LOT of information about Tracker. I don’t mind who knows what about me and I try not to care about negative opinions others have with me. But when it came to Tracker. That’s a whole different story. I honestly couldn’t keep sharing so much of him so openly for his safety. I wanted to still blog about him because I don’t keep up on my scrapbooks or hand written journal very regularly and I didn’t want to forget anything about all these amazing stages of his life. Starting a separate blog has let me do that. I will start blogging here more often but not as much about Tracker.

I think you should only share what you are comfortable with. I have written several blog posts that I never posted. There is a whole different side to my life before getting married that I rarely talk about. It’s so hard to let people into your world because no matter who you are or what you do, someone is against you. It’s so silly and so unnecessary. I don’t understand it. I wish I knew who some of these people were and that I could really see into their world but honestly those are the people who would never share their life because they are not honest and genuine. Their world is not perfect and they are probably doing a lot of things they don’t like so they feel bad about themselves. That’s what I have to keep reminding myself when I get a nasty gram.

BUT I think if you are willing to let people into your life. Hear your story. You will meet some amazing people, you will relate and friends will be made. I have built relationships through this blog that ill have for a lifetime. I wouldn’t ever change that. I am all for putting it all out there and letting your blog be your therapy.

(Let me know about your blog because I would love to read)

My question may have been answered and/or on the blog but I've looked for posts related to your pregnancy with the 2nd baby and I can't find them. :( Also, are y'all LDS TOO?

I didn’t blog much about our second pregnancy. I did 1 post. That post was to express feelings that I needed to get out. That time in both Ryan’s life and mine was extremely difficult. We were going through a lot both with grieving Makenzie, going through an unplanned pregnancy where our second child was sick as well as some really bad things happening in our home life as well. That time was so hard. After I talked about our baby Gracie (which is what I still call her, even though we didn’t know if it was a boy or girl) and hearing the extremely hurtful comments and emails people left. I chose not to share anything more relating to that. People made assumptions, people made judgments. and what’s so sad is no one really knows or understands or has the entire story unless you are a select few. I will not give anyone the time of day to explain myself as to what happened. It was such a personal experience. Even more so than when Makenzie passed. Ryan and I were the ones in the middle of it and we have chosen to keep it that way.

We are not active LDS members. We both grew up in the church but have since left. We have strong beliefs in God and Jesus Christ and we live our life based on what we think is right and wrong. It has taken a while but we are both very comfortable in our spirituality. It might sound strange to some but our views are not exactly the same. There are several big things Ryan believes that I don’t and vise versa. But this is an area we are very respectful of the other person and would never push the other to believe or do something different.

Will you build a memorial close to your new home?

When I have told people this they think I am crazy but I have looked into the cost of moving Makenzie. and seriously it’s unbelievably expensive. We were told it would cost $10,000 just to open the grave. That is not moving her, buying a new plot and burying her again. Seriously its crazy. We won’t be building something here in Washington but we will have an area in our home that is for her. Her pictures, a few of her things and that way we can decorate it each holiday.

I was wondering how you decided who you would have on your new blog. Is it just family/close friends?

Email me if you want to read our new blog :)

livingformrw@hotmail.com

With you guys moving, is there anything you plan on doing to make up for not being able to visit her as often?

I will be sending items for my family to take to her all the time. We are so lucky that we have so many people who are willing and wanting to visit her and make sure her spot is taken care of. We will make it a point to always go back during her birthday and angel day as those are big days for me to be there.

This year we have to work Ryan’s time off work around everyone that has already scheduled it off so unfortunately we wont be there on her birthday (which I have shed several tears about) but we will be there 2 days later and we will have a birthday party and everything for her. We will for sure be back in December for her angel day though.

How do you make Trackers baby food?

I have received so many emails about making baby food. Honestly I don’t know what I am doing. I have read a couple books and I am just winging it. I started feeding him around 4 months. I wanted to wait longer but I was desperate. I was hoping that would help with his sleeping and not eating like a horse every hour. (It didn’t really help) but I didn’t start with the typical schedule. Rice/Oatmeal- Veggies- Fruit- etc.….

