Saturday, January 7, 2012

Round 3

I am a bit late in blogging about this but I have really tried not to think about it much so forgive me :)

So if you remember our last round of IUI didn't work so my OB wanted to start doing daily ultra sounds to watch my follicles and implant when they were right.  I went in for the first ultra sound on Friday December 23rd.  At the time I was at a 15 and needed to be at a 20 to get the trigger shot and get implanted.  If it wasn't for the Christmas weekend and the office being closed I would have continued to go in everyday until I reach the 20 mark. Well since it was Christmas they wouldn't be open again until the Tuesday after Christmas and my OB thought I would most likely ovulate sometime that weekend which would mean missing this months implant because there would be no one at the office.  They told me to continue testing with my digital ovulation through the weekend and if I happen to not test positive I would start the ultra sounds again on Tuesday.

So I tested everyday and on Monday I tested Positive... Woohoo.. That meant I would be able to get implanted the next day when they opened and I wouldn't miss this month.
I was happy that this month my OB was able to do the actual implant. Every other month I have gone in on the weekend so I was with 2 different on call doctors that I didn't know. and the other 2 times Ryan couldn't make it to the actual appointment so I felt much better having him there this round.
Everything fell into place much better so I am very hopeful for a good outcome as well.

Before I was implanted this round I was determined to not worry every second. Not to think about it much. Just to have the mind frame that if it happens it happens and there is nothing I can do to make it happen faster than what God already has in mind.

So we got implanted on December 27th.  Since then I have tried to keep my mind on anything but praying that I am pregnant.  This is our last vial so if we don't get pregnant off this round we will have to make the decision to either buy more vials or go another route.  I still don't know what we are going to do if it doesn't work but we will cross that bridge when it comes... or doesn't come...
I should start ms. flo on Tuesday. I told myself I wouldn't test until Tuesday. Of course that didn't happen. I have tested twice so far and both times were negative. BUT I am still hopeful. I cant rule anything out until I actually do or do not get ms. flo....  I was doing really good the last couple weeks. Being really calm. Being very neutral about the whole thing. but as we are getting closer to Tuesday I am more and more anxious.

I have been having a hard time finding the balance between consistently asking for this to happen to just stepping back and trusting in Gods plan. I have talked to him A LOT about just helping me find the right balance to know I am trying to be patient and trust in his plan but that I hope he knows what my heart wants.  I mean you are always told that if you don't ask you don't receive. But I don't want to spend hours and hours asking for something and not having the patience that I need to get it.

I want this.
More and more as time goes on.
I can only imagine some of you women.. and men.. out there that have gone through much more than me in trying to get pregnant. I really admire your strength and determination. I cant tell you how many times I just want to throw the towel in. Just lay down and cry and just say okay--- Ill just not have kids and ill start collecting dogs or something. I know that sounds silly. This is really only round 3 of our IUI but it has been a full year now that we have been trying for a family. We have gone through 3 different "plans" and we still have no baby. For a good part of the year we had a baby coming. We were thinking that at the end of this month we would be parents again. My due date was February 1st. I cant imagine being 9 months pregnant right now.

I have looked back over this last year and although I consider it one of the hardest-- maybe worst years. I cant begin to explain how much Ryan and I have grown. The changes in life. Who we are now vs. who we were a year ago. I know God needed us to learn certain lessons. Lessons that we will use. We needed to learn patience. Although I still have a long way to go with it. I can tell you right now I can see a difference in the amount of patience I have now.
You hear the quote all the time.
Life isn't about the destination... Its about the Journey getting there.
(so my quote might be a little off but you get the idea.)
I have to keep reminding myself that. The end of our road will be great. It will be full of everything we could ever imagine. But in order to get there we have to walk the road. Instead of racing to the end and looking back with nothing to show for it. We need to take our time. Make a difference, learn, enjoy, grow, find, breathe.  I think about my Makenzie's life so much. I think about her road. I am amazed that she was able to accomplish everything she needed to in such a short amount of time. It really says something about her. About her giant spirit. About her heart. She was able to give, learn, enjoy, grown, find, make a difference... she breathed. She worked harder than anyone could imagine to breathe. When I think I'm having a hard day I watch this video that I took of her... It was just a couple days before she was taken to Primary Children's for the last time. I took her shirt off and just recorded her breathing. I had been to so many doctors trying to figure out what was wrong. Trying to tell them that this wasn't normal and that she wouldn't just out grow it. I had to record her because I needed to show others in order to help her. My heart is literally ripped apart every time I watch it. I get sick to my stomach. I get cold. I get hot. I get uncomfortable. I get light headed. I get physically sick. Looking at how determined she was. How hard she fought. In the video she kept smiling and talking to me. It was the last video I recorded of her making noise. Just a couple days later she was intubated and in the PICU. I never heard her again.

This life is not suppose to be easy. No one has it easy. We all have so much to learn and so much to experience. We need to understand that as hard as it gets, we are meant to be here. There is a reason. There is no mistake. We... at least I... all to often worry I chose the wrong path. Worry I made a mistake and that this isn't the life I am suppose to lead. But then I look at my daughter. I look at her smile, her eyes, her determination and I know with complete certainly this is so right. I was lucky enough to be apart of her journey. I was lucky enough to help her through it. I was lucky enough to have her effect my life the way she has. and if I was on a different path. I would never have had her.
and when.. if ever.. I am lucky enough to welcome Makenzie's little brother or sister into our life. I know this path has given me a completely different level of understanding, patience and love to give them.
I am suppose to be on this path. I am meant to have this life. and I have to do everything possible to take advantage of what I have been given.


