repeating myself

so very much missing you.

ms makenzie, its been a while since i wrote you.

other than the letters i send to heaven.

not sure what has happened the last few weeks but i feel i have lost ground. im back to those same days this time last year when everything was so new. its not new anymore. its not so fresh. so why does it hurt just as bad.  that evil jealousy/anger has been creeping around. i push it away and it comes back at me x10.

the anger that i had to lose you. that they get to keep theirs. that you were sick. that you had to suffer. and they are fine. how does this happen. how is this fair. then the thoughts of your life. those horrible flashbacks of the worst times. i hate seeing them. they are most clear in my mind. i was able to push them out for a while there. but they are back and clearer than ever. i was driving home last night and one on top of another they came. i started picturing how you looked the day i finally took you to pcmc in november. how white/blue you were. wondering around the hospital trying to find my way upstairs to your pediatricians office from the er. i had just left work- still in heels and dress clothes. my shoes were so loud and i wanted to just throw them off and run. i was holding you in your blanket. you seemed so light. you just looked at me and were breathing that gasping breath. i can see you perfectly in that moment.

then came the day you were crashing on the 3rd floor and i was alone in a room full of doctors. i can see their faces. i can see you in your bed. they wouldn't let me get close because you were in so much distress. i kept saying i can calm her down, i just need to get to her. they were to busy shouting out demands and trying to help you that they didn't hear me. i was shaking. standing there trying to understand anything they were saying but know exactly what their faces meant. these moments. they haven't left my mind.

i try replacing them with days like this...

it was hot. i wanted to get out of the house but didn't want to do anything. we had a picnic outside. you and me. you were a little bit nudie but we sat in the shade. i thought you would like to feel the sun. it smelled so good. i kept saying i wanted to do this everyday. i took this picture and sent it to your dad telling him how we missed him. you loved this chair. it seemed really comfy. i would like an adult size one.

but these days. they are not as clear in my mind. maybe trauma is carved deeper into your memory.

i don't want to be angry. i hate that your name is associated with anger at all.

that's so not what you are about. that's not what you taught me.

believe me im trying. and ill keep trying. its just hard. its hard to turn around and see that person having the only thing i want. i don't care about money, a career, what i might have in my closet. what i want is you.

they have theirs- and they don't even begin to understand how blessed they really are.

its just normal.

they have a healthy child. why think anything more than that? why be really grateful?

for me. because i don't. for others. because their child isn't well. for some. because they don't have any.

makenzie please know i will keep moving. i will do good. i will make good and i will find good. i will carry you everywhere i go. i will tell your story. i will eventually be in a place im not angry with God or with other people. i don't want to be here. i want you. and to have you. i need to change. and be better.

please stay close. please give dad and i lots of loves.

xoxo

what im loving

because of the other night.
i am making sure i keep moving.
and to keep moving. im not making a to do list. im not thinking about tomorrow. im not thinking about this weekend. im thinking about today. and for today- i created a happy list.
what makes me happy:

sleeping in an extra 15 minutes
not having a test in math like originally planned- i get an extra 4 days to study
treating myself to my most favorite coffee this morning
forgetting my phone at home and not caring because its crucial we have sometime apart
late night ice cream with my darling nieces and nephew

this morning was a dragging/couldn't get out of bed kind of morning.

but i did.
then i left work early to get my much needed tooth fixed.
and ill tell you the story of that.
because i feel like it.