His first ever meal was oatmeal but I quickly started in on the most colorful food out there. Yams, red potatoes, squash, avocado… etc.. I wanted him to have as much variety as possible. I have used the crap out of that little mesh thing that you can stick whole pieces of food in. I use spices in everything. I don’t stay away from spicy or sour. But I do watch him close when I give him something new. So far he has not had any reactions. I haven’t given him anything with nuts, diary (other than Grandmas sneaking him ice cream) or red meat.

I had given him that Gerber juice but then read they shouldn’t have juice until age 2?! Errr.. I don’t really want to wait that long. I understand it’s because of the sugar so I decided to just make my own. It’s more of a super thin smoothie but it’s all fresh fruits or veggies and I don’t add anything but maybe a little water.

I have tried to steer away from giving him a bottle of milk when he is going to sleep. Of course I used to but recently was told it’s really bad for their teeth and ears. I had no idea. He will still fall asleep sometimes while getting a bottle but I try to give him water when I know he is going to sleep. But I also limit the amount of water he gets. Geesh. This all sounds so complicate but I promise its not. I honestly don’t have the time to make a big fuss when it comes to food. But I do my best to give him the best options and variety appropriate for him. I go off the Mums instinct more than anything. If I don’t feel right about it, I don’t do it. 

8 Month Favorites

Britax Boulevard 70-G3: I did a lot of research on car seats. I am very paranoid about car safety and wanted the best for Tracker. Britax by far has the best rating around. We love the Boulevard. Tracker has a good amount of room and great cushion. Its so easy to clean after a blow out (I have first hand experience twice now). Britax has great safety rating but also awesome extras to make life a little easier.

Gerber Graduates Yogurt melts: These are rather tasty if you are like me and have to sample everything your child eats (I am not going to give him something I think is disgusting so I have to test it first) Tracker inhales them. They are easy to pack around and easy to continuously pop into the babes mouth to keep him happy. 

Gerber Graduates Waggon Wheels: Tracker loves these. I was so worried to give him one for the first time fearing he would choke on it but it dissolves really fast. Tracker pants like a dog when he sees me getting these out because he is so excited.

Baby Einstein Count & Discover Treasure Chest: Thanks to this little gem I know numbers, colors and shapes in Spanish and french in addition to English. I am putting that on my resume. and Tracker is kind of obsessed with it as well. He would be happy with this toy and this toy only. He knows how to pull the coins out of the box and put them back in the slot. He bangs and tosses this around all day long.

Evenflo SmartSteps Jump and Go: We already had the horse jumperoo and didn't think to buy one that hangs in the doorway but after our friends gave this to us and we tried it with Tracker- the horse was soon put into storage and this has never left his side. He is able to jump higher and swing in all directions. He can also turn any direction which is exactly what keeps him happy (he needs to see the entire world). I am not partial to this particular jumper. I think any doorway jumper would be great.

Nuby No-Spill Super Spout: I bought this little cup by a whim at the store to see how Tracker would do with it. He took to it right away and we have never looked back. He still has his bottle but he drinks 2-3 of his drinks out of his sippy. He love its and I love that unless he is going nuts shaking it upside down, these really don't leak much at all. Plus they are super easy for Tracker to drink from. 

Binky Sprits: If your little ones uses a binky this is a must. Its a completely natural binky cleaner. but I use it for just about everything. His toys, bottles and anything else he might get his little hands on. Its safe enough to spray the binky and put it right in his mouth. It even has a little sweet taste that gets Tracker extra excited. It might seem small but I use this several times a day since Tracker was born and I am still on the same bottle. It lasts forever.

UppaBaby G Luxe: I wanted to get a more compact Stroller this time around that would be easier to tote around and wouldn't take up as much space. We tested out several different types and fell in love with the Uppa. The G Luxe is complete luxury for our little dude. I love that it reclines, is really cushioned and open and closes so easy. Its also easy to clean. My only advice for those of you who might pick one up... It becomes top heavy when you have a drink in the cup holder and no baby in the stroller so it tips over. I hope to spare any other Mum out there from spilling an entire cup of lemonade all over the summer collection at baby gap.

