Monday, April 11, 2011

Do It

Whatever it is. Just do it. What makes you happy? What makes you sad, angry, miserable?
Call it a "revelation" but I realized I am not living the life I want to lead. I am not spending most of my day happy or even on the verge of happy. I am not satisfied. I am antsy. I am depressed. I am anxious. I want. I need and I don't do anything about it.  I'm tired all the time. I'm worn out. I'm doing what I don't WANT to do just to do it. Just to please others. I am working hard. Working for what? I am pretending I'm doing something, for something. I am saying there is a reason. There is a purpose. I am telling myself I am doing good but then I stop and look at myself and my life and realize I am lieing. I am lieing in every aspect.
I cant do it anymore. I wont. My whole life. It has been a bit of a lie. I have been doing what others want. Expect. Think. Do. I follow. I will not do that any longer. Never.  I have goals and dreams and I WILL DO them. I will make something of myself. Why? Why not.... I am me. I am Kendra. I am a wife, a mother, a friend, a sister, a daughter, an employee, a student. I will not let me down. I will not give up. I will stop living this half ass life. I will stop living what I think you want and live for what I want.

What do I want... I'm going to tell you. Not so you hold me accountable. I will be taking over that roll. I am telling me. I will be able to look back at this and tell myself I did it.
My life.
My future.
I'm now taking control.
Grief, anger, resentment, sadness, laziness... You will be put to rest. I am in control and I will do this.

I will be a Mother again.
I will finish school. I will help in changing someone elses life. I will do this because I care. I want others to see who they are and the good they can give to the world.
I will keep my family together.
My daughter will never be forgotten. I know her. I will speak of her. I will live in her name. I will show the world how she has changed me.
I will write a book. Several. I want to write. I want to write something you want to read and something that makes you take another look at your life and makes you want to make changes for the better.
I will take care of Ryan. I will forever and ever make sure he knows how much he is wanted, needed and so very loved.
I will raise awareness.
I will create something that will make a change.
I will cook.
I will finish my scrapbooks and I will keep them forever so my future will be able to see my past.
I will always blog. Its my public journal. My documents of life. My feelings and feelings that I am sure others can relate to. I blog to return the favor many others have given me in their blogs. Being able to relate. Even if you can just look at me and thank God you are not as crazy as me :)
I will be a better friend. To the friends that are friends to me as well. I am not in it to please. Those I love. I love with all my heart and they are the ones I will forever and ever hold close.
I will make sure I treat others with the up most respect. No one deserves to be looked down upon.
My past is my past. I will learn from it and I will grow. It doesn't define who I am. It will not own me for the rest of my life. I will carry it with me to give something better in the future.
I am learning the real meaning of life. This world. The why.
I am loving God. I am loving Jesus Christ. I am living to make them proud.
I will forgive.  The one who needs forgiving the most. I will forgive and there will be a change.
I will build a career and a brand for my name.
I will change the way I see myself. I will respect myself. Inside and out.
I will see the world. I will help the world. I will serve.
When I smile, I will mean it.

I have said many of these things in the past but I have not been living them to the best of my abilities.
There is a change. I am changing. I am not putting it off any longer. Its today. Its now. Its this blog. Its after this blog. Its tonight. Its forever.


The Mac's House said...

Oh I know how you are feeling.

Nana Teri

emma said...

So proud of you in all you do! :-) Em


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