end of january-ish i woke up and my back tooth ached! i couldn't eat or allow any liquid on it unless i wanted shooting pains up my jaw.
finally got into see a dentist a few days later and he said i cracked it in 3 places.
so i needed to get a crown.
scheduled that for his next available apt which was a week from them.
tooth hurt but tolerable.
went into get the crown and was told our new insurance doesn't cover major issues like that within their 12 month waiting period.... great... but what else am i going to do but get the thing fixed...
(although if we left it up to ryan he said to just pull the dang thing. whatever)
so i got my nice crown. it felt ok. didn't hurt too bad. and off to yellowstone we went.
while on our way home.
hello! the tooth started aching.
really bad.
it was off and on for a few days then it just took a horrid turn for the worse.
every second i was in pain unless i doped myself up on drugs.
never got better- only worse.
dentist finally said i needed a root canal.
grrr...
that was scheduled a week out.
in that week i just about pulled this tooth out myself.
it ached like i have never ached before.
more than one night i woke up screaming, running to the medicine cabinet and grabbing a handful of the first thing i saw. heating up the heating pad and crying myself back to sleep at 2am.
throughout the day i was popping ibuprofen, aleve or those old pills i was given after i gave birth to makenzie.
i was desperate.
it hurt.
so finally came the day of my root canal.
made my mom take me so i didn't have to go alone.
i had slight nerves but was so anxious to just get it fixed that i didn't really care.
i have never been to this endodontist. on the way there i told my mom he had one of those "hot doctor" names. (you know what im talking about) and i hopped he wasn't devilishly attractive.
i know im married- no need to care right- but i do. and i dont want some channing tatum look alike shoving his hands and face in my corroded mouth.
i get all set up. wait for the doc. and he plops down with his fancy clothes, fancy hair and bright blue eyes.
great.
yup.
he definitely had the "hot doctor" name for a reason.
i tried to stay calm and tell him about how im over dossing on old medication and that im in so much pain i feel like im popping a child out of my tooth (seriously, kinda feels the same)
he assures me things will get better and he will take gooood care of me and we will get things sorted out.
he lays me down.
and that's when i realize there is NO tv in this joint. are you kidding me. what am i going to distract myself with? so i started singing the random pandora mix i just listed to that morning in my head.
before i knew it, a giant tooth rest thing was shoved in one side, a "tooth coat" was put on my infected tooth and a bright light was shinning in my eyes. he whipped out that GIANT needle (promise those are bigger than an epidural) shoved it in my cheek, gum, tongue, and i think it reached the back of my neck at one point.
he wiggled it a bit trying to get allll the numbing liquid in there.
apparently 1 wanst enough for a root canal because he stuck me 4 more times!
holy hannah.
my lip felt bigger than my right foot. my tongue was flopping around with no control and i didn't start to feel the drool dripping from my mouth until it hit my chest.
so he drilled, pulled, pushed, and stretched my jaw to incredible lengths.
this went on for what felt like a year.
i promise i stayed strong. i wanted to cry but didn't.
about half way through i started to feel myself falling asleep!
serious. my eyes were heavy, my head was kind of moving a bit and i had to literally pinch my arm to stay awake. i never thought you could fall asleep with someone drilling your mouth off but i guess it can happen when you haven't been sleeping for almost a month now and you are currently so numb he could remove the lower part of your face completely and you wouldn't know. 
i had those really cool rayban sunglasses on so i wouldn't get pieces of my tooth lodged in my eye so i thought he might not notice my eyes getting really heavy and droopy. but then he started giggling, asking if i was okay and if i needed to sit up or something.
hmmm- embarrassing.
i couldn't talk, hello- i had 4 hands in my mouth, a bunch of tools as well as 2 giant things to prop my mouth open even bigger so i kinda said "eh uh" (meaning no)
well he finally got near the end.
by this time hot doctor wasn't so hot anymore. i really just wanted to shove my fist in his mouth and see how far open i could get his jaw. he was sweet and kept patting me on the arm asking if i was okay.
he warned me of all the possible side effects (which made me really want to put my fist in his mouth)
then he said i was done and to leave.
i sat up.
my ponytail was now a side pony.
my make up was officially smeared every which way.
and my lips and cheeks were so red and puffy from being spread open that i was worried if they would ever look the same again.
luckily my madre was there to take me home.
a few hundred dollars later.
we got home and i realized i locked myself out of the house.

its night time now. i made it inside. my mouth/tooth is aching reallly bad. and im sleepy.
off to bed i go.
and im happy.
because its thursday night.