Q&A

Although my blogging on this here blog has decreased I am still rather attached to it and the amazing friends and followers I have made. Some of you have moved over to the new blog but many have not. So sorry there are creepers out there and this even had to happen. In the past few months I have had several emails asking various questions and request to do another Q&A. I debated for a while but decided I really do love this blog and don't want to lose all the relationships I have built so its necessary for me to keep up on it as much as possible and also follow through with a few requests from you all. So first up.... Q&A... next, ill be doing a few tutorials on making Baby food. Those have been the top requests so hopefully that will be something to look forward to!

Like the past Q&A's.. This gives you a chance to ask me anything and ill do my best to answer.
Just leave a comment and ill get around to posting the answers hopefully next week.

People we are 4 days away from the movers coming to pack our stuff. 5 days away from it being loaded on a moving truck. and 11 days away from loading up our truck and heading to our new home. and yet I  am still not convinced it will happen. Denial? but pretty excited for whats to come.

We are getting closer to moving.

Next week everything we own. Everything we treasure. Every item in our house will be boxed up.
It will be put on a truck.
It will be moved 622 miles away.
To a place that is new. To a place we don't know. To a whole to beginning.
and I am scared.
I am scared to be away from my family.
I don't know what I am going to do not having my sister 2 minutes away.
I don't know what I am going to do being away from my mom.
I don't know what I am going to do being so far away from Makenzie.
I cant wait to be with Ryan again. To be together and not have to spend so much time apart.
but there is so much we are leaving here.
A house we have lived in for over 6 years.
Our first place.
We were so excited when we found it. We were just married and searching everywhere for a place to call home. I fell in love and said I would do anything to get it.
We have spent 6 years of our life here.
We experienced our first year of marriage here, our first real fight, our first party, our first pet, our first furniture purchase, our first stay-cation, our first house guest, our first major repair, our first summer vacation. We brought our first baby girl home here. We planned a nursery, we baby proofed, we rearranged everything to fit her stuff, we stayed up late, we got up early, we spent days out front, we rocked her, we slept next to her crib, we worried, we feared, we lost sleep here. Its where we lived the hardest days of our life. Its were we couldn't go upstairs, its where we cried in corners, where we spent days inside, where we hung pictures, where we stayed up all night watching videos of her. Its where we learned to live again. Where we learned how to love, grieve, communicate, grow, pray. Its where we went through really hard times. Its where we thought life couldn't get any worse. Its where we hit rock bottom. Its where we learned to find the good. Its where we crawled out of the dark hole. Its where we learned there was hope. That hope was on his way. We decorated her room for him. We made room for his things. We welcomed our son. Its where we experienced light, happiness and a whole different kind of love.
These walls have some of the most beautiful, most incredible days of our lives. They also hold some of the most painful and hopeless as well. It holds our life.
I am thankful for our home. For the beautiful life we have lived. I feel lucky to have been able to have found such a home and to have shared it with the loves of my life.
I am sick knowing it will no longer belong to us.
I am scared at what will come next.
I have to force myself to not curl up in the corner and cry for days.
Its hard.
but luckily the most important parts of this house are coming with me.
We will make a new home and I know it will be hard to leave there.
This house just holds the life of Makenzie.
I can still see her here.
Memories everywhere.
This will be hard.

7 month favorites

Raz-Berry Teether: Tracker loves this teether. It has a bumpy texture but is very soft. He loves to hold the ring part and pull it in and out of his mouth. We will put it in the freezer sometimes when we think his teeth are bothering him and it seems to help sooth those achy teeth.

Carters Sleeveless Onesie: These are my new favorite thing. The reason I love them is because they are sleeveless so when I layer it with other shirts its not super bulky and he doesn't get to hot. Plus they are carters and I love carter onesies. They hold up well wash after wash and seem to last longer size wise than any others I have.

Fresh Food Feeder: I like the fresh food feeder but Tracker LOVES it. I will stuff a banana, strawberry or even some chicken in this and Tracker and gum it to death. Beware it can make a huge mess when you have a messy baby like Tracker. He sucks and sucks everything he can and then he gets so excited he swings it around and smacks it on the try which then sends food flying. Its totally worth it though. It keeps him busy while I make dinner and I don't have to be consistently worried he is going to choke. The mesh net doesn't allow any chunks to come through.

