Monday, December 20, 2010

lost and found

The other day I found my old cell phone. I was just flipping through it and found a few photos that for whatever reason didn't find their way to my new phone. I got all my others but not these few. 
These were taken her first day in this world.
I had finally got back to my room around 4am. Ryan left for a quick minute to eat since he never got dinner. They brought Kenzie in just a few minutes after I got settled and ate a nice big bowl of cereal (seriously, the best meal of my life... i have never been that kind of hungry)
I think the nurses thought I was 10 or something and not sure I could handle my baby on my own but I assured them I was fine with her and hinted for them to LEAVE. Kenzie was still in her little bed. 

When I close my eyes I can see this...

I stepped out of the bed, looked at my hospital socks- quickly thinking how ugly yet comfy they were-  grabbed the side of her bed with both hands and peered over the side. She was laying on her back and wide awake bundled like a breakfast burrito. I looked in her eyes and saw my whole world. I picked her up. I was so gentle but I remember feeling so confident that I knew what I was doing. I wasn't worried I would break her. I was more worried I would hit her head on something. The room was very dim and it was still dark outside. I got back on the bed, 
vivid random memory--- the ice pack in the *hum hum* area was hurting my *hum hum* 
and I wanted to rip that thing out as I was sitting back down 
but I knew in the long run it would cool the chacha so I left it----

I sat on the bed. Leaned it back a bit. I was exhausted but so didn't want to put her down. I laid the bed back and I laid her by my side. Our bodies touched as much as possible. I felt her. I stared at her. I kept touching every inch of her face. I was simply amazed she was mine. She was so me and so Ryan. She was so made of love. She dozed off finally, 
(mind you this girl NEVER cried until we left the hospital. YEAH I'm serious. NOT even when she first came out. the NICU team that was standing by got worried but after a long while they just figure she wasn't a crier)
so my little, never make a peep baby was now about 3-4 hours old. She was here. I did this.
I watched her as long as I could keep my eyes open. Then I slept. ONLY for a few moments before a nurse came in and scolded me for sleeping with her in the bed with me... oops!
but before it ended
That first moment with just her and I. 
BFF's. a Team. girlfriends.
That moment will forever be in my mind.

pardon this horrid after birth picture of me, but look at her. 
this was our first moment. 
i took this self pic because i remember wanting to just bottle that moment.

Here are a couple other pictures I found I took on my phone of her first day.
I miss this first day.

In that moment, in that day, I never would have guessed I would ever have to say goodbye.
Life sure gives us some twists and turns. 
Tonight, I know its a better night because instead of my "normal" feelings, 
all I can do is thank GOD for giving me that moment. That day. 
How blessed I am that she gave me so much in such a short amount of time.


caitlin and brinton said...

What an amazing moment you two had. Only a couple of those come around in a lifetime.

Alerie said...

Beautiful!! You and Makenzie will forever be BFFs. I loved the whole part about the ice true!! I couldn't stop laughing. Thank you for helping us to remember to enjoy every little moment, because we really never know what is in the future. Always thinking about you!! Much love!!

Robin said...

I found a couple photo's on my phone the other day too from our first visit to Kenzie at the hospital. I was going to email them to you but I totally forgot all about it. Your post reminded me so I will make sure I get them sent to you as soon as I get home.

Devon said...

How absolutely amazing to have found those. I am so so glad! THey are beautiful pics!

Shawna said...

Oh Kendra, I'm so happy you found those. What another great Christmas present -- something you had all along but had forgotten about. Not only a find, but a joyful one that gave you peace and thankfulness. How wonderful. And that picture of the two of you is amazing! Be so thankful you have it.

Anonymous said...

What an amazing moment - reminds me of the first time I saw Trent. I couldn't believe they were "giving" me this baby to take home. Kenzie looks just like you Kendra. Same nose, same eyes, yet there is a lot of Ryan in her. She is beautiful. I love her. I'm happy you feel blessed. What an honor it must be for you to be the mother of such a brave, little sweet girl. She wanted so much to stay here with her loves (you and Ryan) but....we all know God has a plan for her and she is up there in heaven watching over you both, smiling, happy, at peace, hoping the best for you, loving you always. I miss her..... Auntie M

Emma said...

What an incredible moment, I am so glad you captured it and SO glad you found it on your phone...I think a very special little angel was sending you an early Christmas present for sure. Your bond with Kenzie is undeniable and unbreakable-you are forever her perfect parents and she is forever your perfect baby.
Thinking of you as always and hoping you find more moments of loving memory, happy thoughts and lots of peace over the holidays...she is with you, finding these pics just shows how much. Love, Em

The Mac's House said...

What a treasured gift of the first pictures of Kenzie.

You have been in our thoughts and prayers. You were with us as we were sitting in the ER on Monday evening watching our little 2.5 year old throw one seizure after another and then when we were transferred to Childrens hospital with IV hook ups coming out of both feet. Immediately we thought of you and your leggings. I went to the hospital gift shop to find some and none to be found. We bough big socks and cut off the toes to keep her from pulling out her IV's.

Forever in our thoughts and prayers.

:) Teri

Tara Bennett said...

Oh what a special memory captured. So glad you have that and can treasure it in your heart always.


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