Friday, September 23, 2011

Keep moving forward... Keep doing hard things.

Had a hard time waking up this morning. Weird dream. I always tell Ryan right away about my dreams. Usually because they are so random and so far out there.  Last night was a dream about going on a trip. Ryan got bored of me and left so I said--- to hell with it. Ill find me a new man. I did. He was this hot young guy in a wheelchair. I would sit on his lap as he wheeled us up and down the boardwalk by some ocean. Very romantic. Then he got bored of me and decided he wanted to leave me and feel for one of my friends. Ill leave her name out of this because I woke up mad at this particular person until I talked myself down realizing it was all just a dream and in fact Ryan was still married to me :)
Anywho. I woke up and at some point during the night I moved my wedding ring onto my right hand. It was one of the first things I noticed because lets face it--- those wedding rings become like part of your finger so I thought my finger fell off. Ryan just laughed at me. My dreams are usually this random and weird so he enjoys hearing about my latest adventure during the night.

but seriously... every morning I wake up and think...
I wish I had dreams of Makenzie.

I pray every single night that I will dream of her. I remember my last dream that she was in. I wrote about it. It was a long time ago. Over a year. I hate that I cant dream of her and I dream of a romantic rendezvous with some dude. ahh... I want to dream of her. I want to dream of being her mum. I want to dream I am holding her. 
As we are really diving into figuring out how to go about having another child the thought of her not being that child has really been hard. I know silly. I already accepted this. For the first year I begged and prayed and even thought God would give her back to me.  I now know that's not going to happen. She is to good for this. She is in a much better place. I wouldn't wish her back for her--- just for me.  Just for my selfish wishes. Wishing I could have her. Wishing I could never let her go. Wishing I could raise her. Wishing I could take care of her. I struggle in my mind with telling myself this is such a selfish thought--- to whatever, I just want her. I usually end with telling Makenzie that I love her, that if she was still here I would be the happiest person in the world and I would be the best Mum possible for her. But that I know she needs to be where she is and that I hope and pray she understands how much I truly love her. Then I thank God for holding her. I apologise for all the harsh words I just said to him and ask him to just give my baby loves and make sure she is doing absolutely perfect. 

This little battle goes on at least once a day. It used to go on several times a day.  I have to apologise to God quite a bit.  Poor guy. I am not very nice sometimes.  He sure gets the wrath of it all. 
I know its not that he did anything TO me.
He did it FOR me. 
He did it FOR Makenzie.
Its just that I miss her.
I want her.
My mind gets fuzzy and I forget he can do a better job of raising her than I can.
I still just need selfish moments like that.

I wish I could dream of her.
I wish I could just pretend.
I pretend on other kids sometimes.
I sound crazy right?
But there are times when I'm holding or playing with certain kids that I close my eyes and just pretend.
I pretend that it was real. That they are my Makenzie. That she is here. Laughing and running. Or that I am kissing her when I kiss them.  It doesn't last long.
Then I kiss them for real-- for being who they are.

The thoughts of what we need to do for our family is constantly on our mind.
Ryan is like 110% sure what we should do.  He always KNOWS first. With everything. I am really really sure but my fear clouds the unknown.  I always second guess myself. When I feel something is right and have no doubt I usually jump in too fast.  I say too fast because sometimes its not feeling something is right rather than just wanting something and seeing an opportunity.  I have been paying close attention to my wants, needs, feelings and trying to separate them. To know what is a want. What is a need. and what is the right thing to do.  I feel we have made our decision. But it doesn't take the fear away.  It doesn't take the mass amounts of prayer asking if this is what God wants us to do away.
-- Seriously... Cant he just send me a letter, come for a visit and tell me this is either right or not? I don't like always relying on faith. Makes me nervous. I always doubt myself. That maybe I really am not in touch with God.  I need to learn more faith I guess.