Plastic Easter Eggs: Since this is a list of both mine and Trackers favorite things I had to include his most favorite toy this month. Since the day I got out all our Easter eggs he has been in egg heaven. They are the perfect size for his tiny chubby hand. We put random objects inside so they make noise when shakes them. He plays with them everywhere including the bath. They are perfect to float and made this last month extra Easter festive with a million eggs strew throughout the house.

EOS Lip Balm: This is for all the adults. Where has this been all my life? This is the absolute best lip balm ever. I have one on me at all times. Once you pick one up you will never let it go.

B. One Two Squeeze Blocks: I love all the B. products. Seriously the cutest toys ever. These blocks are so fun to stack and knock down. Tracker is all about throwing these across the room. 

Books with Sound: We love books and the older Tracker is getting the more he loves story time. I bought a couple of these books with sound and he cant get enough. He gets so excited he starts panting like a dog. Cutest thing ever. He will grab at the book and pushes the buttons I point to. He is at the perfect age to introduce these.

10 tips for selling your home.

We are in blown selling/moving mode.

Seriously it sucks to sell.

I cant believe how hard it is to keep my house show ready.

With a dog, a baby and a messy husband its near impossible. 

I feel like all I do is clean, vacuum, do dishes and hide laundry.

Maybe I shouldn't post these tips until after we actually sell but with a lot of research, with a stager coming through our place and with a great realtor we have learned some great tips and tricks to help when you put your house on the market and I wanted to make sure and share with all of you.

#1. DE-CLUTTER. I heard this over and over and just didn't realize how much you should really
de-clutter. I thought having a few cute decorations here and there was fine, hanging a picture on a big empty wall was necessary and leaving soap on the counter was fine. We were told to clean off your kitchen and bathroom counters completely. NOT even soap. Put it under the sink. We were told to take down all pictures. If someone comes through its harder for them to picture their family living there if your family is displayed everywhere. We had a picture of Jesus holding a baby in our hall and we were told to take that down because some people will be deterred from that. They don't all want a picture of Jesus in their home so they might think-- hmm I wouldn't fit into this house.
Tip: I put a basket under every sink to store all the items I use daily and also as a place to toss things when I'm quickly picking up. It looks neat and doesn't leave that space a giant mess.

#2. Dress up your entrance. We have our key box at the back door. We put it there because we had no other place to attach it. I dressed up the front of my house but didn't really think to dress up the back. Well when people come through they are standing at the door waiting for the realtor to open the key box and unlock the door. There is a lot of time for them to get a first impression. Get a new welcome mat, get a potted plant, sweep. Make it a welcoming area.

#3. Paint. I hate painting. Ryan hates painting so this was not something we wanted to do but it was necessary. Our basement was a dark grey. People want to walk into a home and have a clean slate. The majority of our house has neutral colors but the basement and our bedroom have some distinct colors/style. We painted the entire basement white. Its clean. Its fresh. It smell good and its a so much brighter. When we first moved into our house the paint was horrid. We were able to look past it and know we can paint ourselves but some people don't see past what is already there.

#4. Keep Clorox wipes in every room. Okay so maybe not every room but I keep one on every floor. Its great to grab and wipe down every surface, knob, light switch and wall at any given moment. I wash all mirrors and deep clean each room once a week but the wipes are so helpful to keep things up to par every other day.

#5. This might sound weird but make sure your toilets, microwave and fridge is clean. I never thought about these things as being that important but I have been told by several people that these are things that if clean will give a good impression and if dirty can totally deter someone.

#6. Vacuum often. I normally vacuum every other day because I hate pet hair but since we have put our house on the market I vacuum everyday. I think one of the best things to see is vacuum lines in the carpet. Always makes me feel my house is 100x cleaner.

#7. Create a getaway plan. I have a list of things I pick up, pack and ensure is taken care of before we leave the house. My check list includes:
- Pick up Harley's toys and food bowl and put in closet
- Sweep patio
- Turn on every single light and open all shades
- Put baby gear (high chair, bouncer, walker) in back of truck
- Put kitchen garbage can in closet
I go through this check list every time to ensure all these last minute things are done. Everything else I try to keep on top of throughout the day.
I also have things in the car for the dog and Tracker. Water, snacks, toys, blanket to sit on at the park, etc... That way I don't have to worry about grabbing all those little things when I'm running out of the house.