this life

im sitting on the floor
the door is shut
i emptied every one of her drawers, everything is surrounding me
the room is very bare compared to how it was when she was here
cant find the cord to hook the camcorder up to the computer so its sitting next to me playing
i wish the picture was bigger
i wish the sound was louder
i so badly want to be back
to the place that all of this was okay
im so confused
what am i suppose to do. be. experience. accomplish
i am missing those sounds
i am missing those dreams
i am missing those smells

she had the saddest cry. every inch of her body would get upset. the most innocent little squeak would pop out. her arms would go nuts. her eyes would either completely close or get really squinty and serious. her fingers would spread out as far as possible and she would make the most heart wrenching sound.
i think every mother can agree that when you hear the sound of your child's cry- esp when they are little- is can be the most numbing, helpless feeling you will experience. kinda weird how i can still hear it and it will still give me every one of those same feelings.

she will be 20 months this month. 2-0 months. i hate that i only got to experience a few.
i should be in another place with all this right.
i should be feeling peace and a better understanding.
i am changing my thoughts. i make myself smile when im really low- literally smile. i then turn off every sound (the radio, tv, phone) and just sit. not think about anything but good. not think about whats missing but think about what is to come. i know i have so much to look forward to. but. i feel stuck right now. past the beginning stages. past the initial hurt. past the shock. but i have yet to get to the next place. the next phase. im planning. im preparing. but im not there yet. so i feel stuck. not sure what will get me past this. maybe ill never get past this.
sometimes i think if i had another baby i could start life again. then again the thought of another child terrifies me to my core. the truth of everything. not only this but everything in life. for anyone who is experiencing this stuck feeling. no one or nothing can change you. you have to do it. maybe you can get help giving you a little push, but its only you that will make yourself move. i have to keep reminding myself that nothing will ever change or happen in life unless i do it. i will never be happy if i don't make my own happiness.

i know this.

but i just needed to have a moment. a moment where i am just sad. where i cry. where i feel like i cant pick myself up off the floor. a moment to scream. to get angry. to lay here and just miss.

but now i guess i need to get up. smile because she is mine. and move.

do you ever sit back and wonder if this life was really meant for you? i have. especially lately. everything from my childhood, to getting married, to my job, to school to my child- to the loss of everything that was lost. was this all really meant for me. was all this really suppose to happen in my life? was i suppose to chose this road. did i make the right decisions? if i did something else years ago would things be better?
who's to say whats better? maybe i should have ran away when i was little. lived with some old lady in the forest who's house was made of candy. then marry her grandson who road up on a white horse and saved me from everything bad. then become a plastic surgeon or something.
who knows.
maybe i totally screwed up everyone of Gods initial plans for me.
and if that's true. dang it.
but here i am. without a time machine. so what now?
no idea.
i want to be a mother again. i want to experience just some of the happiness my baby once gave me.
i know in time and when we are ready things will fall into place. most likely with lots of money (debt), tests and doctors waving magic wands but it might happen.
in the mean time... ill just sit back.
admit to this reality. admit to what has already been. admit to this life i have chosen. admit to what i don't want.

this low needs to get outa here. i sure hate it. i hate the sad. i hate this heavy. i hate this confusion.
so let me write it here on this blog. ill then turn off my computer. lay on the ground. curl up with that polka dot blanket. watch those videos. listen to her. dream our life. hold her clothes. imagine her smell. probably cry a horrible, not flattering, puffy faced kinda cry. then ill pass out.
but ill wake up tomorrow. and. ill make it new.

Ryker

I have started to write this post more than a dozen time. I keep deleting everything I write feeling nothing is good enough. How can I articulate this life. This life I want to tell you about. But also a life I never knew.  To tell you about this child. A beautiful little boy that I never met. 

But a little boy that has changed my life.

July 14 2009 just 4 days before my Makenzie was born a beautiful baby was born to Mike and Misty.

Ryker Michael

I wish I could tell you about his life. 

I wish I could tell you how he would smile, what he liked and the sounds he would make. 

I wish I could write a whole story about his life. 

What I can write- every time I see a picture of this little boy, something inside me changes. I get this warm butterfly-ish feeling. I get this tingly-goose bumpy-getty rush. I smile.

He is amazing. To live his life in just 4.5 months. To fight as hard as he fought.

I can tell you that he isn't like anyone else. He has a big story to tell. and he has only begun writing it.

I know I love him. and. I think of him when I see good. 