Amanda said...

You're in my thoughts and prayers. Sending lots of sticky baby dust your way!!!

Julie said...

Oh kiddo, hang in there! I KNOW how tough it is firsthand and nobody should have to go through it. I applaud you for being so open about what you're going through. I never did. I still share very little on my blog because there are people I know that read it (I think I'd share a LOT more if it were just strangers). When we were trying for our first we told a couple of people and all of the sudden a ton of people knew. At the point my chiro brought it up and random men at work we decided to keep quiet. I wished I'd had blogs like read back then from women who'd been through it.

PS - no more testing! Don't torture yourself! :). I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers and be anxiously waiting for Tuesday.

Molly said...

Kendra -

My heart goes out to you. My husband and I are in a similar situation - we lost our only child to a disease that it turns out we are both carriers for. So any future child has a 1 in 4 chance of being affected. We went the IVF route, and are now on cycle #2, waiting to see what happens. After the first round failed I was depressed for a solid 2 months. I know how badly you want this baby and I pray it happens for you! The waiting is so hard. Have courage, have faith, and be good to yourself - cut yourself lots of slack!

Sarah said...

Hang in there Kendra. The 2 week wait is hell. I really hope this is the cycle for you. Waiting is one SOB. We ended up adopting and I wouldn't trade that for anything. Of course during the wait I never felt that way. Your child will come to you whether through IUI, IVF, embryo adoption, or adoption. Being a mother is worth the cost.

P.S. I totally laughed at your raising dogs comment. I had similar thoughts but about my cats and horses.

sarah and jeremy said...

oh man, that 2 wk wait is HELL!!! I tested early too and got negative after negative. Then on the day flo was supposed to come it still said neg. Even 3 days later, still neg. Finally a WEEK later I got the faintest double line ever!! Actually, it wasn't there at first then later I went to throw it away and saw it....don't torture yourself, just wait. We are praying for your little family. I know it is hard. You have such a positive outlook, keep that going, I know things will turn out for u :)...sorry if this is personal, and I don't even really know u but have u thought of surrogate? Maybe u already addressed that once, sorry.

Alli E. said...

Beautiful post!

Justin and Ashley Showalter said...

You are so unbelievably strong! I am amazed every single time you post how much courage and strength you have. Keep on keepin' on! Lots and lots of baby dust to you!!! I'll be praying for you!

Aly said...

I want this so badly for you! I'm sending lots of 'positive' thoughts your way!!! You are an incredible mom and I hope you have a baby in your arms soon!!!

Anonymous said...

Kendra.... You. Can. Do. This. No matter how ... you will have a baby. This way or another way- Gods way. He has a plan for you girlfriend.... Stay strong. Praying for you. You are so strong and have a heart of gold.

Ashley said...

Thinking of you and hoping that you are blessed with a baby very soon!

Sarah said...

In the two week wait myself. Wishing you luck and live on this cycle.

Anonymous said...

Hang in there. It won't get much tougher.

Kellie Staats said...

Praying this is it Kendra! I know trying is so hard, epically after losses.
Thinking about you!

krista lesnau said...

You are so strong and amaze me. I have followed your blog for a long time and have learned so much from you and your little girl. I totally understand the infertility roller coaster you are on. I had four cycles of failed iui's, two miscarriages from IVF but I knew on our third ivf it would work from the beginning. I was filled with a peace that I can not explain. I was not stressed the entire time and for some reason had very little anxiety. That round was it. We were blessed with two beautiful little girls! I am now on day 3 of another cycle to complete our family. The excitement has returned at I can not wait to look into the eyes of my child/children someday and tell them how much they were wanted! I pray that God will bless you again with another beautiful child and allow you to step of the roller coaster.


Toni ~ Mom to 8 heavenly Angels and 1 earthly Angel. said...

Tomorrow is Tuesday and I am praying that this is your time, its your time to truly enjoy life again. I love reading some of the peace you have found, the sing so well in your words. ((Hugs)) and I'll be watching for your update.

Unknown said...

Praying and praying and praying. Third time's the charm. This rollercoaster is awful and there's just no way to get off - either get pregnant or genuinely decide you're better off not pregnant (HA, as if). I'm so sorry you have to go through it. Fingers and toes and heart crossed for you guys.

CrystalEsmeKing said...

I know I tell you this ALL the time but you seriously inspire me sooooooooo much!!! After having my lil one 2 months ago I've had a bit of post pardom and wasnt sure how to feel. But after reading what you have to say and how you felt about Makenzee makes me really cherish what I have and take in those moments cause you never know when it can be the last. Your amazing and I love you!!! XOXO

Marion said...

Rating for you! No matter what may or may not come!

Kelsi said...

Praying for positive test!!! Fingers crossed :) {{HUGS}}

Tiffany said...

Yay!! OMG!! I am so happy for you guys! I just knew it would happen. You are too good of a mother and have been through too much pain to not deserve to get another chance! I can't wait to read through your PREGNANCY and see the new baby. Congrats girl!


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