#8. Lights. Turn on every single light and open all window shades. Even if its the middle of the day. Your place will look bigger and brighter with everything open and lights on.

#9. Air Freshener. This one I have mixed reviews on. I have heard from some people to not have any air freshener because people will think you are trying to cover something up. Other people say to have some kind of sent that is like a baked good (cookies, bread, vanilla) I personally love the smell of clean. I use the Greenleaf Classic Linen spray everyday at home so I just continue what I always do with it. I think it just smells clean and is not over powering.

#10. Stage your place. I didn't really understand what this meant for a while. Staging means you stage your house to bring out all the best features, maximize the space and strategically put everything in a certain place. Many times people have to buy all new stuff when they are staging. That is so expensive. I did my best to just utilize everything we had. I moved a lot of stuff around, hung mirrors, brought in some greenery and bought some extra throw pillows. You can hire a professional stager. They really do give awesome tips that will be customized for your home. I think it was so worth having an outside person come through our home. We didn't do everything they suggested mainly because I didn't have the funds to buy  everything but we definitely listened and implemented the majority of what they suggested.


If you are selling-- Good Luck!! Put a link to your place or a place you know of in the comments. That's my bonus suggestion--- Use any situation to spread the word about your place. You never know who might be interested. Maybe by you linking your house on here, someone could be looking for just that exact place!

Update

... First off, thank you soo much for the sweet comments and support in my last post. I know how truly blessed I am to have Makenzie as my daughter and to have held and angel in my arms. I also know how incredibly lucky I am to now hold my Tracker. God has been so good to us and really has show so much love. Over the last 3 years since I have lost Makenzie one of the biggest things I have had to learn is the crazy wave of grief. The up and down is constant. The hard days come but then they go.
You do learn to live again. To smile. To breathe.
but no matter how long you are into the process you will forever have hard days and there will be many more firsts, many more triggers. and ill get through them.
Thank you for reminding me of so many things I have forgotten. You are all so sweet and such an amazing support system. Thank you for continuing to help me through this journey...

....
...
..
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There is so much going on with us I don't even know where to start.

First off we are moving!

Ryan got a promotion at work and we are relocating to the Pasco Washington branch.

We are trying to sell our townhouse right now and hope to have it sold soon.

Ryan is in Washington working and I am home with the babe and the dog.

Thankfully Ryan's work is flying him home every weekend so we are not away from each other too much. I know how big this is for a company to do this and I am forever grateful they are bending over backward to help us during this transition. Tracker and I have come to Washington for a week to look for places and get lost while Ryan works during the day.

Tracker is 7 months old.

Seriously where is the time going?

I cant believe he is more than half way to 1.

He is so close to crawling. He gets so mad that he cant figure it out yet. He rolls all over like a pro. I have a hard time keeping up with how quick he can get around. Which terrifies me for when he actually can crawl/walk/run. He has the best personality and it comes out more and more. He is obsessed with his Dad and cant get enough of him. Although when he gets home at the end of the week he gives him the cold shoulder for the night. He wont smile, wont laugh and wont go to him. Its really sad actually but by the next day he is over it and wants nothing to do with me and only wants his Dad. 

Ryan is busy busy with his new job. He is doing amazing at it and catching on great. He is working long hours and not getting done until really late so I am hoping that doesn't last forever. Its already hard enough not to see him now but I am hoping when we are finally living in the same state I get to see him then. Ryan's main worry about moving was not being able to visit his family and go hunting so we already have a few trips planned so he can indulge in both.

I am great. Working from home. Trying to keep up with daily duties and take care of this adorable little man. I am nervous to move but anxious at the same time. I think it will be fun to have a new adventure but I don't know what I'm going to do without my sister down the street and the rest of our family just a phone call away. There will be many phone calls and skype sessions I am sure.

Although things are a bit crazy right now, we are so happy and so blessed.