This figuring out how to have a family without just getting pregnant isn't very easy.  You don't want to make a mistake. You worry about money. You worry about if it will work. You worry about all the unknown.
I know so many people have these same struggles. These same fears. These same worries. 
I will sure pray for all of you. Because its not easy.

I know this is changing the topic a little but there is a point to it... I just had to say the other day I went to lunch with a good friend... It was funny because I have never met this friend in person.  We met through our blogs. Many of you know her... My sweet Ashley... Anywho- We finally got to meet and chat. What felt like an hour was actually 3 1/2 hours.  All we pretty much talked about was our girls. What happened. What we have since been through. Mainly things we don't talk about on here. Such different experiences yet so similar. She sure helped me.
I have been missing Makenzie so so so much. The missing and hurt come in waves now.  Its always there but the magnitude isn't always as great. Lately its been great. I have been doing things around my house and just in my life in general to prepare myself for someone else coming into our family. Someone that is not Makenzie.  I have said it before but her room hasn't really changed.  The things in her closet and the majority of her toys that were in toy bins were packed up and stored at my moms since we are trying to sell our condo but her room for the most part has been left untouched.  Her bed has not been changed since the last night she slept in it.  The same sheet. The same blankets. The same toy. The same snuggy are all sitting right where she left them.  I have yet to wash any of the clothes in her dirty clothes basket and I have yet to empty her diaper pail, that is full by the way.
(The day she went to the hospital I was kind of rushing to get her ready before my Mom got there to watch her while I went to work. The thought came to me that I should empty it especially since it was trash day but never got around to it. So its still there. Full of her dirty diapers)
Her dresser, her bows, her diapers are all there. Right where they belong.  The picture frame is still crocked. There was several nights I was holding her in that rocker and staring at that picture frame thinking I need to straighten that when I get up... Then I would forget and so it reminds crooked.
Well in order to get myself ready for that room to change... To not be for Makenzie anymore. To not be my shrine of her. I have slowly been changing things... I moved the bookcase and the chair. I moved her dresser into our room (still full of her stuff... I cant pack it away because I look at it all the time. I need it all there. Full and ready for me to empty and lay in to dream of her)... I took down her big net thing that hung around the chair. But the hardest by far was changing her bedding.  I shook as I took everything apart. For every string I untied around the bumper I had to stop and breathe. As I took off that sheet. The sheet that she slept on. That last held her head. I lost it. To take off the bedding skirt. The fold the blankets. To put them in that tote....
I almost stoped about 50 times. But I kept going. I knew it needed to be done. This was not where she slept anymore. She would not be using that bed anymore. I would not be getting her up in the morning ever again.  I buried my face in every square inch of everything. I tried to soak in as much of her smell that was left.
I put the new bedding in the crib but didn't set it up... Its all just sitting in there. I think ill get the room ready when I need to.  For right now I just wanted to take the first step.
Ashely and I talked about this.  I asked her how she did it with Preslees stuff in order to get ready for Ledger.  For some reason just knowing she did it. That Ledger is now in that bed. That she has been able to love again... Made all the difference.  Funny how something that seems so simple can be such a milestone.  With several different things, Ashley has helped me see there are a lot of those kinds of milestones that we can do.  I am almost a year further into this than her. Yet she has taught me more than I could ever teach her. Sorry girl. Guess you better just change the world yourself :)

With everything in life.
We have to just keep going.  There is no pausing or stalling forever.  I so much wish things could be easy and so not complicated. That we could dream what we want, we could get the answers we want. We can do simple tasks without a problem.  I guess if that was the case life would be pretty mundane. We wouldn't realize true happiness, true gratitude, true hope, true faith or true strength. 
Every little or big thing can help shape us into the person we are continuously learning to be.
Not dreaming what I want teaches me I am just not in control.
Not getting my telegram from God teaches me the answers will not come easy and I have to work for what I want.
Not being able to take down my daughters bedding without a nervous break down but still taking it down teaches me I am strong. That I can do hard things. That life will not go easy on us and that in the end we need to learn these lessons in order to be who we need to be.

