Friday, September 30, 2011


I have been tracking the 22 lbs dome shaped package like a hawk.
It was delivered at 10:02 am.
Donor Sperm is safe and sound at the University waiting for my body to be ready!

I have mentioned before we are starting to change Makenzie's room.  We knew it would happen at some point so we decided to start making the big changes sooner rather than later. We have preserved that room for almost 2 years now.  Its time.  It will soon be her sister or brothers room.  They will sleep in her bed. I will rock them in her chair. We will read her books. She will forever be so much apart of that room but its not her room anymore. 
I hate saying that. I hate knowing it will not be Makenzie's room.
However I am thankful I will someday be able to say its baby's room.

We spent so much time thinking about what we wanted and how it would be set up.
I wanted purple walls but we ended up with this bubblegum pink.
It all started like THIS...
Ended like THIS...

We slowly made it more Kenzie with her pictures.
It was perfect.
Before I came home from the hospital after Kenzie passed away my sister and Ryan put all of her things in her room. At least everything that was spread throughout the house. It took a while for me to go in there. Even longer to go through it and sort things.  Even longer to pack up her closet to store at my moms so it wasn't falling out as people were looking through our house while we are trying to sell it. 
I just packed up her bedding.
Still haven't washed her clothes or emptied her diaper pail. 
Ill get around to that. 

These pictures were taken right before I started to pack things up to take to my Moms. There was stuff everywhere. Crammed into her tiny room. We had everything. We were ready for a lifetime with her. 

Her diaper bag was last used on November 17th.  The day I rushed her to the ER. 
That little striped outfit was the last outfit she wore. Her leggings. Matching socks. That is what I remember staring at as I ran through the hospital trying to get to her pediatrician. I took that outfit off of her to get her hooked up to the oxygen machines. To get her poked. To try to give her some relief.
I put that back on her to put her in her car seat so she could be transported to PCMC in the ambulance. 

This is her room the other day. I have tried to pick it up a little more. To not have it such a disaster. 
The transition from Makenize's room to a baby's room has been harder than I ever thought.
Finding new things.
I just miss her. More than I could ever imagine missing someone.
Remember all those times she was just hurting. Wishing I would have known what I know now. Wishing I would have helped her more.

All of the paint samples.
We ended up not picking any of these.
We went with more of a blue/green.
Ryan picked out the color.
Against his will. He hates picking things like that. But I needed him to make the decision. 
I don't want to change it.
Its too much.

I am so happy and so ready to be a Mom again. 
But I am so scared. So afraid. So sad that it wont be Makenzie.
I will fall in love with this baby.
I have no doubt.
But Makenzie is still gone.
What I first learned with her. The first look at her. The life she gave me will never be lived again.
I am so torn between the happiness and sadness.
The new and the past.
The future and what was.

I had a dream last night.
It was amazing.
I had the baby.
I am not sure if it was a boy or girl.
It had tons of crazy black hair.
The day I brought it home I went into their room to check on them and peaked over the crib.
In my dream they didn't look like a newborn... More like a 3 month old. But it was in this mint green nightgown. It was laying there holding their feet with a toy in between them. They looked up and me and smiled this incredibly big smile. 
I woke up after that.
I had this warm overly excited feeling in my heart that just longed for that. 
To have that child in our home.
To be their mom.
I will treasure that opportunity.
It will be such a blessing.
I guess the grieving process will just always be there in some way.
The happiness will come and the sadness.
I have to accept both.
Know both are normal and okay.
With joy I will experience sadness.
With sadness I will experience JOY.


Jake and Courtney said...

I don't know how I found your blog but I also live in Utah and have been reading your story. It give me goose bumps every time. I feel your sadness through your words and I pray that you have a healthy, happy baby very soon.

I was diagnosed with Endometriosis in January after trying to get prego for about two years. It was so frustrating. Now I'm dealing with that and wow it's such a process. I feel your pain of wanting something so bad and having someone tell you that it's not going to be easy. My situation is FAR different from yours but I feel your pain everytime I read your blog. Anyway, good luck. I hope only good things come to you and your hubby.

Anonymous said...

my heart is just ripped apart reading this. you're such an angel. i am so excited to see you guys in this next part of your life! you are a great mom, and always will be. i look at my little girl differently, every time i read your blog, more of an appreciation that i could imagine, thank you.

brigette said...

So excited for you Kendra!! Praying, wishing, hoping I cant wait until I hear those words you are pregnant!! You deserve this. Keeping fingers crossed! You guys are so loved!! Such an amazing couple. Best of luck girly!!

Amanda said...

Congratulations!! I am ecstatic for you and Ryan, you are going to make the best parents! Thank you so much allowing me to follow you guys in this amazing journey. If your baby is a girl looks like you are MORE than ready...if it's a boy, he will still look like a stud even if all he has to wear is! This is the luckiest baby in the world...coming into this world to the most wonderful deserving parents. Love you guys!!

Alesha said...

Ready for a lifetime. Those words made me so sad. That is what you plan on and then it is just not what happens. Not cool. I feel like accepting the happy and the sad is the hard part for me. You are so much further into this that me, but for me right now I just want to be normal again, like I was. It is so hard realizing normal is not going to be the same.

Anonymous said...

As hard as it is to let go of the past, Kenzie will always be a part of yours and Ryan's life. She will live forever in all our hearts. We will love her forever. You will tell your other children about their big sister. But remember that the future is bright and her legacy is the things she taught you, the things she taught all of us---that life is so precious. She will be in heaven watching out for all of you. I am so excited to be a great Aunt again. I can't wait. I Love You my friend. Always, Auntie M

Reese said...

Packing up the baby room is the worst. I am very excited that you are trying for another baby. Good luck and I wish you a speedy conception!

Lesley said...

I wish your family the very best on this new journey. I remember my daughter's room being much like your daughter's room... and having to make changes as well. I also had a dream about my future baby, more than a year before she was born. One of my sons called the baby by name in the dream, and that is the name that we chose for her. The dream was so real. I was so happy. I've been following your blog since shortly before Makenzie died. I look forward to reading about your "good news" in the near future.

Kaci said...

Since we recently moved, I had to pack up all of Joshua's stuff.. so I cramed all of his stuff (most of which I kept in an airmoir) into boxes and bags, trying not to change anything or disturb the smell... I know I will have to open all of this up and sort through it all when we finally have another baby, but until then I can't seem to touch it.


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