I think of him when I dream of Makenzie.

Because they are together.

and. I couldn't imagine anyone else she should spend forever with.

Ryan and I met Rykers parents at primary children's hospital the end of November 2009. We were there with Makenzie. We had been there 2 weeks. We felt like we were pros. We knew the good food and the bad, we knew who to ask for a toothbrush or what counselor to help you get a room to sleep in. These 2 young parents the same age as us came in with their sick little boy who was our daughters age. 

We talked for a bit. Learned how sick their Ryker really was.

Understanding far to quickly that this wasn't the same. We didn't know this. 

Wishing, but not knowing what to say.

Leukemia

From Saturday to Monday.

2 days their life stopped.

1 weekend.

Ryker returned to our Father in Heaven on November 30 2009.

It was over the next few weeks/months that Rykers Mom and I started talking. 

Emails

back and forth

venting

telling her everything she already knew

wishing everything she was wishing

living in another state but going through the same thing. the exact same thing

being a mother without them here

wanting to hold them. kiss them. save them

There are people that come into your life that are completely meant to be there.

People that change your life in a way you could never imagine.

That was this family.

This incredible. brave. loving family.

This family made us believe in hope, miracles and life.

Within weeks of Rykers passing they learned they were pregnant.

with

2

babies

twins

...

Meet Ryland and Rylee

These are the faces of Heaven

We got to met these adorable little babies.

oh my perfection.

They both have this incredible little light about them.

Something a little extra.

The love we feel when being around this family is not something I could ever explain.

We didn't want to leave. We could have stayed forever.

They talked to us. In ways we cant talk to others. Because we all know. Those same feelings.

They have another little girl. She is the big sister. and. I want to keep her. 

Maybe all of them.

Just for a bit. I tried.

I wish I could tell you more.

I wish I could write all about Ryker. 

I love hearing his stories.

He is so amazing. So very amazing.

I cant wait to meet him someday.

Until then. 

I pray for our babies. 

That they are experiencing a happiness we could only dream.

be Mine-

love.love.love

pink

red

hearts

candy

love.love.love

there was some bedazzled pinkness for kenzie 

she got alota lovin

lucky duck me got to go to school valentines night

so romantic

...

thankfully

i came home to my amazing valentine for a very special love filled dinner

we said no buying gifts . anything we give has to be homemade

so i attempted to get my craftiness out and made a jar of 100 reasons why i ADORE this man.

ryan- that man is so cute. he was so excited to give me his gift. he drew this on the computer and burned it out at work. i have to say he did a pretty amazin job. oh i love him.

for dinner

ribs. couscous. carrots. heart ice. burnt rolls

kenzie was obviously every bit apart of our valentines since she is our most favorite valentine

we wrote ryan/daddy a card and she signed it with a cute button (the muffin)

1st attempt at a family picture

-oh harley, thank you for being modest-

to my valentines

thank you for sharing your life with me. thank you for giving me every amazing moment in life. you are the reason i strive to be good. you give me more happiness than you will ever know. i love you for everything you are. the good the bad and the stinky. life has taken some serious turns on roads we never though we would experience. i wish i could say things were different but since it has already been chosen i will keep going knowing we will be together again. we will be a family.

i love you both to the moon and back.

i love my family.

off to west yellowstone

We had our first taste of West Yellowstone in June of 2010. Our friends Travis and Katrina invited us for a weekend of bliss. And BLISS it was. We had such an amazing time that we couldn't wait to go back. Fast Forward a few months and I won at a silent auction a weekend stay at 

THE HIBERNATION STATION.

We decided to go in winter this time so February we planned.

Our excitement was oozing for weeks before.

We left on February 11th.

Stopped for some fountain drinks and couldn't pass up this JUMBO air freshner.

This picture doesn't do justice to how LARGE this thing is. Honest- bigger than my head.

Within seconds I was high off strawberry goodness.

After 5ish hours of caffeine intake we were needing to pee and ready to get out of the car!

and yes, you read that right. we were genius enough to drive our CAR thinking it was better so we could save on gas. UMM.. hello we were going to the north pole, 4wheel drive might be helpful!

anyway. we arrived to a winter wonderland. i have never ever seen anything like it before. I live in Utah

(the greatest snow on earth) and have NEVER seen snow like this.

