Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Needed to write

Before I dive into this post I had to apologize for the lack of goods on this blog. Seriously I feel like I barely am keeping up on the other blog and its all very much documenting. I haven't been able to just write in so long. I seriously don't have time. All you Mums are probably laughing at me. Seriously. I have 1 child. I only work part time. and I don't have time? There are full time Mums, full time workers, with multiple children. How do you all do it? I have said several times I am not sure we will have another kid because I cant get my shit together with 1. We are nearing the 1 year mark. Seriously. How is my booboo a year? *insert broken heart* He is seriously pure happiness. He is amazing. but he isn't easy. I'm sure no child is easy but I can only compare to him.

So I have to say this Mum/Wife/Human being balance is seriously HARD. I am to tired at the end of the day to be a good enough wife to Ryan to give him quality time (not always the dirty). I am consistently feeling guilty for not bringing in more of the money to help our family. I then feel guilty to even think about working out side the home and not being here for Tracker. People seriously its hard.
When Makenzie was born we were in a situation I had to work. There was no option for me to stay home. I was lucky enough to get 12 weeks of maternity leave and then I had to go back. I only worked a month and a half before Makenzie was admitted to Primary Children's and I stopped working again. The month and a half was HORRIBLE. Every single day I dropped her off I cried the entire way to work. I couldn't stop thinking of her. I felt extreme guilt. I was consistently trying to figure out how I could be home with her. I loved my job at the time. I was successful and starting a career. I felt fulfilled in that aspect of my life but all of that at the end of the day didn't matter when I was coming home just a few hours before Makenzie went to bed.
Now here I am. Home. and I still feel that guilt.
I am living my dream. I thank Ryan everyday for letting me stay home and take care of Tracker. Everyday I am amazed I get to do this everyday. I honestly cant justify actually having Tracker in daycare and going to work because at this moment I don't have to. I am lucky enough to have a part time job from home and that really should satisfy my guilt. I guess its not that getting out of the house/sacrifice I imagine always imagined I was going to have. I never thought I would be able to be home with my kids.
I do miss the success. I felt good about myself. It was nice when I would get recognized for completing a task. I don't really get a review, award or praise for finishing the laundry.
(although I seriously think I should)

Can any of you other Mums relate?
I know I'm totally asking for to much! I want one thing and I get it. Then I'm not satisfied.
I just have to get more of a balance and be happy with that balance.
I have been trying harder to exercise more regularly.
I am working harder on strengthening my relationship with God.
and I am always working on being the best wife and Mum to my favorite boys.
and I will work harder on being a better blogger because seriously I love it.


Starla said...

Let me first start by saying you are doing a great job! Even though it seems at the end of the day you have nothing to show for it, you have a little boy and husband that love you and that is what is most important. Not a clean house or homemade dinner or a clean baby:) Babies are hard. They take a lot of time and patience. There are MANY days where I feel I failed but a sweet little kiss or an "I love you" is all I need. But there are also days where I feel I need more. I chose 8 years ago when I had my first girl to stay at home with her (I finished my Bachelors degree when she was 18 months old so that was my work for a while) But I am able to stay at home while my husband works and I feel guilty sometimes but I remind myself that my children are what is most important now and I am raising them to be successful in life. There are also a lot of days where I feel I need to do more, be better. I sometimes measure my success in loads of laundry which is a huge feat! And that is a-ok! I feel like now in my children's lives(4 girls!) the best/most important thing I can give them is being at home with them. Even if it is "just 1." That "1" little baby is very special and is lucky to have you as his mom. I admire you and your strength persevering after losing your little girl. That is tough and I cannot imagine what you go through every day.
I learned from my mom that it is hard to care for others if you haven't cared for yourself. Then you husband comes next, then the kids. For me I rely on my Heavenly Father to get me through each day and He has helped me to be a better person and feel better about myself so I can be a better wife/mom/human
Also I recommend serving others. Sometimes when I am feeling really down about things taking cookies (even if they are burnt or store bought:) helps me to think of others and not on how crappy my day was :) I read an article a little while ago (I will try and find it again) but it says perfectly what I am trying to say :) I will find it and post a link. But know that you are doing a great job and know it is ok to feel guilt and feel like you need a reward. We are only human afterall :) Keep you head up and keep truckin'

Neechel Steed said...

