Sunday, October 2, 2011

oh the fear

and the fear is kicking in.
the fear that this child will somehow not be in my arms for long.
the fear that i am really not meant to be a mom.
i hate when fear takes over my life.
its really annoying.
its consistently on my mind.
...will i even be able to raise this child?

then there is the fear of... will i like this kid?
i know that's silly to think.
of course you will love your child.
but i fear what i will feel when i hold my child in my arms and see that they are not makenzie.
i thought i got over that.
i thought i accepted that this child will be their own person and that they will not be makenzie.
why is this all the sudden back?
i was holding my newest nephew today and just imagined holding my baby.
it was so very clear that this child will not "fix" anything.
that is not their job.
they are adding to our family. not filling the missing piece.
why is this still so hard for me to grasp?
i want to hold makenize.
i want to look into her eyes and see that life again.
be back to those days.
oh how those days were so-- dare i say-- perfect.
when makenzie died so much of our life changed.
everything from our relationships with family and friends to work, school, priority's, goals, dreams, finances, activities, hobbies, memories, the way we move, the way we breathe... it seems every aspect of life has changed and its just hard.
pain and simple.

how am i suppose to bring another child into the chaos of our life?
the messy, unpredictable, unorganized, overly emotional life we live everyday?
its like im wearing fear glasses.
just imagine wearing a pair of red glasses. when you look through the red lenses everything has a shade of red to it. well that's how it is for me but everything has a shade of fear.

i am praying more than i have ever prayed before for this child.
i want them. more than i have ever wanted before. but the reality of this child not being makenzie is once again slapping me in the face. its all so confusing. i cant explain it. i cant understand it.
i know its not makenzie but its like in the back of my head a little person is trying to convince me it could be her. then this other logical person in the back of my head is right there with every one of those "it might be" comments saying "NOOO... ITS NOT HER! IT NEVER WILL BE."
--- oh lord i sound kookoo.
but that's the only way i can explain whats going on.

this is all probably just a phase.
it is that time of the month.
there are so many emotions and feelings that go into piece of losing a child. its true no matter what ill never be the same and nothing in my life will ever be the same. welcoming a new child into our home will be an incredible blessing but its not going to be all rainbows and glitter. its going to be hard. because i will forever long for makenzie.
i will forever miss her and wish i could hold her again.
i will probably look for makenzie in this child every day for at least the first 5 months of their life. i will have a hard time WHEN this child reaches 5 months. i will have a hard time when this child reaches every milestone in their life. makenzie will forever be in our minds. in everything we do.
but i think over time it wont always be sad.
we will get to a point where it will be happy. it will be the knowing she is with us and that will be enough.
this child will add. they will help. they will heal. not everything. but probably more than what i think.
they are not replacing makenzie.
that wouldn't be fair for makenzie or this child.
i want to give this child the best life possible. i want to give them part of who i once was back then. i don't want them living in fear and i don't want them thinking they are any less than their sister.


KnottedFingers said...

These fears are all normal! Some of them even for situations where you haven't lost your eldest child. When I had my 2nd child when my oldest was 2 I freaked out I thought 'OMG what if I hate my child' and 'what if I can't bond to her!!' I wondered what kind of mother I'd be and so so much more.

*hugs* If you ever need to talk remember we're here for you

Barbi and Jodi said...

You will be surprised how much room you have in your heart and your life to love another child! I am so happy that you are starting a new chapter in your life! Enjoy every minute!!

Ashley said...

You'll have these fears until you have another baby in your arms. Maybe even until the baby is a few months old. I think about Ledger reaching one day shy of 19 months almost everyday. I don't want to dwell in the future, but I'll be happy when we pass that day. But then it might be hard in another way. I think it will be a roller coaster forever. I think I'll react differently if we have a girl.

I'm just sending my love because I know the fears all too well. Thinking about you!

Anonymous said...

Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different. You have to let go of the HOPE that your past could have turned out any differently than it has. You are right where you are suppossed to be. Try embracing that. You can't control yesterday and you can't predict tomorrow but you can control how you feel right in this moment. Focus on this moment.

Reese said...

I don't think I've ever left those fears completely behind. It takes courage and faith to try again when you've been through so much loss. I have been following along for some time and I can tell you are a natural mother. You will love that child for who he or she is the second you know they exist. Sending good thoughts and prayers your way.

Anonymous said...

Everything you are feeling is normal, because you are still and a part of you always will be, grieving. There is no time limit on grief! There is no order to the emotions, thoughts and feelings you experience. They come in waves sometimes. Some days you are happy, others you are scared, sad, angry, hurt, lonely, bargaining with God, distraught, reminiscent, and even some days you are accepting!