The first night there we dropped our stuff off at our AMAZING room and headed back out into the cold to find some grub and more clothes! I brought every long sleeve shirt I own, a few sweatshirts and my winter coat and that still wouldn't keep me warm enough.

Apparently West Yellowstone isn't like downtown SLC and they don't stay open until 9pm. We finally found a little casino/bar/restaurant and pigged out on hot wings. We drove around for .25 seconds

(from one end of town to the other) looking for a place that was open and selling long johns. After having a panic attack when our car could NOT stay on the road we gave up and went back to the cabin.

Thank goodness for the fireplace.

The next morning we got up bright and early to meet Travis and Katrina for some SNOWMOBILING fun. We ate breakfast at the best little diner and headed to the snow.

We arrived at two top loop and LOOK. OMG.

really... really... REALLY

Have you ever seen anything like this? I couldn't believe my eyes. Maybe I live in a box and this isn't that cool to most but I was blown away. It was one of the most amazing things to see.  The sun was shinning and the weather was pretty dang perfect.

There was only a couple incidences that someone either hit a tree (Ryan)

or got stuck (Katrina and mayybee me)

...and I guess 1 attempt at running someone over - sorry Travis, my bad.

We drove around at rapid speeds. I don't think I got above 65mph but Ryan swears he got well over 70mph. either way, when you are on one of these things it seems like your flying!

Around noonish we ran back to T&K's to grab their boys so they could join in on our ride.

This picture below was right before we got onto the lake. They told us not to stop and to just go as fast as possible. Kinda freaked me out.

But I just followed their tracks and put the petal to the metal (or pushed the thumb thingy really hard)

On the other side of the lake was this massive mountain that was sooo steep. Ryan and I refused to even attempt this. I knew I would either get so scared I would just hit the kill switch and pray for someone to rescue me as I rolled backward down the mountain or I would get so scared I would close my eyes and forget to take my thumb of the accelerator and would run into a tree or something.
either way- not a good idea for me to attempt this.

but - since Travis is like a pro snowmobiler, he did it. WITH his boys hanging on for dear life.

I prayed the whole time they wouldn't flip and HORRAY. they certainly came back safely.

We ended the long day by letting Ryan hold this beauty in his hands. Travis got this HUGE elk this last year. Ryan almost pee'd his panties just being in the presence of this thing.

- you hunters know what I'm talkin about -

We ran back to the cabin to wash up for dinner. Can you believe they only gave us an hour! Okay okay. I am not all that high maintenance and an hour is a long time but I had to wash my hair because it wreaked of fumes and it took forever for me to blow dry with that tiny hotel blower.

oh well I got it taken care of.

While I was getting ready, I ordered Ryan to go outside and try to get some pictures of the snow to get a feel for how much their was. 

I have been trying to help him be a bit more creative and actually focus the camera before a picture is taken so for his latest work I have to say he did a pretty good job!

We ate at the most amazing restaurant!

Jalapeno appetizers + Best steak EVER =

HOLY YUM-O

Went back to the room. Warmed up. Got some serious sleep.

This is the cabin we got to call home for 2 days.

We headed out of town but not before we did a little souvenir shopping.

Remember how I said West Yellowstone wasn't like downtown SLC and they weren't open past 9pm.

Well they are also not open on Sunday. So our options were small but we found some great treats to bring back with us. This was definitely another trip to remember. We had a wonderful time with friends and each other. We are already planning our next trip back!

... or maybe our permanent move there.

...here are a few random pics i had to share...

1. Grizzly Adams.

2. This is a crazy buffalo I ran into. Literally. I was running when I hit him head on. Its a long story but ill save it for another post. Let just say, I wrestled him to the ground with my bear hands so he wouldn't eat Ryan.

3. This is the paper bird that I almost jumped out of the car to save. I thought it was real and in serious distress.

4. My new ride. Remember how we drove our car? I switched it up for this baby.

5. As we drove out we saw life flight taking someone away. ahh scary.

and a trip wouldn't be a trip without our MRW