Feelings

This post might not make sense. It will most likely be all over the place. I just need to write.
It's been 7 months since the day tracker was born. 7 months of this new life. This life that has been simply amazing. How has it been so long since I lived that life? Being a mother with no living children? The mom who felt like I should be a mom but with no child to care for. That seemed like forever ago but so recent as well. My life being a Mum of a 7 month old son is incredible. How do I even describe it? Never would I ever expect to be this happy? Have this much love. Be this blessed? I am thankful everyday for Tracker. I tell God over and over how thankful I am for everything about him. I thank him for his eyes and ears and nose and smile and giggle and for the way he snuggled me today or the way he reaches for me. I thank him daily for it all. For giving me another day with him. and everyday I mean it more than the last day. Everyday I am more grateful.
and since the day Tracker was born I have felt guilty feeling anything but that. Gratitude. Because I feel like if I feel anything else he might take Tracker away. I feel like I have to almost walk on egg shells because if I show that I am the least bit ungrateful, impatient or sad that this will all end.
I don't know why I feel that way but I do.
I have had a really hard time understanding and managing my feelings about Makenzie.
We talk about her every single day. We say her name. We laugh about silly things she did. We ask Tracker questions about her. Everyday she is still in our home. In our life. In our family.
but everyday I also miss her like crazy. And many days I just want to curl up and beg for the world to stop spinning. To put everything on hold. and to just cry.
To miss her.
To miss her with my whole heart.
To ache for her.
To dream about her.
I feel like if I slow down or stop or surrender to those feelings ill miss out on the gift God has given me with Tracker. That ill not see something I should see. That he will think I'm taking Tracker for granted. That I'm not being a good enough mom.
So I push it away. I take a big sigh. I gulp down that giant lump in my throat and I get back to the beautiful life I have with my beautiful son.
Then it comes again. Over and over. and I don't know what to do. It seems to get harder and harder.
I want to scream it out. I want to yell. I want to curl up and let it all fall out in tears.
But I am petrified to do so. I just can't do it.
I let a little out.
But then feel overwhelming guilt and stop myself.
Everyday I look at Tracker and marvel at the child that is in front of me. and then she comes into my head.
and so does the missing. the memories. the realization that she is gone. the images of her casket. her grave. they are all in the front of my mind but I feel if I let them out ill get in trouble or something.
That God will be mad. That I'm being a selfish brat. That he has given me a new and healthy baby so I should be fine. Right?
Every picture I take of Tracker immediately is imagined in a memorial video.
sick. twisted.
I take a picture of him and his Dad and subconsciously think we will be grateful we have this picture if he dies. Every picture makes me think this. I can't bring myself to ever delete a picture of him. Not even a blurry one. Because I know how it feels when its all over and I know the feeling of wishing I had more pictures. More memories. More of her still.
There is consistently new images in my mind of him dieing.
He drowns in the bathtub, he chokes on his food, he falls, we get into a car accident, someone shakes him, he stops breathing, he gets sick. Every God damn day images run through my mind of him dieing. of god taking him. of holding his body. of having to say good bye. of planning a funeral. of making that memorial video that holds the beginning, middle and end to his life.
and everyday I make myself stop. Stop cleaning, stop working, stop taking. and sit there. Sit there and watch him. Learn every small detail. Memorize his face. His movements. His sounds. I smell him. I love on him. And I beg God not to take him.
I promise I'll be thankful. I'll love more. I'll do more with him. I'll stop more. I'll not get overwhelmed. I'll hold him more. I'll barter. I'll promise one thing as long as he doesn't take my son. Everyday.
Is this good? Is this detrimental? Is this normal?
So much love. So much hurt. So much gratitude. So much missing. So much happiness. So much fear. So much hope. So much denial.
What is okay? What is not?

I don't know.

I don't know how to sort my feelings. I don't really know how to deal with them. 

So I write.

6 Month Favorites

Manhattan Toy Winkel Color Burst Infant Toy: We just call this the crazy toy. Tracker loves this thing. Its super light so he can swing it with ease. Its soft so when he whacks himself or me in the face there are no tears. and you can put it in the freezer when they are teething and use this as another soother. Seriously we love this thing.