But just because you have felt a wave of acceptance on Friday, doesn't mean that a wave of sadness, or anger, or guilt won't wash over you on Monday. For a very long time, not just a year, and not even just two, it will be a DAY by DAY journey. You aren't expected to do more than one day at a time Kendra!

BUT! Take comfort in knowing that as crazy as you think you sound that a.) you sound normal, like any person who has experience a tremendous loss b.) you sound sane, because you can talk yourself through what you are feeling... you know you are grieving, you know you "sound insane" and you also know that you aren't trying for another child to "Replace" Makenzie Rye or to "fill her void" you are ADDING to your family, you are bringing a sibling into the world, you are saying yes to love again. That is beautiful. It is scary and painful, but it is beautiful!

Be at peace <3

Chantel said...

I was convinced I'd never be able to love my 2nd as much as my 1st but amazingly she arrived and I did. Now we're making room for #3 and I'm not worried this time. You'll be an amazing mom to this new little one. There's room in your heart for both, I know it!!

Anonymous said...

im so proud of you kendra! you have been through so much and you are still so strong, your new angel will bring you such joy, and i can just see him or her up dancing with Mckenzie now....

Kami Satterlee said...

I love when I fear things in my life, I know that the next day my mood swings will change and I will be on top of the world! Gotta get it out of your systerm. If we didn't fear about the unknown, or the past, how would we learn, and grow? So excited for you guys on this journey. It's not the norm for most, but that's what makes you unique and brings you together.

Emma said...

It is so scary to fear, but we only fear things to mean so much-that shows how much having a new little one means to you already! Makenzie will never be replaced, the pain of losing her will never go away, the hope is that with time, the pain lessens and you find joy and another little one will help on that journey. Makenzie knows how much you love her, with every breath you take she feels it and knows you are thinking of her and loving her and always will. She will be there as you hold a new little one and will watch them grow with the same love and wonder that you do and I know she will be so happy to see her Mom feel that way again. I am so excited for you as you start this newest journey and know the fears will be there, they always will and that is okay, just don't let them stand in your way!! Love and hugs,Em

Anonymous said...

I think we all have those fears no matter where our journey has taken us in life. I currently have a three year old and have been trying for over a year to get pregnanat again. When I first committed to trying to get pregnant I was scared, how was I going to handle two children, would my three year old feel neglected, all those things ran through my mind, but here we are a year later and still trying. Currently I am late on my period but I am soooo nervous to test, I have been in this spot before only to be heart broken to find out I wasn't pregnant and for my period to come days later. I still have those same fears about not being able to love both of my children, but I am soooo excited to go through this journey again. I hope and pray we both see a positive pregnancy test very soon. Your family will continue to be in my prayers as you go through this amazing experience. I also pray that God places a sense of peace on your heart and mind as you walk his path.

Blessing from CA

Tiff@ny said...

I thank you for this post!!!!! I am struggling so much lately with all of these thoughts and fears as well! I have never lost a child and can't imagine how much more difficult that would be to deal with. All of these fears you are having and are voicing I am having and am to affraid to voice cause I feel it makes me such a terrible mom! So thank you for helping me see I'm not crazy for having these crazy feelings/thoughts and not the only one!!!

Robin said...

Thinking of you Kendra! Please know you are not alone. Your thoughts and fears are not abnormal. I think every parent feels this fear, even if a child was not lost. I won't tell you I know how you feel, but it sounds similar to how a lot of moms feel when thinking of bringing a new baby into their home. I thought this when I was pregnant with my youngest daughter. I kept thinking that I could never, ever, love this baby as much as I love my oldest daughter. It is not true. Once I had my little girl, I knew immediately it was not true. The love I have for both of kids is the same. The same, bulging heart I have for one, feels the exact same for the other. I know you will have no problem loving this child as much as you love your precious Makenzie. They will be yours, just like she is yours. Good luck to you always, in everything!

Michele White said...

I have been there too, after my oldest passed, then getting pregnant with my second son, the crazy worries and feelings. He is SMA free, and watching him grow at each month I thought of what my oldest did and looked like at each month. I worried that something would happen to my second son as he approached 2 1/2 years where his brother passed. It was such a releif when Joshua got older than Benjamin was. I still worry but it's different. When I was pregnant with my third son it was different I could look forward to him and not feel guilty that in some way being happy for him was hurting his oldest brother like I felt with my second pregnancy. I hope this helps,your doing great. We all do it one day at a time.
-Michele White


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