Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Makenzie's 3rd Angel Day

It seems to be the same each year. 
The days leading up to the actual day are always harder than the day.
Maybe its just remembering what was going on 3 years ago.
Maybe its all the anticipation.
Maybe its just knowing another year is about to pass.
Whatever it is. The week before was a hard one.
I have been missing my girl with all my heart.
I have been wishing we could have had more time together.
I wish I could have gotten to know her more.
Learned more of what her personality would have blossomed into.
Every year I never want her birthday or her angel day to turn into a sad sappy day where I feel sorry for myself. Ryan is always good about understanding this and feels the same way and so far we have done pretty good about keeping this up. 
I have spent months trying to figure out what we should do on this angel day to make it special and to remember our girl.  I love doing service this time of year and tried to contact several different organizations to volunteer at but seriously--- every place I called or emailed said they were booked with volunteers for the 13th. It made me happy to know so many people are helping others but it made it difficult to figure out what we should do. I found some ideas of things Ryan and I will do throughout the coming year so I at least got something out of my search... but anyway we finally decided instead of doing a group service project that evening. Ryan and I would spend the day RAK - ing people. 
aka: doing Random acts of kind service.
It was just days before the 13th and my sweet friend Ashley posted about people doing this for her little girls birthday in honor of her. She had this cute little hand out all made up so I decided to combine efforts and do them on the 13th and also the 17th which is little Preslee's birthday. 

Cutest things ever right?
Well I had a couple ideas of things I wanted to do which were not so random but still nice gestures...
We handed out these goody bags to the homeless. 
They were nothing special but just a little something.
Water, crystal light, suckers, granola bar, toothbrush, toothpaste, hand sanitizer, gum and dried fruit.

and we made sure to keep an eye out and help others whenever we could.
opening doors, paying for other peoples lunch, giving hugs, handing out water, smiling... just to name a few.  Most of these things we didn't hand out the paper but when we paid for some lunches we had the waitress take their tab and replace it with this paper so it was anonymous to them. 
It was amazing to see some peoples reactions. Something simple. So easy. Made a world of difference. 
We took the leggings to the hospital before heading out to the cemetery. 
All 969 pairs as well as books, blankets, hats, socks and a few toys that were donated.
Its a wonderful feeling knowing these will be put to good use.
Its never easy going to the hospital but especially hard on this day.
Remembering walking out of there 3 years ago empty handed.
Having just said goodbye to our little girl.
That part will never get easier.

After the drop off we picked up our order of 148 balloons.
148 days we held our sweet Makenzie.
This is the 3rd year ordering them from the same place and the same girl has helped us every year and always remembers who we are and asks how this last year has been. She is the sweetest.
We get a few looks as we walk out with a few bundles this size...

Then its over to the cemetery.
I hate that we had to add names to our angel list.
Angels that all went to soon in life.
It completely breaks my heart how many other Dads and Mums have to know this pain. How many of them have had to plan a funeral. Have had to say goodbye to their baby.

Hailey Elizabeth
Kaden Addington
Stephen Eric
Kamdyn Lilly
Charlotte Sophia
Paige Elizabeth
Rylee Ann
Charlotte Grace
Noah Callan
Daxton Matthew
Kris Matthew
Dax Royce
Avery Ann
Jake Alan
Jack Alexander
Cosette Rae
Lincoln David
Caleb Elijah
Jackson Burton
Evan Coburn
Gavin Charles
Evan Chandler
Gavin Jeffrey
Kamberlie Ann
Beatrice Ann
Mason Curtis
Holly Elizabeth
Scott Lincoln
Camille Kathleen
Emma Grace
Daxton Douglas
Kolby Jayden
Sidney Lee
Lucia Isabella
Myles Sherman
Morgen Bennett
Joy Elise
Esther Joann
Trinity Melinda
Bridget Lucille
Hannah Kate
Tanner D.
Cameron J.
Jacob Ephraim
Ella Paige
James Joseph
Isabelle Paige
Jada Adelle
Brigham Var Selle
Caydin Matthew
Paris Lavone
Evan Walter
Karleigh Ann
Mia Nicole
Ethan Snow
Dominic Angelo
Mia Nicole
Ainslee Ryan
Benjamin Mckay
Brynlee Belle
Jonas Mathie
Kael David
Kristen Kirton
Landry Gale
Maddie Paige
Maxie Leviss
Preslee Jo
Ruby Jane
Makenzie Rye
Craig Eli
Landon & Luke
Ashley Lauren
Ryker Michael
Whitney Gertge
Josiah Nygard
Joshua Lonati
Laila Shay
Gabriel Grant
Kolbie Mae
.If you know a little angel that's not on this list please let me know so I can add them for next year.

Its a sweet feeling to say each and everyone of these names. Say them out loud. Writing them down.
They are so missed and they will never be forgotten.
I hope they all had an amazing celebration and loved their balloon.