I try to look at different things I do in life as a way for me to learn something.  A crazy hectic morning that causes me to be late is helping me learn I need to just breathe and stop getting so frustrated. That just because it started out that way doesn't mean I cant change it. That there is no destiny. That you can change your path. You can do what you want. You can live with happiness. Nothing is ever over until its over.
I am slowly learning how to live this way in my everyday life. I am far from perfecting it.  I have a long road ahead. But there is no better time to keep moving forward and to keep doing hard things, than now.


Anonymous said...

So glad you got to meet Ashley. She seems like a wonderful woman and so strong and faithful. I'm sure she was a great deal of help to you. Life is hard for sure but you are right, we have to just breathe and keep going because there are good things just around the corner ready to amaze and take our breath away. You and Ryan will find a way to have that family you desire. It is a wonderful desire and I know God will help you get there. I love you guys so much. Forever and always, Auntie M :)

Melissa said...

Good for you for taking that first step. I watched my own mom take that very HARD "first step" 21 years ago, and then take the second and the third etc. You are STRONG, and you CAN do this too! I am glad that you got to meet Ashley, you both seem like amazing women.

Melanie Parker said...

You are amazing Kendra!

Lauren in GA said...

I know you don't know me...but I happened onto your blog from a link...I wept as I read about the loss of your sweet Makenzie Rye and sweet little Gracie (Little Nut ☺) I think it is so wonderful that you write your feelings on this beautiful blog to make their memories last forever. Thank you for being so brave and sharing your true feelings with us.

Jackie Koll said...

What a great post. I appreciate your openness.

Ashley said...

First off, I have to say looking at Makenzie I realize she has your eyes!! So pretty. She really is beautiful Kendra.

But thanks again for meeting up with me. I loved it, and hope you might be up for it again in the future. You're strong! I left thinking there's going to be a baby who is going to be so lucky to have you as their mom. Love ya girl.

Kellie Staats said...

You are so strong. I will remember you and this post when I one day will be doing the same thing. :(

KC said...

I really get what you are saying. We are "kinda" in the same boat. At first, right after Joshua died, I said.."OKAY let's do it! Let's just have another baby, and hope that God gives us a healthy one, even though the chances are 50/50..." But then as the shock wore off and more tears would come, and the harder it got, I realized that that probably wasn't the answer or the thing I needed. NOW we are coming up on almost 1 year... and I look back thinking, "wow, I think I might have grown JUST a little bit this past year". I'm finally feeling like I MIGHT be ready to love another baby... It still really scares me to think that it's NOT going to be Joshua, and I still have a lot of questions that I ask myself and there are still so many ways of going about it, but I think I'm almost at the point where I just have to say, "OKAY, we made our decision on what we are going to do, and the rest is in God's hands. Another thing is that--to be honest, I'm not getting any younger---so I can't wait FOREVER to have/raise kids... but I think I'm almost ready to finally take that "big, scary step".. I know it's not going to be easy, because I'm sure it will bring so many different emotions having another baby around but I feel ready and I'm certainly glad I waited a year!

Anonymous said...

I have been keeping up on Ashley's blog because I think she is a big inspiration to a lot of people. I have now read yours after seeing your story on her blog. I think both of you are amazingly strong women and I keep both of you in my prayers all the time and my heart goes out to your families. As hard as it has been for both of you, I truely believe that things are handed to us from god only if we are strong enough to handle them. You two are some of the strongest people I have ever seen. Also your husbands and families that have gone through these tragic things with you. I wish you the best and I really hope everything works out perfectly for you with the adoption.

Anonymous said...

You are an outstanding human being....thank you for sharing. May the weight on your chest and the lump in your throat become there because you are overjoyed wtih a new addition not because of your loss. Lots of prayers said for your family from ours.


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