Carters 4 piece Jammies: Since Tracker is a rather tall little man he has outgrown his footie jammies at lightning speeds. I love the footies but man alive they can be a pain if they are to big and are so uncomfortable if to small. So these 2 piece jammies are amazing. and I love Carters. They don't look worn when you wash them a million times and they have pretty cute prints. but the best part is when they have sales... 50% off the entire store along with another 25% coupon... WooWoo!

Touch and Feel Books: Tracker is loving books right now and he is so cute with these touch and feel books. He sits so still and lets me take his finger and rub it along each texture. 

Baby Einstein take along tunes: I saw another Mum showing her little one this toy a while back and her little one was mesmerized by it. I decided to see how Tracker would like it and cant say enough good things about it. I love that there are different volume levels and that its easy to get the music to play. The lights keep him entertained and its the perfect size for him to hold. The only problem. He loves this and swings it all over and has hit himself in the face several times. and each time he is in hysterics. Its the saddest thing ever. I wish they made softer toys.

JJCole Bib: I love these bibs. They fit perfect and they are super easy to clean. They are wide around his body and hangs low and catches food that drops. I have a few different kinds of bibs but this is my favorite. 

Chobani: This is for all the Mums. These are the best. I was not a huge Greek yogurt fan when I first started eating them but I have grown to love them. They are so healthy for you and the Chobani has great flavors. They fill me up and are so great when I just need a quick little something.

Galloping Horse Jumperoo: We got this horse jumperoo years ago when Teagan (aka: mini) was a baby. I thought it was the cutest thing then. Makenzie was to small to ever use it so she never got to enjoy it but Tracker is obsessed. He is so funny on this thing. He jumps and jumps and jumps. He goes crazy in this thing. I don't think I'm particularly partial to this jumperoo I just love jumperoo's period. They have activity gyms that have a ton of stuff on it but babies cant really jump and I think the jumping part is a must. That's Trackers favorite part. 

Boppy: Okay so most Mum's have this on their list during months 1&2 right? Well I was not a boppy fan when it came to breastfeeding. I thought it got in the way. I didn't use it at all. but I use it like crazy since Tracker has started learning to sit. Its perfect to help prop him up and catch him when he falls. 

Still Here.

Man its hard for me to stay away.
I should be in bed.
Its been a long day.
...but I decided I better do a little update on the ol' blogger so all those that have emailed and left comments will know what the hell is going on :)
I am still getting the other blog up and running. I don't want it to be a piece of dirt so I am trying to make it a little cute. Plus I am very far behind in whats been going on lately so I am just trying to sort things out into posts. If you have not received and invite that doesn't mean you wont get one. I haven't sent any out. I am hoping I can have more followers than what I think so I can keep you all.
I'm sorry if I cant.
I have decided- after chatting with Ryan- that I will do a few updates here every so often so you wont be totally out of the loop. I guess I was just sharing a bit tooo much info before. and lets face it I have to put all the Tracker goodness somewhere and this is my place. This is where I document it all. It will be printed out and saved and treasured for generations to come. One day this here blog will be as valuable as say.... the hope diamond that rose threw into the ocean off the Titanic. Serious. You know its true.
okay...okay... That's a joke. but just wanting to let you know we are still here just living an extremely chaotic and busy life right now.
You know how I said this would be a year of adventure.
Little did I know how adventurous it would be.

I'm so sleepy.
The babe has been Sick and Sprouting some Teeth... Its been rough around here.
Poor Love.
I am going to try to catch some Zzzz before he wakes up screaming which could be any second.

New Blog

I love my blog. I love what it started out being and what over the years it has turned into. It's been a place to share our journey. A place to vent. A place to connect. A place to remember. It was my greatest therapy in the darkest times in my life. Because of my amazing followers and new friends I was able to get the most amazing support. I was able to see how every feeling I was feeling was totally normal. I was able to share my daughter. Thank you for letting me share my baby. Thank you for getting to know her. Thank you for loving her. Thank you for saying her name. Thank you for praying for her. Thank you for praying for us. Thank you for supporting our fundraiser. Thank you for donating leggings. Thank you for buying cookbooks. Thank you for all the positive vibes you sent hoping we would get a baby. Thank you for 2,279,635 page views. Thank you for all 6731 comments that have been left since my first post way back in 2008. Thank you for every email. I honestly think I have received more emails than comments. At least that’s how it feels (in a good way) and I’m sorry if I never got back to you. I really tried. I have made the best relationships through this place.

