Tuesday, January 31, 2012

7 weeks!

How far along? 7 Weeks
Total weight gain: +1 lb.
Maternity clothes? None.
Stretch marks? Nope.
Sleep: No complaints.
Best moment this week: Talking about baby names.
Miss Anything? Nope.
Movement: None.
Food cravings: The generic- super cheap chicken noodle soup- cold.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Super sick this last week. Starting early and going away around 1:00 pm. Then it comes back around 5:00pm lasting until bedtime.
Gender: Ryan thinks boy. I think boy.
Labor Signs: None.
Symptoms: Sick.. Sick.. Sick...
Belly Button in or out? In.
Wedding rings on or off? On.
Happy or Moody most of the time: Moody :(
Looking forward to: Seeing BABY at our ultrasound tomorrow!

This week has been super emotional. I don't know what triggered it but I have been having some serious issues. I want to lay around and cry all the live long day. The reality that this baby is coming and that they are not Makenzie and that they will help in many ways... But they wont fix it. Makenzie is gone. She isn't coming back. and there is nothing I can do about that. I will never be the person I was 3 years ago. Being pregnant around the same time line as with Makenzie has been a little hard. Remembering what I was thinking and feeling then. Not knowing the things that would happen. Not even imagining them to be possible. The innocence. I was 21 years old when Makenzie was born. I cant believe that person was able to do all that she did. I look at myself now and how much I have grown. What is important in life. What has changed and I cant imagine that 21 year old me going through the sickness and death of a child. I didn't know anything. I didn't know how to prepare. I wasn't strong enough.
Here I am today and I still don't feel strong enough. Thinking there is no way I could ever do that again.  My Makenzie was the most beautiful gift I could have ever received in my life- she taught me how to love. Through her life and through her death. She made me a different person today.

I am scared. I am beyond nervous. I feel like I am doing this for the first time. Being a Mom. Being the type of Mom I need to be for this child. Before. I was a New Mom.
People would say-- Oh you will worry to much, be over protective, buy silly things that you will never use... You will learn alot by the time your second child comes along.... Now here they come. and I feel like a new Mom again. Not in all the same ways but in a lot of new different ways that I never even thought of before. Thinking about the ways to prevent this child from dieing. Thinking of ways to help them remember their sister. Worrying if ill remember how to do things. I forgot what foods you could and couldn't eat. I forgot different things that happen when your pregnant. I forgot the age you start feeding your child solid foods. I'm getting my baby books out and honestly feel I have never read them before. I am not only feeling like a first time mom, but at the same time I'm feeling like a old mom who is starting over after years of no babies. I have seen it begin and end. I have been there every step in between. I am scared of what will happen. I am scared of who I will be. As I have been thinking of that 21 year old becoming a first time mom I have been quickly reminded of that 22 year old that made the choice to end her daughters life. Fearing if that person was good enough. She didn't know anything. But there she was. and she lived through it. I lived through it. I have been praying that Makenzie forgives me for all the times I didn't do enough. For all the times I should have been a louder voice for her. Those moments that are forever engraved in my head. The hardest of hard. The darkest of dark. The moments where I prayed harder than I have or ever could pray. Pleading with God to help my child. Some of those moments I believe I did everything I could. Others, I wish I would have done more.
The only thing I know for certain about this next baby and that is the same as it was with Makenzie- I will never ever leave. I will never turn my back. I pray I have learned from what Makenzie has taught me. I pray I do better this time. I pray this child understands who they are and the kind of love I already have for them.
I would have given my life for Makenzie. and I will give my life to this bean.
In 231 days ill be a new mom- again- to an incredible life. and ill consider myself the luckiest Mom alive if they teach me just half of what Makenzie taught me.
Makenzie isn't coming back. This baby is coming into my life to help my heart grow. Not seal up that hole. Its going to be hard. Really hard. but through this baby ill be even closer to my Makenzie.


Malory said...

Awe Kendra you are so sweet. I'm sure everything you are feeling is completely normal. You are the BEST mom to Makenzie and will be the BEST mom to this new little baby!! Imagine how much fun the two of them are having up in heaven right now playing around, jumping clouds. I bet Kenzie is telling this new little one all about how wonderful his/her parents are and teaching him/her all about everything! Kenzie is an such a doll with such a sweet spirit, just like her mommy.
Love ya,


Simply Shannon said...

New Mom again. I love that! All of us with more than one can relate - every pregnancy, like every child is unique, special, wonderful. Your family is in my daily prayers.

Katie said...

This post brings tears to my eyes. You are an amazing Mom to your amazing children. I'm sure there can never be perfect joy without MRW here, but I hope this year brings you great happiness.

Paige said...

i can't even imagine how you feel right now :(

i was TERRIFIED when my daughter was born almost 26 months ago. i would be in the bedroom, watching her sleep in her playpen, and i remember being in tears (or almost in tears) because i had no clue what i was supposed to do with her!! i was terrified of SIDS. i was terrified of EVERYTHING.

i think about y'all everyday <3 and i can't wait to see the little "gummy bear"'s ultrasound pics!

Emma said...

I cant imagine all the feelings, the worry, the doubts but one thing I have no doubt about is how much love you will shower this little one with and how lucky he or she will be to have you and Ryan as parents. No, another baby will never, could never, replace Kenzie or take the pain away but they will bring you joy, smiles and fill your heart with even more love. Kenzie taught you true, pure, unconditional love and you will now pass that on to this little one-what an incredible gift!! Not only are they going to have the most amazing, incredible Guardian Angel by their side they are going to have parents who realize what a gift every day is, who appreciate life and love and treasure every second-that is so amazing!! Hugs, Em

Robin said...

I know you are going to do great with this babe! The most important thing is love, and you have got that covered...and then some! Praying for you and Ryan always!

Mia said...

Dear Kendra !
I'd first loke to congratulate you for this new baby ! I discovered your blog from the gustafson's one. (I live in Madagascar, I'm French)

I just can imagine how hard it must have been to reach this first step. I'm pretty sure that your dear mackenzie keeps an eye on you and on this little bean. This new baby won't send the pain away, but I'm sure that they will help you keeping going and remembering Mackenzie.

lots of love overseas.


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