Everyone came.
We held them over with cookies. Ill remember the coffee and hot chocolate next year because it was freezing. We all tried to stay bundled best as possible.

-Tracker was amazed with all the balloons and lanterns-

... and then we sent off 36 lanterns for 36 months in heaven. Its the coolest thing to see.

After our celebration and after everyone was good and frozen those that could make it went to dinner.
I love being with all of these people who have been through it all with us.
Its such an amazing feeling to see them help us remember and celebrate our little girls life.

Its completely overwhelming how much I miss her. Its almost crippling at times. but I am so thankful to have such amazing people to help us along the way. I am thankful to have the most amazing husband who is my everything. and I am thankful to be given the gift of having another little life to fill my days.
Makenzie is my hope. She is what I look forward to. She is what brings me the greatest comfort.
I realized the other night what an amazing place she is in.
Sometimes I forget.
but what I need to forever remember is heaven knows no pain. No sadness. No tears.
She is with God.
All my fears of how she is and if I am doing enough for her now. If I am being a good enough Mum for what she needs of me now... I need to remember she only knows the good. She knows my heart. She knows the love I have for her and she knows my job is to take care of her little brother right now.
I talk to her every day. I tell her I love her and miss her every single day. Many times a day.
We talk about her.
She will never ever be forgotten and she will always be missed.
She doesn't know anything but the love I have for her. She knows what is to come. She knows what our life will be when I am finally reunited with her. Her mind is not on whats right now. On this earthly life. She knows it all. I am so thankful for that. That she can see what is to come. That she knows she will soon be with her Mum and I will never let her go. 
Makenzie Rye, I love you. I love what we had. I love the connection we made. I will do my very best and work everyday to be the best person I can be so I can be with you again.
I cant wait for that day. The day I can kiss your face.
Oh how I love you.
I hope you had a wonderful celebration on your 3rd anniversary back in heaven.
Make sure you catch all my hugs and kisses.


KW said...

What a great and special way to spend her angel day. Thank you for remembering Ruby on your angel baby's day. Made my day. What a great celebration of her life. I can tell you have a great support system of people who love Mckenzie.

Kennedy Klan said...

What a Beautiful day of remembering your sweet baby girl. I am sure Miss Makenzie was so proud of her mommy and daddy for their kind acts. The balloons and lanterns are so pretty as the float to heaven, I always cry watching them. I pray for your comfort and happiness this Christmas season. Also, on the name list there is Quincy that is now a little Angel as well. Its so nice of you to think of all these precious Angels. You are a very kind hearted person Kendra.

Auntie EM said...

It was a beautiful tribute to Makenzie and to all the little angel children. Braxton really enjoyed the lanterns but he really really loved seeing all those "bloons." He didn't want to let his purple one go but he finally let it go (you can see it going up at the end of the video). You are so right....Kenzie sees the big picture when we can only see what is going on here and now on Earth. She will patiently wait until that perfect day when her family is all together. Until then, I know you will be the best mom, wife, sister, daughter, aunt, niece, and friend because you are one amazing person. Thanks for your compassion and giving nature and for being part of our family. Love Mary

Trinity said...

That was so beautiful. I love how you write the names of the little angels on the balloons. It is beyond humbling to read the names. What an amazing tribute to your little girl. She is truly loved by many and some whom never even met her. What an impact one life can have. :)

The Hebbs said...

Makenzies Momma-
Sounds like you made it a special day for your precious Makenzie. I loved what you said at the very bottom of the post...I can totally relate. You said you are going to do everything you can to be a great person so you can be with your daughter. and how you cant wait for the day to kiss her face. It brought tears to my eyes as I think of how I also long to kiss my little Ollie. Endure
Much love,
Tiffany Hebb (Ollies Momma)

Marion said...

Kendra, what you do for Kenzie is amazing and I know you are just doing your mama thing which makes it even more special! Please add my friend's nephew Tripp Marquez to your angel list. He passed away earlier this month from an undiagnosed infection. He was 20 months old and had the most brilliant smile I've ever seen. Thanks! God bless your family!

Ashley Quarles said...

What a beautiful and amazing celebration of Makenzie's life. You guys are amazing!!!

PS - thank you for including my sweet boy during your balloon release! <3

Unknown said...

Oh, Kendra. How desperately I wanted that little boy to completely heal your heart and erase your pain. I knew it wouldn't - couldn't, it's just not possible - but you so deserve it. What a beautiful way to honor her memory. Sending virtual love, hugs, and mountains of support from Colorado and another someone you've never met. Merry Christmas, and happy angel day.

Alerie said...

Such a beautiful and perfect way to celebrate your daughter. You guys are amazing parents to her and Tracker. Always thinking and praying for you!!

Gertge Family said...

I love that you do this. I love seeing Whitney's name. You are amazing. I have followed your journey for 2 1/2 years. You are such an inspiration. Thank you. Abby


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