Over the years this has been my safe place. I have tried to protect that and I have tried to do everything in my power to keep those mean spirited people at bay and not let them have a voice. It makes me so sad that there are people who have cruel intentions and really just out there to hurt another. Who does that? Who has time for that? I don’t understand why people feel they have the right to hurt another. 

Please be nicer to each other. Please smile at a stranger. Please hold a door open. Go out of your way to make someone’s day a little better. Just be a good person. You have no idea what that other persons shoes look like so stop judging before you walk in them yourself.

In the last few months I have grown more and more hesitant on how much I share on here. I hate that. This is where I share my life. Every part of it. and until recently I have continued to do that but unfortunately Ryan and I have both decided we won’t be able to continue like this.

Especially regarding Tracker.

We have decided its not worth to keep up this blog for my benefit if that means it puts our family's safety at risk. I wish everyone had good intentions and no one was out there to ruin a good thing for the rest of us.

I will be starting a new blog that will be private. 
This blog will remain open and ill post occasionally especially about our leggings project, live laugh breathe fundraisers and occasionally I will share a bit of Tracker and what's new with us but I'll be moving the majority of our details to our new spot. If you would like to read the new blog leave a comment with your email. I'll try to add you but I think there is a restriction on how many followers you can have so you will just have to follow me on Instagram, email and watch for updates here.

Email: livingformrw@hotmail.com

Instagram name: kendrawebster

Its private as well but I will add you unless you are one of the creep-o's that’s on my shit list.

Really Really Thank You ALL for the love and support over the years! I wish I could really put into words what a difference you have made in my life. It might sound silly to some but it really breaks my heart to end this part of my life. I know ill keep up the private blog mainly because this is my journal and how I record everything I want to remember but there is something about the connections and friends you make through blogging that will soon be over and that makes me sad.

I hope you will continue to remember Makenzie. I hope you use her life as a reminder of how precious life is. I hope you continue to hold your babies closer and savor those little moments. Remember how quick life can change and that none of us knows what tomorrow will bring.

You will hear more from us soon!

In the meantime remember we are 3 months into Kenzie's Baby Leggings project 2013. I have had some amazing donations already but we always need more. If you have leggings to donate please let me know and ill give you the address to send them to. There is no goal this year so any amount is an accomplishment :) but I would love to take up around the same amount as we did this last year

(hint hint) haha...

Weekly Roundup: week 25

.Sticks his tongue out most of the day

.Sitting up better and better

.Likes to sit in the bath rather than lay and he loves to splash

.Mum is soaked after every bath

.Holds stuff in his mouth like a puppy

.Mum had to go to a workshop during the day so Aunt A and Grandma took turns watching Tracker

.It was one of the longest weeks ever

.Mum couldn't stop thanking Dad for letting us be home together every other day

.Introduced pears and banana flavored oatmeal

.Has been sleeping amazing this week- going to bed around 8-8:30pm and not waking until 5-6am

.Definitely getting those teeth in and they are hurting- but they haven't poked through quite yet

.Visit from the Allen's

.First time we went to the Children's museum

.Weather was perfect on Saturday so we had lunch outside on a picnic table

.Loves chewing on Mum and Dads chin

.Naps are becoming more routine

.Starting to HATE being in his car seat and in the car

.As much as I have tried to resist the boy loves TV

.When he is pooping he doesn't make as many noises as he used to (call me crazy but I'm kinda sad about it. They made me laugh)

.JUMPS in his jumper

.When he is eating solids he is wanting to eat more and isn't satisfied with the amount he used to eat

.Discovered his first bruise- I almost had a heart attack- its on his knee and tiny but how the heck did he get it? Could be from the toys he swings around. I can say he has whacked me hard enough to leave bruises a few times but that doesn't make me feel better. I don't know what I'm going to do when he is big enough to actually fall down and ill be discovering new marks on his all the time. I need to wrap him in bubble wrap.

.............................................................................................................

February 24

168 days old

February 25

169 days old

February 26

170 days old

February 27

171 days old

February 28

172 days old

March 1

173 days old

March 2

174 days old

Life is Good!