I feel the same way. Im currently on mat leave and in Canada we are lucky and get a whole YEAR. Every other day I flip flop between wanting to go back to work part time or just stay at home full time. It's super hard! Also I didn't bookmark the address to your new blog so I haven't read it for awhile, whats the address again? Thanks!

Lea and her Mustangs said...

My dear Kendra, you are working. You are taking care of your family and that is the most important job you could have. I know its tough, I raised 5. Each time I thought I can't do this after all but I did. They all grew up healthy adults. Don't let guilt overcome you. Nothing to be guilty about. You get up each morning and go to work. You are the bestest mother to Tracker he could have and a good wife to Ryan. Praying for you to not be such a perfectionist. Life is good. Just love on that little boy and let it happen.

Mdcermott said...

I read this earlier and loved it and it seems totally relevant to your post so I wanted to share

"I want a break, not because I'm bored or restless or craving some fun, (although I am probably feeling those things a lot of the time.) I want a break because I put absolutely everything I have into staying at home with my kids. From the moment I open my eyes in the morning, there isn't a single second of my day where I'm not engaged and on call. There isn't a single moment where I am alone with my thoughts, where I'm not being touched and needed and where demands aren't being made of me. Not a single moment. Not when I'm brushing my teeth or showering or trying to find something clean to wear. Not even in the bathroom.

As stay-at-home parents, we understand that going to work all day isn't fun, and it isn't easy. We get that we're lucky to spend our days with our children. We've had responsibilities and stresses outside of motherhood, and we understand that life is challenging for you, and for everyone. We know that commuting to and from work and sitting in a cubical all day is not how you would choose to spend your time, if you had a choice. We know that going to work is not a personal break where you can unwind and put your feet up. We totally get that, and we love you and appreciate you for all you do to keep our families safe and cared for. We would be better at saying thank you if we had even a single ounce of energy or sanity left over at the end of the day. We love you. We do. And, thank you."

Unknown said...

I am the mom of two little boys. I used to be a teacher, and it was such a fulfilling job. When our second son was born, it didn't make financial sense for me to keep working, so I have been home for a year now. It is hard. I have done the career thing and the mom thing, and I am totally with you on having guilt either way. Being home is really hard work. Having them in day care is really hard. I think when kids are little, life is just plain hard! I have really struggled with losing myself as a person--not just as a mom and wife--since leaving my career. You are not alone with your mixed feelings. Keep your chin up and know that you are doing your best!

Krista said...

I've heard one child is the hardest, and it gets easier with more...

You seem to be a great mom to Tracker and Makenzie, and you don't need to feel so guilty all the time!!

Is there any way you might have some depression? I had PPD after the birth of my son, did some meds and counseling, and I'm in such a better place now.

Trinity said...

I can totally relate. I only worked a few months after having my first child and then I was laid off. The whole time I was pregnant and those three months that I worked I wished and prayed that I could be a stay at home mom. Fast forward to nearly four years and two kids; I find myself struggling to find balance. I feel this insane amount of guilt wanting to work, I feel guilt not adding to our financial stability and I feel guilty that I am not 100% satisfied being a full time stay at home mom. However, I have come to understand that either way I choose; if it be staying home full time or working part time, I am making some sort of sacrifice. It is amazing being home and I love being the one to care for my boys and watch them grow. I also know that I need something for myself to reclaim my identity, in a sense. It is nice to be told you did a good job or noticed. Being a mom is completely selfless. It is the purest and simplest act of love and devotion. Each and every circumstance is personal and no one truly knows a another's situation or the reason for someone's decision. I have come to understand that I love being home, but I feel a sense of self worth working outside the home. I am currently only working one day a week and it is a blessed break during the week. I would like to work a bit more, but I explained to my husband my feelings as simply as I could. "I want to be a mother first and an employee second." All in all, I can entirely relate to your post. I am sure that most any mom can relate in some way or another. I believe that we as moms, are all in looking for that perfect balance that best suits are family.


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